Chapter 9
Bowser looked up from his laptop. "So, the closest pharmacy is in Edoras, which is a 7,253 minute walk from here."
Sauron groaned. "Let's just go. This pinkeye is killing me."
"Back into enemy territory?" Mothman asked. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Well, we've got a guy on the inside, right?" he looked at Denethor.
"I try not to associate with those horse fuckers," the Steward of Gondor said.
"Wow, harsh…" Bowser muttered.
"Don't knock it till you've tried it," said Lurtz. Everyone moved away from him.
"But I'm allergic to horses," Gothmog said.
"What is horses, precious? Can we eats it?" You can guess who said that.
"How the hell do you not know what horses are?" Sauron asked. "Have you been living under a rock for the past five hundred years or something?"
"We did, precious. And we forgot the taste of bread…the sound of trees…the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name."
"So your name's not Gollum?"
"Is your real name Professor Patrice?" Mothman asked.
"We don't know who that is, precious."
Butch shook his head. "This guy needs help."
"I have a psychiatrist you could see," Gothmog offered.
"Wait, did someone say something about horses?" Taz asked.
"What is horses, precious? Can we eats it?"
"Since we lost our horses in Osgiliath, we could get some new ones in Rohan. They probably have black horses."
"Only if I get to eat the other ones," Shelob said.
-Edoras-
"Shouldn't someone have…I dunno, sounded the alarm by now?"
"Yeah, this looks like Depression City," Sauron said. The Rohan flag fluttered down to the gate sadly. The gate itself was closed. "Someone wanna knock?"
Shelob climbed vertically over the wall and disappeared inside the city, followed by the screams of several townspeople.
"Hey, you wanna let us in? Eh, she's busy."
Bart raised his hand. "We could use the Witch-king of Angmar as a battering ram aga—"
"NO."
Denethor walked over to the smaller door set inside the gate, opened it, and walked inside. He was followed by the Nazgûl, Lurtz, Gothmog, Gollum, and Mothman.
"Oh. Okay. I see how it is," Sauron said. "I'm docking everyone's pay. I won't let this disrespect go unpunished." Silence. "God dammit."
Meanwhile, Shelob was perched on top of the stables, sniffing the terrified horses inside. "God, this is just like Easter. Can't wait to crack this bad boy open."
Gollum hopped onto the stables beside her. "What is Easter, precious?"
"My siblings and I used to go on egg hunts during the spring. The eggs were our other siblings, of course, and we fought to the death to consume the most nourishment."
"We loves eggs! Grandmother taught us to suck them."
"That's nice."
Up at the Golden Hall, Grima Wormtongue was surveying the chaos with growing panic. "Muster the Rohirrim! Where are they?"
"You kicked them all out with Eomer. Remember?" a random guard reminded him.
Grima facepalmed. "If only we had some other means of defense…"
Lurtz cackled evilly as he kicked open a door. "Any last words?"
"For Rohan!"
The orc gasped as a sword plunged through his stomach. He dropped to the ground, in incredible pain, and behind him stood Eowyn.
-Outside the Gate-
"Hello?" Sauron called. He sighed. "God dammit. I'm trying something else."
-Edoras-
Mothman paused in the middle of the fight. "Hold on, I'm getting a call from Sauron. What is it? You want me to go recruit the king? I know it worked the first time, but—okay, fine. Getting paid doesn't mean anything to me anyway. I know. Bye." He turned to the Nazgûl. "Can one of you direct me to the throne room, please?"
"HORSES!"
"Someone else?"
Gothmog was on the ground, wheezing. "I'm allergic to the horses. And the hay. And the ground."
Mothman sighed. "I guess I'll find my own way." He stepped out into the street and narrowly avoided being run over by a stray wagon.
Shelob shook her head. "That man needs help. I'm gonna go see if anything in that wagon is edible."
Gollum turned and noticed a pair of eyes watching him. They had a stare-down for approximately five hours. "DIE!"
Finally, with a crazy amount of luck, Mothman made it to the Golden Hall. The guards looked him up and down, confused.
"Eh…any weapons on your person?"
"My jaw has a bite strength of over 17,000 newtons. And I guess I have long fingernails."
The guards glanced at each other. "You know what?" one of them said. "I just realized my shift ended like five minutes ago. Silly me! So I'm just gonna…" He immediately broke into a sprint, disappearing around the corner.
The other guard shrugged, then booked it too.
"Wait, I still need you guys to open…and they're gone. Guess I'm going to have to do this the hard way."
-Inside the Golden Hall-
King Theoden, who looked like he'd died six days ago, lifted his head as the sound of splintering wood filled the hall. A hand reached in through a bite-shaped hole in the door and unlocked it from the inside. The hand then pushed open the door and Mothman stepped inside.
"Hello? Is anyone there?"
Grima knelt next to the throne. "My liege, you have a visitor. A servant of the Dark Lord. You must obey his every wish."
"Isn't…that…a…bad…thing?" Theoden asked.
"Okay, I'm coming over." Mothman began walking towards the throne. "Tell me when to stop so I don't walk into you."
They waited in silence as he shuffled across the room.
"Should I stop now?"
"No, you've not even halfway across," Grima said.
"Wow, this is a big hall you got."
"Yep."
More shuffling.
"Should I stop now?"
"Give it a few more steps. Okay, you're good now."
"Thanks." Mothman clasped his hands. "My master Sauron wishes to offer you a proposition. He's putting together a team to go retrieve his ring from the Shire, and he wants to know if you'd be interested in joining said team."
Grima raised his eyebrows. "Well, that was unexpected." He turned to Theoden. "What are your thoughts, my liege?"
Some drool fell from Theoden's mouth.
"What reason would he have for joining?" Grima asked.
"Well, Sauron gave some bullshit logic when we recruited Denethor that you could take the ring for yourself and use it to destroy Sauron, but that doesn't make any sense to me. I would say that you'd be able to make some useful connections, but so far we just have a giant egotistical eyeball, a useless dentist, some weird goblin thing with multiple personalities, nine partying wraiths, a very hungry spider, a terrible father, and two orcs, one of which has severe health problems."
"And a partridge in a pear tree."
"Don't make me come over there and slap you."
Grima held up his hands. "I didn't say anything!
Lindir's eyes retreated back into the rafters.
"What say you, King Theoden of Rohan?" Mothman asked. "Will you join our ignoble quest?"
"Eh…" Theoden said.
"What that a yes or no?"
"Hold on," Grima said. "Sometimes it can take up to five minutes for him to say something."
They waited for five minutes in silence.
"No, I think he just fell asleep."
Mothman sighed. "I think this one's a bust. Time to go."
"Wait!" Grima held out a hand to stop him, though obviously he couldn't see it. "If you're looking for more villains to join your group, and you have room for a trusty double-agent—"
"Pretty sure that's an oxymoron, but go on. Who did you have in mind?"
"Myself," Grima said. "I'm evil."
Mothman sucked in air through his teeth, which made a sound equivalent to putting a tomato in a blender. "Yeah…thanks, but no thanks. We only accept monsters and the undead. And Denethor, I guess."
"Wait, then why did you ask—"
The door burst open as Eowyn ran inside. "Get away from my uncle!"
Mothman swiveled around. "Who said that?"
"Just run," Grima said, then booked it.
"Okay." He began to run, heading straight into a wall and knocking himself out.
I just finished finals and I am very unemployed at the moment so expect more frequent updates! As always, thanks to BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, Galadrielcats, and TheDarkLordofDoom for the reviews! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!
