A/N: Hello! Sorry, this took a little longer. Writing has been a little slow the past week for me. I try really hard to give you all long chapters to read, but keep in mind those also take a longer time to write. Most of the time a chapter takes me a couple days to a week to write, and that's when I have the inspiration to write. So when I don't have inspiration, it takes a while. But all the great reviews and encouragement you guys give helps so much! So thank you for all the continued support for this story. I really appreciate all of you who take the time to share your kind words.

I'm working really hard to finish up the next chapter of 'Headlong Towards Disaster'. Be patient with me, I promise to have it up as soon as I can!

Hope you all enjoy this one, I really do. It's the longest chapter yet. One flashback in this one, and you get to see some of Gabby's past while she was in New York during those 6 years. Shout out once again to my Grey's fans that catch the dialogue!

THIS SONG. Lord, Jennifer Nettles is a rock star. Her voice. Her lyrics. Everything about it is so beautiful. I didn't have a song in mind for this chapter like I usually do before writing, but once I heard this one again it fit in perfectly. I'm in love with it and all that it brings to this chapter. Check it out!

I own nothing related to CF, the story line idea, well that was all me, ha.

Chapter 9: Keep You
Sugarland

We said goodbye. Tried a hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So in a way, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bittersweet victory.
Loving the ghost in front of me.

When she walks into 51 she has to take a deep breath to calm herself. She knows what today is. She knows he was released back to work. She knows all this because the guys hadn't stopped talking about it and because they were all already lined up waiting for their Lieutenant to show up when she'd arrived that day.

She hadn't seen him since that day in the hospital. Two weeks ago. She hadn't seen him or felt him, and the only reason she'd heard his voice is because of the voicemail he'd left her. Two of them actually. Pleading with her to call him back. She didn't, and she never answered any of his texts either. She couldn't. She saw what she saw and she knew what she knew. He'd chosen Hallie and she had to live with that. She wouldn't be that girl anymore. He'd promised her he'd leave Hallie. That they would be together, and that hadn't happened. She didn't want to hear another excuse or explanation, she'd heard enough over the years.

So she'd ignored his calls and his messages and she hadn't gone to see him again. She knew he was released to go home only a few days after he'd woken up, and she knew he'd been home recovering. She'd heard as much from the guys and Shay. But she wouldn't jump in on the conversation. He was home and recovering. With his wife.

His wife that he had once again chosen over her. She wouldn't give in to him again. She couldn't. She had to be strong.

But when Matt walks through the door and all the guys are welcoming him back with hugs and pats on the back and it finally reaches her turn he gives her a pleading look and she hugs him quickly, barely letting their bodies touch before she is pulling away and whispering a 'welcome back' before turning away from him. She may not want to be around him, but she still had to keep up appearances for the rest of the house.

She's ignoring him, and he doesn't like it one bit.

Sure he may deserve it, but she was also not giving him a chance to explain what she'd seen or what he knows she has been assuming for the past two weeks. She is jumping to conclusions and building her brick wall back up and he hates every second of it. He wants to explain to her that Hallie had told him she was glad he was okay. That she'd hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, but told him she needed some time and that she would be leaving to work in a clinic for a few days. A few days turned into two weeks and she still wasn't home. He hadn't had a chance to speak with her, and he was a little upset that she would just run away from their situation instead of staying to talk. It was something he was used to, the running away, but it still frustrated him. He wanted to tell Hallie the truth and she was making it really damn hard to do so.

He wants to tell Gabby that what she walked in on was Hallie being relieved that he was okay, and that was it. But Gabby had walked away, and Hallie had left soon after to pack for her trip and he had been left alone with his thoughts. Severide had stepped up as caretaker, not that he needed very much. After being knocked out for those nearly two weeks his scarring had begun to heal, and he had surprisingly woken up with his memory. The doctors had released him, although somewhat reluctantly and told him to be careful. His head was still compromised and another hit to it could do some lethal damage.

Right now it wasn't his head he was worried about that was in physical pain, it was his heart and he was trying to sort it all out, but the girl who held it would barely look at him. He feels like he's back in time over a year ago when she first showed up at 51 and first put all those defenses up. Now so much has happened in that year, in the past few months more so, and he doesn't know how he is going to tear those walls back down.

But he's not going to stop trying until she lets him back in.

He bumps into her in the locker room and he sighs when she looks away from him and won't meet his eyes. "Gabby, please… can we talk about everything?" He pleads.

She shakes her head. "There's nothing to talk about Matt." She whispers and he sighs.

"So that's it? You're just walking away again? You're done." He says, his words ripping through her.

She takes a shaky breath, mustering up all the strength she can as she meets his eyes. "I… I can't do this anymore… I'm done." She whispers.

He goes to say more, to fight back, but the bell is ringing and they are both taking off to their separate rigs.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

"You wanna tell me why you are still giving Matt the ice queen act?" She teases as they drive to the call, following behind Squad 3 and Truck 81.

Gabby sends her a glare from her spot in the passenger seat and Shay rolls her eyes. "He's back with Hallie, he isn't leaving her and I'm done being that girl. I need to move on." She says unconvincingly and Shay scuffs.

"Oh please. First off he isn't back with Hallie, and second off from the story I've been told the two of you trying to move on is the joke of the century."

Gabby looks at her confused, "Shay I saw them, he… They're together." She whispers, her voice full of hurt.

"You saw them two weeks ago, Gabs, when he was waking up from a comma. They've been together how many years? Even if they hate each other, or he was leaving her, there is still going to be some relief from her that he's alive... And, anyways, from what Severide has said Hallie is never home. You need to talk to Casey." She tells her, giving her a pointed look.

The brunette gives her a look, what did she mean Hallie hadn't been home. "Shay…" She trails confused and warning. She didn't want to get into this right now.

Shay pulls up to the scene and before either hops out she gives her friend another look. "Both of you just need to quit with the dramatics and make a choice, talk to each other. Haven't you learned by now that life is short?" She says softly, looking as Casey hops out of the truck and throws his helmet on.

Gabby takes a deep breath thinking about how short life really was as she thought about the call a month ago that almost took his life.

She nods to Shay and they are both hoping out of the rig and jumping into action.

Gabby and Shay wait outside as a few of the men enter the bank. It's silent for a while as they wait to hear what is happening inside. Shay and Gabby share a look with the Chief as they all wait it out, Chief calls into the radio, asking for a report.

"Uh, Chief, do not attempt entry… There is a fire, but we have a hostage situation in here…" Casey's cautious voice sounds through the radio and Dawson feels her heart stop.

It's another minute later that two men come running out, followed by many more victims and then Severide and Capp. Matt was still inside. She takes another shaky breath and Shay gives her a concerned look as she sees the worry in her eyes. "He'll be okay. Come on, we got victims, Dawson." She says carefully, pulling her over to the ambo where the victims were lining up to get oxygen.

Dawson follows her and jumps into work mode, but her eyes keep lingering on the door to the bank and waiting impatiently to see him come out. She can't go through this again. Not like this. Not again.

It's another two minutes later that a gunshot rings out and she feels her blood run cold. No…

Her eyes dart to Shay's and then back to the Chiefs, waiting for an update. Why weren't they running in to see what happened? She feels her throat tighten and she can barely keep her breathing under control as she tries to help the people in front of her, but at the moment she can barely help herself.

Then the doors are opening and Mouch is exiting with a woman, a moment later Casey steps out pulling a bloodied man behind him.

He's coughing like crazy, but otherwise looks alright and she tries to get her breathing under control again. His eyes meet hers and she takes a deep breath and he smiles at her softly, reassuringly.

She send him a gentle smile back.

Maybe talking to him wouldn't be such a bad thing after all, life is too short, she thinks as she tries to get her heartrate under control.

I wrote a couple of notes.
One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.
It's a bitter sweet victory.
Knowing someone else wanted me.

She'd been in New York for nearly 4 years now and she still hadn't gotten rid of her demons that had sent her here.

They'd dulled to an ache, but never fully left her, and she was beginning to think that was just how it would always be. When you leave the love of your life and you lose a child all within a matter of a few months the pain is unbearable. 4 years later the pain was still there eating away at her. The man she loved was halfway across the country, well the last she knew he was. And her child that she never met was in heaven and there was nothing she could do about that.

For the longest time she thought it was all just a cruel case of karma. When you cheat with a man that you know is taken and get pregnant with his child and are happy about it, life has a way of coming back on you and taking that happiness away. Karma. She feels like that is what her life had become. She did a terrible thing because she loved a guy more than she ever thought possible and now she is paying for it.

So maybe that's a little dramatic, but it feels that way some days. She lost him. She lost her child. She lost herself along the way.

She'd been trying to rebuild for the past 4 years and an accidental run in with him 2 years ago set her back quite a bit, but it's been 2 years since that and she is trying to move on. She still thinks about him daily, hourly really. And she still thinks about all she lost with him, but she is trying to work through all that. She's the one who left him in the hotel room after all. He walked away many times before she did, but she still did it. She left him and she officially ended it, and she's been regretting that decision ever since she heard the click of the lock on the hotel door behind her.

It's all so tragic and sad and heartbreaking and she wishes she didn't think about it all so often, but she does, and she can't stop.

She has a good life in New York. It's not the same as Chicago and she misses it there often, but it's still nice. She finished her last year of schooling and became a paramedic. She'd always wanted to be a doctor, but after learning of Matt's girlfriend/fiancé/wife, whatever she was now, she halted that dream. She took some premed classes, but that was as far as she got. She didn't think she could go through with it without thinking about that woman that she unknowingly betrayed, or the man that still had her heart.

So she became a paramedic. She vaguely realizes that Matt is a firefighter, and that is still a link to him, but it's much more calming to have a link to him more so than to his fiancé/wife (whatever she is) career wise.

She feels arms wrap around her waist and a kiss being pressed to her neck and she relaxes back into the arms. That's the other thing that's been going on in her life. She met someone.

He's nice and charming. He's got dark black hair and green eyes and a great body. He treats her right and he makes her feel good. They met 2 years ago in the airport when she returned from Chicago. She was a mess from flying and crying and just stressed in general after her whirlwind trip to the windy city. She'd bumped into him at the baggage claim and she'd been less than pleasant and he had just smiled sweetly at her anyways. She tried ignoring him, but they'd ended up sharing a cab after she'd spent more time than she cared to admit trying to hail one and he did it in a matter of seconds. She'd rolled her eyes at him, but really all she'd wanted to do was get home and lay in her bed and forget about her trip. So she took the ride and he dropped her off at her place and she told him thanks. That was it.

Until she bumped into him again a few months later at a book/coffee shop a few blocks from her apartment. He'd spotted her out right away and had insisted on buying her a coffee. It was all so familiar and when she'd flat out asked him if he had a girlfriend right in the middle of the coffee shop he had stared at her stunned, but had laughed afterwards and told her he didn't.

They'd been friends for a few short months after that until they had started dating, which they'd been doing for 9 months now.

She never told him about Matt, or the baby she lost. It was all too personal and she wasn't ready to talk about it. She'd told him she had a bad romance back in college and she'd came to New York to get away from it, among other things, and she was pleased when he never pushed her.

Things were good between them. She stayed over at his place often and he at hers. Things were good. But they weren't great. They weren't half as passionate as the love she found in the blonde man… and no it was not lost on her that her new boyfriend, Jason, looked nothing like the boy who still held her heart back in Chicago. They were polar opposites, and she liked it that way. The last thing she needed to wake up to in the morning and see a blonde head of hair and blue eyes staring back at her. She had that once. In a wild night of too many drinks and a one night stand that she regretted. It wasn't long after she'd returned home from Chicago and it was before her coffee run in with Jason. She'd gone out hoping to numb the pain of the last few years and she'd had too many and when a guy with blonde hair and blue eyes had started hitting on her, Connor, she thinks, she hadn't pushed him away. In fact she'd called him Matt half the night, and the guy had only corrected her a few times, too drunk to care.

They'd wound up in her bed that night and when she woke up in the morning to blonde hair and blue eyes her heart had stopped and broke just a little bit more. She'd kicked him out and spent the rest of the day hulled up in her bedroom, after washing the sheets and the memories away, crying over the blonde man she'd wished she would have woken up too.

After that any man she even let herself show interest in had been either brunette or black haired. Their eyes were never blue and they never had those dimples that haunted her dreams. They were the opposite of Matt Casey and that was how she liked it.

That was how she wanted it to stay.

Jason kisses her cheek once again and then pulls his arms from around her and walks to the closet. "I'm gonna go check on supper." She says, moving to the door.

He nod and pulls a shirt out of the closet. "I'm going to change, be there in a minute." He sends her a smile and wink and she feels her heart flutter slightly. Not near as much as a blonde man use to make it do, but she tries shaking that thought off.

She takes the food out of the oven and pours them both some wine and sets the table. She decides to light a candle and when all of that takes 15 minutes and Jason still hasn't made his way out of the bedroom she goes in search of him. "Babe?" She questions, stepping into the room and spotting him sitting on her side of the bed, his back to her.

She walks into the room when he doesn't acknowledge her and when she rounds her side of the bed her heart stops at what's in his hands.

His eyes slowly meet hers and she feels tears stinging and her throat tightening. "Jason…" She trails off, not even sure what to say.

He holds up the letters that are in his hands and then a sonogram picture. All things that he has taken from the box that is now sitting on the floor by his feet. A box that has been hidden in the deepest corners of her closet.

"What is all this, Gabby?" He questions confused, staring at the name on the letter. A name he's heard her say in her sleep before, but never once questioned. He wasn't sure he ever wanted to hear the answer. Looking at the box and all its contents he is starting to think maybe he should have questioned it.

"It's… It's nothing…" She whispers, trying to hold her tears at bay at seeing the picture of her and Matt laying at the top of the box and the only sonogram picture she ever got of her baby in Jason's hand. There is only one other sonogram picture out there in the world, and she wonders if he still has it.

Jason looks at her accusingly, holding up the letters with Matt's name on the front and then the sonogram picture. "This, is not nothing."

"Jason…" She tries again, she never wanted to have to tell him any of this. It was all still so hard. Losing the baby was hard, talking about Matt was hard. Still loving Matt so much, was hard.

"You had a kid?" He questions confused and she feels like the breath was knocked out of her as she shakes her head in the negative. Her tears spilling over.

"I had a… I lost it…" She whispers, not meeting his eyes.

He stares her down a moment longer before looking back at the letter in his hand and then to the date of the sonogram. It was taken about 4 years ago. "With Matt." He confirms and she nods softly, another tear trailing down her cheek. "He was the relationship that you ran from… that brought you too New York." He confirms once again.

She nods mutely, finally meeting his eyes.

"I think I should go." He says, standing from the bed.

Her body runs cold in panic. "Jason, please…"

"You talk in your sleep, you know?" He tells her, meeting her eyes. She looks at him confused. "When we first got together, I thought it was cute… and then you started talking about Matt." He trails off looking at the letter in his hand that had her hand writing on it. She feels like the winds been knocked out of her… Yes, she knew she talked in her sleep sometimes. A blonde man was the one he told her about it years ago. "The first time it happened I tried to push it from my mind. I didn't want to question it. Then it happened a few more times… and I still, I tried not to let it bother me. But it all makes sense now… You're not over him." He says. His voice full of hurt, disappointment, maybe a little anger.

She shakes her head, trying to push those words away. She had to be over Matt. She was. "Jason, I…"

He's cutting her off and his next words rip through her, because they are her words. Words written on the letter he held. A letter she wrote a few months ago and never sent. "…I love you, Matt, and I always will. But a big part of me wants to hate you for everything you've put me through. I want to hate you for what we did to Hallie. I want to blame it all on you. I want to hate you because you never fought for me. I want to hate you for letting me leave. I want to hate you for promising forever and taking it back…"

"Jason…" She breathes out in a plea, begging him to stop.

"…but mostly I really want to hate you because you make it impossible to do just that. I hate you because I can't hate you. Because I love you too much to hate you. Because loving you is the only thing I'm certain of, and I'm positive it will always be the only certainty in my life. I hate that I love you. I hate that I left you. I hate that we lost our child and it ruined us. Ruined me. I hate how everything turned into a mess. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to have forever. And I hate that we'll never get that. I hate that I'll always love you. That you'll always have the other half of my heart no matter how much I try to take it back. I hate that I'm gonna love you forever. And I really hate that you'll never get to know that…"

Jason stops and he looks up at her, staring her down as the tears cascade down her trembling chin. She wrote that letter, trying to get her feelings out. It had made her feel better at the time, but hearing those words being read back to her were breaking her heart all over again. Making her hate and miss, and love Matt even more.

He walks over to her and places the letters and the sonogram picture in her shaky hands before kissing her temple. "I love you, Gabby. But I can't be with someone who is still holding on to someone else. It's not fair to me… and it's not fair to you either. I'm sorry…" He tells her softly. Grabbing his coat off the end of the bed.

She turns to him as he walks to her door. "Jason…" She says softly. An apology, and I love you, all on the tip of her tongue. She doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know how to fix this, maybe it's too far beyond repair. Maybe it was racing headlong towards disaster all along. Maybe she'd never get to have that happiness again like she'd found in Matt. Maybe this was just how it was supposed to be. She knows it's not fair to beg him to stay. She'll never be able to love him more than she loves Matt, and it's not fair to him.

He gives her a soft, reassuring smile, knowing what she wants to say, but can't say. He thinks maybe she was the one for him, but it's clear that he wasn't her one. He knew she had a rocky past before they started this. He'd practically had to beg her to actually take a chance on him. He can't blame her for trying to move on from the guy that clearly hurt her. It's just far too obvious that she can't move on, and he can't stick around and continue to fall even harder for her when she loves someone else.

"I know…" He whispers. "I know." He's out the door a moment later and the click of the door doesn't sound as heart breaking as it did two years ago when she was the one walking away from a different man.

She's alone again and the tears she sheds has more to do with the letters and pictures, and the box of things that is laying at her feet. She cries for Jason, because she really did start to love him, but she mostly cries for him because once again her and Matt's love has claimed another innocent victim. They've hurt someone else.

She spends the night looking through that box of things that she'd kept over the years. A couple pictures. A few letters that Matt wrote her while they were together. A coaster from a bar they frequented. A receipt from their favorite coffee shop. A paper from her report that was covered in coffee from their first meeting. Letters that she wrote and never sent him. A dried flower that he had given her, a lily, her favorite. The door key to that hotel that they said their final goodbye in. And their sonogram picture of the baby that never was.

She let herself get immersed in their love story one last time, and then she packed it all back into that box and tucked it away one last time. She promised herself that she wouldn't look at it again.

But before doing any of that, she wrote Matt one last letter, and tucked it into that box too. Her final goodbye.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
'Till you can't feel anything.

She walks down the hall to the bunk room and she can't stop herself when she stops a few feet from his office. Spotting him inside sitting at his desk with his head in his hands. She's been worried about him since that call. When she heard it was a hostage situation and then that gunshot ring out she felt like her world was falling down around her all over again. Like she might lose him again. She wonders if that's how Matt had felt a year ago when she was stuck in a hostage situation alone with a crazed man, the call that brought them back together.

She tried telling herself she was letting him go and she was over him, but she knew that was all a lie. Shay's words kept echoing in her head about how Severide had said Hallie wasn't around. She was confused and intrigued by that. Maybe they weren't together.

You two need to quit with the dramatics and make a choice… Shay's words floated through her head. She choose Matt a long time ago, but he needed to make an official choice. He'd gone back and forth in his choice so many times through the years. Something would happen and it would change things and he'd be changing his mind. She wouldn't let that happen again. He needed to choose, and she needed to hear that official choice. All the 'what ifs' were driving her crazy. She needed to hear the words out of his mouth. If he chose Hallie, then she needed to hear him say it. She needed the slap in the face of those words falling from his mouth for her to move on. She knew it would be rough. But if she ever wanted to get past him, she needed it. She needed the ugly truth.

She steps into his office without knocking and she closes the door softly. His eyes meet hers and she smiles softly. "Hi." She whispers.

"Hey." He says back just as softly. Taking her in, he can see how nervous she is, how hesitant of him she is. He gets up from his seat and draws the blinds. He doesn't know what she is doing in here, she's ignored him all day, but he has a feeling no matter what happens, it's not something for prying eyes to see.

He stands across from her, not sure how much distance she needs right now as she leans against the door gnawing at her bottom lip looking unsure of herself. "I lied…" She whispers, meeting his eyes briefly before looking back at her hands. "I lied earlier… I'm not done… I'm not walking away… I can't. I can't leave you. Not again. But you… you're always leaving me. Always choosing her over me… And I can't do it anymore." She breathes out, her voice becoming tight.

He stares at her now, really stares at her. Taking in her teary eyes and the exhausted look on her face. For the first time really taking in all the pain and hurt he has caused her. That they'd caused each other. "Gabs…" He tries to intervene, but she is cutting him off.

"Shut up…" She stops him, putting her hands up. "Just please, let me do this." She pleads and he leans back into the wall, not being able to protest. "You told me before that I walk away. I walk away from you when things get rough. Well here I am, not walking away. Because I'm in. I'm in this Matt. I'm so in that it's embarrassing, honestly. But I'm only in this if you're in it with me. And just me. I won't be that girl anymore. I can't. It's not fair to me… So you have a final choice. And after you chose I'm done. It's her or me." She breathes out, somehow finding the strength to meet his blue eyes. Her legs feel like jelly and she isn't really sure how she is still standing and remaining calm, but she is forging through. She's giving him the ultimatum that she should have done a long time ago.

He goes to open his mouth again, but she cuts him off again, taking a step closer to him, but still keeping her distance. "You told me I walk away, that I run scared. But I'm done running scared and I'm done hiding from what I feel for you, what I've always felt. So you have a choice… and here it is. Your choice… it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great… But, Matt…" She trails off, the tears threatening to fall and her voice tightening, he can feel his eyes watering as he watches her. The inner battle going on in her and the strength she is trying to force to get through this. "…I love you. I've always loved you… In a really, really big, pretend to like your taste in music. Let you eat the last slice of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window. Unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you… So pick me… choose me… love me…"

She takes a step forward and her lips meet his softly. Needing to believe that won't be the last kiss they share, but knowing if it is, at least she was able to cherish it. She pulls away and blue meets brown and when he goes to open his mouth she shakes her head. Begging him not too. She sees the battle going on in his head. She can read him like an open book.

"You have a choice…" She whispers, stepping away from him and finally letting her tears fall. "Come find me when you decide."

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edge of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

When he steps through his door after shift all he wants is a cold beer, a hot shower, and sleep. When he sees Hallie's bag by the door he knows none of those things are going to happen. She'd been gone for two weeks, since before he was even let out of the hospital, and he hasn't talked to her since she showed up at his bedside after he woke up. He had no idea she's be home today.

He walks down the hall and is surprised to find her at the dining room table. "Hi…" She says almost cautiously. "How was shift?"

He shrugs as he sets his back down and takes a seat across from her. "The usual."

She nods and looks to her hands that are rung together. It's silent for a few moments and he is just about to open his mouth and start to confess when she beats him too it. "I've been thinking…" She starts and he stares down at her. "…about what you said, before your accident. I know we haven't been the best the past few months… years really, and I spent a lot of time thinking about everything… and maybe we could… we could work it out." She says meeting his eyes as they widen in shock, not expecting this from her at all.

"Hallie…" He tries, and she cuts him off. He's realizing that it is kind of pattern with the women in his life today. Not letting him get a word in.

"You said you've been with someone… and I, I really don't want any details Matt. I just, I want us to move past it." He's staring at her dumbfounded now. Surely, she isn't being serious. Him seeing someone else honestly had nothing to do with the collapsing of their marriage. Sure he spent time with Gabby. But they started falling apart years ago, before Gabby came back into the picture. It just slowly started to build until it hit its ugly head. They weren't the couple they use to be, and he knew there was no way they could get back to it.

He goes to interject again, but she cuts him off and her next words send him for a loop. "I know we can get past this, and I know I can't be mad at you for this… Because, I was seeing some too… a few years back…" She confesses, not meeting his eyes and he feels like the wind has been knocked out of him.

"Wait… you…? When?" He asks completely shocked, so many emotions running through him. Shock. Anger. Hurt. Indifference. He's not sure what to feel, but her next words are like a punch to the gut.

She takes a shaky breath. "It only lasted a couple months and he meant nothing… It was a year after my parents accident and I, I was just lost Matt… and I…"

"When, Hallie?" He questions again.

"Once right after my parents accident… it was a onetime thing… and then right after college… while you were in the fire academy, that's when it lasted a few months." She confesses.

He's out of his seat after a moment, running his hands through his hair and pacing back and forth. Anger coursing through him as he calculates it all. Hallie was cheating on him. She was with someone else while he was with Gabby. She was with someone else while he and Gabby were losing their baby… He stayed with Hallie while she was with someone else, while Gabby was so lost after that loss. He… He feels like he could throw up at the realization. He knows he has no right to be mad at Hallie, but he can't help himself. The timing is so screwed up. He was going to leave Hallie. Then they lost their baby and things got messy and he didn't leave her. Gabby pushed him away. He choose Hallie and Gabby left. He picked Hallie over Gabby when she needed him most and all along Hallie was cheating on him during that time. He has no right to be mad. He knows it. Hallie's affair only lasted a few months, Gabby's was on going for years, but he feels so much resentment for the woman in front of him that he feels like he could explode as he paces back and forth in their dining room. He stayed with Hallie, trying to protect her all these years and she cheated on him. Maybe she wasn't the innocent bystander that he always pegged her up to be, maybe all along Gabby was the innocent bystander and he just never knew it. Gabby's words are ringing in his head from earlier today. He had a choice. He wishes he would've made it years ago.

He feels sick to his stomach right now. All the hurt he's caused Gabby is making him feel physically ill. She lost their baby and Hallie was cheating on him and he chose Hallie. He can't even look at her. He can't look at her because when he does all he pictures is her with another man while he holds Gabby on her kitchen floor as she sobs over the loss of their child. All he can see is Gabby's heartbroken face from all those years ago and all he can see is Hallie in the throws with another guy and the thing that is hurting him more is Gabby. He can't even bring himself to be hurt by Hallie's cheating, he's too angry. Angry at Hallie. Angry at himself. Angry at timing, and karma, and fate, and the universe. He's just angry.

He needs to get out of here before he says something he regrets.

"I need to go…" He mumbles, grabbing his coat he'd just taken off.

"Matt!" She hollers after him. "You can't just walk out!" She hollers following him to the door.

"I can't even look at you right now. I just, I need some air." He says, his intense stare glaring at her as he reaches the door.

"You're no better than I am! You can't be mad at me when you've done the same!"

He whirls around and his next words are harsh, an accusing finger pointed her way. "The difference between you and me is that I love the person I was with and yours was just some cheap thing." He barks. His anger off the charts as the door slams closed behind him.

Hallie doesn't miss that he said 'love' not 'loved'…

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

He spends 3 hours driving around, trying to sort through the mess that is his life. He debates going to see Gabby, but he can't. He can't see her right now when things are such a mess and he hasn't officially told Hallie it's over. But oh, is it over. He made a choice and that choice is Gabby. He hates that so much time has passed and he's hurt her so much over the years, but right now he can't go to her and make her his. He needs to officially end it with Hallie, but he is just so angry. He's starting to calm down, and he has finally decided to head home, but he can still feel the anger in him and he knows this is going to be a hard conversation.

He spent the last nearly 9 years now trying to protect Hallie. He ended it with Gabby multiple times because he didn't know how to end it with Hallie. He stuck with Hallie because it seemed like the right thing to do. He chose Hallie so many times. He has no right to judge her for cheating. And he isn't mad for himself. He isn't mad that she cheated on him. He's mad for Gabby. He's mad at himself for trying to be a better person and stick with Hallie when he should've just followed his heart and been with Gabby.

He hates how much of a mess all this is. He hates that as much as he resents Hallie, he still feels bad as well. He hates that he still has compassion for her. He hates that he tried protecting her. He hates that Gabby is the one who suffered more from all this than Hallie ever did and he hates that it took so many years for all this to come to light. He hates everything about this situation and he hates that really, he is the only one to blame.

He steps through the door and the apartment is eerily quiet. He calls out Hallie's name and doesn't get a response, but he finds her in the same spot at the dining room table. Only this time he feels his heart stop. She's got a box sitting in front of her and a note in her hands. He isn't sure what all she's seen of the box. If she's gone through its contents fully, read the letters, seen the pictures. He isn't sure. There is an unreadable expression on her face as she looks at the note in her hands. It's one he recognizes well.

It only has a few words on it, but over the years he's read it countless times. He's surprised it's lasted through the years. The small piece of paper thinner than before and crumbled in many places.

Her eyes finally meet his and he takes a deep breath. The truth was finally going to come out tonight. That was for sure. There was no hiding it when years of betrayal was laid out in front of her.

"I think we need to talk…" She says softly, accusingly, hurt in her voice and she lays the note down on the table in the middle of them. Gabby's handwriting glaring up at him. The last little note he ever got from her. The note from the hotel room. Signed with 'Love always, G."

He wonders if Hallie has looked through the rest of the box, and if she hasn't, he wonders if she has figured out who 'G' is. Somehow he knows she has.

He sucks in a breath and swallows deeply, but all that he can manage is a nod in agreement.

This talk was long overdue.

What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

Long overdue, indeed.

Next one will pick up where this left off and we will finally see Matt, (and now Hallie) coming clean to each other.

Let me know what you thought!

Review please! : )

xXx