Heads up, this one is really long. Also, I'd like to take this moment to thank my little brother for giving me so many of these great ideas and laughing like mad when I read them. Thanks bro!

But enough sentimentality, on with the skit!

And now… It's time for "The Overly-Polite Chef". Brought to you by Super Smash

Brother's Paper Towels. Can they stand up to a missile? No, but they sure can clean!

And now here's your host of "The Overly-Polite Chef"… Kirby McGodyousuck!

"Actually, my name is Kirby McKirbison, announcer sir."

Whatever.

Kirby frowns, but waves it off, "Good evening, morning, or when ever it is you are reading this segment!"

A studio audience member calls out, "Go jump in a ravine McGodyousuck!"

Kirby laughs nervously, "Thank you, you're opinion is duly noted. And that's McKirbison, sir. I understand if you have a poor memory with names but…" Someone chucks a milkshake at his head, which bounces off and leaves a large mess on his head. "Um, thank you, I needed that. Um… Today, we're going to make one of my personal favorites: Maxim Tomato Soup!" He wipes off the mess on his head and goes to his big pot.

"Okay, the first thing we need… is a fresh picked Maxim Tomato. You can usually find these in party balls, barrels, simply lying around, or in a crate. Could someone bring a crate in with our tomato?"

One of the technical workers yells "Head's up!" as the crate falls from the sky on top of McKirbison.

"Thank you," comes the pained reply from under the crate.

Two hours of pulling out splinters later…

"Well, we've got our crate; now let's see what's inside of it, shall we?" Kirby tosses the crate, breaking it and spilling the contents. "Oh look!" he cries out, "There's a Maxim Tomato! And over here we've got…a hamburger?" He scratches his head, "What am I gonna do with a hamburger?" His thoughts are interrupted by Fox, who Fireball tackles him and grabs the Burger.

"Oh, my precious beef by-product!" Fox coos, lovingly stroking his prize, "How long were you and I fated to be apart?" He looks to the camera, "What? I can stop any time I want to! I don't have a beef-related problem! Shut up!" and he runs off-screen with his meal.

Kirby, twitching on the ground, manages to say, "Thank you for taking that off my hands, I guess… If it's not too much trouble, could I get some medical aid? Thank you."

Three hours and two bottles of burn remedy later…

"Well, we got our tomato, and it's fresh too! You should always make sure you have fresh tomatoes, so your soups can have…Maxim-mum flavor!"

Someone in the studio audience throws a trophy and beans Kirby in the head, "Um, thank you… now I'm wide awake." Rubbing his head, McKirbison reads what's on the trophy, "'Awarded to the biggest idiot ever, Kirby McGodyousuck' Well, I guess it would be rude to refuse, but you spelled 'McGodyousuck' with a seven…" He returns to his giant pot, "Well, now that we have our main ingredient, we need one of the most widely used of all ingredients: Water! Now it seems our water has been cut off for the time being, so we're having someone bring some in to us."

Popo and Nana hop in to the scene. Kirby waves to them, "Hey there Popo! Hello Nana! How are you two today?"

"I'm fine," Popo begins, "But it appears I am now struggling with temporary narcolepsy."

"That's too bad." Kirby says, "And maybe you should explain to our audience what that is."

Popo turns to the camera, "Well kids, Narcolepsy is a rare sleeping disorder. People affected by it will spontaneously fall…" his head droops, and he begins snoring. Nana snaps her fingers in front of his face, "…Asleep!" he finishes.

"Well, that seems serious. With all due respect, do you have the water? I was just showing the studio audience how to make my famous Maxim Tomato soup and…"

"Maxim Tomato soup?" Nana interrupts, "I love Maxim Tomato soup! Don't worry; we'll get that water, right Popo? Uh…Popo?" Popo had fallen asleep again, curled up in the spice rack. "WAKE UP!"

Popo falls out of the spice rack and stands up, leaping around like a madman saying, "What? What? Are the Saxons invading again? Should I get… the… fudge…catapult?" A long moment of silence… "What?"

After a few minutes explaining the situation, the two Ice Climbers were off. A few minutes afterwards, Nana calls from above the set, "We found some ice! Is ice good?"

Kirby nodded, "It's just water at a different temperature. Sure, bring it on down!"

"Ok, Popo, now get around to the other side of the block. No, your other other side. I don't know what I mean by that means! Just hold it and make sure it doesn't come down too fast, so… Popo? Oh, don't you dare fall asleep on me here. I can't hold it by myself! Head's up!"

The ice block comes falling down on Kirby's head, a giant block that squishes him like the crate.

"Thank you…" he says from under the very large object again.

Two hours, three sledge hammers, four bottles of medicine for frostbite, and one very long look and McKirbison's life insurance policy later…

"Well, that was a very dangerous experience, but I told the Ice climbers… it was cool." Kirby flinches, and then stands normally when he realizes nothing is going to happen. And then someone throws a shoe at him. "Who throws a shoe? It's a nice shoe though… Well anyway, now that we have our ingredients and our water, it's time to turn on the stove. So let's get our trusty lighter here to start the…" he paws around the counter, "My lighter is gone. Did someone take my lighter?"

Meanwhile…

Sure enough, a building was burning down just a few blocks down the road. Marth burst from the main room, running down the hall, screaming, "Women and men too sexy to be roasted alive first!" He pulled Roy behind him, "Stay back there, maybe your stupidity is flame retarded!"

Samus ran along side the blue-haired warrior, "Don't you mean 'flame retardant?'"

Marth gave the bounty hunter the most hateful look, "No!" (Disclaimer: I apologize. I am not making fun of anyone, just Roy.)

Samus slowed down, "That's not nice…"

Marth sighed, "Don't think, just run. Run, man, RUN!"

"I'm a woman you know."

Marth skidded to a halt, "Cracker WHAT?"

Back to the show!

"Well, I'd ask you for a light, but the last time I did that…"

Flashback!

The studio was on fire. Marth was running from the set, screaming, "Women and men too sexy to be roasted alive first!"

Very short Flashback over!

"Yeah, that didn't go so well…"

Bowser meanders on set and promptly takes a pepper from a jar.

"Um… Bowser be careful!" Kirby warns, "Those peppers are really spicy!"

Bowser laughs, "Do you honestly believe that I, and evil turtle based overlord, with the power to breathe fire, would be defeated by a simple pepper?" He swallowed the odd colored pepper in one bite.

"Those are the McKirbison family Secret Twenty-Seven Alarm Peppers. They could melt the snow off the top of a mountain from the base…"

Bowser's face went beet red, than he breathed fire on the only semi-suspecting chef, then he calmly walked off as though nothing had happened. Kirby, now once again a charred Kirby ball, exhaled smoke, which spelled the words "Thank you…"

Five hours, twenty burn remedies, more than a few fire extinguishers, and one really long time card later…

Kirby slumped over the giant pot, which contained the finished soup. Luigi meanders onto the set and gives a little taste test, spitting it out. "Mama Canoli! This soup tastes like-a monkey's back-a-side!"

Kirby stands up, suddenly very inflated, quivering with bottled up rage, "WHAT! I'll have you know that I've been flattened by a crate, tackled by a flaming junkie, crushed by a very large block of ice, immolated by a turtle and special seasoning, and clocked repeatedly on the head with various objects all while making this crummy soup for an audience that can't even remember my FREAKIN' name! And you intend to tell me that you think it tastes like a LEMUR'S HIND END?"

"Actually, I said a monkey's back-a-side…"

Kirby picks up the nearest frying pan and leaps for Luigi. "AAAAAALIAGIANIAGHIRAPIE!"

We are experiencing technical difficulties please stand by…

"Hi, this is Marth reminding you: always remember the proper procedure when a fire occurs. Namely, get out of my way, and try to make sure Roy bravely sacrifices himself.

The More You Know…