Hey, there! Topher Girl 0102's work is used in this chapter a lot, so I don't take credit for that. I will put a little note saying at what point her work isn't used anymore in the chapter. I know that you like this chapter! This first part is all her work
Jackie was in a good mood in the gas station, but almost as soon as she left, she found herself getting more and more emotional as they got closer to Nevada, and she was flodded with memories of what happened years ago. Everyone in the car seemed to notice when they crossed states Jackie became more and more silent. Up to the point where she would stare out the window, as if she were thinking about something.
They were almost mid way now between Wisconsin and their destination. Jackie leaned her head back against the seat of the car and closed her eyes. Red was behind the wheel and Michael was in the back, and Brooke was seated next to him. Kelso was recalling his memory with funny cop stories that none of them were really listening to. Brooke, sitting next to her, spoke up almost every hour, wondering the same thing again and again - if Betsy was okay back home under Kitty's care. She kept hoping Betsy wouldn't give Kitty too hard a time. Thinking of Betsy brought back those memories that she thought she had managed to put aside forever. Seeing Eric last week and all this worry about his safety in the days after, hadn't helped either. Their child would have been 2 years old this year...
She kept her eyes firmly closed as she felt hot tears gather behind her eyelids. None of her friends needed to know how many nights she still cried into her pillow. For a very short period of time in early '82, she had known a joyous happiness that she had never thought possible. But it hadn't lasted. Fairy tales never did, she reminded herself bitterly. A part of her had not been shocked at all when she had seen the double blue line forming on the pregnancy test. She had taken the test exactly 2 weeks after her period had been due, but she had felt the life growing inside her already, weeks before that. Perhaps it was possible for women to sense the exact moment of conception, she wondered.
Because she knew she had felt things that night she shared with Eric, that she had never ever felt before... She had booked her appointment with the doctor for the week after but in the days before that, she had read a lot. It was the end of January then and the books said she was already 6 weeks pregnant, not 4 as she would have otherwise assumed. Her baby was due 34 weeks later, in early October. She smiled a little at that; a 'fall' baby to be born in her favourite season, just as all the leaves were turning red. As she waited a week to see her doctor, she was amazed that she wasnt panicking at all. "Was she crazy?", she asked herself. Here she was pregnant, at not yet 20, her college plans would have to be shelved and worst of all, she was going to be a single parent. But instead of regretting her foolish impulsiveness on the night of New Year's eve, she was busy looking at baby catalogs and smiling everytime she touched her stomach. But then she had already stopped believeing in fairy tale endings a while ago. Both the guys she had loved had run away from her in fear of committment. Both had run from the idea of building a future with her. Her belief in the 'perfect guy' had faded along with her faith in unicorns. She was strangely happy that it wasnt any of the broken loves of her life that had resulted in this pregnancy.
This was Eric's baby and it felt good to know that when her child asked her wistfully whether his or her father was a kind person, she would not have to hesitate even a second to answer. Eric was the only guy she knew, who was not only kind, but was never afraid to show it either. But she had already made her mind up that she would never tell him that the child was his. She didn't want to see the trapped look in his eyes before he set aside his dreams yet again to do 'the right thing'. She would much rather raise the baby on her own and she would do everything she could to make sure the baby had a happy childhood.
She shifted a little restlessly in her seat. Her resolution to not tell Eric about the pregnancy had lasted just a week. He had shown up at her doorway, wanting to know why she hadn't taken any of his calls. When he told her that he was hoping they could still stay friends, if nothing else was possible, it moved her almost to tears. She couldn't NOT tell him then. She couldn't have hoped for a most positive reaction. The panic and despair that she had feared seeing in his eyes had been missing completely. He had come with her to see her doctor that day. She had thought she'd be nervous, but having Eric sitting next to her in the waiting room, holding her hand, had calmed her down almost completely. And a small part of her hadn't been able to stop thinking about the kiss they had shared outside her house, even as they were waiting to be called in. The doctor had confirmed her dates after a few simple tests and had sent her home with iron and vitamin supplements. She was asked to come back in a few weeks for her first scan when she would get to see her baby on screen.
They had spent hours searching Eric's Condo for clues. Dusk was turning to nightfall now and Jackie went around the house, switching on a few soft lights. Red was tired, both from the road trip and the increasing worry about Eric. He settled down on the couch, in front of the television, and left Kelso to continue looking around. Brooke had wandered to the small kitchen, to try and rustle up some food for the tired group.
Jackie decided to lie down for a short while, and went into Eric's room. The brown colored blanket folded across the bed, reminded her of his room back at home. She lay down, pressing her face into his pillow. She had furtively been hoping to catch a lingering whiff of his spicy aftershave but all that was there was the faint lemony scent of laundry detergent. Her head ached a little and she wanted to rest, but sleep eluded her. After a few minutes, she pulled herself up and opened the top drawer of the nightstand. She was hoping to find something to take for her headache and maybe help her sleep. Jackie gasped when she saw the thin roll of ultrasound film that was tucked away in a corner. She was pretty sure she knew what it was. Her hand was shaking as she pulled it out and looked at the image of the fetus that had once been growing inside her. It was the 10 week scan photo taken only a fortnight before she had lost the baby. She fell back again on the bed, giving into the tears she had been holding back the whole day.
The dream had lasted only a little more than a month. Eric had wanted both the parents to know about the pregnancy. But she had sworn him to secrecy. "Lets tell them only when we have to." she had said, knowing that she wouldnt start to show for a couple of months more. She had wanted to hug the secret to herself for as long as possible. Partly because she knew her parents would try to convince her to have an abortion and she wanted to tell them only when it was too late for that to be an option they could force her into.
But how many times had she regretted the decision not to tell Kitty and Red about it? The doctors had tried convincing her in the aftermath, that miscarriages had no causal factor. That it wasn't anything she did or didnt do in the preceding days. But she had never been able to entirely stop blaming herself. In the weeks before, she had made sure that she ate three sensible meals a day and slept enough. She hadn't even gone near the basement for fear that she might inhale some of the smokey fumes that usually hung around in there.
Eric seemed to have slipped into 'boyfriend mode' naturally. It felt almost as if they had been a couple much before this, but that the pregnancy had finally made it official. He had come with her to the scan appointment and she could feel his hand pressing hers as they saw the tiny life moving about in the screen above them. As they were leaving, she had been given an appointment card for her 20 week scan. It was more than two months away at that point, but she had been thrilled to know that she would know the gender of the baby then. A couple of weeks later, Eric had come over to her house unexpectedly. Her mother was out and she took him directly upstairs to her room. He looked serious and she sensed he had come there to talk about their future. There had been so much affection in his eyes as he broached the subject of marriage. She had pointed out to him all the practical obstacles. But he had sounded so confident that they could make things work. It wasn't an undying declaration of love, but he was her best friend now and she knew he cared. And she knew he would love the baby with all his heart.
How could she possibly not have said yes...That night, when she lay in bed, she felt an amazing sense of peace and contentment. The pregnancy had been completely unexpected, but now it suddenly felt like her dreams were coming true rather than being ruined... she really did believe that they could make the marriage work even though they were still so young. She would support him in making all his dreams and ambitions come true. He may not be in love with her yet but she would make him fall in love with her by being the perfect wife.
He was coming over the next day morning to take her shopping, he had offered to do so when he had seen all the maternity wear catalogs lying open on her bed that day. Just a few hours to go to see him again and she could hardly wait... She dozed off and when she woke the next day morning, her world was crashing down on her...It was the wet sheets that made her jerk awake, it felt like someone had tipped a warm bucket of water into her bed...except that this water was crimson red... she had read enough to know that the baby was in trouble. Her eyes flew first to the clock beside her bed, Eric was due here in less than half an hour, to pick her up. They would have to go straight to the hospital. Her mother was probably still asleep, Jackie didnt want her to find out now, not like this...She went into the bathroom and cleaned herself up, the tears started flowing when she realised she was still bleeding slightly, although it was now down to a dull trickle ...the foetus was a few days short of just 12 weeks and she knew it was dying... She slipped into a red colour simple dress and was crying even harder as she pulled the blood stained sheets off her bed and clutched it to her for a minute before leaving it in a rolled heap in a corner of her bedroom.
By the time Eric's car pulled up outside her house, she was ready and waiting outside. He started the car immediately at her terse "I'm bleeding...we have to get to the hospital". Somehow he managed to drive her there carefully while speeding at the same time.
She could see the sympathy in the nurse's eyes as she was led into an examining room immediately. Both the nurses asked her not to weep as she lay down, it wouldnt be good for the baby if she was upset, they said. Eric was right next to her, looking just as helpless and shocked as she felt... The heartbeat monitor was brought out again quickly, but this time only a very loud silence filled the room as the nurses searched about at various spots across her stomach. She was crying again by the time they gave up and this time they didnt tell her that she had to stop crying for the baby's sake.
Eric never left her side as she waited endless minutes for the doctor, but she kept her eyes closed and her head turned away, she didnt feel like talking right then. The doctor confirmed what they already knew, within the hour. A scan was taken to corroborate what the monitor's silence had already indicated, her baby was no longer inside her...
She was given a sedative to rest for a while, but after another examination in the evening to check that the bleeding had completely stopped, she was allowed to go home with instructions to stay in bed for a couple of days. Under the circumstances, the doctors and staff couldnt have been more reassuring than they were, but she was hardly listening to them as she prepared to leave.
The drive back in the car was painfully silent - her feeling of contentment from the previous night had been completely replaced with a numbing feeling of emptiness...she heard Eric try and say reassuring things to her, but she was still not in a state of mind to listen to anyone right then. Another dose of medication had been given before she had left and she was very sleepy again.
He came by again the next day, in the evening. She had barely gotten out of bed the whole day and didnt plan to either for the rest of the week...and she had no plans for any of the weeks after that either...She had seen his eyes tear up as well when the doctor had confirmed the bad news to them at the hospital, but he looked resigned now. He said a few things, about how she had been awesome these past weeks , and that she had done the best she could for the baby, and that these things happened, and that he was sad about it too ...but he didnt say the one thing she really wanted to hear him say that day, the one thing that might have made her feel better right then...that he still wanted to be with her, and that they would have a baby again someday...She asked him to leave after a while, pleading the excuse that she wanted to sleep ...she didnt return any of his calls in the days after that, and then eventually the calls stopped.
Canyonlands, Utah...
Eric had still been in the same posistion as last night, he had not moved at all, through the 5 foot space above him that made him view the sky, he watched it all night, he watched the moon spend it 15 minutes pass over the space until it eventaully went out of the view of the space he had. Thinking about that made him remember he still had time to catch the raven on camera, it came by every single day he had been here at exactly 11:00 o'clock.
He knew he still had time on his camera until it completely died, he guessed he had about 5 minutes left until it died. He had no idea what time it was, exept for the fact that it was daytime. He wheezed his chest and raised his hand to check the time: 10:12pm.
He groaned and didn't have alot to do until that happened, he did have his memory. He thought he could think back to the time he and Jackie really had sex that night. He just hoped that his body would actaully let him finish the memory...
Point Place, Wisconsin, New Year's Eve, 1981...
(TopherGirl's work)Eric was taken aback when Jackie grabbed his collar and proceeded to kiss him more thoroughly than he had ever been kissed before. For a few minutes, he couldn't focus on anything except how good this felt. Her lips were parting his, and her warm hands were stroking his neck and shoulders. When she pulled his tongue into her mouth and proceeded to suck on it, he felt almost dizzy. His body was responding in ways that it hadn't done with any girl in a long while now. He found himself struggling to restrain his urge to push her firmly up against the wall behind her and let his hands find out if she really would feel as good as she did when she sometimes appeared suddenly in his dreams…
She was his best friend now! The only person who seemed to really still really care about what he was thinking and feeling, how his week at work had been, and whether he still had dreams of college. He couldn't ruin their friendship for the sake of a steamy one night stand…No matter how much his senses screamed at him to not stop, he had to. He didn't want to lose her since she was way too important to him now.
He pushed her gently back against the wall to stop her from leaning against him and then he stopped the kiss by lightly nibbling on her neck for a minute before taking her hands off him and holding them in his palms, "Jackie." his voice was low and soft, "We can't do this… not right now, not like this" Eric said, even though he would mentally scold himself later.
She felt like someone had rudely poured cold water all over her. One minute they had been sharing an extremely hot kiss and the next he was looking at her like he was a disappointed church elder or something….What the hell? She closed her eyes again. He still stood very close to her and she could feel his arms on either side of her, she couldn't even walk away, she was almost trapped between his body and the wall behind her. She was almost shocked to realise that despite his pulling away, she still desperately wanted to pull him down to her for another kiss. She could feel his breathing against her hair, it was still uneven.
He had enjoyed the kiss too; she couldn't possibly have just imagined his reaction ….then why had he stopped? Confusion and embarrassment assailed her… Did he still have feelings for Donna? Or was there someone else that he hadn't told any of them about. Their friendship had started right after he had returned from Africa, almost 2 years ago. Somewhere, along the way they had become quite close. Did he not want anything more? Had she misread all the signals? All these months of togetherness, was he just being polite and nice then? Eww. How could she have mistakenly assumed that he wanted this too?
She didn't know how to react or recover from this situation, this was the first time she had thrown herself in this way at a boy and the first time she had been turned down like this as well. She pushed his arms away to free herself to walk away. He had seen the embarrassed look on her face before she pushed his hands away. He was right, he thought, she was already regretting the momentary impulse, which had to mean she would only have gotten more upset if they hadn't stopped. Maybe she would relax if they pretended like nothing happened and moved on…he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable around him or anything now.
"Jackie, should we go downstairs? It'll be midnight soon." Eric said unsurely, he was still standing very close to her and found himself completely unable to move away. This had to be the ultimate brush off, she thought. He wanted to move past the kiss and was now pretending like it never even happened.
Without answering, she pushed him away from her with as much force as she could muster in her tiny palms, and started walking away toward the door. "Jackie, are you okay?" Eric asked with concern. She was almost at the door, and she spoke her mind without thinking first. "I'm very mad at you..." She hadn't even turned to face him as she stood by the door, desperately wanting to leave now and find somewhere to hide for a while…
"Why? What did I do …?" Eric snapped, there was an edge to his tone now, like he was losing his patience with her moody behaviour. She opened her mouth to give a furious answer and then stopped. Her mind was racing with overwhelmingly confusing thoughts… Why did I say that? What am I supposed to say now? I'm mad because you didn't want to kiss me! I'm angry with you because you don't feel the same way about us that I do! Was she going to humiliate herself even more by saying all that? No way!
Jackie finally found her voice, "Whatever." She said coolly and put her hand on the doorknob to pull it open. But now he was angry too. His nerves were still angrily protesting being forced to pull back from sinking into that amazing kiss, and he had done it only so she wouldn't be upset, and now she was refusing to talk to him anyway, despite his efforts to do the right thing. This sucked… He desperately wished then that he had just kept kissing her. He had wanted to, the whole evening, right from the minute she had walked in with those snowflakes in her hair and that electrifying smile on her face. He walked over, placing his hand on hers at the door, effectively stopping her from leaving.
"I was trying to do the right thing, you ungrateful little wench. I was the perfect gentleman, and I don't expect you to say thanks, but do you have to be such a brat all the time?" Eric said very heatedly.
Jackie's eyes widened, she was beyond mad now. She was a brat all the time? Then why did he even hang out with her? Thank him for turning her down? Who did he think he was? Much later in time, every time she thought back on that night, her adoration for him only increased. She could clearly see why he had tried pulling back after the kiss.
But at that moment, she was far from thinking clearly...
As she spun around to face him, her eyes were blazing with everything that she was feeling right then. "I'm a brat? How dare you! Okay fine, thank you for being the perfect gentleman, and I hope your smug attitude keeps you warm at night. You are never ever going to get a chance to kiss me again…", Jackie shot back.
She wanted to leave the room that very second. Even she was shocked at her words and the shock went up many notches when he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her close to him. She had never seen him looking this furious before, and certainly never at her. She felt breathless again, being this close to him and seeing the angry flecks shining in his eyes. His voice was deceptively soft again. "What is it, Beuhla? Was I supposed to melt at your feet after you let me have a taste of those pouty lips?"
Her stomach clenched at his words and the way he was looking at her…..What a time to notice what smouldering eyes he had …..
"You have to have all of us panting after you, don't you Jackie? It's not enough that you drove the others crazy for years. Well, Missy, I'm sorry I've managed to resist this long …"
She was stunned at how much his words hurt her. She controlled the urge to let the tears brim. She had faced a few jokey accusations from her exe's about her working her way around the circle and stuff like that …But she had never ever thought that Eric would say something similar…
The urge to cry was thankfully replaced quickly with the urge to hit him. She curled her fingers into her palm to stop herself from slapping him across the face. There was no way she was hanging around for the rest of the party, she was leaving …but first she was going to crush his pride before walking away…..Did he really think he could resist her if she actually decided she wanted to break his resolve to keep a distance ?
He had seen the hurt look on her face at his words and he immediately wished he could take back those thoughtless words. It had been a blind reaction to her angry statement about never letting him kiss her again …
He opened his mouth to apologize, but she started speaking before that and then all thoughts of apology or anything else coherent fled from his mind…
She looked up at him and her mouth moved into the sulky pout that he had referred to just minutes ago.
She spoke in a very low voice but he could still hear her clearly.
"I'm sorry I'm being such a naughty brat, maybe you should spank me, so I never ever do it again." Eric eyes widened, "What did she just say?!" Eric thought.
She had no idea why the guys seemed to have this weird turn on, it must have been something they saw in an X rated movie sometime, but anyway it worked.
It turned her on just seeing how much her words affected him. But she ignored her feelings and kept her focus on him.
He was trying to control his reaction, but she could see the deep red blush spread across his face and neck.
His breathing was instantly ragged and she placed her hands lightly on his shoulders again, moving even closer to him and looking up at him. Their lips were just inches apart.
"And it's too bad you've made up your mind to resist me, I wore this dress today just for you, cause I knew you like this color. And…"
Her voice dropped to a whisper near his ear.
"I wore only the tiniest pair of thongs under this dress, because I saw you oogling a girl in one of those disgusting magazines once, who was wearing something like that. Don't you want to see what I'm wearing and tell me if you like it …?"
She looked up at his face to see his reaction and knew she had achieved her goal. His eyes were almost glazed before he closed them. She hadn't even touched him and he was breathing as if he had been running. She was close enough to him feel his arousal in other ways too…
Her plan had worked, she had thrown his earlier words back at him, and this was where she could leave now without looking back.
But she found she couldn't move away …
She was just as turned on right now, as he was. He hadn't even touched her yet and she already felt warm wet sensations unfurling in her stomach. She wanted him so badly...but she prayed for the strength to walk away right now, she didn't want their first time together to be in anger …
The fury that she had felt a short while ago at him suddenly dissipated completely.
Just a minute ago she had been hell bent on provoking him, wanting him to lose control & react to her teasing …
But that had been an angry impulse that she was already regretting. All their friends were downstairs and probably wondering where the two of them were …what would Eric's parents think if they weren't around at midnight …
Their first time, if they were indeed meant to even have a first time, should be special, not in retaliation over a stupid argument.
She tried to sidle away, inching toward the door…
Jackie cleared her throat, "You were right" She whispered "Maybe we should go back downstairs, it's almost –" Jackie said but was cut off.
She was shocked at the expletive he muttered then. She had rarely heard him curse that way before…
And then she was pulled a little roughly back in his arms before his mouth came down on hers.
"This is what you wanted, right? It's too late for you to back out now…"
He clearly hadn't appreciated her trying to tease him like that to merely prove a point.
Eric then pressed his lips on hers, Eric couldn't help himself anymore.
She could feel the anger in the pressure of his mouth on hers, before he bit down rather sharply on her lower lip. The minute her lips parted, he thrust his tongue inside her mouth.
Completely ignoring her rather stunned stillness, he continued the kiss.
Part of her felt like crying, he had always been so gentle with her. But yet another part of her was automatically starting to react to how sensual his kiss was, even when he was this furious.
She could feel him against her, pressing her back against the wall and the waves of heat coming off him made her feel light headed.
And then suddenly it didn't matter that maybe this wasn't the best time and that he was so angry, she had wanted to be with him like this for a long while now, and she wanted to just give in.
Even when he was this upset, she trusted him not to hurt her in any way…
Her mouth yielded under his, letting him know that she didn't want the kiss to end. Her arms found their way around his neck, stroking his hair gently …
Eric's head was spinning from all mixed signals from her. First, she had seemed angry when he had tried doing the right thing. Right after that had been the sex kitten act that had made his mind instantly fill with some very lustful thoughts.
And now she was sweetly, almost innocently, responsive in his arms.
Each of her different moods had turned him on …and stopping was the last thing on his mind right now as he let himself sink into the kiss completely.
His hand moved to her thigh, encouraging her to drape her leg over his hip. She could feel how ready he was, and she responded instantly by grinding her hips against his. He pulled her other leg up as well around his waist and moved them both to the bed.
She was lying beneath him and he knew he was fast approaching the point of no return. He made himself stop then, giving her the chance to pull back now if that's what she wanted. He wasn't going to be able to stop if they went any further.
She looked up at him, the only sounds in the room was their ragged breathing and the faint sound of ACDC's T.N.T from downstairs.
She hesitated for a split second but her heart overcame her mind. Who knew if they would ever end up together? If this short interlude was the only intimate moment that was possible between the two of them, then she wanted to have this. She was sure she felt more for him than just friendship but she knew she would probably never tell him that either.
She pulled him down onto her and then there was no looking back after that.
Clothes that were in the way were flung aside. It was obvious to both of them that they had been wanting this for a while now; the relief in being able to do this at last was palpable.
"Eric." She was urging him on in a throaty voice when he was seconds away from entering her.
He pushed forward, feeling her welcoming heat, when suddenly she whispered loudly, her voice filled with panic, "Eric, stop!"
Ironically, the last coherent thought on his mind a few minutes ago, had been that even if either of his parents had come searching for him right then and pounded on the door, he didn't think he would be able to stop.
And yet he did right then, his body freezing in response to the panicked request.
She was panting "Eric, I'm not on the pill...do you have something up here?"
The way he had cursed a while ago was nothing compared to his reaction right now.
He shifted his weight off her, lying on his stomach right beside her. His chest was heaving as he tried to calm himself, had she been mad at him all along, was this some sort of cruel retribution?
His first instinct had been to head for the sanctuary and privacy of his bathroom but he didn't think that his legs could carry him that far right then.
"Eric." He turned his head to look at her in response to her whisper and his anger drained instantly. She looked every bit as much shaken as he felt right then.
"Eric, I'm sure it'll be okay, let's just go ahead and do it." Jackie said.
He closed his eyes for a few seconds, she was putting heaven within his reach again.
He was trying to find the words to tell her it was okay…
When she leaned over and placed her lips softly against his again, and then it didn't matter anymore that they were taking a risk.
When they went back downstairs, she made sure that they joined the party separately, she had her excuse ready and nobody pressed Eric for an answer when he came back.
None of the others would find out what had actually happened, for another few years. (End of TopherGirl's work)
Eric, much like some points on that night, forced himself to not think about all the details of what he and Jackie did. Eric knew if he kept thinking on, he would do something he would regret. Eric sighed and noticed his breathing kept getting quicker, he knew he was officially dying. His body was shutting down, Eric reached into his pocket slowly and got out his inhaler. Eric held it up to his mouth and took his medicine, his body couldn't hold his breath like he wanted it to. It was far too weak.
Eric started thinking about his Newfoundland at home, he prayed to God it was okay. Little did he know Red and the rest of the road trip gang were already there looking for clues as to where he might be, and were taking care of his dog.
I know this chapter was very long, but I really hoped you liked it, please leave a review...
