8. In Pieces

His heart felt like it was being crushed as he called after her.

Watching the seething anger and betrayal in Cassandra's eyes as she ran from his apartment could have killed him ten times over, all thanks to Bianca.

Bianca.

He turned back to face his apartment door when he saw her, holding his jacket loosely around herself and smiling as if she'd just won a gold medal.

"Are you fucking crazy?! Why are you here, Bianca? Don't you have better things to do than fuck up my life more than you already have?!" he spat out, fists clenched and eyes like daggers.

She smirked, ignoring his venom. "Thanks for the compliment, honey. I'm glad you think so highly of me."

Varric growled angrily at her. "Don't you dare try and avoid this. You're the one who got me into this mess in the first place!" He began to pace in the hallway, fingers rhythmically clasping and unclasping at his sides. "Showing up here in nothing but your underthings, trying to worm your way back into my heart… it won't work! I told you two years ago that I was done with your bullshit and things haven't changed! I don't want you anymore! I've. Moved. On."

Bianca crossed her arms and sighed, framed by the doorway of Varric's apartment. "Alright, if you've really moved on," she sauntered up to him, "then why didn't you stop me from kissing you? I mean, you could have just pushed me off." Her hand moved up to try and stroke his cheek, but he batted it away.

"Because you caught me off guard, dammit! I don't know if you know this, but I wasn't exactly expecting you to show up unannounced in my home and to come on to me in my fucking kitchen—which reminds me, I'll have to find another hiding spot for my fucking spare key so this never happens again!"

"Who says I used the spare key?"

"Bianca..."

"Alright. Fine. I'm sorry. I just… missed you."

Varric glared at her suspicious confession. He knew that wasn't the only reason for her being here. And—Andraste's tits, he wanted to find out, but not now. Not when she was standing there, in next to nothing, looking at him like he was one of her cars. "I don't care, Bianca….not anymore at least. You can't just show up and expect things to be the way they were. You're married and I've- I've found someone else. Now, you better go, before someone misses you."

"But Varric..." Bianca pleaded, making to lay her hand on his arm.

He flinched, pulling it out of her reach. "Don't. Just don't."

Varric moved silently past her, closing and locking the door behind him. His back thumped against the door forlornly and he slid down until his ass hit the hard wood of the floor, elbows perched upon his knees and his hands cradling his head.

Maferath's balls, how could he possibly fix this?

~TtS~

Cassandra was curled up in bed with Cailan perched at her feet. Her tears had long since dried and left rough tracks on her face, giving way to puffy eyes from the strain of crying.

Why had she been so naive as to think Varric wouldn't hurt her? That they had something special enough that he wouldn't need to seek love and affection from someone else? But to find Bianca pressed against him like that just made the whole thing sting even more. Raw pain emanated from where her heart should be, surged, and threatened her with a new wave of tears.

Perhaps talking to someone would help.

Grabbing her mobile phone, she dialed Leliana's number with shaking hands, the sting of tears blurring her vision.

"Hello?"

"Leliana..." Cassandra's voice wavered.

"Cassandra, what's wrong?"

"I- I found him with..." big droplets began to splash upon her blanket as she tried to get the words out, "with Bianca… they- they were kissing."

Leliana gasped. "Oh Cassandra," her voice full to the brim with tenderness and concern. "I'm coming over. I'll be there in ten."

Cassandra sniffed and wiped the tears away with her sleeve. "See you soon."

All she could think of to do was roll over and curl up into a tight ball upon her bed, waiting for Leliana's telltale knock while the blankets became damp with all the tears that fell unabashed. Why had she let herself dare to hope that Varric was someone who possessed a virtuous heart? How could she have been so blind! Sobs racked at her now, half out of spite. She allowed herself to believe him. To believe that he was over Bianca, and that he actually cared. It was all a facade, wasn't it? He didn't really care for her.

A knocking sound rang out.

She sat up, grabbing at some tissues to blow her nose and to wipe away the tears from her swollen eyes. "I'm coming. Be right there," she managed.

Stepping out of the safety of her blankets, she made her way to the door and opened it.

Leliana immediately put her arms around her. "Oh, my dear friend, tell me everything." She released Cassandra from her embrace, and looked at her apologetically. "I've brought some wine to help ease the pain."

She sniffed and took a deep breath."Thank you. Come in," Cassandra said, closing the door behind Leliana as she entered.

Cassandra sat down haphazardly on the couch and grabbed a pillow to hug as her friend went to the kitchen to get some wine glasses.

Coming back into the dimly lit room, Leliana handed Cassandra a glass. "So…" she said, taking a sip of the maroon liquid, "tell me how it transpired."

Cassandra cleared her throat. "Well, I was on my way to his apartment with some groceries to cook dinner at his place."

They both sat in silence for a moment, Leliana sitting with bated breath. "Go on," she urged Cassandra lightly.

"I found them in the kitchen… they were kissing. Bianca was clearly not wearing much, with the exception of his coat."

"I see," Leliana nodded, taking another sip from her glass. "Did he appear to be… interested in the interaction?"

"In all honesty, I cannot really remember. I was so angry with betrayal that I ran from him as fast as I could, only after telling him that he wasn't allowed to even look in my direction again." Cassandra gazed pensively into her glass, swirling the wine around before taking a long pull.

Leliana grasped at Cassandra's free hand. "You may not like what I'm about to say, Cassandra, but please hear me out." She gave a squeeze to her hand. "I can't help but wonder if things aren't at all what they seem. Perhaps Bianca had come to stir something up? She hadn't been in his life for nearly two years—is it possible that she had found out that you two were actually dating?"

Cassandra let her mind absorb what Leliana said for a moment. "I'm not sure. There is always the chance she could have, I suppose. But that doesn't excuse Varric in any of this—it was his lips that were pressed against hers when I came in. If he really didn't have any feelings for her anymore, then why was he still in her embrace? Couldn't he have pushed her off and saved himself the trouble?"

"That may be true, Cassandra, but you will never find out unless you talk to him. For all we know, he could have been taken off guard. I know I'd be stunned if someone tried to seduce me who was from my past, especially if they just showed up unannounced."

Cassandra downed the rest of her wine and looked at her pointedly. "Leliana. I know what you're doing, and it won't work. I have made my decision. I can't allow him to hurt me again—once was enough."

Leliana let out a sigh. "Of course," she said, rubbing at her temples. "I just think that if things were different and it was you kissing Regalyan, Varric would give you the benefit of the doubt and talk to you about it before assuming that you were still in love with your ex."

She shot a pointed glare at her friend. "I am not acting like a child, Leliana, as much as you like to think so! I am in the right to be angry about this! They were kissing Leli! Kissing! I can't just sweep it under the bridge!"

"No one is asking you to! But doesn't Varric deserve to tell his side of the story?" Leliana scooted closer to Cassandra, putting her hands on her arms. "Look, I'm not saying you have to go out and find him right this minute—what he did was inexcusable, and you've every right to be upset. But when you've had some time to let your anger to fade to disdain, then I think you should go and see what he has to say."

Cassandra heaved out a heavy sigh. "I suppose you're right. Now," she affirmed, shoving her empty wine glass in Leliana's direction, "I think I'd like to imbibe some more of that wine you brought. Please."

Leliana chuckled. "But of course, my dear friend."

Two empty wine bottles later, Leliana put her arm around her inebriated friend and shuffled them both in the direction of her bed.

"You know, Leli," Cassandra slurred, "I'm glad I found this out now. I mean, Maker forbid if I had actually slept with him before this happened."

Leliana merely nodded and moved to Cassandra's dresser to get out some pajamas.

Cassandra continued. "Not that I hadn't thought about it—of course I did. What woman wouldn't? But I'm glad for my apprehension, nevertheless. It proved invaluable."

Her pajamas were held out to her, laid in Leliana's slender hands. She stripped and slowly dressed, the nightshirt and pants giving her some difficulty through the haze of alcohol. Once finished, Cassandra slid into bed as Leliana tucked her in and sat down upon the duvet, leaving a glass of water and some pills for the morning.

"Goodnight, Cassandra. May your dreams be peaceful."

"Goodnight Leli," Cassandra murmured, before catching her arm as she turned, "and thank you for coming over tonight. Also, send kind regards to Arabella for me."

"I will. Now sleep." Leliana smiled down at Cassandra as she snuggled under the covers. The last thing she heard was Leliana's gentle humming and the raindrops falling upon her bedroom window. Sleep was upon her at last.

~TtS~

Three weeks had crept by with not so much as a word from her. No returning his calls or texts and when he tried to go see her at her apartment, she remained silent behind the door. He thought—perhaps a bit naively—that if he kept pushing, she'd want to push back at some point. But she didn't, and it was now tearing him up inside.

All he wanted was a chance to explain what had happened. Was that too much to ask? He wanted to be able to tell her his side of the story. There was a high chance that she'd call it lies and storm off, but at least he would have been able to try and set things right. At least she would've had all the facts before making her judgement.

Like a flash of lightning, an idea came to him.

And what a wonderful, terrible idea it was too. His book—Swords and Shields. That's how he'd get Cassandra to listen to him! He'd already written his editor about a new chapter. How hard would it be to slip in a thinly veiled scene reflecting their own? And perhaps in the dedication, he'd write an apology to her.

She'd have to listen then! There was no way she'd be able to resist it. She loved that serial too much to avoid picking it up once the new installment was out. It was the perfect plan.

Images and words flashed in front of him so fast, he barely had time to grab some paper and jot them down as he sat at his kitchen table. Soon, he was scribbling on any scrap of paper he could find, writing out the details to his addition for the newest chapter. This had to work. It just had to.

~TtS~

She tried to hold her head high, show that she wasn't affected. Inside however, she was feeling more and more guilty that she hadn't allowed Varric to say his piece before she fled his apartment two months prior; it had been eating away, bit by bit, but she wouldn't let it sunder her. She would go on and live her life, even if it meant that her heart bore a hole where he used to be. A lesson in love, she would call it. Another lesson to add to her notebook of experiences.

Part of her new regimen meant keeping busy; it prevented her mind from thinking of the sliver of guilt that kept creeping up. The business card Dorian had given her flicked between her fingers, and his voice echoed in her thoughts. Here's my card. I've written my mobile number on the back, so you can give me a ring if you've a mind. And don't forget—the book exchange offer is still open.

It would be good to get out and spend some time talking about books.

Before she could stop herself, she dialed Dorian's number.

"Dorian Pavus here."

Suddenly Cassandra felt extremely awkward. "Hello… uh, Dorian. It's Cassandra. You pieced together a dress for me three months ago..."

Dorian's voice brightened. "Oh, hello Cassandra! I was hoping I'd hear from you!"

"Yes, well… I was wondering if you'd like to meet up over lunch? And that invitation extends to Bull…. if he's free, of course."

"Why, I thought you'd never ask! Unfortunately Bull is away on business, but I would love to come! How about at that little Orlesian café around the corner from where you work? You know, Le Masque du Lion. I've heard quite outstanding things about its selection of delicacies."

"That sounds wonderful. Say, about 11:30? And don't forget to bring a book to exchange. I am curious to see if you can pick out a book that actually works with my taste."

Dorian chuckled warmly. "Do you doubt me? I can assure you your taste in literature is as easy to tell as if it were painted in gold filigree on your brow."

"We shall see." Cassandra smiled. "I hope you deem my choice for you to be of a similar quality, and I haven't overshot my bounds."

"Well if you misjudge my own refined taste, I wouldn't blame you. It's not easy to find literature that's good enough to grace my eyes."

"Of course it isn't," Cassandra scoffed playfully, her voice turning softer as she continued. "I will do my best though. Until then, Dorian."

"Until then, Cassandra."

' ' ' '

"So, Cassandra, tell me everything." Dorian prompted, crossing his legs and folding his hands together expectantly as they sat around a table perched upon the elegant street-front patio of Le Masque du Lion.

"About what? I don't get your meaning."

"About the Awards Ceremony, of course!"

"Oh. That," Cassandra muttered apprehensively. "It was… good. Yes. I won an award."

His eyes narrowed. "You know that's not what I mean. How did the evening go, in regards to your heart?"

Cassandra blanched. Did she really think she'd be able to get away with an enjoyable afternoon without Varric being brought up? A sigh left her. "It went well. For a time. But now it is over, and I have moved on."

He looked at her skeptically. "Somehow I don't think that's the case." Dorian unlocked his legs and took her hand. "Whatever it is though, you'll come out stronger for it."

She thanked the Maker that he didn't try and pry further. Placing a hand on top of his own, she smiled. "Thank you."

"Now," he announced, slipping his hand from under hers and pushing a book in her direction, between the two empty plates, "this is for you. I hope you'll like it."

She took the book and held it up. "Adventures of the Black Fox. I have heard bits and pieces of the tale of Lord Remi Vascal, but have never properly read any of them. It should turn out to be an enjoyable read. Thank you, Dorian." She fished in her bag and handed a book of poetry to him. "I also have something for you."

He gave a surprised laugh. "Carmenum Di Amatus. How on earth did you find this? Isn't it banned?"

Cassandra smirked. "I have my ways," she said, cryptically, the corners of her lips quirking into a sly smile.

It would be good to get it off of her bookshelf. Varric had given it to her—a romantic gesture which initially had made her stomach fill up with butterflies, but now made her gut twist instead. Hopefully by the time Dorian was finished with the tome, her uneasy feeling would subside and a vague memory would be left in its place.

Just then, she heard her name being called over her shoulder, gruffly. Turning, her heart stopped.

Varric.

"What do you want, dwarf?" she hissed, sizing him up. He looked haggard, like he'd slept in his clothes and the usual stubble upon his face had grown into the start of a beard. If she didn't know any better, she would have said he was brokenhearted.

Seeing him like that, she thought it would make it easier on her heart to hate him, but it didn't. In fact, her heart felt as if it had only just began to beat again. The outright betrayal of her feelings made her grimace. Just because he showed up looking so downtrodden, didn't mean that she'd allow him to waltz back into her life as if nothing had happened.

"Sorry to interrupt your… date. I… um, here. This is for you." He handed over a book. "I was going to leave it at your work for you, but I saw you here…"

Dorian laughed. "A date? No, you have this all wrong. We're just friends. Dorian Pavus, owner and creator of PAVUS clothing." He held out a hand.

Varric's cheeks flashed red, realizing his misjudgment. "Ah. Friends… I'm Varric. Varric Tethras."

Surprise flitted over Dorian's face. "So you're Varric, radio host and author extraordinaire. Cassandra has told me about you."

"Likewise." Varric took his hand and shook, briefly.

Her eyes flicked over the cover, not caring about their pleasantries and wanting nothing more than to get to the point. "What is this?"

"I- it's my newest chapter of Swords and Shields. I thought since you were a fan of the series, you'd like to have a sneak peak, before it's released."

She could tell Varric had something up his sleeve. "And what makes you think I would actually read it, after what happened between us?"

Varric noticeably winced. "It's a peace offering, Seeker. I know we can't go back to the way things were, but I'd like to think I can try and repair some of the damage that was caused."

The guilt she felt reared it's ugly head. You owe him this much, Cassandra. Take the book.

"Fine. I do not know when I will be able to read it though. I've become very busy as of late."

Varric's shoulders sagged in relief. "That's all I ask for, Seeker. See you 'round." And with that, he left without another word, hands in pockets and head held higher than when he came.

Dorian looked astonished. "Now, after seeing that pitiful display, you really must tell me what happened Cassandra. A man doesn't look that wan because he feels like it—he's clearly heartbroken." He leaned in, eager.

She bit out a disgusted noise and her shoulders tensed. Why couldn't he have just left things alone? Even though she wanted nothing more than to ignore his request, she had a feeling Dorian wouldn't just sweep things under the carpet this time—not with how Varric had shown up, seemingly out of the blue. "Fine, I will tell you. I admitted my feelings to him the night of the awards ceremony and, to my surprise, he felt the same. We had a wonderful evening, and a wonderful three weeks of being together. Then, I go over to his apartment one night after a particularly trying day at work, to cook us both dinner—a low-key date, if you will—and I find his ex-fiancée in barely a stitch of clothing locking lips with him in his kitchen." She rubbed a hand over her brow. "Now do you see why I didn't even want to give him the time of day?"

Dorian nodded his head slowly, in understanding. "Ah, that would be a good reason, indeed." He leaned back in his chair, satisfied curiosity and all. He looked back at her, thoughtfully. "But I can't help but wonder if it really was his own doing. In other words, don't dismiss his ex-fiancèe's hand in this. She could have set this up to break you both up. I mean, he looked much too careworn to place all the blame on his shoulders, don't you think?"

Cassandra heaved a heavy sigh. "I am starting to wonder the same, now I've had some time to think upon it."

"Well, perhaps that's all the motivation you need to go and let him have his say." He looked at her, beseechingly. "Wouldn't you agree?"

Cassandra nodded, solemnly, biting her lip. "Yes, you're quite right. I will talk to him."

He sat back, notably reassured. "Well, that's a relief. If I watched you sulk any longer, I was going to have to take matters into my own hands. Now, let us enjoy the rest of the afternoon in style." His hand shot up and flagged a waiter down. "Your finest bottle of bubbly and two glasses please."

The waiter nodded. "Yes Ser, right away," he said, and moved back out of sight to retrieve it.

' ' ' '

Later that evening, and after she could no longer bear the suffocating force of guilt that lay between her shoulder blades, she decided to take a look at the book Varric had given her.

Her hand swept gently over the cover, spying yet another picture of the Knight-Captain upon it's front. This time though, she was mirrored by her Guardsman and they were fighting off what seemed to be a mountain of armoured men that had them surrounded.

She cracked the cover open, its crisp creaking making her twitch with anticipation. No matter how badly Varric had acted or how mad she still was at him, she still yearned to know what happened between the Knight-Captain and the Guardsman. Crisp paper rustled under her fingertips as she turned the title page and saw the dedication.

C-

My sun, my love, my light.

I choose you, now and always.

V-

Cassandra's heart felt as if it were doing a back flip behind her ribs and her eyes pricked with unshed tears. She scowled and shook her head, trying to cast off the overwhelming feeling of affection she found from his simple, yet deeply moving words. Just because he'd dedicated the book to her in such a way didn't mean he was off the hook. But it was a start.

She flipped a few more pages, and began to read the newest chapter. Soon she became enraptured as he spun his tale between her two favourite characters. Eyes eagerly savouring every word he came up with, she moved to lay on her front upon her bed, with her legs waving about carelessly about as she devoured page after page. Cailan had come in and had fallen asleep next to her side sometime during the evening, purring softly against her flank.

The pages flew by, hooking her in with its plot twists and turns until she was met with the climax and audibly gasped. He'd written the very scene they themselves had played out in his kitchen some two months ago, with one exception. Instead of her running out like she had done, he'd written the Knight-Captain had stayed and demanded to know why he had spurned her for another. The guardsman assured her that he was just as appalled as she was, and explained that he found his ex lover in their quarters lying in wait. When he tried to remove her from his sight and told her never to come calling again, she kissed him in one last fleeting attempt to gain back the love they had once shared, but it was too late for that. The guardsman had found a woman who wouldn't betray him as she had done, one that he loved fiercely and forever. Turning to his beloved Knight-Captain, he declared his undying love for her, falling to his knees and begging her to believe him with hands raised pleadingly.

Tears streamed from her eyes and splashed upon the pages freely, obscuring her ability to read. She sat up. Wiping the dampness away from her cheeks and lashes as she drew breath after shaky breath, she tried to control the flood of regret, love, and shame that threatened to drag her under. She found Cailan still asleep on the bed and picked him up, cuddling him as he looked at her with those omniscient green eyes and butted her head affectionately with his own.

"Oh Cailan, what have I done? I assumed it was he who had initiated it, when it was Bianca all along. I should have trusted him, but instead, I didn't even give him the chance to explain, I just ran. It's my fault why we are no longer together, because of my assumptions and my pride." She sniffled. "I must fix this. I need to make it right and hopefully, he will forgive me for my foolishness."

She buried her face in Cailan's pelt, and hugged him to her chest, as the tears fell silently upon his fur. He struggled and meowed at the dampness and Cassandra let him go, regretfully replacing him with a pillow as he jumped off the bed, annoyed at her misplaced coddling.

Feeling like most of her emotions were under control, she turned back to read over the few pages she had left. The Knight-Captain had accepted that he had next to no part in what happened and embraced him with everything she had, pulling him off of his knees and wrapping her arms around him, lovingly. They shared a passionate kiss—one that was much too short—before she turned her gaze upon the woman who tried to drive them apart. She marched up to the rogue, and her glare was as cold as ice. "Get out," she seethed, "and never come back, do you hear me? Never."

The rogue looked at her flippantly. "Suits me just fine—I got his best years anyway. Have fun dealing with what's left."

The Knight-Captain said nothing to her snide remarks, but watched in silence as she moved toward the door and out of their lives, forever.

Cassandra rejoiced; the elation she felt bubbled up and left her in a fit of giggles. She hugged herself happily and sighed, falling back upon the bed. The other woman had been dismissed, now freeing them up to apologize—in more ways than one, if Varric had anything to do with it.

Her eyebrows shot up beneath her fringe at the thought.

Scrambling back upon all fours, she hastily grabbed the book and found the page where she had left off. Had he written a love scene, with them both in mind? Her eyes flew over the remaining pages, framed by the occasional soft gasp or sigh and ending with her upper body flaring a rosy colour.

Passion and adoration spilled out with every word he placed upon those remaining pages, describing their entanglement with a fondness that she couldn't ignore—one that left an impossible ache in her heart and between her legs. She missed him, and wanted him more than ever. She just hoped she hadn't blown everything by being curt with him earlier that day, and he would accept her heartfelt apology when she got the chance.