Thanks for the feedback, y'all. This is another REALLY BAD IDEA, but heck, I've only got one exam left, it's an essay, and I should be able to write it tomorrow, so what the hell...
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Chapter 9:
Shadows of the Past
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"...a stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces. Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our mother's face; from the prison of her flesh we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth. Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father's heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? O waste of loss, in the hot mazes, lost, among bright stars on this most weary unbright cinder, lost! Remembering speechlessly we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When? O lost, and by the wind grieved, ghost, come back again."
--- Thomas Wolfe, Look Homeward, Angel
~*~*~*~
UNKNOWN TIME
UNKNOWN DATE
UNKNOWN PLACE
Harm opened his eyes to darkness again, then closed them as voices and images crashed over him once more.
"I *hate* you, Daddy," five-year-old Harmon Rabb screamed, tears running down his face. "I hope I *never* see you again!"
"I'll be okay, Harm," Lt. Joseph Young whispered. "Dying's not so bad, I swear it isn't."
"But Joe," Lt. Harmon Rabb laid his hand on his friend's wasted shoulder. "You *promised* me you'd fight this."
They came and kept coming, images, voices, and memories too fast to stop. They churned together, ran together, and followed each other in quick succession:
Two men in chaplain's uniforms stood in front of his open door, talking to his mother. "We regret to inform you that Lieutenant Harmon David Rabb Sr. was shot down over Vietnam, and is now officially classified as Missing in Action."
The body bag unzipped to reveal Diane, her face lifeless and her chest smeared with blood. "You'll be assisting with this case, Commander."
Death. Death surrounded him, mocking him with its existence in his memories. Voices triggered other memories, all mocking him with pain. Life was pain. Death was freedom:
Gunfire. Sixteen-year-old Harm turned back to see his sweetheart crumple to the ground, red liquid spreading over her chest. He turned to run to her, but Striker grabbed his arm. "That's suicide, son," the man said gruffly, tugging on the teenager's arm. "Let's get the hell out of here."
Pain. Pain was his friend, because it held back death. As long as he hurt, he was alive, and he could find a way to make it back to Her. Wherever She was, it was always safe.
A flash of light called his attention to her right hand. Engaged. She had accepted Bugme's proposal.
He couldn't see. The carrier deck was blurry, impossible to land on. Too low! They were too low! There was no way he could avoid crashing into it.
Pain. Pain and more pain brought Harm fully awake. The drug was leaving his system, but he knew that the relief would only be temporary. In his moments of lucidity, he realized that this was the end of the line. Joey had been right; death didn't look so bad. Perhaps he was interpreting what his late friend had said, but at this point, an end to the pain and torment would be welcome.
Larry and Moe kept his hands bound all the time now and had even started to tether his ankles. He'd been moved to another, smaller cell, so the gouges that he'd carved in the wall were now inaccessible. Time had no meaning. Neither day nor night truly existed.
The only real thing was pain. The only memories that gave him comfort when under the influence of Starlight were the ones of Mac. Good or bad, memories of Her made him feel better in this hellhole. Sometimes, he almost thought that She was with him, soothing away some of the pain.
Harm looked in the direction of the door as he heard the telltale creak that preceded its opening. Dim light trickled through the cracks as the third man that he liked to call Curly slipped through. Larry and Moe followed him. Before Harm could force his sluggish body to react, Larry and Moe grabbed him and looped more wire around his bonds before winding it around a metal loop set high in the wall.
The position made his cuts break open once more as Curly approached him. The dirty little man pulled out a syringe, swiftly jabbed it into Harm's stomach, then depressed the plunger. Sadik walked in and motioned to the three stooges to leave the room. "So, Commander. Are you enjoying your stay with us?"
Harm replied by spitting at Sadik. He really didn't have much spit to spare, so the projectile fell far short of the odious man.
"That wasn't very nice, Commander," Sadik said with a smirk. He walked closer and punched Harm in the stomach, following that with another punch to the face that made Harm's head come in contact with the wall. For a few minutes, he saw stars and could barely hear Sadik's words.
"It's only a matter of time... you *will* tell me every bit of classified information that you know before I let this be over." Sadik reached up and yanked on Harm's wrists, making the wire that bound them cut into his flesh deeply.
Harm felt the now familiar sensation of the drug taking over, and almost welcomed the painful memories it brought. At least, in his memories, *She* was there. He could open his eyes and almost see her, feel her gentle touch and hear her whispering to him that it would be okay, and that She would keep him safe. "My Sarah," he murmured, then fell into oblivion.
~*~*~*~
1535 Zulu
20 December 2003
Roberts's Residence
Falls Church, Virginia
Mac hesitated before knocking on the door. It had almost become routine for her to show up there on the weekends lately, but she still felt reluctant to intrude. She took a deep breath and waited for the answer. With Harm missing, she had started to rely heavily on Harriet and Bud just to keep her sane. Clay had been out of the country for a little over the month, so she really didn't have any other friends to turn to.
Mac pasted a smile on her face as the door opened. "Hi, Harriet," she said softly.
"Colonel," Harriet said with a smile. "C'mon in." She opened the door wider and gestured to her.
Mac went in the house and followed Harriet into the living room where she was stopped by a blond whirlwind barreling into her legs. "Aunt Mac!" he said happily. "I hoped that you'd comed."
"Hey, kiddo," Mac said, mussing the child's hair.
Little AJ grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the couch. "Aunt Mac, why are you sad?" he asked, his little face creased in a frown.
Mac sat down and held out her arms towards the little boy. AJ climbed into her lap and gave her a big hug. "Can I get you anything, ma'am?" Harriet asked before Mac could answer Little AJ's question.
"Thanks, Harriet, but no." Mac hugged Little AJ. "Where's Bud?"
"Oh, he and Commander Turner are playing basketball." Harriet answered. "They've been working on mending their friendship, and since Harm isn't here right now..." Before Harriet could finish her thought, a thin wail could be heard coming from the second floor. "That's Jimmy--I'll be right back, ma'am."
"Aunt Mac, why are you sad?" Little AJ asked again. "Is it because Uncle Harm's gone away like Daddy does sometimes?"
Mac was quiet for a moment, and she dropped a kiss on the top of Little AJ's head before she said anything. "Sweetheart, you know how Uncle Harm hasn't called you in a while?"
"Uh huh, but he said that he had to go play pretend, and it might be until Santa comes afore he can call me again." Little AJ smiled at Mac and gave her a hug.
"AJ, baby, something happened to Uncle Harm--the bad guys took him away." Mac bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from breaking down.
Little AJ slid off her lap and held out his hand. "C'mon, Aunt Mac," he said. "I've got somethin' I wanna show you."
Wordlessly, Mac stood, took Little AJ's hand, and let him lead her upstairs to his room. They walked inside, and Little AJ released her hand before pulling a chair over to a wall. He climbed up on it, and pulled a picture off a hook, then got down. "You can sit on my bed, Aunt Mac," he offered with a smile.
Mac sat down and held out her arms to Little AJ. "What's that, sweetheart?" she asked.
Little AJ walked into her embrace, then showed her the picture. "It's me an' Uncle Harm. Before he went away, he took me flying." A joyous smile lit up the little boy's face. "It was just him an' me, without the *baby*." The child's face twisted into an expression of disgust.
"You look like you two had fun," Mac commented.
"We *did*. Aunt Mac, Uncle Harm told me that he had to go stop a very *bad* man, and that he'd come home, 'cause the bad guys aren't allowed to win." Little AJ looked at her earnestly. "He'll come home, Aunt Mac, because he *promised* that we could go flying again."
"And Harm always keeps his promises," Mac whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "Baby, sometimes as much as we want to keep promises, other people do things that make it impossible."
"I know." Little AJ said calmly. "Uncle Harm could get hurt like Daddy did. It just means that I have to ask God to bring Uncle Harm home safe."
Mac bit her lip. "But God doesn't always answer prayers," she murmured.
Little AJ grinned. "Me and Bobby was talking about it. He said that his mommy said God *always* answers prayers, but sometimes, He just says no." A fleeting look of disgust crossed his face. "I know that's true, 'cause I got *Jimmy* when I asked God for a baby *sister*."
Mac laughed a little, and hugged AJ closer. "And why did you want a sister instead of Jimmy?"
"A'cause maybe a sister wouldn't cry all the time, and Bobby's sister doesn't steal his trains and his brother *does*."
"But I thought you said that girls are gross," Mac said with a smile.
"Girls *are* icky," Little AJ agreed.
"Then how come you like me so much, huh, kiddo?"
"You're *not* a girl, you're *Aunt Mac*, just like Mommy ain't no girl, neither."
Mac started tickling him. "I am *so* a girl," she said teasingly.
"Not!" the child shrieked.
"Am, *so*," she said, tickling him even more. Little AJ squirmed out of her grasp as Harriet walked in the room.
"Mommy," Little AJ said breathlessly, "can I go into the backyard to play?"
"Sure, sweetie, but stay in the backyard, okay?"
"Okay, Mommy." Little AJ hurried out of the room, leaving Harriet and Mac alone.
"AJ drag you up here?"
"Yeah, he wanted me to see this," Mac handed the framed photograph to Harriet.
Harriet looked at the picture and smiled. "That was a good day," she said. "Harm let me tag along; it was Little AJ's first flight, and I just wanted to make sure that he'd be okay."
"Did he talk to you about anything?" Mac asked.
"No," Harriet reached up and pushed some hair behind her ear. "He's kept in touch with AJ, but he hasn't talked to Bud or me." She laid her hand on Mac's arm. "I'm sorry, Colonel, but the most contact that Harm has had with me is the present he sent for Jimmy."
"That was what Bud said a few weeks ago," Mac murmured. "I miss him," she said finally.
"I know you do, ma'am," Harriet murmured.
Mac went on, heedless of what Harriet was saying. "It's funny, y'know? He came after me in Paraguay after I ditched him. I know Harm--I asked him what he'd give up for me once, and he's more than proven that." She played with her ring for a few minutes before continuing. "He came to rescue me and offered everything--and I told him that a relationship between us would never work."
"You did?" Harried asked, shocked.
Mac nodded. "To be fair, it was his fault, too; we seem to have a singular talent for pissing each other off."
Harriet smiled. "I seem to remember some spectacular fights between the two of you."
"Yeah... we're always doing that and I don't even know why, really."
"We all know how you and the Commander feel about each other, ma'am," Harriet said.
"How's that?"
"Why, it's easy to see--the way he looks at you when you're not watching, ma'am. Commander Rabb loves you."
Mac chuckled humorlessly. "Why is it that people keep telling me that? Why am I the only one who can't see it?"
"Maybe it's because you and Harm have lived practically in each other's back pockets for the better part of eight years, and you've gotten too used to blocking out your feelings to see his?" Harriet grimaced. "I'm not sure if that makes any sense."
"So what you're saying is that I'm so blinded by what I feel that I can't see what he feels for me?" Mac asked.
"That pretty much sums it up, ma'am," Harriet said. "I'm not the only one who sees how... wistful he looks when you're around. I think he's scared that things wouldn't work out, and then he'd lose you."
Mac laughed softly. "I think I need an instruction manual. He once said that what he wanted most was to never lose me, and now I may have lost him permanently."
Harriet hesitated for a few minutes before voicing her thoughts. "Ma'am? Do you remember when the Commander crashed his plane trying to get back in time for your wedding?"
"How could I forget?" Mac asked quietly. "It was one of the worst moments of my life, but this is much, much worse, because we're stuck in limbo, and we can't get out of it."
"Ma'am, you found the Commander in the middle of the Atlantic that night." Harriet took a deep breath. "Do you think you could do it again? I mean, he's even more lost now than he was then."
Mac grimaced. "I don't know, Harriet, but I can try; this is inexact at best." Mac closed her eyes and concentrated. She'd always been subconsciously aware of Harm's whereabouts, so it was a matter of 'finding' him and trying to see where he was being held.
Mac took a deep breath and focused completely on her sailor. Finally, after much effort, she found him, but she couldn't see where he was. "I found him," she murmured as she opened her eyes. "But it doesn't do us any good, because it's too dark where he is to see anything."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Harriet said. "It was a long shot--"
"Harriet, I *found* him," Mac interrupted. "I don't know where he's being held, but he's alive and he's in pain." Her face clouded over. "Whoever found him has been hurting him, and we have to find him soon." She hugged the picture of Harm and Little AJ to her chest and let her hair fall forward, obscuring her face. Wherever he was, she needed her sailor home with her where he belonged.
~*~*~*~
TBC...
