The last episode has affected me just as much as you. I'm angry and hurt how they decided to go on. I've read so many of your posts and felt the desperation over the loss. I'm so sad myself, but I decided one thing. They can take Lexa only away from us on screen. She's still alive in this fantastic fandom. You guys are phenomenal. I've seen so many awesome drawings over the last couple of month, listened to mind blowing music composed by some and read stories so creative it left me stunned. We cannot let Lexa die in our fandom. That would be truly heart breaking. So I decided I'll keep her alive by continuing to write. This story and more. I will not let her be forgotten. This strong woman, who taught all of us to be who we are and stand up for what we are deserved better and I hope and pray that many of you come back and keep her equally alive in their stories. It would be even more heart breaking if we fell apart. We are a family. We are Lexa.
So, having said that, this chapter was difficult to write. I hope some things clear up for both Clarke and Lexa and for you reader. Enjoy!
Day 6
She did not expect Clarke to ask 'that' question. Green eyes widened and her mouth opened in surprise. She closed it again, unable to make a sound, her throat choking at the lump growing bigger by the second, but she still tried to swallow around it.
"What?" She wheezed past the restriction.
Clarke released her out of the tight embrace and stepped back a little, confusion written all over her face. "I asked, if you want to -"
"I heard you…" Lexa interrupted voice just above a whisper, emotions welling up inside her, threatening to bubble to the surface. Green stared into blue, and Lexa felt her heard break and soar at the same time. How could anyone expect her to hurt Clarke, the beautiful, magnificent angel send from heaven? She closed her eyes, quickly sucked in a breath before closing the small space between them, kissing a cold cheek and breathed "I'd love to be your girlfriend if you really want me."
Instead of an answer she felt the softest kiss evolve on her lips leaving a tingling sensation on heated flesh. When she opened her eyes she saw a playful glint brightening blue eyes. "I really want you." Clarke rasped, and a wicked grin played at the corner of her mouth seeing Lexa's pupils dilating and feeling her heartbeat quicken. "To be my girlfriend." She teasingly finished her sentence. A low growl was all she could hear before feeling strong hands on her hips. Within a blink of an eye Lexa reversed their positions, pushed Clarke against the wall and captured her hands with strong fingers lifting them above the blonde's head.
"Fuck!" Clarke exhaled audible and pressed her hips into Lexa's who busied herself leaving a trail of kisses along her neck, biting and sucking in turns. "Wait… Lexaaahmm…" She moaned her name loudly after a hard nip at her sensitive pulse point. Upon hearing the stop signal Lexa licked over the bruised skin and left a final kiss. "Sorry." She breathed, voice tinted with lust, panting heavily still close enough to feel their mingled breaths on her lips, her eyes never leaving the blue orbs full of passion and desire, daring her to get lost forever. Clarke slowly shook her head, not wanting a sorry, calming her heart, whilst playing with the pendant on the long necklace around the brunette's neck, biting her lip, she finally spoke. "Soooo… upstairs?" She surrendered to her want and echoed her earlier invitation.
"I shouldn't."
"But you want to?" She smiled sensuously.
"God woman, you're killing me here!" Lexa laughed out loud, trying to ease the charged atmosphere.
"I was planning on doing so a little more satisfyingly, if you were to let me." Lexa swallowed hard and considered for a fraction of a second to accept Clarke's summon to follow her up to her apartment. They stared at each other, eyes wandering from one to the other, gauging reactions and searching for indications of a decision. It was Clarke who finally put an end to their limbo.
"You're right." She exhaled a breath, holding onto the jewellery.
"Babe," Lexa whispered lifting the hand playing with her chain, "if you were to let me make love to you, you would have to let me own you." She stilled nervous fingers and pressed a kiss on the knuckles. "We've got time."
Part of Lexa wanted to kick herself but the bigger part wanted to do right by Clarke. She couldn't use the euphoria of a wonderful evening, she had originally planned to be a disaster date and get the ultimate price at the end. She had to leave, before she regretted not following upon her cravings. She took a step back and felt cold air hitting the heated skin from where she had been pressed against the blonde, further clearing her mind.
"Wow." Clarke smiled sweetly at the sentiment and nodded. "Ok."
"Can I call you tomorrow?" Lexa returned the soft smile and caressed the beautiful face in front of her with her thumb.
"You don't need my permission to call me."
"I'll always ask." She replied, stroking over a plump bottom lip before replacing her thumb with her mouth, kissing her goodbye.
She finally moved out of Clarke's personal space and fished her keys out of her pocket.
"Till tomorrow then." She waved before climbing back into the car.
"Tomorrow." Clarke agreed and opened the door, turning back to the woman in the car and smiling one last time, before slipping into the building. When she heard the door falling into its lock, Lexa drove off with a tranquil smile on her lips.
"I'm almost afraid to ask how it went yesterday." Anya carefully approached her friend who was sat at the kitchen counter, performing her morning routine of sipping coffee whilst reading the news on her phone.
"Then don't ask." She didn't look up.
"That bad, huh?" Anya stopped in front of the counter.
"Well, actually… I guess you should sit down." Lexa finally looked up from her phone and patted the stool next to her, offering a cup.
"Oh god… I won't like it, will I? Shit Lex, what have you done this time?"
"For a change exactly what we had agreed on." Anya looked at her, confusion grazing her features. "Not my fault, Octavia had mixed up the preference." Lexa divulged eventually. The kitchen fell silent and brown eyes became as round as saucers, before both broke out into a loud fit of laughter, doubling over.
"This is priceless Lex!" She squeezed out between sucking in air. "There you are, planning a nightmare and getting bliss. How was it then?" She settled back on the chair and looked expectantly, eager to hear all about it. Lexa leaned back as well, eyes fixed on somewhere in the distance, recalling the evening.
"No fucking way!" Anya burst out after she'd finished. "I'm happy for you, but what will you do now?"
"I don't know. I'll call her later and see if she has time for me, but maybe I should give her space to think, if she really wants to be with me and not some fantasy. I'm not sure, if she was only overwhelmed by the evening."
"Um, I actually meant in regards of your assignment." Anya brought up the elephant, she's been avoiding successfully until now.
"Oh!" Lexa visibly sunk into herself. "I should probably find something big to make her dump me to stop this bullshit and win her back for good. This is so fucked." Back was the melancholy in her eyes and she let her head fall onto the counter.
"I don't know. If you really hurt her now, you might lose her for good. Well, let's not jump ahead of ourselves. Call her and see what her plans are. We'll think of something." She patted her back and stood up, leaving the younger woman to wallow in self-pity for a little.
Clarke met up with Octavia at the gallery to join Raven for lunch to finalize their evening plans. She had called the rest of the gang and all were excited for their friend's night. They sat in a corner booth in a small diner close to the gallery and argued about the logistics.
"Leave the booze to Jas and Monty and I can bring snacks. You set up the consoles." Octavia offered but Raven shook her head.
"Leave it to them and they'll kill us with the bloody moonshine. Remember last time?"
"But I don't have a car, and I'm not carrying the heavy bottles all over town. You do it then!"
"Ok fine, but someone needs to help me get the stuff home." They turned to look at Clarke who hadn't said anything in a while resting her head on her arm with a lost expression and a dopey smile.
"What happened to her?" Raven asked amused waving a hand in front of her to snap her out of her daydreaming.
"She saw Lexa yesterday." Octavia laughingly revealed for the blonde.
"Ooooooh, you know details?"
"Nope, she hasn't said anything yet."
"She can hear you." Clarke suddenly said, focusing her eyes on her friends. "I can help you Ray, let me know when you need me." She took a bite of her lunch and ignored the probing glances of her friends.
"How was it?"
"Good."
"That's it? That's all we get?"
"Yup." She picked languidly at her salad, ignoring the prying eyes, when her plate was pulled away leaving her stabbing the table. "Hey!"
"Spill the beans Griffin!"
"Mind your own business! You two are a nightmare." She gestured to the plate. "Give it back!"
"Na ah… lunch for details." Raven put the plate out of reach and resumed eating her pasta.
"Fine!" She sighed dramatically. "She took me to see a musical." Clarke revealed, crossing her arms in front of her, slumming into the seat.
"What?" Octavia looked up from her plate. "I thought you hated musicals!"
"Huh? No I love them. They're fresh and fun and entertaining."
"Wow, good thing she misunderstood me then." She mumbled under her breath.
"What was that?"
"She came in a couple of days ago with her friend checking out the gym."
"And why would that lead to giving her dating advice?" Clarke was suspiciously eyeing Octavia who in turn cringed at the intense gaze.
"She just asked what you would prefer, a musical or theatre. I think I told her you'd love theatre but maybe I mixed it up. I don't even know anymore."
"Oh? Well, she was very insecure about her choice for the date. Maybe she wasn't sure she understood correctly?" Clarke wondered.
"Hello? Can you not do this, it doesn't matter? You had an awesome evening, full stop!" Raven interrupted impatiently. "I'm more interested in hearing if you had an incredible night as well?" She grinned toothily.
"You are unbelievable." Clarke laughed, dismissing the weird information she'd received from Octavia for the benefit of sharing the rest of the night.
"You're officially dating? Exclusively?"
"Yup."
"Ooooh, that's smooth. Now it's only a matter of days to make her say it." Raven excitedly summed up to which Octavia disapprovingly raised an eyebrow.
"Um, Clarke? Didn't you plan to quit the bet?"
"Nooo, you said I should quit O."
"And now?" She shook her head in disappointment.
"It'll be alright." The blonde lowered her head, unsure of how much of her true feelings she should reveal at this point. "I like her." She murmured and added almost as an afterthought, "a lot".
"Wait!" Raven interfered again. "Are you falling for her?" Instead of an answer, Clarke blushed and turned her face away. "Shit, you are, aren't you?" She gently turned Clarke's head to face her. "Wow."
"I'm not an idiot Ray. She's just… God I don't know. She's amazing."
"It started as a game but she ended up falling in love with her." Raven concluded.
"I'm not in love!"
"Not yet." They replied simultaneously. Clarke rolled her eyes at her friends and pointed to her plate. "Now, can I get my lunch back? I'm starving."
It was already afternoon and Lexa still hadn't managed to call Clarke. She felt more nervous the longer she evaded her. What if she'd awoken this morning and had realized her feelings weren't as strong as she'd thought the previous night? Could she handle the rejection? This would be personal. It would be Lexa who was dumped instead of the journalist with the stupid assignment. She shifted in her seat, staring at her computer screen. Maybe that was a good thing. This way she could stop the nonsense, write the article and try to win her over.
"Stop thinking so loud and call her already." Anya mumbled from her side of the office. Instead of an answer, Lexa stood up and walked over to the small balcony, to find some privacy. She relaxed against the banister and let her eyes wander over the city, before finally hitting the call button.
"Hi." Clarke picked up after the second ring, sounding out of breath.
"Hi. Bad timing to call you?"
"No, no. It's fine. I just came back from lunch and had to run to make it in time back to the gallery." There was a pause, followed by the distinct sound of keys in a lock. "How are you?" She asked after closing the door.
"I'm good." Lexa laughed nervously. "Great actually. You?"
"I'm great too." Clarke replied with a big smile on her face.
"So, I was wondering if you had plans for tonight?"
"Actually, I do." Her smile fell quickly off her face. "I'm sorry."
"Oh. Ok. No worries. What are you doing?" Lexa tried to keep her voice emotionless.
"Um, friend's night at Raven's." When she didn't hear a reply, she continued. "Just a bunch of my weirdo friends and a contest of Mario Cart. Nothing fancy really." She wasn't sure why she tried to play it down as she really looked forward to hanging out with her buddies.
"Sounds cool." She lost the fight with her emotions and the response came out somewhat distanced. She never handled being turned down well. It happened too often to her.
"Are you ok? "
"Yeah. Sure. You don't have to spend every minute with me, Clarke." She snapped, angry at herself for feeling unable to just wish her a nice night.
"What do you mean?" The biting comment left her scrunching her nose in confusion.
At that Lexa stopped for a second to think about her next step. She hated being jealous of Clarke's friends for spending time with her, so she tried to shake it off. "Nothing, forget it. It's all good." She tried with a lighter voice to convince her.
"I have the day off tomorrow. I'd love to spend it with you." Clarke tried to reassure, feeling the uncertainty of their new relationship seeping through the phone.
"Are you sure? You don't have to do that."
"I know, but I'd love to spend the day with my girlfriend, if she wants to." She repeated; her sincerity evident in her soft deep voice. A short laugh of embarrassment about her previous silliness invades the silence, before Lexa spoke again. "In that case, I'll take the day off for you."
"Awesome."
"Cool, you want me to pick you up?"
"Um, I first have to think of something. I'll let you know if we need a car."
"Alright then. I'm looking forward to spending the day with you." She smiled, feeling warmth spreading through her body at the prospect of being with the blonde for the day.
"Me too!" Clarke laughed happily. "Talk to you later?"
"Sure. Later."
"Bye."
Lexa hung up and placed her phone back in her pants. She nearly screwed up, and not in a way she would have preferred.
"Jealous little heart eyes…" She jumped at the sound of Anya's voice.
"Fuck you."
"Nope. Not happening, but I know what'll happen tonight." She laughed, replying mysteriously to Lexa who raised an eyebrow at the cryptic answer.
"Care to elaborate?"
"Get out of my way Jasper! That's manipulation that is!"
"It's not manipulation you just suck at this O!"
"I'm not."
"Ouch!"
"Kiddos, why can't you play nicely?" Clarke yelled from the kitchen to her friends sitting on the floor in front of Raven's entertainment centre consisting of a TV, blue-ray player and two game consoles. She turned back to Monty, who had been busy preparing drinks and grinned, whilst playing with her phone.
"Why are you too cool to play with us?" Octavia hollered back and Raven popped her head around the corner and added, "Yeah Clarke, what the hell?"
Monty lifted his hands in mock surrender, lifted the glasses and walked past Raven to join the others with the fresh cocktails. "Why are you hiding in here? Are you antisocial cos you're missing someone?"
"Shut up. I'm -" Before she could answer, her phone vibrated on the table top. Raven snatched it quickly and looked at the screen.
"Stunning writer? Really Clarke? Wow, that's so lame! What happened to bet beauty?"
"She changed into this gorgeous, fascinating woman and now, excuse me." Raven laughed and made a whipping sound, but was ignored as irritation took over the blonde's features.
"What's wrong?"
"No idea." Clarke held out the phone for the brunette to read.
Lexa 'stunning writer' (20:34): I miss you. Can I get Raven's address? Please?
"Wow, clingy much huh?"
"It's not clingy at all." Clarke replied protectively. "I miss her too."
"Well, I don't know what to advice you. I'm sure the guys won't mind much, but we had the rule of no partners…"
"That's because Maya kicked your sorry asses the last time."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Raven laughed and turned to her living room. "Hey guys, Clarke's squeeze is lonely. You mind her showing up?"
"Ray!" The blonde scolded but didn't correct her.
"Who? Lexa?" Octavia looked questioningly.
"The girl you took to dinner at ours?" Monty turned from his spot on the couch to look at the two women in the doorframe.
"How many girls do you idiots think I'm dating simultaneously?" Clarke snapped, annoyed to have to get her friends acceptance. "Seriously?"
"It's cool. I don't mind. That would make us an even number." Clarke walked over and sat next to Monty, giving him a grateful smile.
Clarke 'ravishing artist' (20:40): I miss you too. If you want you could come over. It's ok with the guys.
Lexa 'stunning writer' (20:45): Are you sure? I don't want to impose.
Clarke 'ravishing artist' (20:46): Why did you ask for the address if you don't want to come?
Lexa 'stunning writer' (20:46): I never said I don't want to come.
What the hell, Clarke blinked in irritation at Lexa's messages. What's happened with the confident woman who could steal her breath with a glance? Maybe she's had a tough day and just needed some cuddling, she thought.
Clarke 'ravishing artist' (20:48): Lexa, if YOU want to come over, I'm happy to see you.
"And? She coming?" Monty stole some popcorn out the bowl in Clarke's lab.
"I don't know, still waiting for a reply." Clarke checked her phone again. It's been 5 minutes, since she'd sent her text.
"So, you like her huh?"
"Is it that obvious?" Clarke smiled bashfully.
"It is, but only cos you know, you're safe to express your feelings." She glanced at him thankfully and checked her phone again. Nothing. Maybe she was already on her way? Or maybe she decided not to come? Should she have offered to pick her up?
"Wow, you look like you're weighing up a war plan in that head of yours?" Octavia pushed Monty aside and plopped down next to her, placing the snack into her own lab.
"Huh?"
"I don't like you questioning yourself princess."
"I'm not." She retorted.
"Well, I know you. We had that conversation. Relax."
"I don't think that was a good idea. I'm nervous and afraid I'll blow it."
"Well, I know, but let the writer in you play her role and do her job. Relax."
Anya ended up dragging Lexa over to Raven's, by forcing her to put on some jeans and shirt, and pushing her all the way to the car.
"Come on, we're here. Get out now."
"Take me back, please. I think I'm going to be sick."
"Perfect, try aiming for her body and see if that'll get a rise out of her. I'm sure 'vomiting all over your date' is not expected to be included in your research." Anya laughed at her own joke and got out of the car. She walked around and opened the passenger door.
"No please. Just let me."
"You're hilarious. Lexa, I mean it. Get out now! She's probably worrying cos you haven't texted back."
"What? You'd said you would reply when you'd pushed me into the shower, Anya!"
"Ups, might have forgotten. Age related issues."
"Fuck!" Lexa released the seatbelt and slowly crawled out of the car.
"Now, go have fun. Call me when you're done."
"When I'm done? I'm not a hooker!"
"Whatever… later gator." Anya got back into the car and drove off with a wave.
"Shit." Lexa whispered before knocking. "Here goes nothing."
"I'll get it." Octavia jumped up and sprinted to the door, followed by Clarke hot on her heels.
"No you don't." They jostled for superiority, but miscalculated the distance and crashed loudly into the wood. "Fuck O!"
"Clarke, stop pushing me!"
Lexa took a step back staring at the closed entrance with wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows. "What the…" When it opened, she came face to face with Octavia on top of Clarke, grinning at each other.
"Oh, I didn't… mean to… disturb… you." She slowly expressed watching the two getting up and dusting each other off.
"You haven't." Octavia stepped aside to let her in, watching Clarke's eyes darkening a shade gaping at the low cut jeans, hugging Lexa's ass promisingly. "When Clarke's done ogling she might say so herself."
"Fuck off O!" She stepped around Lexa and hugged her tightly. "Hi."
"Hi." She smiled and leaned in for a peck on the blonde's lips.
"Hi." Clarke repeated laughingly and linked her hand with Lexa's. "Come on, I'll introduce you." She pulled her towards the kitchen, where her friends had started a marshmallow fight. "Guys?" She called out to get their attention and promptly felt fluffy sweets bombarding her face. "Hmpf. Really?" She muttered and turned to Lexa. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't!" Lexa stopped her. "It's funny." She picked one tiny white square off Clarke's hair and put it in her mouth. "And sweet."
"Aaaaaw, young love!" Raven exclaimed standing up from behind the counter raising her arms to indicate the end of the attack. Clarke grinned embarrassed at her choice of words and bit her lip in embarrassment, whilst Lexa lowered her head to hide her blush behind a curtain of curly hair.
"When you're done making fun… this is Lexa." She gestured to her friends, "Monty, Octavia and Raven you've met and that is Jasper, the chef you wanted to compliment."
"Hi." She waved, eying Octavia suspiciously, unsure whether Clarke knew about her asking the women for help. If she knew would she still want to be with her? Wouldn't she ask her about it? Did Octavia know she had taken her to a musical after telling she didn't like them? Lexa was slowly entering panic mode but when the fitness trainer kept smiling fondly at her, without any hint of resentment, she turned relieved to face Jasper. "Your food is delicious."
"Oh, I like her already. Keep her Clarke!"
"I'm so sorry. I knew that would happen." She apologized again and tugged her along into the living room.
"It's ok. I'm sorry I invited myself. And I'm sorry for my outfit. I couldn't find anything else. Anya had started doing the laundry."
"I like your outfit."
"You don't think the jeans are too low? I'm not really wearing them because of that."
"Are you for real? The jeans sit perfect on you. You look perfect."
"I don't know. I think, I should change them."
"Lexa, really. No, come here." She pulled her back into a hug and whispered, "I meant it, when I said you look perfect. These jeans…" she hooked her fingers through the front belt loops on each side of the fly and pulled a little. "… will be the death of me." Lexa moaned quietly but caught herself quickly. She couldn't lose herself to the dream that was Clarke Griffin. Not yet.
"Is that all you can think about?" She pushed against the blonde and put her best accusing expression on display.
"If you look like that…" Clarke hadn't looked up, too busy caressing the skin above the belt loops with her fingers. Lexa eyes fluttered shut at the ministrations but she didn't allow herself the bliss. She stopped wandering fingers and lifted her head to look at her. "Is that all you want me for?" Clarke finally focused at her girlfriend and her eyes widened, realizing her mistake. "No, you're not. I mean. What?"
Lexa wriggled out of the embrace and briskly walked towards the entrance. Before she could reach the door, strong fingers closed around her wrist and pulled her into the bathroom.
"Ok Lexa, what's going on?" Clarke asked tiredly.
I'm just trying all clichés at once on you, Lexa thought but answered. "You don't have to be so mean!" She leaned against the counter and crossed her arms.
"What are you talking about? I just want to know what's happening." Clarke leaned against the wall on the other side, giving them enough space to breathe.
"I'm just hurt you're not interested in what I think. I'm not a slab of meat."
"I'm so sorry. That wasn't my intention." Clarke lowered her head and inhaled slowly.
"What was it then?" Lexa wanted to stop and take her into her arms, but she couldn't screw up again, and so she watched and saved each reaction to her mental list of 'juicy additional information', hearing Nia's words in her head.
Clarke lifted her head and fixed her eyes onto Lexa's and replied hoarsely, "I can't help it, but you turn me on."
Lexa expected anything but such an honest confession. She gulped visibly and tried to control the onslaught of arousal flushing through her veins, bundling between her thighs. Damnit, she cursed, mentally unprepared for such a revelation.
"What's this really about?" Clarke pushed herself off the wall, having witnessed Lexa's reaction to her words, seen her masking the response of her statement by crossing her legs. She slowly moved to Lexa and placed her hands on the counter. Flashbacks of her trapping the brunette against the car came back and she smiled sadly, remembering the outcome of the position. "I'm sorry." She straightened and held her hands up, before running one through her hair to keep them busy.
Lexa had silently watched her, witnessing a variety of emotions flashing over the soft features and she reached out unable to stifle her need to hold her.
"I'm sorry too." She pulled her in and wrapped her up in herself, burying her nose in the blonde's neck, inhaling her unique scent. A flavour Lexa could smell late in the night, branded into her memory. After a while she whispered into the silence "Shall we go back?"
Clarke scanned her face for signs of discomfort but couldn't find any. She finally nodded, still confused at the whole conversation but left the bathroom to join the others.
"Where the hell have you been?" Octavia asked and everyone looked up surprised.
"Had a little talk." Clarke replied vaguely, still trying to make sense of the situation.
"Talk?"
"Leave it." Raven shrugged at the response, knowing to drop the subject at that. They settled closely on the couch, to give space to the others and watched them play games while holding hands and cuddling.
"Hey Clarke? You owe me a game. I'm cashing in now. Sorry Lexa, I have to take your girlfriend off of you. You'll get her back, promise." Jasper pulled a reluctant Clarke off the couch and let her fall on the floor, dropping the game console on top of her. Lexa smiled at the antics, shrugging at the comment.
"Fine. One game." Clarke settled into her gaming position, legs crossed with a pillow on her lab. Jasper pressed start and both immediately went into game mode, pushing each other with their shoulders.
"Oh no…"
"Hell yeah…"
Everyone was focused on the TV following the close race between their friends, everyone but Lexa. She was watching Clarke, losing herself in the beauty a few feet away, with a soft, content smile playing around her mouth and admiration obvious in her eyes, unaware of another inquisitive pair curiously watching her instead of the game. Raven smiled to herself upon the information she'd just gathered. Lexa might have acted weirdly today, but when she thought no one was looking, Raven found what she wanted to see.
At the end Clarke lost to Jasper, who jumped excitedly at the unexpected win.
"Finally!"
"Congrats!" She offered half-assed, her eyes already searching the green across the room.
"My turn." Octavia snatched the device out of Clarke's hands and flopped into her lab, making her groan out in pain. "Hey!" Everyone halted their movements and looked at Lexa who had stood up and was angrily staring down at the fitness trainer. "Watch it. You're hurting her." She walked over and towered above her.
"Lexa, it's ok. I'm not hurt." Clarke tried to smooth out the situation, pushing her friend out of her lab but Lexa kept an unwavering glare on Octavia who glared back. "That's it. Come on." Clarke stood up and took her hand and dragged her out of the backdoor onto the patio, away from prying ears.
"What was that?" Raven asked for everyone still too astounded to articulate the thought.
"No idea." They stumbled over each other to watch the scene unfold outside.
Clarke pulled Lexa further away from the house, knowing her curious friends would probably eavesdrop.
"What are you doing?" Lexa complained against the pushing, stumbling over her feet.
"That's exactly what I wanted to ask you?"
"She hurt you, I wanted to help you. I'm surprised I've got to explain myself."
"Oh god, Lexa, she didn't hurt me. Thanks for sticking up for me, but I'm quite capable of doing that myself."
"Ok then. Fine!" Lexa exclaimed.
"What's really up with you tonight? Have I done something wrong?"
Lexa lowered her head to avoid eye contact. "No you haven't." Clarke kept quiet, watching the woman squirm under her questioning gaze.
"What are you thinking?" Lexa finally asked, wondering sincerely what was on Clarke's mind as she couldn't fathom how she herself would react to a scene like this.
"Not thinking at all." Clarke dodged the question. "Waiting for you to tell me what's going on."
"You cannot not think." Lexa answered emotionless.
"I can think of nothing important, which equals to not thinking."
"You think I'm not important." Living with Anya certainly helped Lexa right now with twisting the words. Her friend had it perfected and she would use it whenever she pleased.
"What? That doesn't make sense. I never said you weren't important." Clarke was more than confused and was starting to get seriously frustrated.
"Don't answer my questions with a question."
"God, Lexa. Really? You're a pain tonight. Can I do anything right?" The moment the words left her mouth, she wanted to pull them back in and swallow and pretend she'd never thought this way, but Lexa had heard her and an angry glint flared within those deep green eyes.
"I am a pain?" She growled lowly, gone was the pretended anger as the words triggered emotions she'd thought she'd worked through. "Well, maybe you'd rather be with Octavia then?"
"What!" Clarke opened and closed her mouth like a fish on dry land. No further sound emanated from her body, too stunned to reply.
"Don't play stupid. You jumped each other earlier and clearly enjoyed it!" Hot rage consumed her from inside, and Lexa tried helplessly to swallow the pain of the past, to focus on the obviously non-compromising character of the situation she had witnessed earlier the night rather than her shattering memories from years ago, but failing miserably at that. "Damn me for interrupting you when I arrived unannounced." She spat out, willing the tears in her eyes not to fall. She sucked in a ragged breath and tried to steady her frantic heartbeat. Lexa was so fixated on calming her body she forgot she wasn't back alone on that the cold kitchen floor, submerged in pieces of a lie she'd believed to be true and falling apart into a sobbing mess. Clarke's words had opened a Pandora box of raw emotional baggage for Lexa. She'd come here to tease Clarke, to try out typical behaviour patterns but she'd become the victim of her own fucked up yesterdays.
Tentative fingers drew tender patterns on her arm and pulled her back into the real world, leaving her looking at the woman in front of her in utter confusion. She wasn't Costia. She wasn't in her old apartment. That wasn't the reality. Lexa blinked a few times, eyes flickering between Clarke's, trying to guess the variety of emotions within them. She thought she could see hurt, after the unfair incrimination of unfaithfulness, and guilt, for insulting her. The brunette was surprised it had taken Clarke so long to finally show her frustration and lash out. What she hadn't foreseen, that had taken her completely by surprise, was sympathy, which had replaced the scowl and furrowed brows after the initial shock. Clarke's eyes softened, a small smile formed around her lips and she stepped closer towards Lexa, taking both her hands and guiding them towards a bench.
"I'm sorry."
Due to the ministrations of the woman who meant so much to her already, Lexa felt the cold, which had captured her insides slowly leave. She leaned back and closed her eyes only to open them seconds later when Clarke spoke again.
"When we talked earlier you seemed upset already, at not being able to see each other, and later you'd messaged you were missing me. I should have known that you needed me. Maybe you'd had a bad day or were feeling unwell. I don't know, because I've neglected to ask you, and then finally you'd arrived here and had to see a bewildering situation between O and me. I don't know what happened to you before me, but I've never met a person, life hadn't screwed over and spit out. I should have been more considerate." While she talked, she caressed Lexa's hand with her thumb, softly and reassuringly. Clarke's eyes were trained on hers and she felt, without having to hear the words, she was the centre of her attention and mind, making her feel grateful for understanding and awful for the trouble she had put her through earlier.
"I said it once and I'll say it again, I wouldn't have started dating you, if I wasn't available. I …I like you, Lexa." Clarke quickly swallowed her almost lapse of spilling feelings she wasn't aware she had until this second. "Please believe me when I say, nothing was, is or will happen between me and any of my friends." Lexa slowly nodded and opened her mouth to apologize but was stopped with a gentle finger against her lips. She smiled shyly and kissed the digit, before a warm mouth replaced it. The kiss was slow and unhurried, full of unspoken emotions. After a few moments Clarke pulled away and settled against the bench and slowly started speaking. "My dad died a couple of years ago. He was…" She paused, staring up into the sky as if expecting him to magically appear in form of a stellar constellation. A cold hand slipped into hers and she turned and whispered, "Sorry." Clarke whispered, but Lexa quickly shook her head to indicate it wasn't needed.
"My dad..." She stopped again, exhaling a miserable laugh. "My dad was the best dad one could ask for. My parents were the greatest. Together they were a dream team, facing any storm and any disaster united and strong. He would take me to the beach and explain nature to me, whilst mum would just sit calmly next to us, smiling and stroking his arm. The love was so pure and so consuming. My parents filled me with their love. When my dad died, my mum stopped living as well. The light, the love, the warmth… everything vanished the second my dad stopped breathing." Tears were running, chasing each other on soft skin and Lexa's heart broke at the vision. Clarke definitely wasn't 'a Costia'. She scolded herself for the unnecessary outburst and squeezed the hand in hers, anchoring the blonde. When she'd started the charade earlier in the evening, she'd never have guessed, the night would turn out like this.
"So, when he was gone, I lost all love I'd known. I started drinking heavily as a substitute for the affection my mum couldn't give me anymore, although I begged her to just hold me. It was Raven and Octavia, who picked me up at bars, when I was too drunk to know what was reality and what wasn't due to double vision. They drove me home and put me to bed. Raven constantly argued with my mum about the situation, trying to help but Octavia held me, cleaned my mess and made me feel loved again. After a while, they didn't drop me off at my family home but at one of theirs. At the end my mum had enough of me going MIA for days and kicked me out for good. I'd grovelled before her, begged her to take me in and love me like a mother was supposed to. She'd laughed bitterly and said she'd forgotten how to love." Lexa was shocked and speechless. Never in her life had she thought something like that could have happened to Clarke, a person so full of love for her life and her friends. She started to comprehend the enormous patience she'd displayed the last days. Someone who had lost everything fought harder and faced challenges instead of running away or giving up.
"Anyway, they saved me. Quite literally if the stories they told me were true." She looked up from her hands and turned to Lexa. "So, if me having a close relationship with Raven or Octavia is a problem, you and I have a bigger problem."
"Don't." Lexa said quietly. "Please know you don't have to explain yourself. I'm sorry. I overreacted. I shouldn't have."
"Why did you do it?" Lexa bit her lower lip uncomfortably. She didn't want to reveal the reasons of her genuine emotional breakout. Talking about her past only made it too real and she just wanted to forget and finally move on. Indulging in the motives behind her fake 'annoying girlfriend routine' wasn't an option either. She couldn't stand hurting Clarke more than she'd done already. This needed to stay a secret.
"I don't know. I missed you. You were constantly on my mind. I couldn't forget last night." She answered as honestly as she could and added genuinely, "I snapped seeing you with Octavia. You seemed even closer to her than to Raven. I didn't know and didn't expect it." She ashamedly lowered her head. "Octavia has nothing to fear from me." She laughed uncomfortably. "I'm sorry if I've scared you or her or any of your friends."
"Although you've got quite a fierce glare, I'm sure you didn't really. We're all bonkers. Life has that effect. Ray is full of crazy ideas. She pulled me back to life, when I gave up living. O is the grownup, always has been really protective of us, usually the voice of reason. I just love them to bits." She winked and clarified. "Platonically speaking."
"I'm so sorry. I'll apologize to her later." Lexa smiled at the attempt to lighten the mood.
"It's ok. Really. Stop saying sorry. This just wasn't our night." She smiled and let herself be pulled into a tight embrace, sharing the warmth and comfort of each other's bodies. When they couldn't suppress the shivering anymore, induced by the cold night air, Clarke twisted out of Lexa's arms and pulled her closer by her shirt. "We should go back inside. I see a hot chocolate in your near future." Lexa caressed her cheek affectionately and brought their faces close enough for her to wrap her lips over Clarke's mouth and poured all her emotions into the kiss, appreciation, gratefulness and desire.
"Mmmm." Clarke moaned at the touch of gentle teeth nibbling on her bottom lip and gave herself to Lexa who invaded her mouth with a skilled tongue.
Feeling trembling fingers wandering along the waistband of her low-cut jeans and under her sweatshirt sprung Lexa back into the cold night outside of Raven's house and she slowly pulled away.
"I think I don't deserve that tonight." She explained breathlessly locking her eyes with dark blue ones searching for acceptance, which she found when Clarke started nodding and stood up.
"Shit they're coming back. Raven start another game, Jas pretend to play. Monty go get some drinks."
"O! Calm the fuck down." Raven grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen, just before the patio door opened and the two emotionally drained, but calm and serene women walked in and over to the kitchen.
"Everything alright?" Octavia asked worriedly.
"Yeah. We needed a time out. Do you have hot chocolate?" Clarke had turned to Raven, leaving Octavia watching Lexa with a concerned scowl.
"Yeah, I'm sorry guys. Didn't mean to freak out." She lowered her head slightly.
Raven handed Clarke the ingredients for the drink and leaned back against the counter next to Octavia. She elbowed her lightly to get her attention. When Octavia caught her gaze Raven nodded towards Lexa, both women now subtlety observing the brunette who was watching their best friend's every move, with an expression of wholehearted admiration and bliss.
"There you go babe." Clarke slid the cup over the table top and came around the counter to cuddle against the taller woman.
They stayed like that until Lexa had finished her cup and called Anya to pick her up again. Everyone had settled back in the living room and were watching a movie.
"Why didn't you drive yourself?" Clarke whispered curiously while playing with the braids of Lexa's long hair, completely missing the look of panic flashing over her features. She couldn't tell her, that Anya had had to force her to come here in the first place.
"Um, we were out anyway and she couldn't stand my sad face missing you so she dropped me off." Ok, that was true she really had missed Clarke, just not the complete truth. Lexa was getting tired from lying by omission. She sighed deeply.
"You're adorable, you know that?" Lexa lowered her head mortified, because adorable wasn't exactly the attribute she'd given herself for her performance. However, the writer in her was relieved for having more data to work with.
"Have you decided on what you want to do on your day off tomorrow?" She changed the subject.
"Yes, I'll pick you up around 10 o'clock?"
"Ok. Anything I should know?"
"Wear comfy clothes."
It didn't take long for Anya to return to Raven's and Lexa bid her farewell to the gang, apologized again for invading their night and promised to not repeat it. They had laughed and assured her that she hadn't intruded much, although Octavia gave her quite a hard clap on her back and Raven eyed her somewhat quizzically. Clarke escorted her outside, when Anya had arrived.
"It was nice seeing you tonight. You sure you're ok though?"
"I am. Thank you for your understanding. I don't think I'm worthy of it."
"We all have our baggage and I'm far from travelling light myself. How could I not understand? And please stop putting yourself down. I think you're exceptional."
"You're someone very special." She leaned forward and kissed her passionately pulling her close into her arms. Her hands roamed over Clarke's backside and dropped lower, groping her ass, when headlights flashed on and off indicated Anya was still waiting. Reluctantly they separated and walked over to the car.
"Hi Anya." Clarke waved through the passenger window. "Sorry for that."
"Hi there. Nice show. All good?" She grinned at the embarrassment of the two.
"Yeah. Fine. Just take care of this one." She lovingly caressed Lexa's cheek who strapped herself into her seat. "It was a bit of a tough evening." Anya turned to Lexa with a raised eyebrow.
"Oh dear! What happened?"
"Just drive us home, An."
"Ok. Never mind me worrying. Say goodbye to Clarke."
"Bye Clarke. Can't wait for tomorrow." Lexa smiled and waved and they drove off.
The friends spent some more time together, drinking and laughing and enjoying the rest of the night, before they too separated. Jasper drove everyone home, leaving the 'post-friend's night' chaos to Raven to deal with it.
Ray of light (23:16): Have you seen it?
Drill-Instructor (23:16): Seen what?
Ray of light (23:16): How Lexa looks at Clarke?
Drill-Instructor (23:17): Yeah, she's crushing high-key.
Ray of light (23:17): Good thing it's reciprocated.
Drill-Instructor (23:17): Clarke's a smitten kitten.
Ray of light (23:18): We should sit Lexa down for the best friends talk. She's been acting weird tonight. I don't want Clarke ending up hurt.
Drill-Instructor (23:18): LOL. I agree. But she's so into Clarke. Don't think she's capable of hurting her. But I agree something was odd.
Ray of light (23:19): Well as Clarke said, she suspects a hard breakup. But you know, I've seen the emotions. I'm confident.
Drill-Instructor (23:19): Must have been. Our Clarkey seems happy. That's all I care about right now.
Ray of light (23:20): Clarke deserves happiness, finally. Never thought the bet would turn out like this. I'm a genius!
Drill-Instructor (23:24): Hahahaha. That still has to stand the test. Night loser.
Ray of light (23:25): Pha, you're just jealous it was me finding her happiness. Night sucker.
Drill-Instructor (23:25): Whatever!
I promise this story will have a happy ending. I understand that we all need some fluff and I hope, although this chapter had angsty parts, the shared emotions helped a little.
Also, I really hope all of you are safe. I've heard of rumours one of us is gone forever. Bless them and my deepest sympathy to the family. For all others who suffer and are depressed and in need, you can always talk to me on tumblr (Jaansche). We are all important no matter how the media portrays us! Special shoutout to the guest Lou who found themselves being in the same situation as I describe in the story. I can't message you if you're logged in as a guest. Message me off anon here or on tumblr, if you need someone to listen to you, ok!?
Please stay safe till next Tuesday.
Cheers,
J
