I do not own The Hunger Games.

A.N.: Does writing Peeta make anyone else hungry?

Peeta's POV

I'm explaining my nightmares and paintings to Dr. Aurelius who has come to see me in my studio at the President's mansion. Being in the President's Mansion gives me more time to paint since I don't have to go back and forth to my rooms. I walk him around the room, explaining some of the things that he sees. The obviously easy ones are the drawings of Paylor that I am using as my concept drawings for her portrait. I laughingly refer to the portrait as my "day job". I'm pleased with the way the drawings are coming along, but something is still missing. I promise myself that I'll spend some more time on the concept for her portrait after my session.

The harder ones to explain are the ones children. Rue lies in a green meadow, flowers around her sleeping form. Except I know it's no sleeping, she's dead. Prim is wreathed in flames, her braid blowing forward in the wind from the explosion. She wears a look of intense longing on her face as she reaches out for her sister. My brothers, who are wrestling with each other and pointing to a spot outside of the drawing while they laugh in that mocking and slightly cruel way that only older brothers can. My brothers who didn't even have a funeral. I think they are laughing at pointing at me.

"It seems like every night I see a parade of children in my dreams: Rue, Prim, Katniss, my brothers, the some children form the Capitol. I wake up screaming and know that I'll never get back to sleep until I paint them. So I come here and spend the rest of the night doing this," I motion to the canvases that are littered around the room.

"Peeta, do you have any idea why you would be dreaming about children?" Dr. Aurelius asks. It's hard to tell if he has an opinion of the images he sees around him. He doesn't let on much with his facial expressions.

"I don't know. These are dreams of sadness. They are violent, and there is death, that's true. But there aren't mutts in these dreams. They're not about children trying to kill other children. These are horrible things being done to the children without an obvious way to stop it." I scrub my face with my hand. I've been thinking about this for days. So many people died. Why these children?

"Do you feel responsible for their deaths?"

"Katniss isn't dead." I answer very quickly. It's the dream I dread the most: the slow-motion running as the fireball that incinerates Prim. In the dream, the fireball reaches out to Katniss and I know I cannot reach her in time. I run and run and feel the burning in my lungs as I try to pump my legs faster and faster. I wake up after I watch the flames consume her, her screams echoing in my head.

"Fair enough. What about your brothers?" Dr. Aurelius takes off his glasses and cleans them slowly. He appears to have all the time in the world.

"I don't know. Maybe it's guilt. Why am I still alive? I may be damaged, but I'm still here. And I was supposed to die – in the Games and then again in the Quell. I was prepared to die." I stare down at the pencil I'm clutching in my fist. I say more quietly, "I wanted to die."

"When did you want to die, Peeta?" Dr. Aurelius gently pushes his glasses back on his nose. His eyes seem very piercing and I am trying to avoid them.

"When the Capitol took me. When I realized that I had tried to strangle Katniss in 13. When Coin dropped me in the Capitol with Katniss. When I didn't think I could reach her in time when the parachutes detonated." I think but do not say out loud – when she was laying there in her bed, unmoving. It should have been me. I close my eyes.

I see Katniss's face very close to mine. The smell of roses and Finnick's blood is in the air. I am losing control and I want to kill her. She's the reason we're all dying – the reason the air smells like roses and blood. I can feel the muscles in my arms fight my handcuffs and I want nothing more than to let the anger rise up and snap her in two. I see red as I stare and her. She is so very close and my entire body goes rigid. I hear my blood raging through my veins as she kisses me. Her warm body is next to mine and the smell of her overpowers the roses and the blood. Her lips are softer that I expect on my clenched lips. We kiss for a long time and I feel the pounding of my pulse recede. She pulls away and says "Don't let him take you from me…stay with me."

I come back to Dr. Aurelius watching quietly. "When President Snow had you tortured? You wished you had died then?"

"The torture was almost a relief. Every time I heard a scream – from Johanna or from Darius-the-Avox or any of the others that were there with me, I wanted to die. I wanted my heart to burst and I was hoping it was over. At least the torture helped me to block out their screams. Do you know what an Avox scream sounds like?" I do. I hear those screams many nights.

He doesn't answer. I know he's never heard those screams. "What about the children, Peeta? You said that you feel guilty and don't know why you are still here while those others aren't. If that is true, what can you do about that?"

I scrub my face again. I am so tired. "I don't know. Honor them by painting them? Bring them back to life in a painting or drawing. Or cookie." I think of Prim's cookies, being sold now in most of the districts. "Try to do…something…to make sure their sacrifice isn't for nothing. Carry them with me in my heart and try to live a good life for them." I know I'm not saying what I feel because it's just too big. My heart is just too full of tears when I think of those children. All thing things I'll never get to say to my brothers. Rue, whose death I didn't see except on the replay of the Games. A little girl in a yellow raincoat who gets caught in crossfire while we steal our way closer to Snow in the Capitol. I close my eyes but the images stay right there. I want to fall into the darkness that is fighting to take over my heart when I hear Katniss' voice again in my head, "Stay with me…."

"Peeta, do you still wish you were dead?"

I open my eyes. I look around me at the paintings and drawings and at the late afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. "No."

"Several of those times when you did wish to be dead involved Katniss. If you were to see her again, do you think that you would wish harm upon yourself again?"

I think about that: a good portion of the circumstances where I wanted to die are tangled up with Katniss. If I am really honest, almost all of them tie into memories of her. I feel more centered now, but she isn't here to test out how strong I really am. I recall the feel of my hands on her throat: the horror and the triumph I felt. I shudder. Then I remember the day that Coin was shot: I felt pretty centered that day right up until I grabbed her to keep her away from her Nightlock. I was shaky then – a combination of too much adrenaline and fear. I am still not sure if I was afraid for her or afraid that she was going to kill all of us. I remember telling her that I couldn't let her go. "Stay with me….' I whispered in my head.

That was the last time I touched her.

Dr. Aurelius is expecting an answer. "I don't know. I'm stronger now. I think I still have more work to do, though." I don't voice the thoughts in my head – What if I am never strong enough? What if she never trusts me? What if I never trust myself? I'm not sure that being around Katniss is ever going to be possible.

Dr. Aurelius nods. "I think that is a safe answer, Peeta. You've done remarkably well - better than I could have hoped. I do think we have more work to do on your memories and your forward progress." He gets up and crosses to the door to my studio, "For our next session, I would like you to think about two things. One: what are you doing to honor those children and Two: what would those children forgiving you feel like?"

He walks out the door, not expecting an answer. I turn blindly to the light outside the window. I know my answer already because I know what forgiveness feels like: it's a warm pair of hands and soft lips on mine. I touch my lips as if I can feel that kiss. I hear the whisper in my head again,"…Stay with me…."

I feel a tear trickle wetly down my cheek and hide my face in my hands to block out the light when I hear my own voice answer in my head, "Always…"