RWBY is many things. It is not however, mine.


I stood in the headmasters office, a sense of unease in my chest as Professor Ozpin stared at me. After reaching the top of the Beacon Cliffs, I'd been pulled up by an excited Yang and Ruby, who'd apparently been able to see the light show I'd made even from the cliff. Their excitement died down when they realized I was alone.

I'd kept hopeful, thinking that perhaps I'd be placed with a team from a different group, but the groups carried a dozen students each for a reason. Three teams per group, that's how it was meant to be set up. Students that lost partners were dropped out. The teams were announced in the auditorium last night, and as happy as I was that Yang and Ruby were placed together, I was left out. Completely. Even Jaune had a team.

"Do you know why you are here, Lapis?" Professor Ozpin sighed. I gave a curt nod. "You are here because you returned from the initiation alone." Although his tone had no inflections, I still fought to suppress a flinch. "This is not entirely your fault. Due to a special last moment admittance, the number of students we accepted this year was misaligned." Ruby. While I couldn't be angry with the girl, a slight resentment against my situation still remained. It was...unfair.

"Usually, a student who shows potential but fails the initiation, would be recommended to reapply the next year. They would take the time to train and hone their strengths, and return to find a team then." the professor paused and took a sip of his coffee before continuing. "You, however, passed. Alone. Which is why we are in this predicament. You are strong." he sighed, pulling up a vid on his scroll, the vid of my fights.

"That makes you valuable. There is a program for those who failed to be placed in teams, usually due to the loss of their second pair. The Jokers." My eyes widened. A chance. "But I am hesitant to assign you to that. Because as strong as you may be, you are young and foolish." He pointed to the vid of my fights. "You are overconfident in your strength and bound to long forgotten traditions. Alone, without someone to temper you, guide you, I fear you would quickly join the Jokers already high casualty count."

"What is your decision then, sir?" I asked slowly, my heart pounding. He stared at me contemplatively for a moment.

"I would like to recommend that you join the Joker program." he said finally. I blinked. He'd just told me all the reasons I shouldn't join.

"Why?" he sighed at my question and turned to face away, looking out the window towards Remnants shattered moon.

"What do you see when you look at Beacon?" he asked. I furrowed my brow at the change of topic, but humored him, thinking for an answer.

"Hope." I finally stated out, quoting what I'd always heard from Ruby. "A beacon in the night to ward off the darkness."

"Very eloquent, Mr. Ulfheon. I didn't take you for a poet." Professor Ozpin said with a sad chuckle. "Do you know what I see?" He looked over at me as I shook my head. "I see a grave. I see children being trained so that they may die against the monsters in this world. Soldiers being molded to fight a war. I see an evil that we can not escape, one that must be done to protect those who can not protect themselves." I stared at him blankly. His was a morbid thought.

"I would like you to join the Jokers because, as I stated, you are strong." he continued, "Even at the risk of your life, you have a potential that we can not afford to waste time in shaping. We are at war Mr. Ulfheon, something your family specializes in. For now, against the Grimm, but we know not what the future holds. We are in desperate need of bodies to fill the front lines. And I believe your body can fill several spots."

"...I wish to join the Joker program." I stated. I couldn't care less for his reasons. I would stay at Beacon at any cost. I would become a Huntsman. I would stay near Yang. Professor Ozpin nodded.

"Very well. You will be placed in the Wild Card roster and considered a Joker. You may take all classes alone, they were designed so that most assignments could be done solo, although I do suggest you do them with some friends. Missions is where the Jokers come in." He tapped his finger on his scroll and pulled up a list. Faces next to profiles detailing positions, abilities, and records. Some even had videos attached.

"This is Wild Card. Teams may request your assistance for missions or assignments through this roster, although you will have to build your reputation yourself. You have the unique ability to fill three roles: support, vanguard, and rearguard. I do not doubt that you will build up a profile quickly with your abilities, but you may be stuck with some simple requests at the beginning." I nodded, pulling out my own scroll and quickly finding the app at the students online store.

"Requests are not limited by a students grade, a fourth year may ask you to assist them as easily as a first year could, although they do tend to keep to their own years due to familiarity. I suggest you look over missions carefully before you accept. If you bite off more than you can chew, you will die." Professor Ozpin placed his mug on his desk, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "You will be assigned a room. Feel free to personalize it to your tastes, as you will be alone. I think you will get along quite well with your neighbors."


"You're a joker?" Yang laughed while she and Ruby bounced on my bed. "You barely even smile!"

"Laz smiles all the time!" Ruby jumped to my defense.

"No he doesn't!" Yang argued back, "He does this thing with his mouth that resembles a smirk." The sisters continued bickering as I sat at my desk. My room was drab, light beige walls, two desks meant to be shared between partners, and four burgundy beds took up the majority of the space. A single large window let natural light flow in and, much to my pleasure, a washroom was indeed included. Despite the four beds, the two sisters had somehow instantly found the one I had decided to claim to trample on.

"Jokers are sort of like mercenaries." Blake, Yang's partner, cut in. "It's a system Beacon implemented years back for pairs who lost teammates but still wished to stay." The golden eyes studied me for a moment and I stared back curiously. "Another team can request them to assist on a mission, and when it's finished, the Jokers get credit and prestige."

"Oh, well that doesn't sound too bad." Yang chirped.

"It's also got a significantly higher casualty rate compared to the standard four hunter team." Blake continued, "Lack of coordination with the requesting teams and the fact that anyone can submit a mission for them means that Jokers have a tendency to be injured. Or die." Yang froze mid bounce for a moment and I braced for the outburst.

"Well, Laz is a big boy." the squeaking continued after a pause. "A reeaaally big boy. I'm sure he can handle it." Yang said, although she seemed a bit stiff. "Besides, he can just deny any missions that are too dangerous. Right Laz?" She shot me a look that seemed sweet, but I knew that saying anything but 'yes' would not end well for me. So I nodded.

"Jokers have the right to view missions and decide if they are appropriate or not. If a mission is beyond my capabilities, I will of course, say no." Yang nodded happily and she flopped onto the bed, Ruby soon following afterwards and piling on top of her sister, who let out an unhappy shout.

"Your room is so biiiiiiig." Ruby moaned from the lump, "Why can't our room be this big?" Weiss, who was reintroduced as Ruby's partner, scoffed at that.

"All the rooms are the same size. He just doesn't have to share." She said, not bothering to look up from her scroll. "Lucky." I heard her mutter.

"Aww, poor Laz has to stay all alone." Yang cooed from under Ruby somewhere, "Don't cry big guy, you can have the Ice Queen."

"Hey!" A red head and a white head both shot up with simultaneous shouts.

"You can't have Weiss! She's my partner!" Ruby cried out, climbing off of my bed and clinging to the pale girl.

"Ugh, get off of me you little weirdo." Weiss pried Ruby off of her, who let out a despondent 'Aww'. "And you!" she pointed an accusing finger at the remaining lump, "Don't pawn me off to your gorilla friends!" I didn't deserve that gorilla comment...

"Laz isn't a gorilla!" Yang drawled back, a lazy hand waving in the air, "He's just big! And fluffy!"

"I think she just called you fat." Blake gave me a small smirk. I shrugged my shoulders and continued reading the class schedule I'd been given. The teams that were in the same group as each other tended to have the same schedule as well, which meant I would be taking my classes with team RWBY at the very least. That was welcome news.

"So," I finally said, pushing my schedule to the corner of my table, "other than destroying my bed," a flat look sent to the sisters, who just smiled sheepishly, "what are your plans for the weekend?" Classes started first thing Monday, and today was Saturday. That left us the remainder of today and all of tomorrow to adjust to our new environment.

"Oh!" Yang sat up on my bed quickly, her tresses flying about. "That's right! I totally forgot to ask!" She swung her legs over the side and shot me a bright smile. The type of smile she usually saves for asking favors. "We were planning on heading down to Vale to do some shopping tomorrow aaaand we were hoping we could borrow Ironhide?" I blinked, but didn't respond immediately. While I had almost no qualms with letting Yang drive my truck, something she's done several times in the past, I had actually been planning to make the same trip.

"I will require the use of Ironhide tomorrow, unfortunately." I started slowly, and saw a pout beginning to form, step two of the Xiao Long household guide to exploiting Laz. "However, you girls are welcome to join me, I am not averse to having company."

"Cool!" Yang chirped happily and the rest of RWBY nodded, finding the plan acceptable. "What do you need Ironhide for anyways?" she asked curiously. I arched a brow at her, and stood from my desk, waving her off my bed. She relinquished it with a whine as I walked over, and with a plop, dropped onto my mattress. The springs creaked and the padding sank under my weight, and after a moment, a chorus of giggles erupted in the room.

"L-Laz..." Ruby choked out between peals of laughter, "You look ridiculous!" With my head resting on the pillow, my broad frame took up almost the entire bed and my feet jut out uncomfortably from the end.

"Yes." I said flatly, sending the girl into another fit of giggles, "It is also very uncomfortable. I will need to buy a new bed tomorrow. Along with a sturdier chair." The one Beacon provided me had protested my weight in a very discomforting manner the moment I'd sat down in it.

"Awesome!" Yang said happily, "Plans set! Let's go get dinner!" I shook my head in amusement and we filed out. Seems tomorrow we'd be going back to Vale.


"Hey! Be careful with Bee!" Yang called out at me from the side. I grunted as I hefted the motorcycle under my arm and carefully placed it on the ground. I would need the bed of my truck for my new mattress and any other furnishings we would get. With all the extra space in my room, I was already thinking of moving out the other beds and making it more homely. I had already gotten permission from Professor Goodwitch, who told me that I would have to dismantle them and move them to storage myself, but other than that I was free to do as I pleased.

"You are more than welcome to assist me with handling your motorcycle." I retorted calmly, moving Bumblebee into the space Ironhide had been occupying.

"What, lil ol' me?" She replied innocently while climbing into the trucks passenger seat. I scoffed at that, Yang could probably carry Bumblebee over the shoulder with one arm.

"Are you two done?" an annoyed voice called out, "Could we get going now? It's a bit cramped back here." Weiss, who was shoved in the back seats with Ruby and Blake, seemed to find being in such close proximity with others to be uncomfortable. Which was odd because they could have easily fit at least one more person in with them. Ironhide was wide and the girls were fairly small.

"You can sit in the trunk if you want, Princess," Yang said helpfully, "His weapon case does double as extra seats, it even has seat belts." I eyed the box that held Hamrammer doubtfully. While everything she'd said was technically true, somehow I couldn't imagine the Schnee heiress agreeing with the idea.

"Absolutely not!" Sure enough, she was very much against it. "If anything, you should be riding back there!"

"Hah, you wish!" Yang laughed, "Sorry snow angel, but I always get shotgun with Laz. Always." Weiss grumbled as I took my seat and started up the vehicle.

"Where do you girls need to go?" I asked as I backed out, keeping an eye out for any other vehicles or pedestrians.

"Shopping!" Yang chirped. I waited for her to elaborate. I know she said 'shopping' yesterday but I'd assumed she had something specific in mind. I hope she has something specific in mind.

"...Anywhere in particular?" I asked hesitantly, dread creeping into my voice. The evil smirk on her face told me exactly what I needed to know, and that she knew what she was doing to me.

"Shopping!" ….I should have walked.


Shopping was exhausting. That was the conclusion I'd come up with after hours of driving around town. It could have been worse, they could have been like the civilians you see in vids who did nothing but stare at clothes in the mall. At least these girls were browsing useful things. But it always turned into a debate about which worked better, which was cheaper, which looked nicer. And each item seemed to remind them of three new things they needed. Which required a trip to a different store where it would repeat. It never ended. Ever.

Yang was the shopper between the two sisters. While she was very no nonsense about most things and rather tomboyish in her behaviors and actions, she was also the more effeminate of the two. During the early teens, Yang had been the one going on about boys one minute and kicking teeth in the next, while Ruby had always been more reserved in her interests, primarily anything to do with huntresses. It therefore stands to reason, that after having grown up with Yang as my closest friend, that I would have built some form of immunity to the accursed past time known as shopping, having been dragged into town an innumerable amount of times by the vivacious blonde. I had not.

While I was accustomed to Yang shopping, which I had found almost endearing while watching her zip around comparing items with a smile throughout the years, I had been horribly misinformed as to what true shopping was. True shopping was Violet shopping. True shopping was Weiss Schnee shopping. And the worst part? It was contagious, and seemed to infect all the other girls.

A never ending flow of opinions and a debate amongst oneself and each other that made the Whispers that once ravaged my mind seem tame. Questions directed towards others that apparently wanted no answer, yet maintaining silence had them irked at your lack of attention. By the time we had purchased everything, the sun was setting, and I was completely exhausted. I could fight Grimm for days with my expansive Aura reserves, but a couple hours with a three babbling girls (and one relatively silent one, thank god for that) and I was pining for my room. Therefore it was understandable when I instantly took up the offer for a break.

"You alright there, big guy?" Yang asked me with a soft smile as we stopped at a red light. Weiss was having a very animated conversation with Ruby, although it sounded as if it were nearing an argument, with Blake chipping in her own two cents every now and again. Yang had been a part of this until just now, when I'd squeezed my eyes shut with a soft sigh, one I hadn't meant to let out. I was willing to accompany these girls who were family and friends, but I was about on my last nerve.

"I am fine." I said shortly, "I am simply a bit...tired." I cast her a look, speaking more gently this time. They were not to blame, merely behaving like the teenage girls they were. It was something I felt they should experience and value, as in times to come we would surely have fewer opportunities to do so. Even the Schnee seemed less like a rich heiress and more like a normal girl while we were out today. I would not fault them for my own lack of patience. Yang patted my arm sympathetically.

"Hey, we're pretty close to LH!" Yang perked up suddenly, taking in the surroundings. "We should go grab a bite!" she grinned. I heard Ruby freeze in her conversation for a moment before she was practically climbing over the front seats to look.

"Ooooh! We can go visit Marigold!" She squealed happily, "Can we go Laz? Please please please please please please please?!"

"What's...LH?" Weiss asked with a small wrinkle of her nose.

"Loopty Hoops Donut Emporium." I answered with a chuckle, "Home to the best fried hoops and sugar loops in all of Vale." I quoted the jolly mans favorite phrase.

"It's more of a diner than a donut shop at this point." Yang assured the blue eyed girl, who was most likely about to protest going somewhere so unhealthy. "Marigold makes most of the actual food and LH just fries everything he gets his hands on. Everything they make tastes great, just don't say yes when they offer to let you try a new dish. Usually means it's still in the testing stage and loaded with oil." I turned a bit green at that.

While Marigold and Loopy Hoop both understood the need for Hunters to maintain a healthy diet, Marigold was the only one who actively tried to make their food nutritionally acceptable. LH tended to just make it taste as good as it could and tells you to work off the fat. Something I really feel he should put into practice. The man was practically a ball.

When Yang, Ruby and I became regulars at Loopty Hoops, the man had taken a shine to me, and often stuffed me full of his...unique creations. While they didn't taste awful, the sugar made my head spin and the oil made me sick. I was too polite to decline, and often had to rest after meals to digest, something both sisters found amusing.

"Well..." Weiss began, faltering the moment Ruby turned her puppy dog eyes on the unfortunate girl. "I suppose we could get some food." she finally sighed. I knew that pout was evil. With the group in agreement, I turned the corner and into the parking lot for the rather gaudy looking shop. With colorful lights, a giant flashing donut for a sign, and bright pink, yellow, and blue walls, Loopty Hoops Donut Emporium stood out like a sore thumb.

"That" Weiss said flatly, "is tacky."

"It is kind of excessive." Blake agreed.

"Eh." Yang shrugged, "It's clean, it's good, and the décor matches the owners." She laughed as she dismounted from the car. "They're super nice, you'll love it!" The back seat door burst open as Ruby scrambled over Weiss to get out.

"Ugh. Calm down you dolt." the heiress shouted in annoyance, "God, she's like a kid." I grabbed Ruby before she fell from Ironhides elevated height. She had almost taken a nasty dive into the pavement with her face...

"Ruby." I said sternly to the bouncing girl, "Patience." Although she calmed down somewhat and gave me a sheepish smile, I could still see the eagerness in her eyes. We hadn't come here in quite a while, and Marigold adored Ruby, often doting on her as if she were her own child. Ruby in turn, soaked up the attention and seemed to adopt Marigold as a grandmother figure.

"Ah, ease up, Laz!" Yang said with a grin, "Classes start tomorrow, we gotta enjoy life while we can! Can't all end up an old grump like you!" she teased, poking me in the chest. I rolled my eyes with a small smirk as Ruby tried to drag me inside. I purposefully slowed my pace as we neared the entrance and Ruby let out a frustrated whine, while Yang just laughed.

"Coming!" a voice sang out as the bell on the door jingled from our entrance. A couple other patrons were occupying various velvet booths in the store, enjoying their own meals. While Loopty Hoops catered to both human and Faunus alike, discrimination in Vale meant they naturally had fewer Faunus customers in comparison to human ones. So it was a bit of a surprise to see a rather large group of nearly ten Faunus gathering, with three tables pushed together to fit them all.

"Welcome to Loopty Hoops!" A rather round figure squeezed itself out of the kitchen and behind the counter. "Home to the best fried hoops and sugar-Laz?" The middle aged woman paused as she saw me. "Oh my! Sugarplum, come quick! Laz and the girls are here!" the orange haired woman called out loudly. None of the other guests batted an eye, this was very normal behavior in this establishment.

"Laz?!" a voice boomed out from the kitchen. Soon an even rounder figure forced itself through the doorway. "Laz my boy! Ruby and Yang too! Quickly, inside! The lot of you must be starving!" The friendly man ushered us in, quickly leading us to one of the larger booths and sitting us down.

If one were to ask a patron to describe Sugarplum Loops, also known as Loopty Hoops, the first thing they would probably mention would be his mustache. Long, bushy, and as pink as cotton candy, it bobbled with every word he said in the most entertaining manner. With a belly as wide as he was tall (which he wasn't very), dark purple eyes, and a balding pink head, Loopty Hoops was the very definition of jolly.

"Mr. Loops, Mrs. Loops, it has been a while." I greeted as Marigold fawned over our group.

"It most certainly has!" Marigold cried out in indignation, "We haven't seen you in months! Wherever did you three run off too?!"

"Sorry bout that Mrs. L" Yang laughed awkwardly, "We've been busy getting ready, what with getting accepted into Beacon and all that. Violet passed the initiation by the way, even got made team leader, not sure if she's told you."

"Oh that girl never tells us anything anymore." Marigold grumbled, still upset that her youngest daughter had grown distant in her teenage years, "But look at you, Yang! Even more beautiful than the last time we saw you! Oooh you look just like I did back in the day..." The entire table suppressed their laughter as Yang openly winced at the comment.

"Hah! You want to talk mirror images Mari, just look at Laz!" A meaty hand slapped down on my shoulder with surprising force as Mr. Loops placed a basket of garlic bread sticks on our table. "Why, I do believe he's gotten even taller! I'll bet he turns out even bigger than his father, the damn brute." His round face popped into my view and his mustache bounced as he gave me a big smile. "He'll be as stunningly handsome as me in just a few years!" This time the table, and not just ours, didn't even bother hiding their snickers. Yang was flat out laughing as I stiffened just slightly.

"Oh hush you." Marigold slapped her husbands shoulder, making him jiggle. "Stop scaring the poor boy, you were always an overgrown melon. Don't you listen to him Laz, he's delusional." she reassured me. Her eyes fell to Ruby and a warm smile grew on her face.

"Ooooh Ruby! All grown up and off to fight the nasty baddies!" she crooned. Ruby puffed up proudly, her nose in the air.

"Yup! And they even made me the team leader of team RWBY!" she bragged proudly. I saw Weiss' face darken for just a moment before she covered it up, so quick I thought I imagined it.

"And what a fantastic leader you'll be." Marigold said warmly, "And an even better Huntress, I just know it." Ruby giggled happily as the woman ruffled her hair, perfectly content with being spoiled by the matron. "So who are your friends? Did you meet in Beacon?" Marigold asked curiously, peering at the two first timers.

"Weiss Schnee, ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you." Weiss said with a smile and a small bow from her seat. A spark of recognition in both shopkeepers eyes at the name.

"Blake Belladonna." The raven haired girl answered simply.

"Such polite girls..." Marigold smiled, a hand on her chest.

"Such beautiful girls." Mr. Loops said with a grin, waggling his eyebrows at the two girls, who let out slight shudders. A quick slap over the head delivered by Marigold had him quickly retreating with a scowl.

"Whether polite or beautiful, the lot of you are much too thin." Marigold decided. "Sugar, get your lard bucket in the kitchen and start making these poor things something to eat! They're practically twigs!" Mr. Loops sulked off with a grumble. "Don't you sass me!" Marigold called back sternly, and suddenly Mr. Loops had a spring in his waddle. "And none of that slop you fry up! These are girls dear, they need real food. Healthy food. Is there anything you girls don't eat or are partial to?" A request for fish from Blake, something fried from Yang, something healthy from Weiss, anything for Ruby, and a meat dish for myself. Marigold jotted everything down on a pad and went after her husband.

"I thought you said the fried foods here were really oily?" Blake asked Yang after the woman had left.

"Nah, that's just the stuff they're still testing out. Marigold usually has a leash on how much oil goes into the regular dishes." Yang replied, "Mr. Loops can make some crazy good fried foods though, even if they're a bit high in calories." Ruby and I both nodded in agreement. Nutrition aside, Mr. and Mrs. Loops were both gods in the kitchen, with Mr. Loops having a particular affinity to the fryer. The man could fry a boot and make it taste like the best damn thing you've ever eaten. You'd probably have a heart attack fifteen minutes later, but that was beyond the point.

It didn't take long for the food to come. Potato skins, chicken tenders, fried asparagus, all sorts of food flowed from the kitchen to our table. The Loops had made us a smorgasbord of appetizers, each portion small enough to not fill us up, but large enough to wet our palette. Then came the entrees.

Blake had made an almost seductive moan when she'd tasted the grilled tuna fillet and fish sticks, much to her embarrassment. Yang dug into the fried chicken steak and popcorn shrimp with gusto, completely ignoring the salad and mashed potatoes that came with it until the end. Ruby, in a sudden twist of inspiration from Marigold, had gotten a bowl of thick noodles in a pork broth along with a couple elongated fried shrimp, which she happily slurped up. Weiss found her lamb chops and vegetable stir fry to be 'adequate', although she cleaned her plate quickly and seemed quite satisfied. I got a rib eye with fries that more than filled my needs. Then came dessert.

Donuts and pastries and ice cream. Ruby was beyond ecstatic and Yang wasn't far behind. Weiss and Blake held back for a while, but one does not simply resist Loopty Hoops brand snacks. Probably because we hadn't shown up in a while, Marigold and Mr. Loops seemed dead set on spoiling our group rotten. It was impossible to not enjoy oneself with such good food amongst friends, and the meal was spent filled with laughter.

By the time we'd had our fun and finished all the food, the sun was long gone. We paid the bill, which was suspiciously low, bade the Loops farewell, and boarded Ironhide for the trip back to Beacon. The girls were dozing off, and I could feel the call of sleep myself as we pulled into the transit station. We loaded the cargo we'd bought, deciding to call it a night and to organize tomorrow, and boarded the air ship with happy thoughts. Today was a good day. No one noticed the eyes that followed us.


A/N: I had a ton of fun writing my self insert. While Loopty Hoops in the story is absolutely nothing like me, him and Marigold were a riot to script. Originally, I wanted Laz to be the only Joker, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense for Beacon to have some sort of system for those who lost partners or teams that lost pairs. While many hunters in training would drop out from the trauma, there would also be a fair number who decide to mush on. But losses can't be predicted and it seemed unlikely that they would simply be paired with loners in another year, the skill difference would be too wide. So, bam! Joker program. We had a peek at Ozpins brain, he's a veteran who's seen the horrors of war, and despite looking for the best in the future, I can't help but feel that the reason he's so mysterious is because he sees every angle there is to see. This is just one of them that I felt would be beneficial to show, and it feels like something he would say to a person like Laz. Writing about food made me hungry. Like, really hungry. Read, review, enjoy!

The pizookie-pizza cookie-is a real thing. Stacking it with ice cream is also a real thing. BJs makes an amazing smores pizookie that's basically diabetes in a little tin pan.