If Only She Were Mine.
Happy birthday! Great nana Eva. I like to imagine that you are playing one of your favourite pieces, 'The Blue Danube Waltz' on your piano in heaven. x
Patsy was numb.
It was as if she had lost all ability to function, as she stumbled her way back into Delia's bedroom. Glancing around the empty room, Patsy couldn't believe all that had transpired between them. Delia had gone and she was alone.
Her heart hammered inside her chest, and her legs began to tremble. The sense of loss seemed hauntingly familiar as a tidal wave of emotion overwhelmed her. Patsy felt helpless as she grasped at the collar of her checkered shirt in a desperately bid for air.
"Delia," she wheezed.
With a deep sigh, she moved herself onto the edge of the bed in an attempt to control her breathing. Closing her eyes, she began to count to ten. It was a simple but effective method that Delia would use to help soothe Patsy after one of her bad dreams about her mother. This time however, there weren't any loving hands holding her own or any lilting whispers of kindness. Delia had left her and she only had herself to blame.
Once she regulated her breathing, the onslaught of tears began. With a whimper, the crestfallen girl picked up one of Delia's discarded night shirts and held it close. Curling herself into a ball on the bed, she wept.
For the rest of the day, Patsy found herself wandering around the flat. Even her fail-safe efforts of cleaning were abandoned. Her mind refused to concentrate for any length of time. She felt physically drained as she sank into the sofa cushions, clutching her phone. She desperately wanted to hear Delia's voice, but she also wanted to respect Delia's wishes and give her some space. Give her some much needed time to think things through.
Wrestling with her conscience, Patsy decided it was best to call her. She at least had to know that Delia had arrived safely in Wales. Patsy chewed on her bottom lip while the dial tone sounded in her ear. When her call was finally directed to voice mail, she let out a dejected sigh. This was the very first time that Delia had ever rejected one of her calls.
At the sound of the beep she began to leave her rather strained and awkward message.
'Hello Delia. It's me... I completely understand that you may not want to speak to me right now. But... I just wanted to know that you are safe. I hope the train arrived when scheduled. I remember the long wait we had to endure the last time we went to Brighton on a whim. If I remember correctly a tree branch had fallen onto one of the lines, causing quite the disruption. Goodness, that seems like such a long time ago, and you were a natural flying that kite along the beach; how mine ended up so tangled, I'll never know...' Patsy paused, taking a deep breath before she continued.
'... Oh, I wish you would have answered my call... Then I could tell you how deeply sorry I am Delia. I would never want to hurt you... and I so want to put things right between us. Well, if you could please just let me know that you are safe, and if not perhaps I could try calling you again later. I love you.'
With another deep breath, Patsy hung up the call, and buried her face into her hands.
She had no idea how long she sat there, staring into space. Occasionally she glanced at her phone, but every call, voice mail message and e-mail she had sent to Delia had all gone unanswered. Her seeming trance was only broken by Trixie returning home. At the sound of her friend's voice, Patsy broke down into silent sobs.
"I've had the most bizarre answer phone message from Delia." Trixie hung up her coat, and made her way into the living room. "Seems she has decided to vist her parents. It is rather strange, and quite sudden. She never mentioned she was returning home and her message was rather vague. Perhaps you could shed some more light on it sweetie?" The effervescent nurse stopped in her tracks at the sight of Patsy weeping on the sofa.
"Oh sweetie. Whatever is the matter?" She hurried to her side, wrapping her arm around the crying girl. Trixie knew something must be seriously wrong because Patsy never allowed anyone to see her cry.
"I told Delia everything," she managed to choke out between sobs.
Trixie gripped her friend more tightly in response but remained silent, to give Patsy a moment to compose herself. The caring blonde watched her friend anxiously, as she stared blankly at the wall in front of her. A lost look seem to cloud Patsy's eyes, and Trixie's heart went out to her. She was about to speak again when she heard Patsy begin to mumble.
"Why do I always have to be such a coward?"
"You're not a coward, sweetie." Trixie moved her hand to grasp Patsy's with her own. "Fear is a ghastly thing, and can be very debilitating. You can't be strong all of the time Patsy."
"Strong? Hardly. I'm nothing but a coward, and because of that very fact I have single-handedly destroyed the best thing I've ever had in my life."
"I know I don't know the full story, but surely whatever damage you think you may have caused isn't irreparable."
"She was so over-joyed by my confession that I literally stole the very breath from her body." Patsy pulled her hand free and rubbed her aching temples. "You should have seen her Trix, I have never seen her so angry."
"Once she's calmed down, I'm sure..."
"I wish I could share your optimism..." Patsy interrupted and exhaled, burying her face into her hands yet again. "...But Delia will most likely end up hating me." Her voice sounded muffled.
Part of her wanted to carry on talking. To dive head first in all of the self-pity she felt. To have Trixie soothe her with understanding and words of hope. But the biggest part of herself wanted to retreat back into old habits and run. Hide away and bottle up her pain until she had time to deal with it herself.
"Patsy, Delia adores you. She could never hate you," Trixie replied. "I know it's easier said than done, but you can't lose hope."
"Hope?" She said bitterly.
"All is not lost here..."
"Oh all is very definitely lost," the red-head sighed, interrupting for the second time. "I'm exhausted." She added, running her hands through her hair.
"All right. We can talk about this more tomorrow." Trixie reluctantly agreed. The blonde knew trying to get Patsy to open up now would be like attempting to draw blood from a stone. "How about we have a bite to eat? I'm guessing you haven't eaten a crumb all day?"
"I couldn't possibly eat a thing." Patsy dismissed.
"Nonsense," Trixie tsked, as she began to scroll the take out opitions on her phone. "After all you're going to need some food inside you, to help soak up the large amounts of wine we will be consuming." She may not be able to solve her friend's problems but she wanted to help in her own small way.
"Trix, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but drowning my sorrows won't help me get Delia back." Patsy shook her head.
"Okay, but do you really think that Delia would want you to sit here wallowing?"
"No," Patsy sighed. "She also wouldn't want me getting drunk either," she reasoned, as Trixie put down her phone.
"Thank you though," the red-head smiled, as she grabbed hold of Trixie's hand. "I just need to be alone to help clear my head."
"Sweetie, time by yourself is the last thing you need." Trixie was firm as she got to her feet. "If you don't feel like junk food, then I can cook us something. Come on, you can help me," she encouraged.
With a hint of a slight smile, Patsy followed Trixie into the kitchen.
The preparations were soon under way for a simple stir-fry. Patsy sighed, as she softly thumbed Delia's thermos that had been left out on the counter. "Do you know what really hurts?" Patsy began, feeling Trixie tracking her movements, as she picked up the stainless steel flask. "Delia told me she felt the same way," she finally confessed.
"Oh Patsy." Trixie was full of empathy, as she dropped down the wooden spoon into the sizzling pan of peppers.
"This... this mess is all my fault." Patsy wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks. "You tried to tell me, and I wouldn't listen. I was too busy being a stupid coward to notice that Delia felt the same way. Too stupid to notice my cowardice was inadvertently causing Delia pain."
Trixie sighed as she wrapped her arm tightly around her best friend's shoulder. "Delia knows how you struggle when it comes to opening up, and she isn't the kind of person to hold onto anger Patsy."
"No, but I've made such a mess of things. What if I've hurt her so much that she can't forgive me?"
"You can't think like that." Trixie gave her another squeeze before returning her attention back on dinner. "Delia just needs a little time to sort through all of her emotions. It obviously came as a shock to the poor girl, but once the dust has settled I'm sure she'll want to move forward."
Patsy hoped she was right.
Much to her own surprise, Patsy did sleep that night. Her slumber was not a peaceful one, as her mind tormented her with dreams of Delia. As she lay there, staring up at the ceiling she could feel the sting of salt from her tears, and blinked them away angrily. A small part of her felt foolish, mourning something she never truly had. Her heart hurt nevertheless. Ached for the loss, and for the hope.
With a shaky breath, she reached for her phone; Delia had still not replied.
Patsy needed to consider her next move. Should she admit defeat? Give Delia the space she had requested and back off. Or should she keep trying, take the knocks and further risk of rejection? Contemplating the easy opition, she shook her head and sent Delia another message.
The following morning, it took a huge effort to finally drag herself out of the cocoon of her quilt. Patsy could already hear Trixie up and about. With another deep sigh, she went to join her friend. The thought of having another heart to heart without at least a cup of coffee in her hand was out of the question.
"Good morning sweetie," Trixie greeted with a smile. As if reading her mind, she clicked on the kettle. "Did you manage to get some sleep?"
"I did," Patsy nodded. Her full attention turning to the dining table where only yesterday morning she and Delia sat, and for a hopeful moment Patsy thought they could have a future together.
"Would you like a coffee or would you prefer a herbal tea?" Trixie offered, bringing the red-head out of her daydreams.
"A coffee is fine, thank you," Patsy replied, chewing on her thumb nail. "Has Delia been in touch with you? Because I assume you have tried to get in contact with her as well."
"Yes. I called her," Trixie paused, making the hot drinks. "She didn't answer, but she did send me an e-mail."
"What did she say?" Patsy could hear the desperation in her own voice, and tried not to shudder at the pity radiating from Trixie's eyes as she turned to look at her.
"Just that she had arrived safely and not to worry." Trixie smiled sympathetically.
Patsy sighed, taking the steaming mug of coffee that was handed to her. "And that is all she said?"
"Pretty much. Yes."
"Did she say when she'd be back?"
At Trixie's lack of response, Patsy knew Delia wouldn't be coming home any time soon.
Patsy contemplated another day being spent without things being resolved with Delia. The very thought left her stomach feeling like it had been twisted into a tight knot. Slamming her cup down onto the dining table, she shook her head. "I can't do this. I can't just sit here while Deels is miles away, and hope for her forgiveness. I have to earn it." The red-head was resolute.
"I need to show her how much I care. How much she truly means to me. I need to get on a train and bring her home."
Trixie looked at her friend unsure, as she sipped her coffee. "Sweetie, I understand that you want things resolved, but have you considered Delia's feelings in all of this?"
"What do you mean?" Patsy snapped.
"Just that she headed to Wales for a reason," Trixie sighed. "Perhaps she needs more time to think things over."
Patsy thought for a moment. "I understand what you are saying Trix, but haven't I wasted too much time already?" She implored. "Don't you see that I can't lose her."
At the sound of Trixie's giggles, Patsy turned her head sharply to see her blonde friend smiling. "Sweetie, if that is how you truly feel. Then what are you waiting for? Go and get her."
Patsy's mind raced as she began to think over her own words. "It's still only half past six in the morning?" She chewed on her bottom lip, feeling her rush of courage begin to waver. Maybe Trixie was right. Maybe this plan was a mistake.
"And?" Trixie questioned.
Patsy could feel her pulse beating rapidly at the side of her neck, as she stared back at her friend. "What if she doesn't..."
"Patsy." The blonde scolded, "Weren't you just the one trying to convince me that this is what you needed to do? You could stand here all day deliberating, but you were right. Sometimes actions speak much louder than words. Love won't wait around forever, sweetie."
With a firm nod, the red-head knew she would have to be brave. Hiding behind excuses and fear had cost her far too much of her happiness already.
"I guess I'm going to Wales." Patsy let out a nervous giggle, as Trixie wrapped her arms around her.
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Trixie smiled. "Start packing."
A/N - I just want to shine a bright spotlight of gratitude on Steff, and all of her help with this chapter. Thank you!
Also thank you to everyone, for all the wonderful reviews. More soon. x
