The Waldorfian Conundrum
Chapter Nine-
As Time Passes
October 4, 2013
I'm uber excited for Humphrey. Tonight is officially the night for Dan's movie premiere at the Toronto Film Festival. With much coordinating, mostly done by me, we're able to squeeze in a mini vacation as we enjoy the weekend together. It's been trips back and forth from Los Angeles to New York. Every time I feel like life will come to slap me in the face by finding some monkey wrench in our relationship, it seems that the distance only makes us stronger. Every moment he has, he wants spend with me. I think we've racked up so much air mileage going back and forth that we know certain pilots by name now. Whenever he has a weekend or even a day, he's figuring out a way to come to New York as I do the same with him.
We make our relationship work. It's been tough, but we make it work. We skype. We talk. We're honest. Our friendship is still the basis of what makes us strong as a couple, and I love that above everything else. We're in a good place and I'm happy to share this moment with him. The media has talked up his adaptation as being a runaway success for when it does hit the box office. The movie goes beyond the typical teenage setting as it takes a more docudrama approach to the characters. I remember countless times Humphrey being upset about something with the director, but in the end it was his passion and the directors merging together that allowed them both to put their all into the project. I love that Humphrey takes those that challenge him as his biggest source of help because he knows that he has to present top notch quality in order to win. I love his passion and I love that with this project he's manage to manifest his career into something he never thought he'd be into.
Before going to the festival, Humphrey takes me out to a private dinner where we're not hounded by cameras of any sort. With the buzz on this movie, Humphrey has become a self made celebrity in the right way. You'd never know because he still acts the same and does the same things. It'd be easy for him to get wrapped up in the craziness that is the well known Toronto Film Festival, but he still wants to hang out with me. He wants his free time to be with me and making sure we talk. He makes it a habit to make me his priority, even when I welcome the chance that I might not see him as much. I'm glad that he proves me wrong on that subject.
When we arrive at the festival, girls are screaming. Reporters want to talk to him along with the cast. I stand back and enjoy that he's found his success and I get to be by his side. As his girlfriend I'm proud, but as his best friend I'm ecstatic because I know how much he wants this. He holds my hand, pulling me to be by side. He doesn't want me to walk behind him for one second. He says it's nerves, but it's him sharing this with me. He needs me to be by him, at time he lets me lead but he wants me by his side. I know it sounds useless, but I've been in relationships where me walking behind just became the requirement. With Humphrey, he breaks all those rules.
I hear questions about his personal life, which he dodges due to the fact that Gossip Girl has taught him well to keep things private. The way he looks at me and whispers to me, I'm almost sure that magazines are going to speculate correctly that I'm the girlfriend. To be honest, I can't wait for them to print it because I know I'm buying every copy for keepsake. The director gives him his well deserved credit, and that makes me glad because now people will respect Humphrey as a writer but as director as well for future purposes.
Critics rave about the movie. People love the drama and relate to the characters. I almost cringe as I'm not sure I want to hear about what they felt about my character. The responses are mixed, but nothing I haven't heard before. I hear people root for the character because they feel like when Clair does get how much Dylan loves her, she'll see that the love she's wanted has been there all along. I guess I could've used these people in real life. It would've saved a lot of tears. Humphrey checks on me as he knows the critics can knit pick on characters, but Clair is well received because the actress makes her so sympathetic. If there's one thing I know from having a writer as a boyfriend, I realize that acting is half the battle when the written material has to be worthy.
I grow to love Toronto. I want to return if possible. Maybe I should encourage Humphrey to continue to direct and write so we can come back every year. I love him and I'm proud. I don't think I can say that enough because it doesn't even begin to describe how overjoyed I am for him in this moment and every moment of the day.
December 3, 2013
The first ever Young Designer Program has begun it's final stages of selection. We're looking at June as being our start date of the program, in which the applicants will be placed in three months worth of learning. We pick up to twenty people with a promise of three internships available. I've overlooked the selections and I was glad to see that Sophie managed to make it into the final stages. I make mental note to keep up with her, not as a favorite but because of a connection I now shared with her. I make my changes to the company minimal, but it's enough to make me feel glad that I'm becoming better at this.
After work, I stop by the penthouse to have dinner with my mother. Dorota as usual is excited for me. She's eager for Humphrey to return to New York. With Dan's film moving into theaters for it's official release, Dan found that being in Los Angeles wasn't as big as of a necessity like they used to be. I was excited as well, but I didn't want to get my hopes up because I was all ready over the moon that I would be seeing Humphrey more than passing weekends. My mother tries to be the dutiful housewife, but I can tell that she's aching to ask about business. I let minimal words slip out on what was going on around the office, while singing the praises of Leann, there isn't much I can relay to her. Dinner used to be at max, twenty minutes before we all went our separate way, but now dinner becomes full conversations. Conversations that we all actually enjoy.
I love hanging with my family, but I can't wait to get home. I have a bit of situation, but I'm eager to talk about it with Humphrey. I'm hoping it's nothing, but I've been in this position before so I'm prepared for anything to turn up. As soon as I get home, I take my usual shower and get into my pajamas. I grab my rice krispies treats and begin to snack on them before I get a skype phone call. I do the best I can to clean myself up, but I find that to be useless because I'm all ready a mess of all sorts. He pops up on the screen and I just smile.
"Hey" Dan smiles as he adjusts his camera "How was your day?" he asked
"Good" I smile as he looks in close towards his camera to see what it is that I'm wearing
"Love the Columbia shirt. It's becoming your signature shirt now" Dan laughs
"I know. I'm starting to become obsessed with it, and I wash it nearly every other day. So I'm going ratty old style with this" I joke
"I'd love to see that" Dan told her
"I need to talk to you about something" I sigh as I lean up against the headboard
"Okay, we can talk" Dan tells me as he takes a sip from his soda while it's clear he picked up something to eat on his way home. "What's wrong?" he asked as he noticed a look on my face that was a bit timid.
"I have a bit of a situation on my hand. Something that I'm not sure how you'll feel about" I sigh
"Just tell me" Dan replies
"….I've been late" I reluctantly tell him as he takes a moment to access what I've told him
"How late?" Dan asks
"About four weeks" I told him "I'm usually a week late if so, but I'm always on time" I add
"Do you think you're pregnant?" Dan asks
"I don't know. I'm a bit worried because this isn't like before. I don't want to scare you…." I begin to say as I bring my knees to my chest
"It's not scaring me. I'm not scared" Dan tells me as he moves closer into the camera so I can see his face clearly "Whatever we have to do, we'll do it. I'm not just going to chicken out on you, I love you too much to do that" he tells me as I realize this is the first time he's said I love you since the debacle that was our first ending.
"You love me?" I ask as a smile comes to my face while all he can do is laugh
"Yes, I love you. I've loved you all this time, it shouldn't be that big of a surprise" Dan laughs as he begins to blush
"I know, it's just nice to hear it now of all times" I tell him as I don't want to tease him too much "I'm going to see my doctor on Friday" I sigh
"I wish I was going to be there with you" Dan groans in frustration as he runs his hand through his mess of hair. I can tell that he hates that he's in Los Angeles of all places because he'd rather be here with me. "I want to be there with you. I really want to be there" he mutters as he hides his face.
"I know and I love you for that" I reply as a silence comes between us
"No matter what happens, I want you to tell me. We'll deal with whatever the situation may be. If you're pregnant, I'm happy. If you're not, I'm happy" Dan tells me as I feel his strength seeping through in to me
"Have you ever thought about having kids? I mean if we were, do you think we'd be in that spot to have a kid?" I ask out of curiosity
"We could. I mean we're both young, and we're both beginning our careers…" Dan begins to say
"That sounds like you're about to give me a reason as to why we can't have a kid" I laugh
"But we have the necessities. We love each other and we work as a team. It may be tough, but there's not a person I'd want to have a baby with more than you" Dan tells me "If you'd ask me that question a couple of years ago, I would've said I wouldn't be ready until I was thirty but life doesn't work like that. It doesn't wait for you to be ready. Having Miloh for that time in my life, I realized that I'm ready for any thing in my life. It made me responsible for not just my life, but for him. Sex isn't just sex to me, I can't be with randoms because I want to have a baby with someone that I love and respect" he says
"So are you saying you love and respect me?" I ask as my eyes begin to water with how he manages to make me feel secure and safe even when I feel like I want to scream.
"I'm saying that what you may think is horrible isn't. So don't worry, and just know that I really want to be there with you" Dan says
"I wish you were as well" I smile "Thank you, for telling me about Miloh. We've never really discussed what you went through with losing Miloh, but I guess that's just another thing we have in common" I smile weakly.
December 6, 2013
I don't really tell anyone about my doctors appointment because I just don't feel like everyone needs to know. Dorota can sense that something is wrong with me, but I'm just hoping that she'll chalk up to having to be about work. I just hope to get through this day without worrying about anything involving my doctors appointment. I mean it could always lead to be something else other than pregnancy because things like this always comes up with medical situations at hand. I want to keep things normal and I don't want special treatment of any sort from anyone. I just need to keep cool and keep my head on straight.
I walk through the office, business as usual. I take the usual meetings with the board. I have my private time with Leann, where we discuss the necessary focus of the week. I take in what are the objectives of each focus of the week, and I make sure that they will be handled accordingly. Leann notices that I have this extreme obsession with having water around, but I play it off as being nothing but dehydration scare. I was fearful that Leann would notice that I might be pregnant, but I was fortunate enough for her not to realize it. I'm doing every thing I can to just keep my composure, but the last thing I need is for someone to figure it out.
Once the work day comes to a close, I busy myself with logging up information that I all ready know on my student account for school. A test I've all ready taken. A grade that I found more than pleasing. A homework assignment I had finished. Everything was done in true Waldorf fashion, early and diligently. There's nothing left for me to do with either work or school. The only thing I have to face is the results of whether or not my life is about to change. Logging off my computer. Closing up my office. I walk down towards the elevator. Smiling at entry level associates that I've come to know by name. I stand in front of the elevator. It's but a mere second before the sliding doors open and I must board the elevator.
Every bit of my movement is nervous. I drink enough water that I'm sure I can never drink water again. I go into a bathroom stall and wait for the ultimate results. I pee in to the cup. Take it to the nurse as she smiles happily at me. I fear she may all ready know my master plan, and that her smile is just telling me that she knows what's out there for me. I walk back to my seat in the waiting room. I flip through countless parenting magazines and I can't help but think back to the first time I discovered I was pregnant. There wasn't a need to read the parenting magazines because I had no real desire to be a parent. It was lonely. It was something I wasn't wishing to be true. Only one person had known that day, just like he was the one person that knew about to day. Still that day, it was lonely. It was the loneliest I had ever felt. I begin to tremble as I fear that I may cast the burden of being a parent to a possible unborn child that I might be carrying.
The wait feels like a lifetime. I tremble. I shake. I do everything but recall my childhood memories of interacting with kids. I can't bring up one memory because even then, children were never my thing. I don't know for sure what I want in this moment. I'm in a better place than I was the first time around, but I still feel lonely. My thoughts run rampant that I feel guilty for even being in this office. Mothers come here. Mother's that have every intention to nurture and provide come here. Mothers that want nothing more than to be second to their needs of what their child may need. My hands tremble even more that I fear that they may shake right off. They become steady at the simple gesture of a touch. I look over to see that the one that knew then, will know now. Looking like he had a minimum of an hours worth of sleep, Humphrey looks like a mess but even still he fakes that he's strong. He takes my burden away just by the simple touch of his head. He holds my hand as it's only a job he can do perfectly.
It's only in a matter of minutes that the doctor relinquishes me of all doubts that circle around in my head. I'm not pregnant. I should be happy. I mean I have my life back. I have the ability to be a hundred percent in my career, but I'm not happy. I don't know what I am. Humphrey holds my hand still and to be honest, it's the only thing that's keeping me upright. I'm not pregnant. The doctor tells us the usual run down of pregnancy and what I could've mistaken it for. He tells me things that I don't even remember by the time he moves on to the next word. I'm not pregnant. I don't know what I want, but I guess I never thought hearing that would make me so numb.
Humphrey has to leave out in the morning on a turnaround. I want him to sleep because I fear he may pass out from sleep deprivation. We get back to my place and I instantly feel like I have to tend to him. I make him a cup of tea that he likes because he's told me so and has a special box in the cabinet. I pull his clothes out that he has left over. I grab him a towel. I turn the shower on. I check the temperature of his water. I don't stop moving because I fear that if I do….I fear that I might just be that girl again. I fear that I might be weak, and being weak is something I can't be again.
"Blair" Dan says to me as he forces me to stop
"I think you have a pair of sweats in the drawer. What time is your flight again?" I ask as I try to get out of his embrace
"I'm fine with what I have on" Dan tells me
"Humphrey, you can't just get back on a plane in the same clothes. You need to take a shower. You need to change" I say as I manage to escape his clutches "I mean I'm surprised you even admit to that" I laugh to keep myself upbeat
"You wanted it today. You wanted to be pregnant" Dan states as he just gets to the point. I freeze as I open the drawer. What am I suppose to say? I'm not pregnant. I'm not ready to be pregnant. What am I suppose to say?
"I'm glad. I mean I'm not glad in that sense, but the timing wouldn't have been right" I reason
"But you wanted it?" Dan asked
"Are you asking if I planned to keep it?" I question as I'm unsure of what he's asking
"No. I meant did you want the doctor to say you were pregnant?" Dan asks as he walks towards me "Did some part of you want to make up for the first time?" he asks
"You're being cruel. That has nothing to do with anything" I tell him as my eyes begin to water
"It's okay if you did. I mean it's only natural after what you've gone through" Dan tells me
"I haven't gone through anything!….I didn't mourn. I didn't ache. I didn't do what a normal mother would've done at the sound of hearing you lost a child. I cried but a mere minute, but then it was back to Chuck. I didn't deserve a baby then and I don't deserve one now" I say as my emotions come spilling out.
"Don't say that. I happen to believe you deserve everything good in life, and you saying that…it's not true" Dan tells me
"It's the truth! Some people are meant to be mothers and some people are just meant to go without" I reply
"Yes, that may be true. I just think you think your curse will be to never get pregnant because you didn't appreciate it the first time around and it doesn't work like that" Dan tells me
"I know how it works!" I yell
"Then you should know that it wasn't your fault that you lost the baby. You were in a car accident, none of this is your fault" Dan says
"Yes, it is! I never wanted the child. I just saw it as another obstacle" I said
"Maybe, but your not being punished for that. There isn't some list that dooms women from ever having kids. It just wasn't our time" Dan tells me as a silence comes between us. The silence only breaks me down as all I'm left with are my thoughts.
"No matter what I do. No matter how hard I try to be better, I just feel like the one thing I can't fix is the fact that I lost my daughter. If there's anything I want most to be able to repair, I want to make things right with her" I cry
"And you will. You have. Every day you wake up, you make things right with her because you're becoming the woman she'd be proud of. You're becoming a woman ready to love and nurture, because when that time does come, you'll be ready to be something you weren't able to be then. You'll be capable to be a mother" Dan says as I just walk into his arms. I want him to never let go. I want to take his strength to have as my own because I feel like whatever is wrong, he can fight to make it right. Maybe now wasn't my time, but I hope that with each day that I'll be a step closer to it being my time.
December 18, 2013
Things have finally managed to settle down with my hectic life. With Christmas being just around the corner for me, I find that I want every last piece of business to be handled. I got my graduation organized to where all I have to do is show up. As soon as the New Year begins, I'll be graduating in the middle of January from Columbia University. Yay, for me. Humphrey is moving out by the end of the week, so it's been a major headache getting all his stuff out to New York then deciding what stuff to leave behind. Humphrey wasn't willing to part ways with his car, which isn't too surprising. What was a surprise was that he wanted to drive out to New York instead of fly out. We went back and forth on this, but he wanted to do it as a form of adventure. He wanted me to join in as a throwback to our road trip to Connecticut, but I had to pass on that forty one hour drive. I love him, but I need to be able to move around for a day.
I'm excited for him to move in. I even converted my office into a unisex to where it's not a complete feminist type of office for his tastes. Humphrey says he doesn't require much, but I know better than to just assume that he doesn't because he ultimately will. Dorota has managed to turn this into our project, which at times is useful but I fear she may have a mini crush on him. I guess it's all just crazy how one year can manage to change so much in my life. I thought I'd never to get to this place with Humphrey, but we've taken the long way to get here and I've enjoyed the journey.
This afternoon, I had to fly out to Hampton's for a runway show. I was excited for this new Michale Korrs line, that I forgot that business was involved in this trip. I think it became a little more leisure than anything. At the event, I got my usual front seat as I got an occasional reporter coming my way, asking about what I thought about the line. I absolutely loved Michael Korrs so there wasn't a bad thing to be said from me especially at his event. As the crowd began to filter in, I began to notice a familiar face sitting across the runway from me. I was a bit shocked to see him, but then I knew that he'd always show his clients around to the biggest events in the Hampton's.
Most of the show, I had no reason to look at him because all of my focus was on the stunning gowns. I must've made a list of gowns and shirts that I wanted to personally ask of the collection. I along with the other females in the crowd wanted more as he had only enhanced our addiction to all things fashion. After the show, I went to mingle with a few of my mother's friends. We discussed my involvement in the business and the work I was doing with our outreach programs that had encouraged others to do the same. It meant more competition for designers, but I was glad that I had inspired something to become a trend. Leann was good on giving me credit, so a part of me felt thankful that she was one that let me become my own leader rather than forced me into it. While talking with a few of the women, I wasn't too surprised that he had managed to make his way over towards me.
"You were always a fan of Korrs" Chuck whispers in my ear as I freeze for a moment before he eventually asks for us to have privacy "You look good Waldorf" he smiles
"You don't look so bad yourself Bass" I laugh to myself "Michael Korrs is business, nothing more. Well maybe a bit more for the personal" I tell him
"It's okay. We all have our addictions" Chuck smiles "So I guess I can dispel any thought that you came because you thought I'd be here?" he asks
"Aww, and there's that narcissist I hold dear" I laugh "No, I had no idea you'd be here" I tell him
"How have you been?" Chuck asks
"Good. Really good" I smile
"Are you happy?" Chuck asks "I mean are you really happy?" he questions as he walks towards me
"Yes, I'm really happy" I tell him "I'm finally comfortable" I add
"Good, because regardless of our past entanglements. I still want you to be happy" Chuck says "You'll always be number one to me, you know that right?" he says
"And maybe you'll find a girl to take me from that spot because you deserve that" I tell him
"Are the rumors true? You and Humphrey?" Chuck asks
"Yes. We're actually moving in together. We're serious" I tell him as he lowers his head trying to avoid my eyes "I'm in love with him" I add
"Yeah, I know. I figured you'd fall for him" Chuck laughs to himself "We had something passionate, but he was the one guy that I knew you'd need." he said
"I don't need Humphrey. Chuck, I needed myself" I reply "He's a great addition to my life, and being with him is great but a guy isn't what I needed" I tell him
"So us, it was never about anyone else?' Chuck asked
"Us was only about me" I reply "It's kind of scary how oblivious you are to me. I mean surely you had to see it, I wasn't happy. I was half a woman standing beside you" I told her
"Okay, I get it. Humphrey has made you all that you can be. I get it, you don't have to be cruel" Chuck replies as he seems a bit hurt but even then I'm in disbelief that he doesn't get it
"Chuck, I can break up with Dan today and I'd be fine. I don't need him to be happy or you for that matter, I'm happy because I finally feel secure in my own" I say "I loved you more than anything in this world, and while that love will always stay with me, I don't want to be that girl again. I let you have too much power over me, and for nothing…I didn't get you, I didn't even get a real half of you. I'm happy and it has nothing to do with any man" I said
"I guess the narcissist in me will always exist, especially with you. I will always love you, but I will always be grateful to you for being the one to let me go. I wasn't the man I wanted to be then, but…I've found someone that is making me realize that I can be and I thank you for that" Chuck laughs softly as I too can see that he's happy
"Now that, I'm happy for. Took you a while Bass, but I hope that you will get your fairy tale ending" I told him
"You know I don't believe in that stuff" Chuck replied
"You should. Makes things a bit more thrilling and gets the adrenaline pumping" I say
I was glad that I had talked to Chuck. Though it wasn't the usual pattern of us starting the cycle all over again, I was glad that we were able to talk and just let it be a conversation. The event as a whole was a great event because all things Michael Korr just are. I talked with other women that I would see at a daily function, but ultimately my biggest desire was to just back to where I felt comfortable. Going back to the hotel, I packed up my suitcase and called the pilot to tell him I'd be departing earlier than planned. The Hamptons was fun, but nothing could beat going back to sanity.
It was early in the morning before the car had dropped me off at his place. With his hoodie over his head with his usual sweat pants on, Humphrey waited at the end of his driveway as he waited for the car to come to a complete stop. Though I was supposed to head back to New York, I felt like a little stop off in San Jose was necessary because there was no place I wanted to be. I would probably regret it, but it was just something that I had to do. It was something that deep down was where I wanted to be. Helping me with my stuff, Humphrey couldn't wipe the laugh off of his face as he just couldn't stop looking at me. Once the driver drove off, Humphrey and I took to our usual banter as I just wrapped my arms around his waist as we walked. His car barely looked packed, but then again most of his stuff was all ready being sent over to my place.
"My little navigator" Dan jokes as he kisses the top of my head
"Is this all your stuff?" I ask as I break away from his embrace
"Basically. I just have a few random bags in the house" Dan sighed as we both leaned up against the trunk of the car "How was the Hampton's?" he asked
"It was good. I think I have a new Spring Collection that will slowly but surely every bit of your clothes will be etched out" I laugh as I know that I have to inform Humphrey on what happened "So I saw Chuck at the show" I mention as he lets out a deep sigh
"How'd that go?" Dan asks as he takes his hoodie off while he begins to play with his hair
"It went well" I told him
"Well as in things are like they were…." Dan began to say
"No, they're not like what they were. Why would you say that?" I ask
"Because it's Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. You never know what crazy will ensue" Dan sighed
"I'm not going to say I assure you, but I will say that my life is with you. I've grown up this past year and it's only made me grow more in love with you. I don't want to hurt you again, I saw what that did to you and I don't want to do it again or even risk it. You're the best part of me, and you make me feel strong and safe….that's something I don't want to run from nor do I want you to let me run away from" I tell him
"So I'm your future?" Dan asks
"Yes" I smile "I mean that's if you want to be in it? Let's also keep in mind that I'm about to embark upon a road trip with you" I told him
"You know, it takes serious commitment for two people to ride across country together" Dan said "I mean before was different because we….despised each other…" he said
"We did" I agreed
"It could all be different now. We're an actual couple. Then we do kind of love each other" Dan teased "But your good, every front?" he asked
"Everything is good" I smile as I lean over to grab his face before I press my lips against his whether he wants to kiss me or not. Laughing against my lips, Humphrey does little to hide the fact that he's happy. We're happy and I know this time around I got it right.
"Thank you for telling me" Dan mutters as he tries not to show his appreciation
"You should get used to listening to me because you're going to hear my voice all day long come tomorrow for our cross country road trip" I reply excitedly as he just shakes his head in disbelief, wondering what he's got himself in to.
Author's Note: The final chapter will be coming soon. I wanted to get some reader interaction on this, so what do you want to see in Blair's final chapter?
