Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness
Part Nine
-triumphant music-
Hope you enjoy it, dear readers & reviewers! Sorry it's been so long! D:
Marley: OW!
Cratchit: ARGH!
KPT: Methinks we've been stuffed in that character closet for too long!
Scrooge: No kiddin'.
All: Eh?
Scrooge: (shrugs)
GOHYTC: So. Shall we embark on our next adventure?
Marley: Sounds like a plan! (grins manically)
Cratchit: Soooo…
Marley: (sings, to self) Lovely bread, lovely bread, lovely lovely bread…
(Everyone ignores him)
Cratchit: As I was saying…
Scrooge: (interrupts) You weren't saying anything!
Cratchit: Oh. Right.
Artful Dodger: (emerges from character closet) Cor! Tha' wos weird!
KPT: Oh snap.
(Many more random characters and famous people suddenly begin emerging from the character closet…)
Elizabeth I: I want a prezzie! Make it nice and shiny!
Mr. Bingley: WAFFLES!
Mr. Darcy: (smacks Bingley around the head)
Bertie Wooster: I say, Jeeves, this is a rum do, what!
Jeeves: Indeed, sir.
Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson!
Watson: Like DUH Sherlock!
Holmes: Pardon?
Elizabeth I: WHERE'S MY PREZZIE?
Sherlock Holmes: Let's split up and search for clues!
Scooby Doo: Ra-huh! Clues!
Watson: (forehead slap)
Marley: QUIET!
(Everyone shuts up)
Dodger: (closes the character closet door with a sheepish grin) Sorry guvn'r!
Scrooge: Roll call!
(Everyone stands in a line)
Scrooge: Artful Dodger?
Artful Dodger: 'Ello mate!
Scrooge: Her Majesty Elizabeth I of England?
Elizabeth I: Hmph.
Scrooge: Charles Bingley of Netherfield Park?
Bingley: (waves hand in the air manically) PRESENT!
Elizabeth I: WHERE?
Scrooge: (speaks louder) Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberly Estate?
Mr. Darcy: (grunts)
Scrooge: (eyetwitch) Jeeves and Wooster?
Wooster and Jeeves: (in unison) Accounted for!
Scrooge: Sherlock Holmes?
(No answer)
Scrooge: Sherlock Holmes?
(shocked scream and panicked voices)
Scrooge: What happened? Where's Sherlock Holmes?
Cratchit: Uh…guys? Sherlock Holmes is…dead.
(dramatic music)
(one advert break later…)
All: WHAT?
Marley: How ironic.
Scrooge: Shut it Marl!
Marley: Sheesh! (shuts it)
GOHYTC: Don't worry guys, don't panic! I have this all under control!
(Stunned silence)
GOHYTC: Who here has ever played Cluedo?
Jeeves: The murder mystery board game, sir?
GOHYTC: Precisely.
Jeeves: (looks confused)
(Everyone gasps in shock)
(Returning to the matter at hand…)
GOHYTC: As I was saying…you know what this means?
(Blank stares)
GOHYTC: We must wander into random rooms and shout accusations at each other! (nods triumphantly)
Wooster: I may be as thick as the large print copy of War and Peace but even I think that isn't going to work!
Bingley: I think it might work!
Darcy: (smacks Bingley around the head again)
Bingley: Awww! Darcy, play nice!
Artful Dodger: GUYS!
Bingley and Darcy: Whaaaaaat?
Artful Dodger: Nevermind.
Marley: (takes charge) We must solve the mystery!
Scooby Doo: Zoinks!
Marley: Who Killed Sherlock Holmes?
Watson: He's right! This /is/ ironic!
Marley: Let's split up and search for clues!
All: Righto! (split up and search for clues)
Wooster: Hmm…a trail of blood…(follows)
(a few seconds later)
Wooster: (sees KPT nibbling ketchup drenched French fries) Did you see a trail of blood anywhere old chap?
KPT: (with his mouth full) Nopeitidoodles!
Wooster: I see.
Jeeves: (picks up deerstalker hat) I believe this was Mr. Holmes' hat, sir?
Watson: Yeah, he had a fondness for weird hats.
Jeeves: Righto.
Marley: Tum-de-dum-de-dum…EEEK!
Everyone Else: WHAT?
Marley: D-d-dead…detective…in…funny hat!
Watson: Looks like he had a spare hat then!
Scrooge: Look! (points to Holmes' hand) He isn't holding his magnifying glass!
(Shocked gasps)
Scrooge: WILL YOU ALL PLEASE STOP GASPING IN SHOCK WHENEVER SOMETHING DRAMATIC HAPPENS?
(Mumbled apologies)
Scrooge: Now…(strokes chin) why is that?
Cratchit: Look! (points to sceptre lying beside Sherlock's body)
(Everyone stifles gasps of shock)
Marley: (excitedly) Guys! I think I've solved the mystery!
(Everyone hold their breath…)
Wooster: (gasps, chokes, wheezes)
Jeeves: Not literally sir!
Wooster: Oh.
Marley: (dramatically) It was Queen Elizabeth I, in the drawing room, with the sceptre!
Elizabeth I: Well! What did you expect me to do? He had a shiny and he wouldn't give it to me! (pouts) I am Queen, aren't I? I should have all the shiny things I want! (holds up magnifying glass triumphantly) But see! Here! It is mine! BWAHAHAHAHA-
(She is cut off mid-laugh as Darcy grabs the magnifying glass from her and snaps it in half)
Darcy: It was tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt me.
Bingley: Um…that's a magnifying glass, Darcy…
Darcy: SO?
Clarence: (appears, wielding cattle prod) Alright you lot! Back in the character closet with you! Move it!
All: (break into song and dance; 'I Like To Move It')
The End (for now…)
