Scrooge & Marley: The Play Of Utter Randomness

Part Nine

-triumphant music-

Hope you enjoy it, dear readers & reviewers! Sorry it's been so long! D:

Marley: OW!

Cratchit: ARGH!

KPT: Methinks we've been stuffed in that character closet for too long!

Scrooge: No kiddin'.

All: Eh?

Scrooge: (shrugs)

GOHYTC: So. Shall we embark on our next adventure?

Marley: Sounds like a plan! (grins manically)

Cratchit: Soooo…

Marley: (sings, to self) Lovely bread, lovely bread, lovely lovely bread…

(Everyone ignores him)

Cratchit: As I was saying…

Scrooge: (interrupts) You weren't saying anything!

Cratchit: Oh. Right.

Artful Dodger: (emerges from character closet) Cor! Tha' wos weird!

KPT: Oh snap.

(Many more random characters and famous people suddenly begin emerging from the character closet…)

Elizabeth I: I want a prezzie! Make it nice and shiny!

Mr. Bingley: WAFFLES!

Mr. Darcy: (smacks Bingley around the head)

Bertie Wooster: I say, Jeeves, this is a rum do, what!

Jeeves: Indeed, sir.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson!

Watson: Like DUH Sherlock!

Holmes: Pardon?

Elizabeth I: WHERE'S MY PREZZIE?

Sherlock Holmes: Let's split up and search for clues!

Scooby Doo: Ra-huh! Clues!

Watson: (forehead slap)

Marley: QUIET!

(Everyone shuts up)

Dodger: (closes the character closet door with a sheepish grin) Sorry guvn'r!

Scrooge: Roll call!

(Everyone stands in a line)

Scrooge: Artful Dodger?

Artful Dodger: 'Ello mate!

Scrooge: Her Majesty Elizabeth I of England?

Elizabeth I: Hmph.

Scrooge: Charles Bingley of Netherfield Park?

Bingley: (waves hand in the air manically) PRESENT!

Elizabeth I: WHERE?

Scrooge: (speaks louder) Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberly Estate?

Mr. Darcy: (grunts)

Scrooge: (eyetwitch) Jeeves and Wooster?

Wooster and Jeeves: (in unison) Accounted for!

Scrooge: Sherlock Holmes?

(No answer)

Scrooge: Sherlock Holmes?

(shocked scream and panicked voices)

Scrooge: What happened? Where's Sherlock Holmes?

Cratchit: Uh…guys? Sherlock Holmes is…dead.

(dramatic music)

(one advert break later…)

All: WHAT?

Marley: How ironic.

Scrooge: Shut it Marl!

Marley: Sheesh! (shuts it)

GOHYTC: Don't worry guys, don't panic! I have this all under control!

(Stunned silence)

GOHYTC: Who here has ever played Cluedo?

Jeeves: The murder mystery board game, sir?

GOHYTC: Precisely.

Jeeves: (looks confused)

(Everyone gasps in shock)

(Returning to the matter at hand…)

GOHYTC: As I was saying…you know what this means?

(Blank stares)

GOHYTC: We must wander into random rooms and shout accusations at each other! (nods triumphantly)

Wooster: I may be as thick as the large print copy of War and Peace but even I think that isn't going to work!

Bingley: I think it might work!

Darcy: (smacks Bingley around the head again)

Bingley: Awww! Darcy, play nice!

Artful Dodger: GUYS!

Bingley and Darcy: Whaaaaaat?

Artful Dodger: Nevermind.

Marley: (takes charge) We must solve the mystery!

Scooby Doo: Zoinks!

Marley: Who Killed Sherlock Holmes?

Watson: He's right! This /is/ ironic!

Marley: Let's split up and search for clues!

All: Righto! (split up and search for clues)

Wooster: Hmm…a trail of blood…(follows)

(a few seconds later)

Wooster: (sees KPT nibbling ketchup drenched French fries) Did you see a trail of blood anywhere old chap?

KPT: (with his mouth full) Nopeitidoodles!

Wooster: I see.

Jeeves: (picks up deerstalker hat) I believe this was Mr. Holmes' hat, sir?

Watson: Yeah, he had a fondness for weird hats.

Jeeves: Righto.

Marley: Tum-de-dum-de-dum…EEEK!

Everyone Else: WHAT?

Marley: D-d-dead…detective…in…funny hat!

Watson: Looks like he had a spare hat then!

Scrooge: Look! (points to Holmes' hand) He isn't holding his magnifying glass!

(Shocked gasps)

Scrooge: WILL YOU ALL PLEASE STOP GASPING IN SHOCK WHENEVER SOMETHING DRAMATIC HAPPENS?

(Mumbled apologies)

Scrooge: Now…(strokes chin) why is that?

Cratchit: Look! (points to sceptre lying beside Sherlock's body)

(Everyone stifles gasps of shock)

Marley: (excitedly) Guys! I think I've solved the mystery!

(Everyone hold their breath…)

Wooster: (gasps, chokes, wheezes)

Jeeves: Not literally sir!

Wooster: Oh.

Marley: (dramatically) It was Queen Elizabeth I, in the drawing room, with the sceptre!

Elizabeth I: Well! What did you expect me to do? He had a shiny and he wouldn't give it to me! (pouts) I am Queen, aren't I? I should have all the shiny things I want! (holds up magnifying glass triumphantly) But see! Here! It is mine! BWAHAHAHAHA-

(She is cut off mid-laugh as Darcy grabs the magnifying glass from her and snaps it in half)

Darcy: It was tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt me.

Bingley: Um…that's a magnifying glass, Darcy…

Darcy: SO?

Clarence: (appears, wielding cattle prod) Alright you lot! Back in the character closet with you! Move it!

All: (break into song and dance; 'I Like To Move It')

The End (for now…)