9. Holidays

"I can't do this to her, not after everything she's been through."

"You're going to have to Edward, she need's to know what to expect."

Silence.

"Edward, we know you love her, that you would do anything to protect her but keeping this a secret it will only hurt her, you know that."

"I do, yet it's because I love her so, that telling her you had a vision of her as a soulless monster is a difficult thing for me to do. You don't think me divulging this information to her isn't going to hurt her?"

Sigh.

"It won't hurt her half as much as you keeping the truth from her and you know we won't let anything happen to her."

"I know that also but neither of you could possibly understand my dilemma. There was a time when Bella dreamed of becoming one of us, what if she still wants that? I don't think I could bare it…"

"Edward... what Bella wants is her decision you can't choose her life for her, she's not a little girl and the decision is hers to make. You may not like what path she chooses but please remember it is hers to choose and if you truly love her you will stand by her whatever her choice."

"It is her choice but we aren't talking about what to have for dinner, whether or not to skip class, this is death. There is no coming back from that. She doesn't yet understand the enormity of it. The severity of the process. I couldn't stand by and watch her suffer."

"You're getting ahead of yourself. She hasn't chosen yet, it may not even happen but nonetheless she still needs to know what Alice saw. Regardless of what she picks, Edward rest assured it will not be by Victoria's hand."

"All right." There was defeat in his voice and I knew the conversation was over.

I rolled over, turning my back to the door. I didn't want him to know I'd been listening, he thought I was still sleeping. I shut my eyes knowing I wouldn't hear him enter the room. Living in a house full of vampires I never knew what to expect. I would be eating breakfast in the kitchen alone, then I would turn and someone would be standing right behind me. Luckily for me they all had great reflexes so the many bowls and plates I'd dropped had been saved. I felt the bed beside me shift; he was already laying beside me.

"Bella, my love?" Edward asked softly. I could hear the angst in his voice. Maybe I should just tell him I had heard the entire conversation and save him the pain.

I turned to face him, shocked by just how close he was to me. His eyes were swimming with emotion and had he had the ability to cry I suspect there would be tears in his eyes right now. His lips were set in a harsh line, there was no familiar lop sided grin, not even a slight curve on his mouth at all. I felt my heart ache for him.

"I need to tell you something."

I nodded and he continued.

"Alice saw something… She saw you as a… as a vampire." The last word was choked out as if it brought him great pain to pass it from his lips.

"Was it Victoria?" I already knew the answer.

"We don't know. Alice's vision it was… unclear. She was only able to see glimpses not the entire event."

I bit my lip. Three years ago, I wanted nothing more than to be like Edward. To live for all eternity and to spend it by his side. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. On one hand spending my life as a human, getting older while Edward remained the same it broke my heart. How could I look at myself in the mirror as an old woman and then see his never changing face? I know I couldn't stand that. However to be a vampire. To live forever, to only drink blood, never able to be seen in the sunlight. To never see my family again… not that I ever saw much of them anymore anyway yet to not have the option I really didn't know how I felt about that. I could think of thousands of advantages though, being strong, graceful, fast, beautiful, immortal, to have Edward forever to be able to be with him, really be with him.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes… I was just thinking."

Edward let out a long breath, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. I knew he hated the idea of me being a vampire, I knew he thought of himself as a monster and didn't want to see me as that also. I used to think it was because he didn't want to be with me forever but now I knew that wasn't the case. He loved me just the way I was, human.

"Bella… you don't understand what it's like, eternity. The human mind can not comprehend such a theory; it is only when you live it that you truly understand. I have watched every human I care about die while I remain untouched by time. I have seen a century go by, seen so many changes, so many terrible things and still I have remained the same. You have no idea what it's like to be forever seventeen, it's a curse. Most humans perceive me as a child, I can't ever be normal. Can't ever have the life I dream of having with you and it tears me apart. I want us to marry, to have children and to grow old together. I want to take you to the beach and bask in the sun's warmth. I would do anything just to be human again yet you wish to forfeit your humanity and for what? Being a vampire isn't what you think it is, Bella…"

I scowled at him. He had just delved straight into his lecture not even letting me explain my thoughts, hadn't even asked what my thoughts were. He didn't know what I wanted. I didn't want to be a vampire, not right now anyway. I just wanted him.

"Edward, I know what being a vampire entails because I see it everyday. In case you have forgotten, I live with three of them. If I were ever to give up my humanity, it would be for you. To be with you. I am completely totally and utterly in love with you and the thought of growing old and seeing you not change at all it breaks my heart but as of yet I'm happy to be human, so please spare me the lectures." I huffed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lecture you but I love you too much to watch you die…"

"I wouldn't die, Edward…"

"Yes Bella, you would die. You would spend three days burning alive, all the while conscious of the excruciating pain crushing your soul and when the pain stops your heart will stop beating and you will die. You won't be the woman you are now. Your body will be cold, your eyes blood red and all you will be able to think about is your unquenchable thirst, all you will want to do in the beginning is drink."

"Stop! I've already said I'm happy being human, so just stop! You don't have to convince me okay! It's not like I'm going to go to Victoria and say, 'hey your evil and want to kill me but how about you turn me into a vampire instead, won't that be fun?' No I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon."

"I didn't mean that, I just want you to know the facts. So there is no doubt in your mind. It may not be Victoria who try's to change you. I love you with all that I am. I love your heartbeat and your warmth, I love your eyes, I love how your hair smells of strawberries and how you are staggeringly beautiful without trying to be so, I love you as a human. I love how you've grown in the three years we were apart I'm not saying I wouldn't love you as a vampire, I would love you no matter what but I couldn't bare you to regret it. In a hundred years time when you've lost everyone you ever knew to tell me you wish I'd stopped you, that you wish you could be human again. I wish I had that chance Bella and sometimes I hate Carlisle for what he did but I know I didn't have a chance if he hadn't done what he did I would have died there was no hope for me, there is for you."

"Edward…" I sighed. "I understand, I do. Right now, I am content with us the way we are. I'm not saying that one day I might want more, might want forever but until that day you can have me human. Okay?"

He ran a hand through his hair messing it up just slightly; his mouth was still in the harsh line, his eyes still full of emotion. He looked tired. I felt bad; it seemed I was just making this harder for him. It wasn't as though I was trying to do it, I just wanted him to know I wasn't actively seeking to be turned if it happened… then I guess I could live with it. I would have Edward, Alice and Jasper and I suspect the rest of the Cullen's also.

"It isn't just that I don't want you to be a vampire, Bella. You're in immense danger from Victoria, maybe even from someone else we don't know about. I just want to keep you safe."

"I know and I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me know, I appreciate it and I trust you to keep me safe, safe from whatever you think is a danger to me."

He smiled then and I felt myself smiling with him, grateful that his beautiful lips were no longer in that horribly harsh line.

"What would you like to do today, my love?"

It was Saturday morning. Alice and I had been attending classes for the past two months, it was now December and the start of the Christmas holidays. I had today and tomorrow before I headed down to Jacksonville to spend a few days with my mother and Phil, then I would spend Christmas with Charlie in Forks.

We had agreed that only Edward should come with me to Jacksonville, there was too much risk of exposure with the constant sun as for Forks we weren't quite sure. I had already told Renée about Edward and as suspected she hadn't kicked up much of a fuss, at first she had been concerned but it didn't take me long to talk her round but Charlie was another matter entirely. We were still mulling over the details, I wasn't sure if I should tell him about Edward I really didn't want to open that can of worms. It would be easy to have Edward stay at his old house, he could come over at night when Charlie was sleeping and I would avoid any confrontation at all but the thought of only spending nights with him depressed me greatly. After all, we were living together now, we spent all our time together except for when I was at class or he was hunting.

"Let's just lay here." I replied snuggling closer to him.

I could feel his icy body even through the sheets, there were times when I wished he could hold me, really hold me. I would wish that he was warm and soft, that kissing him would be easy, he wouldn't have to control himself anymore. I knew we could never have that and I had accepted it but that didn't mean I couldn't wish.

"Some music?" He asked softly, kissing the top of my head before crossing the room to his record collection, he selected one placing it carefully onto the player then manoeuvred the needle lowering it onto the vinyl.

The familiar gently notes of Claude Debussy's Clair de lune began to drift through the room sending me into a state of tranquil peace. I closed my eyes taking the music in, letting it calm my mind. Within seconds, it was all I was thinking of, all my worries forgotten.

I felt Edwards long fingers brush through my hair, felt his cool breath on my cheek and then his lips brush against mine, he pulled back briefly before they made contact again sending little shivers down my spine. I leaned into him, pressing my body into his as much as I could. His lips against mine and the soft melody of the piano lulled my mind into a state of hibernation. I cupped my palm against his marble cheek pulling away to study his face. He smiled back at me his eyes were dark but not quite black just yet, he was to hunt on Sunday night before we flew to Jacksonville.

We lay together, staring into each other's eyes for what felt like hours, just holding each other, being near one another it was all either of us needed. I felt content in his presence. My mind began to wander and soon it drifted back to eternity. He had told me the human mind could not comprehend it and I believed him. The expanse of time was so great, it went on and on for forever never ending, never faltering. When there was nothing left, when everyone else was gone, time would still exist and so would Edward. There was something unexplainably romantic about the thought of Edward and I living through eternity together. I could see us standing side by side as everything else changed, staring longingly into each other's eyes. However as well as the romance there was a solitude and emptiness which frightened me, to have everything you know change, disappear until everything you remembered was gone, everything familiar decimated…

"It's moments like these, when you get that look on your face that I wish I could read your mind." He blinked lazily, tapping my temple lightly.

"Hmm, why's that?" I asked in return.

"You must be thinking something magnificent and I feel as though I'm missing out." He smiled my favourite smile.

"Nothing magnificent, just speculating, silly little thoughts really. There isn't much to miss out on but you on the other hand, I would give anything to get a glimpse inside your head. The thing's you've seen and done I'd imagine it would be quite an experience."

"Yes, I'd imagine so, not all of it has been pleasant though."

"Nor has everything I've seen." I replied to him.

"I don't doubt that but I think for different reasons than my own."

I let out a long breath stretching out. My stomach grumbled and I suddenly realised I hadn't yet eaten, what time was it? I looked over to the clock, the bright red numbers told me it was after one in the afternoon. We had been laying here for over four hours.

"I think it's time for lunch." I told him before getting slowly out of bed. I hated leaving the warm comfort but food was a necessity, had it not been I would have stayed there all day.

. The rest of the day and weekend passed without much drama. Sunday night Edward left to hunt, I always hated when he was away and I spent another restless night alone. I would be exhausted on the plane tomorrow but it was a five hour flight so I would be able to sleep then. It was well after four when I began to drift off into a restless sleep. Nightmares disturbed what little sleep I got and by morning, all I wanted was to lay in bed, never having to move again.