"Lets get down to business now
I'm saving myself the trouble in the end
So lets get down to business now
I'm saving myself the trouble in the end
(Saving myself the trouble)
But you don't know the half and the one to blame for it

(hey) Cause I'm best known for failure (hey)
Best known for giving up (hey)
There's nothing that I can say that can matter"

Sitting there on the zip-boat, I looked out the window. It was still motionless, but I needed to find something, anything to look at.

Inside my chest, my heart started pounding, and I quivered like I was cold, but it was quite warm in here. My breath hitched, and I leaned forward trying to catch it. I clenched a hand over my pounding heart as if trying to quiet it.

"-okay? Squall!"

I jerked my head up, and the appearance of my face must have shocked him. He stared at me, eyes filled with concern. "Squall, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"I-I don't know." I stammered.

I resisted the urge to get up and run. I don't know where I wanted to go, but remaining seated here was one of the hardest things I'd ever done.

"Squall." He grabbed my face and lifted it. "It's okay. I'm here. We're just on the zip-boat. Everything is okay. Everything is GOING to be okay."

I stared at him. My face was warming up to his touch. My heart seemed to slow down. What was this? Was I-

I leaned forward, pressing my lips against his. I reached out and gripped his shirt tightly, pulling him closer still. Before I knew what was happening, I had my knees on the seat and I was pinning him against the backrest.

Zell was more than willing to accommodate me, but his kisses were far too playful and gentle for me. I wanted intensity. I wanted that rush.

I slid down and my forehead landed on his shoulder. He just held me for a moment. That was enough for me.

Zell wasn't perfect for me. Not by a long shot. But he was here with me, which was a lot more than anyone else had ever done for me. Cross and I might have…fit, but if he wasn't going to be here, then what was the point of waiting for him?

How stupid was I to desperately cling to a man who was long gone? At this point, I didn't even know if he was dead or alive.

Yes, I did. I knew he was alive. I could feel him beating in my chest.

Although in my heart, I knew what I was doing with Zell, he was here when Seifer wasn't. I was using him to satisfy my own stupid self. I was bound to get in a world of trouble.

What the hell was I supposed to do anymore? I didn't know.

I sat back down and looked out the window, not paying any attention to Zell who was sitting there looking confused and perhaps exhausted.

I needed to get my shit together.

I didn't say anything for a long time, and I could tell he was disappointed.

"Squall?"

"Hm?"

He paused. I could tell he wanted to say something, but my lack of an answer made him change his mind. Who could blame him? He had every right to be angry.

"This guy you love…" He paused.

I turned and looked at him. I know my expression much have been all too dark.

Zell was known to laugh in the face of danger, and I was no exception. I had hurt him too many times. He was now scorned, if not raging, and there wasn't much I could do about it.

"Where is he?"

I could feel my nostrils flare as I let out a silent snort of rejection.

"No, seriously. Where is he?"

"Winhill, I guess. He said he was going to Winhill, probably to avoid the draft."

Zell turned and looked out the window. His eyes in the reflection were something I had never seen on him. Glazed over, as if deep in thought.

"Winhill…" He murmured. He turned to me. "Then why are you here?"

"Because there's no point in me going to Winhill."

"What the hell do you mean, "no point"?" He shouted. At this point, I could feel everyone looking at us. I didn't know if I cared or not. At that point, I think I was too angry to care. If they wanted to look, let them. I hoped it was a great show.

"There's no point in chasing something like that. It's a lost cause, Zell. What would I do there? Huh?"

"The same thing you've always done!" He shouted. "Quit avoiding something that means so much to you!"

At this point, I realized this wasn't about Cross anymore. As soon as Winhill was mentioned…it could never be about Cross.

"It doesn't mean anything anymore, Zell," I said, as calmly as I could. I was shaking, I think in anger, but I couldn't let him see that.

"Look, if it hurts to just talk about, then that must mean it needs to be done." He paused. "Are you scared?" He mocked.

I stared at him pointedly.

His mockery faded from his countenance and he sat back in his seat. "You are scared." He shot a glance out the window. "Look, Squall, I'll go with you. You need to go back there. You need to get over this."

"Hyne, Zell… I'll never get over it. I've learned to live with it. That's all I can do. It's over and done with."

"Your sister, let alone your fa-"

I shot him a death glare so sharp it cut the words right out of his mouth. "You don't want to go there," I warned. "And neither do I. So just stop it."

Zell looked down. I felt terrible, and I wanted to apologize, but how could I?

"Squall, I thought that was you." I heard in front of me.

Oh, fuck no. Not this shit.

I looked up. "Nida, hey…"

Zell turned his nose up, looking at Nida with a strange expression.

"Didn't think you were going anywhere for the break."

"I wasn't going to. I came home on a whim. Why are you here?"

Zell looked at me. He was offended, reasonably so. He had no idea that I didn't plan to come home. I looked at him and rolled my eyes and cast a pointed look to Nida.

With a single sight exchange, Zell turned his attention to Nida.

"I'm Zell." He shot his hand out.

Nida stared at the hand, for just a fraction of a second, before taking it and shaking it slowly. He shook it in a matter that made it obvious he was uncomfortable. That was what I wanted, right? Then why did it infuriate me?

Zell didn't seem to notice. That, or he just didn't care. Zell was…

Well rounded. Social. A good hearted person with good intentions. Someone who said what was on his mind without being asked. Someone who loved, cared, and thought about other people. In a simple word, Zell was…sane.

I, on the other hand…

"Nice to meet you, I'm Nida. I go to school with Squall."

"Yeah, I figured," Zell responded.

Nida turned his attention back to me, trying to think of a conversation starter. I wasn't too keen on the idea. In fact, I wanted him to get as far from me as possible, unfortunately, the clear look of disdain on my countenance must have been mistaken for an invitation. I'm not sure how the two were confused.

He took the seat in front of us, kneeling down so he was facing our direction.

"So, what's your major?" He asked, eyeing Zell's tattoo.

As opposed to it as I was upon seeing the permanent ink marked into the flesh of his face, I was now extremely protective of it. As asinine as an idea that might have been, it was still Zell's decision, and I didn't like the way Nida looked at it. I didn't like much about Nida at all, but this judgment of his had to go.

I snarled. "History," I said for him. I wanted to add so much more, but I just couldn't find a way to say it correctly.

"Oh. Well, that's good for you. There's not much you can do with a history degree though."

My fists balled in anger. Pure adrenaline was now beginning to replace my very blood. I could feel the venom in my stomach rising, the bile was rushing through me and I could taste it on my tongue. I could spit fire right now if I wanted to.

Zell seemed to notice my anger. His knuckles brushed against mine in the gentlest exchange of skin-to-skin contact I had experienced since I was a child.

"Well, be that as it may, that's what I'm taking."

In my still angry, albeit calmer, state of mind, I realized that Nida was probably angry at Zell. The same way I was angry at pretty much everyone. That anger… it wasn't good. It wasn't healthy. There wasn't anything good that was going to come from it. If I could, I had to stop it now.

I couldn't help it though. The anger that I once held for Nida for having an unwanted interest in me was gone. I understood now that feelings like that couldn't be helped. In most circumstances, they couldn't be changed, either. Now I was angry at Nida for trying to hurt Zell. That was something I just couldn't forgive.

Then I realized the kindest thing I could do was also the most cruel. I laced my fingers, intertwining them with Zell's hardened hands and held it on my thigh. It was a gesture that did not go unnoticed by Nida.

Zell said nothing.

Nida waited a few minutes in silence. "Well, Squall, I suppose I'll see you at school."

"Yeah." I gave him a small smile.

He went back to find a different seat and I felt my anger go with him.

I looked down at our hands. I must have noticed on a thousand different occasions, but every single time, Zell's hands were like a new discovery. They were bigger, much more powerful than mine, and yet they were fleshy and smooth. His fingers were cold, but his palm was warm and inviting.

I couldn't help but keep my hand safe inside of his long after Nida was long gone.

Zell didn't seem to mind, and in fact used his leverage to pull me onto his shoulder. We sat like this for the rest of the trip, not speaking at all. This silence between us was not awkward or bothersome. It was instead comfortable and restful.

There was something about the silence between Zell and me that helped me breathe. It gave me rest.

Zell had somehow calmed the storm of rage that was clouding up my vision. Still, as much as I believed in Zell, I knew better than to believe that this was my permanent solution.

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to use Zell for my own personal gratification, but unfortunately, I didn't know where the boundaries were drawn. Zell was like a drug. He came into my body and he made me want so much more of him. He was just so easy-breezy about it, too. I was getting hooked. Eventually, I would need him constantly.

People like Zell should wear a warning. Hell, I think everyone should wear one. Mine would say something like, "Dangerous: Do Not Approach" or "Use Extreme Caution".

I snickered to myself at the thought. Zell noticed and grinned at me. "What are you thinking about?"

"You naked." I retorted.

He chuckled and looked out the window. "Are you laughing out of sheer pleasure?"

"Oh, of course, what other kind of laughter is there with you?"

He raised an eyebrow, now smirking. "I dunno. You tell me."

I rolled my eyes and looked behind his head to peer out the window. "We're almost there already."

Zell looked out and mused a quiet noise of agreement.

Sure enough, the mechanical woman's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Attention passengers: we are now approaching-" there was a slight pause as a man's voice replaced the original. "Dollet- anyone departing shall exit on the platform to the left. I repeat…"

At this point, I stopped listening. It was the all too familiar sense of déjà vu for me at this point. Zell and I had been here so many times, it was second nature.

Zell stretched out, letting go of my hand. It was only that point I realized how sweaty my hands had become. I suppose I was so used to them being dried up.

"How's that cut?"

"Huh?" I looked at my hand, and had a flashback to me smashing that plate across the kitchen counter. "Oh. It's fine. I forgot all about it."

Zell nodded. "You're very self-ignorant, Squall."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you don't pay attention to yourself. Your health, your body…" He shrugged. "It's a double ended sword."

I snorted. "What the hell do you mean? I pay more attention to myself than I do anybody. I'm the most selfish person I know."

Zell rolled his eyes. "Squall, you wish you were selfish. You're one of the most selfless people I know, and the saddest part of it all is you have no idea how much it's hurting you."

I scowled at him.

"Squall, honestly, I don't believe that bad people can admit to being bad. That's what makes them horrible."

Zell must have been naïve enough to believe that I, who carried a chip on my shoulder for well over a decade was going to someday change. I was going to become social and carefree and be an all-around great guy.

I had serious doubts. No matter how much different I wanted to be, I was terrified of being hurt and alone. I was terrified of what my mind would do once I let go of my anger. I was terrified to think about who I was, and who I wanted to be. It scared me because I didn't want to get attached to anyone else.

Not Zell. Not "Cross", for that matter.

I didn't know how to recover. I couldn't do it myself, but I couldn't ask for help. I couldn't break the hearts of my mother, my sister, Zell, Zell's mother… I couldn't tell them how much I was suffering because it would break their hearts.

I couldn't take that. I couldn't handle being someone's burden. It was bad enough that I had to be my own.

"How do you know I'm not broken?"

He didn't even look at me for a moment before he answered, "Because you're asking for help."

We were completely silent until the zip-boat pulled up in Dollet's station. The announcement came back on and we stood up. He took my hand and pulled me along, which was probably for the best, considering I had no motivation to move anymore.

If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be not to live inside of my head. My mind was a dangerous place, and I didn't want to walk there alone. Unfortunately, it seemed like everyone else wasn't around.

As we stepped outside, the Dollet air ran through me. It was refreshing, sure, but the smog of the city immediately hit my lungs. As I looked around, I realized how different it was from the last time I had been here.

There weren't any fishermen on the docks. As far as the eye could see, children, women, and old men. The young men were all at war. It was painful, somehow. Balamb hadn't really been affected by the war efforts. Being an independent country, Balamb had released a draft on a voluntary basis.

College students were immediately exempt anyway, but the Dollet University was a ways from here. Zell and I were largely in the minority here. It was strange. Perhaps the city smog wasn't the only thing I was breathing in.

It was winter, but Dollet had always had a warm climate, and so my sweatshirt was a bit much. I slipped it over my head and tied the sleeves around my waist. Zell seemed a little more comfortable than I did.

Zell stretched out. "Feels nice to be here."

I hummed in agreement. "What should we do first?"

Zell shrugged and started walking. "Well, I'm not hungry yet, so let's head into the town."

I nodded and followed him.

I watched Zell's back as we headed up the stairs. I sighed softly watching his legs climb the steps. Zell…

I reached up and grabbed his wrist. He immediately turned around, staring at me.

I must have pouted, because he smiled and wrapped an arm around me, heading towards the town. As soon as you entered Dollet, you were hit in the face with an overabundance of diners and bars. Not uncommon for an old town.

Gift shops, too, were an exploding happening. A few new ones had appeared since the last time we'd been here. It wasn't unusual to see a few name changes, new paint jobs, new attractive posters hanging on the walls and windows.

"Squall?"

I looked at him.

"Do you know about the Holy Dollet Empire?"

Squall chuckled. "I went to the same history class you did."

Zell pouted. "Well, it's-"

"Refresh my memory." I chuckled, knowing his disappointment all too well. If there was something Zell knew, he wanted to make it known. That mere thing about him inspired me. His desire to share was beautiful.

"The Holy Dollet Empire ruled most of what is now Galbadian territory. It was ruled for most of it's conquering by-"

I tuned him out as I saw a head of blonde hair in the distance. It couldn't be… No, no way.

But it was. It must have been. That honey colored blond hair was walking away from me and I had to stop it. I couldn't let him get away again.

"-and that's why Dollet has such a small military. There is a lot of interest in this territory, though, because the mountains to the north have great access to satellites. That's why the soldiers of Lunatic Pandora are stationed here."

I looked at Zell and pulled him to the side, so I could get a better look to where that blond head of hair had gone to.

To my disappointment it was just a young woman, wearing a cadet outfit. How I mistook the two, I don't know. Maybe I was still just hoping he would be around somewhere. I had made the mistake of getting my hopes up, and the consequences for that were nothing short of pain.

"Squall?"

"Sorry I'm looking-" I let my eyes trail down the street. "For a barber shop."

Zell chuckled. "You want to try a new one?"

I glanced at him. "Well, I don't know."

Zell smirked. "Let's just play it safe for now."

I wish I could "play it safe". It was just too much. I wanted it too much. It was an addiction. I needed to break the habit right now. I needed to stop heading down this road. Even if I couldn't make a U-turn, I needed to stop and change directions.

Zell lead the way through the town. I followed beside him through the wide streets, heading towards the not-so-touristy part of town. All things considered, Zell and I were indeed foreigners here. Still, we were most familiar with the area, and we knew where the good action was.

That being said, the new sights of Dollet were gradually being replaced by the permanent landmarks that made the duchy famous. As far as anyone could tell, we were residents.

We headed up, away from the docks and shipyards and found ourselves in the more familiar main street. Zell headed toward our usual barber shop as soon as it was in sight. I quickly followed him, noticing people were becoming more and more interested in us.

It might have been Zell's unusual face tattoo or choice in hairstyle. It might have been my overlong hairstyle and the permanent scowl that seemed etched into my features. Hell, it might have been that the two of us were walking together side by side. Still, I couldn't help but think that people knew something was off about us.

I suddenly felt defeated again. I stopped walking and leaned on a nearby building- a small, and out of place, history museum Zell and I used to buy gifts in. I heaved and stared at the paved gravel below my feet, trying desperately to cling to breath.

The world was spinning so very fast. The sounds were muting around me and my vision was fuzzy.

Then his arms enveloped me in a sweet and tender heat, and the world was spinning rapidly in the other direction. I looked over my shoulder and saw Zell standing there, looking at me with utmost concern.

"Squall, we're okay." He insisted. "We're in Dollet, and we're fine. You're having an anxiety attack. Do you want some water? Do you want to sit down?"

I quickly nodded and pulled away from him, stepping over to an isolated bench. I sat down and quickly tucked my head between my knees. I felt more give on the bench and got a whiff of Zell's essence beside me.

He sighed softly and leaned forward. "Squall, this is the second time. What's wrong?"

I didn't know how to answer that. What the hell wasn't wrong with me? I was defective. If the alignments of the planets or whatever the hell destiny was supposed to be, were trying to send Zell the sign that I was beyond repair, it wasn't strong enough. Zell didn't pick of subtlty. He didn't hear words left unspoken.

"Zell, I'm going insane."

"No, you're not. You're stressed. Relax. You're safe. You're with me. I'll take care of you. You're not at college right now, you're home."

I sighed. He didn't understand.

There was no way he could understand. At college, I was- a mess. An insomniac drunkard with a self-destructive personality. At home I was… a tired all the time, good for nothing cry baby with a different kind of self-destruction mechanism.

I must appear like I wanted to die. The way everything I did seemed to lead right onto a dead-end street. Everything I did knocked me back until I was breathless. The restlessness just wouldn't cease. I was doomed to my own oblivion. This anguish just wasn't healing quickly enough. I needed to find some way to relax. I needed to calm the beast; put out the fire- anything.

I needed to get help. I needed a professional. I needed someone to know how to fix me. I needed-

No. Stop it. You don't need it, Squall.

"Squall? Are you listening to me?"

"No," I answered honestly. "I'm serious, Zell. I'm going insane."

He sighed again and leaned forward. "Talk about it."

"There's nothing I haven't told you, Zell."

"You're full of shit." He spat. "You're full of shit and you damn well know it." He suddenly calmed and looked away. He didn't mean to resort to anger. He was probably feeling just as stuck as I was.

"Everyone's staring at me…"

Zell faked a smile as he leaned back, extending his arms in either direction. "Well, you're handsome. Why shouldn't they?"

"Because it bothers me. I hate it when people stare at me. Hyne, Zell, it's been happening ever since I was a kid. These…lustful glances, if that's what they are. It's insulting. I'm so sick of it. I'm so tired of people looking at me like they expect something. I'm so fucking sick of people expecting nothing but perfection out of me. I'm not perfect, Zell. I'm so fucked in the head you wouldn't believe it. I can't even tell you in words how fucked I am."

Zell sat there with his mouth agape. He sat there for a long time and only managed a sigh.

The silence was so disappointing I was jaded into my own despair again.

"Well…" He stated in a breathy voice after a long silence. "I don't think you're perfect. You can't throw a punch to save your life, your handwriting is atrocious, and your long hair is fucking ridiculous."

I couldn't help but snicker. Leave it to Zell Dincht to make a joke out of my situation.

Once I felt better, I stood up and nodded for him to follow. He happily obliged.

We walked past the usual "Spice" which was a small pub on the near outskirts of town. It used to be Zell and I would go in there, accompanied by our mothers, of course, and get a snack, but now the laws in Dollet had changed making it impossible to even enter when you looked like us. Actually, with Zell's new facial marking, who knew what was possible?

Then yet another bar a little bit ahead. "The Shining Bomber" it was called. Honestly, if I didn't prefer drinking alone, I would love to head in here. Seemed lively, if anything. It was just the kind of place I was looking for.

The owner was actually in the newspapers a lot. Being a professional card player in such a small bar-based town would do that.

"Why are there so many bars, anyway?" I asked aloud not particularly caring for the answer.

"Well, the demographic of Dollet is mostly fisherman and construction workers. Well, currently the bars are going through a rough patch, but it's a blue collar town, man, that's what happens."

I sighed in agreement.

We continued up the street. I felt us each having a nostalgic moment as we passed "Nautilus", which was a pretty awesome gift shop. I made a mental note to go in as we headed back to the Lapine Beach.