A/N: So, I feel bad about leaving this fic unfinished for so long…so here's an ending! Feel free to imagine that after this they go on many adventures together, just like in the cartoon. Only not, because they're married and stuff. Totally unbeta-ed, any advice, hate mail, etc. will be appreciated! To the kind people who left reviews asking for this story to be continued, I hope you are not too disappointed.
PREVIOUSLY:
The kitchen sparkled, the sun was shining again, and Lydia might even be naked (she wouldn't) in the waterfall pool by the time he got there. Today was a good day to be a poltergeist.
AND NOW, ON WITH THE STORY!
Chapter Nine:
"But it's been a month!" Barbara worried. "Anything could have happened to her by now!"
Adam embraced her comfortingly as two bony technicians fussed over a chalk drawing of a door, filled in with arcane geometry and squiggles that might have been ancient symbols or electrical diagrams. Sometimes the chalk would slip through their poorly articulated joints and they'd hollowly bonk their heads together reaching for it at the same time. Juno rolled her eyes and took an irritated puff of her cigarette every time this happened, but Adam tried to ignore the two stooges and reassure his wife while he, himself, did not feel assured in the first place.
"Lydia can handle herself," he said. "She's got…a unique perspective! Why, I'll bet she's got him wrapped around her little finger!"
Adam and Barbara both tried not to think about the court-decided measures which would have to be taken, if – well – if something dreadful (generally called Beetlejuice) had happened to Lydia. That poltergeist had broken the minds of stronger people before, and if the afterlife authorities wiped all the Deetzes' memories in a measure to preserve their sanity, Lydia wouldn't even remember the Maitlands, wouldn't remember anything of the haunting in Winter River. It hurt, to think that they would lose the little time together that they'd shared.
Now the two boneheads were gesticulating at each other and fiercely rubbing out bits of chalk the other had drawn just to draw them back in exactly the same as before. After a few minutes of this, Juno pointedly said, "That's enough! Knock on that thing before I run out of smokes, because my patience is already gone." Giving her the dirty eyesocket, they knocked on the door facsimile three times and scrambled out of the way as the wall turned into the face of a groaning mausoleum, whose door slowly gaped open, gushing fog.
"Are…are you sure this will find them?" Barbara asked.
"I'm sure," Juno said dryly, stepping through the portal. The carved marble door began to close and the Maitlands hurried after her.
As the fog lifted, the scene before them resolved into a white sandy beach and blue skies blending into the blue ocean. And in the middle of it all in a big, black blot was Lydia. She was looking extraordinarily pale, laying on a black lounge chair with black towels, and wearing a black one-piece (that showed more skin than the Maitlands were comfortable with, but a lot less than a certain poltergeist wanted) and a sheer robe. They watched dumbfounded as Lydia said lazily, "A little more to the left," and Beetlejuice, clad in a turn of the century striped bathing suit, appeared from behind the absolutely enormous striped beach umbrella and proceeded to adjust it to suit her.
He then knelt and began to fan Lydia adoringly with a giant palm leaf.
It took a moment for Juno to recover her poise from where it ran screaming into the distance, but when she did she strode forward commandingly and demanded, "What is going on here!"
Spinning around and snapping to his feet, Beetlejuice tossed the palm over his shoulder and endeavored to look as if he was never holding it, he didn't even know what palm leaves were, honest. Lydia sat up and lowered her sunglasses, breaking out into a huge smile when she saw Adam and Barbara. She got up and ran towards them, and they raced towards her, and a group hug was had.
Meanwhile Juno was reading Beetlejuice the riot act, stepping in front of him and blocking his view of the lovely Lydia running down a beach. He wasn't really listening, until she got to the point about 'spatial boundaries.' "Whoah, wait! You can't do this to me! You just said the marriage is legit, we're a bonafide Bonnie and Clyde!"
"Bonnie and Clyde had an illicit affair, Beetlebrains."
"Still!"
"You should be thanking me! They wanted to bust you down so far you'd be lucky to ever dig your way back up to the worms. Instead, you get to pal around Out here, free as a bird."
"Yeah, a caged bird!"
"If by that you mean the bird can go anywhere BUT in the cage, then yes. Otherwise, no."
Hearing the commotion, Lydia wandered over, dragging the reluctant Maitlands behind her. "What's going on?" she asked, reaching out to take Beetlejuice's hand. Just as she touched his fingers, a spark flashed and they were both flung back.
Juno dragged on her cigarette and announced, "That must be the edict kicking in."
Panicking, Beetlejuice tried to reach Lydia, sprawled out on the sand. But he hit a barrier that flashed as he scrabbled at it like a mime in a box. Barbara actually reached Lydia first, and lifted her gently, patting at her cheeks until she blinked and dazedly woke up.
"What the hell?" Lydia sputtered, pushing her way to her feet unsteadily and leaving Barbara protesting that she rest. "What the hell was that?"
"You won't be able to go within three feet of each other. Spectral restraining order. He also can't be more than three miles away from you. This was done for your own protection," Juno said.
Lydia glanced quickly at Beetlejuice and back at Juno. Seeming to draw into herself, she said, "But I…I don't need…I don't want…."
"How are those damned pencil-pushers justifying this one, June-bug?" Beetlejuice demanded, clenching his fists. "What fine print in all those rule books does this come under? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, I've read all of it and this ain't in there! I would know!"
"Consummation," Juno stated matter-of-factly.
"What? We exchanged soul essences! That's –"
"Spiritual consummation. They're citing living world precedences, and right now, the United States of America says that your marriage could be annulled."
"But how'm I supposed to –"
"You'll have conjugal visits. Once a year, when the boundaries between the worlds are thin. They didn't want to even give you that, but it's not like they have much choice in the matter."
"But-!"
"You had a whole month. What, exactly, is it that Lydia Deetz doesn't need and doesn't want?"
Everyone turned to look at Lydia, although admittedly for different reasons. Juno was wryly speculative, Adam looked on in consternation, and Barbara seemed torn between approval at how she held out and dismay at how close she did get. Beetlejuice however, was looking more and more betrayed the longer Lydia didn't say anything, boxed in between what she should want and what she did want.
"I get it. I know when I'm not wanted," he snapped, and she flinched. He jammed a fedora on his head and picked up a suitcase. "Be seein' ya at Halloween, Lyds, and don't think I'll be gentle!"
"Wait a gosh darned minute!" Adam began to protest.
Beetlejuice sent a heated look her way, making Lydia shiver, and not exactly in fright.
Then he was gone, and Lydia hadn't said anything.
She didn't speak as her parent ghosts fussed over her and Juno explained things in exact, brutal detail. She nodded when they wanted a yes and shook her head when they wanted a no. She didn't say a word as they were transported home and met with her smiling parents, who didn't remember a thing at all about any ghosts or how she'd been missing for a month. Delia complimented her swimsuit. Not a sound escaped her as she was ensconced in her old new room and left to rest, almost wistfully wishing that Juno had approved that her memories be wiped too, because then it probably wouldn't hurt as much.
She had just flopped on her bed, coughing a little at the puff of dust from a month of disuse, when she heard what felt like the most unlikely sound in the world.
"Hey, you didn't think ya were going to get out of your half of the deal so easily, did ya?"
She bounced off the bed, a shy smile stealing over her face, and collided with the barrier, bouncing right back onto the bed. Beetlejuice was sitting a foot above her desk grinning maniacally, wearing his favorite suit.
"I can hardly hand-feed you beetles like this though, can I?" Slowly this time, Lydia pushed at the barrier. "I'm sorry," she said, and meant it about more than their silly trade.
He tossed a greasy packet labeled 'sugar beetle babies' at her. "You wanted fan-action, I did the thing with the palm waving! The least you can do is throw these at my mouth. While naked." Which was his version of 'apology accepted.'
Smirking, Lydia teasingly took off her robe and toyed with the strap of her swimsuit, before lobbing a sugar encrusted beetle hard at his hopeful face. "Nope, I don't think so!"
It smacked into his forehead and stuck there before he alarmingly long tongue snatched it into his mouth, where a big crunch finished it off. "That the best ya got?" he laughed, and tried to pay more attention to where she was throwing the beetles than what the throwing was doing to her anatomy.
Maybe by October he'll have convinced her that they didn't need to wait until her 18th birthday.
THE END!
