Author's Note: Hi everyone, I want to apologize so much for the long wait. I know it's been a long time and if you're reading this now you have much much love from me. Myself and Kelsey have been very busy bees with school work and generally being teenagers. She's got a lot going on, so I have decided to take on chapters 9 and 10. I've been revising for about 2hrs, so this is my reward to myself, and you guys. Kelsey will definitely be back soon to update you all with her literary genius writing skills. Okay, I'm going to warn everyone again that the characters have been separated from everything Disney and the rating is for a reason. Enjoy!
Sonny Munroe woke up and was immediately blinded by the sunlight. What time was it? She saw the small furry clock she normally would check smashed on the floor, lying on top of it was a used piece of protection used the night before. She looked beside her to see a young man lying naked beside her, his arm draped over the side of the bed, and his face buried in the pillow. It was weird; she couldn't even remember meeting the man, let alone going home with him. She tossed a stray part of her greasy brown hair behind her ear and examined her own naked body.
She was truly despicable; she could see her bones and various bruises all over herself. She stepped out of bed quietly and examined herself in the full length mirror hanging on the door of her room. She wasn't even recognizable. Her eyes had bags under them; her lips were still bright red, with tracks of lipstick running past her cheek onto her neck. The man the night before had obviously been very passionate with her, as her neck showed signs of his lips. She tried not to burst into sobs when she came down to her stomach. She took a deep breath and ran her nail across the scar fading away. It was the only trace of evidence that she had ever been to the hospital. Sonny refused to think about it in too much detail; she feared that doing so would lead her to suicide. It always brought a tear to her eye when she realised the consequences of her actions. The only way she could cope with knowing what she had done was to numb it all, and the only way to numb it all was through drink and various other forms of toxins.
Chad Dylan Cooper seemed only a memory. She had blocked him out too. Knowing him would only make her feel the intense guilt that threatened to ruin her life. Her Mother seemed something of a memory too; she couldn't see the woman without feeling ashamed of herself. Did they think she was proud? Did they think that she wouldn't change anything given the chance? Apparently so, so the solution was to pretend they never existed.
"Baby, I didn't even know you were awake," the man yawned, sitting upright on the bed. Sonny turned and immediately forced herself to put on a t-shirt lying on the floor. She didn't want him to ask about her scar; she didn't even want to remember that scar existed.
"I had fun last night," she told him, forcing herself to kiss him softly. His breath stank of alcohol and weed. She would have acknowledged him by name, but honestly, she couldn't remember him at all. She must have been so wasted last night.
"Me too, Ryan told me you were wild, but I really had no idea," he mused, winking at her. Ryan said a lot of things about her. Their relationship was basically founded on drugs and polygamy. She was only with him officially to pretend to everyone that used to know her, that she was fine. She was coping. She wasn't going around sleeping with everything in sight, no; she had one man to love her. Truthfully, Ryan barely acknowledged her existence without another girl draped around him. They only pretended to keep the media away.
"Yeah, so, I'll call you?" She asked him, plastering a fake smile on her face. He was one of the uglier guys that she couldn't remember being with. He must have been quite charismatic the night before, because it certainly wasn't his looks that made her take him home.
"Sure," he shrugged, shoving on his clothes. They were both well aware that they would probably never see each other again. That was how it worked with everyone. They were all like ghosts wandering endlessly, feeling grasps of emotion sporadically. He waved to her before exiting her room.
Ryan was sleeping on the couch with two girls lying on the floor. He only woke up when Sonny's date closed the door behind him and the two girls left as soon as they possibly could. Sonny thought she recognized them from the adult magazines Ryan would read, but she couldn't be sure. They were blonde with big boobs, which was all they had to be if they wanted to end up with Ryan. He took out a cigarette and wiped his eyes, the evidence of their behaviour lying on a small tray in little lines, little lines that Ryan took within seconds.
"I love Hollywood," he sniggered, as Sonny sat down next to him, looking for objects to remind her of what had happened the night before. Nothing seemed to make her recall anything, so she would have to put the night down as forgotten, like many of the nights she had experienced lately.
"I can't remember a thing," she giggled. It was difficult, but Sonny had enabled herself to act around Ryan as well. She pretended that she was so happy and that she wasn't ashamed of herself at all: she figured that if she kept up the act long enough, it would soon become real. "I'm guessing you had a lot of fun."
"One is definitely the loneliest number," he winked, opening up a magazine to focus his eyes again. "What about you? Who the hell was that porn king reject who just left?"
"I don't even know," she shrugged. "But apparently you told him I was wild."
"Clearly I gave him my seal of approval," he laughed, passing the magazine to Sonny, letting himself get higher. Truthfully, Ryan would give anyone his seal of approval when the night was at its height.
She flicked through the magazine carelessly. It was something she could do to pass the time she guessed. Nothing stood out, until she came face to face with a photograph of Chad Dylan Cooper. It was an interview with him before he started working on his new sitcom about an actor and his cast and crew mates on the set of one of America's leading drama series'. She didn't even know he got a new job, but apparently he was starring in this and writing a lot of it. It was exactly what he wanted. And she wasn't even there to congratulate him. She placed her hand over his face, and couldn't stop her eyes from welling up with tears. She missed him so much. The mere thought of him triggered an intense emotion she couldn't understand. It made her want to scream, cry and break things, realizing that they could never speak again. Thinking of him with Tawni only intensified it, especially when she thought of how they had been intimate together first.
"What are you doing?" Ryan asked her, taking her hand away from Chad's face. "What have I told you?"
"We couldn't even talk for a little while?" She asked him hopefully, like she would ask her Mother a request when she was a child. "I feel like I owe him an explanation."
"What are you going to tell him?" He asked her, shaking his head. "Sonny, you killed his child. There's nothing to say to him. He would never forgive you. It's not fair to talk to him when you know something like that. You might as well just cut and run."
"But-"
"No 'buts', I don't think you should be talking to the guy," he told her, sounding annoyed again. She tried not to burst into tears, and when he saw how still she became, he put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. "I know it doesn't seem fair, but I'm doing what's best for you. Those people only make you sad, and you don't want to be reminded of what you did, do you?"
"No."
And that was it settled.
With Ryan came his little sister Keisha. Sonny wanted to talk to her sometimes, just to have someone to confide in, but like her brother, she didn't believe in much except playing songs just good enough for airplay and numbing everything. It was like she was trapped in a parallel universe. There was no one to talk to. She felt completely alone in a room surrounded by others who didn't feel the painful emptiness she blocked out every night.
"I totally want to have a baby," Keisha said one day, flicking through a magazine whilst smoking something that wasn't a simple tobacco cigarette. "In the movies everyone sorts themselves out when they have a baby."
"Well look at it this way; you're certainly practicing now, aren't you?" Ryan sniggered, prompting Keisha to slap him over the back of the head. Sonny tried not to look them in the eye. Keisha didn't know, but she still couldn't help but clutch her stomach, as if there was some visible trace of what a monster she was.
"Come on Sonny, don't you want a baby?" Keisha asked her. It was a perfectly innocent question, and Sonny should have been able to answer it with ease, but she found herself feeling very sick. She had been given every chance to have a baby, but she had destroyed it.
"I did," she replied, but she didn't realise that she was speaking out loud. She felt a tear run down her cheek, and watched Keisha look at her worriedly, putting her hands on her shoulder. "I'm fine. I don't know what I was saying. Of course I don't want a baby."
"You alright there, kitten?" She asked her, Keisha's pet name for everyone when they were feeling particularly stressed or worried. Of course she wasn't okay, and she longed to tell someone why. Sometimes the temptation was so bad, like now. She figured that if someone else knew, they could talk to her about it. They could talk about it, and maybe, just maybe, Sonny could learn to forgive herself. It was such a selfish request, but she really couldn't imagine living the rest of her life feeling this way.
"She's fine," Ryan replied, just as Sonny was opening her mouth. And then she was forced back to reality. If she told, Keisha would think she was a monster. She was a monster! How could she even think that someone else would sympathize with her? "Aren't you?"
"Absolutely," Sonny replied, smiling as authentically as she could manage. "Let's go out and party."
It was her answer to everything: to drown her sorrows in expensive wine and drugs. She didn't even know the people she sat next to, but they were willing not to ask her everything she was forbidden to tell them, so they would do.
What she wasn't expecting was for Lucy and Nick to be in the same club. They hadn't spoken in almost a year. Lucy had attempted to regain her friendship, but Sonny had ignored her calls before she had fallen off the sane side of the earth. She would have loved nothing more than to speak to Lucy, but when Ryan had called her with abusive messages on Sonny's 'behalf', she guessed that things could never be the same again. They didn't see her at first; Lucy was clinging onto Nick, kissing him softly, and speaking to a crowd of people Sonny had never seen before.
"Oh shit," she gasped, hiding behind Keisha immediately. Keisha looked over, and the look of jealousy and devastation washed over her face. No matter how many hours she spent entertaining other men, they would never be Nick. Sonny, even though she was clouded by her own insecurities, and self loathing, wanted to reach out to Keisha, but she wouldn't talk about it. She seemed content to talk about everything that actually didn't mean a thing to her.
"That bitch says anything to you, I swear to God, I'll fucking floor her," she insisted, but truthfully she probably didn't even give a damn about Sonny's problems. The girl was proving to be the only thing standing in the way of her and Nick's reconciliation. Keisha lived in the world of denial, exactly the place Sonny had fallen into.
"She won't," Sonny insisted, clasping Ryan's hand. He looked at her, and then he looked over at Nick and Lucy and clutched it tightly. He wasn't being supportive; he was just ensuring that she stayed close to his side. Sonny looked around to see if any other ghosts of her past walked among them, but it seemed to only be Lucy.
She was in the girl's bathroom when Lucy entered at the same time. She was attempting not to cry while applying some eyeliner. She wiped her nose of the evidence that she had been 'riding the blizzard'. She hoped that Lucy wouldn't see her, but of course she did.
"I don't even know what to say to you," she said, crossing her arms. "But I feel like I need to."
"Don't bother," she replied, trying to leave, but Lucy followed her all the way outside, where she pulled out a cigarette in other to cope with the confrontation.
"I know I was a real bitch to you when I kicked you out!" She snapped, "But to have your boyfriend call me and threaten to kill me was a little excessive, don't you think?"
"What do you want me to say?" She asked. Sonny knew exactly what she should say, but if she said it, it would mean making amends, and talking about the thing that couldn't be talked about.
"I expect an apology at least!" She yelled, shaking her head. "Are you telling me you agree with what he did? I know you're practically coked out of your mind right now, but even Lindsay Lohan could tell me that one."
"You know what? You deserved some kind of shit to bring you off of that high horse you're sitting on!" Sonny cried, unable to believe she would stoop to that level. She knew exactly what problems she had, but she didn't need her friend to remind her of it. She didn't need anyone to remind her of it. Lucy just looked at her, and Sonny could have sworn she seen her eyes glimmering with tears.
"I'm not sitting on my high horse!" She gasped. "Look, I know you're perfectly willing to deny that there's a problem here, but there is! What he did was wrong! Chad wouldn't do anything like that and you know it!" The mere mention of Chad brought out the worst in her. Sonny hated hearing his name, because it forced out a whole flurry of emotions she didn't even know existed.
"I should have told you everything he said!" She hissed. "Because Lucy, you don't even exist to me now!" She could have sworn that she saw Lucy's eyes glimmering with tears at that moment.
"You don't even know the difference between right and wrong anymore," she said, stepping away. "That is so sad. If you see my friend Sonny, could you please ask her to call me?"
As Lucy walked away, Sonny knew that she had gone too far. She wanted to run after her so badly and tell her what was wrong, but before she could move, Ryan was standing behind her with his arms crossed and an angry expression on his face. He shook his head and clenched his fists.
"I told you to cut yourself off," he said softly, but it was intimidating, and Sonny felt her heart thumping against her chest. She couldn't argue with him.
"She talked to me," she insisted, but he would never allow it.
"It's like you're criticizing me!" He snapped. "I know what's best for you! You think that I'm totally fucking insane, but I'm not!"
"Can we not do this here?" She asked, but it was empty around them. All that surrounded them were bushes and blinding streetlights.
"You killed Chad Dylan Cooper's baby! You allowed yourself to have a miscarriage because you weren't careful!" He bellowed, grabbing her arm. "Do you think people are going to understand that? Do you think that people are going to forgive you for that?"
"But I miss them!" She protested, her eyes filling up with tears. "I don't expect anyone to forgive me, but I just want to talk to them and tell them it's not their fault! She could've told Chad, and then I wouldn't feel so bad because it wouldn't be a secret!"
"No one would ever forgive you!" He snapped. "Look, come on! Let's go home and get high? They're not your friends anymore, so stop worrying about them. You can't trust anyone except me, but you know that, right?"
"Yeah," she nodded. He was right. Ryan was always right; no one else would understand it. She was surprised that he continued talking to her. She didn't want to lose the only ally she had left. She would rather be in this world, than the world where everyone hated her. She would rather block it out than face it every single day. Ryan hailed a cab and then they went home.
It was at that moment when Keisha stepped out from behind a bush. She had been trying to call Nick, because she didn't want to speak to him when he was with Lucy.
"Oh God," she gasped, unable to believe what she had just heard. She immediately got out her phone and began dialing the only person she could think of.
