Chapter 9. See His Nose? It Hurts, It's Sensitive

Mike would take a blaster bolt for any of his team, even if they were a big bunch of clusterfucks. But there were times when he would have loved nothing more than to drop out and let them combust on their chaos, this was one of the later times. Mike, Yanis, and the team were all scheduled to have a sensitivity training seminar. This would have been a slight irritation normally, but they also had guests. Obi-Wan, in an effort to be inconspicuous, had asked Mike for a ride to a mission in the outer rim areas. Accompanying him was Barriss Offee, Anakin Skywalker, and Ahsoka Tano. These Jedi were now being privy to the madness that was this team once again.

To give some background on the situation requires a look to an event about two weeks ago. Yanis had fit in well, though stayed away from actual combat since that wasn't his area, and helped the team party after they helped with a particularly devastating blow to the Separatists. The job was to eliminate Separatist forces that had managed to get into the mid-rim, one of areas of interest being close to Naboo. The mission was an easy one, the Madhouse had been upgraded enough to be a very fast, nimble, and well-armed ship so it was child's play to disable some of the Separatist cruisers. They even got into a game with Skywalker as to who could take out more ships, Skywalker won and was invited to join the team in celebration. Which is where the problems started.

When the Madhouse crew party, they party hard.

They weren't allowed on Naboo, banned years ago for totally illegitimate reasons (*Cough* Mike was drunk, Ventress was a perv, Savage, Aurra, and Dooku charged with public indecency with the latter guilty of skinny dipping, Boba 'accidently' jetpack flew his way into some woman's bath. Maul, Grievous, and Ronderu were all staying back, content to watch the chaos unfold.) So the group all decided to simply use the Madhouse as their party hut.

When Mike started drinking, deciding that Ventress would have no need to ask him for anything any time soon, he and Skywalker were swapping tales of their missions. The next thing Mike knew he was waking up with a splitting headache, one he soon recognized as a hangover. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, wincing at the sound of metal and glass shifting quite loudly. When his vision cleared he looked around, requiring a few seconds to realize that he was sitting in his room surrounded by empty bottles and cans.

"Wow, look at all the dead soldiers." Mike croaked out, forcing his feet under him and rising. He swayed a bit, before managing to get his balance mostly sorted.

The first thing about the hallway that caught Mike's attention was the massive scorch mark on the floor, as if someone rode a thrust engine and burned a large, black line into the floor the length of the hall. Following the mark Mike found himself in the rec room, and some of his team. There was a crudely constructed speeder bike half submerged in the pool, most of the go karts were piled up on the track, a number of tables had been stacked into some large multi-level structure, and it looked like someone tried to construct a large slingshot out of a large elastic band and two flagpoles.

As for the occupants of the room that was a bit simpler, Dooku was snoring away on the diving board, wearing, of all things, a bedsheet wrapped like a toga. Maul was on the ground next to the table pile, Boba was passed out in a pile of bean bags that Mike saw were directly in line from where the speeder bike was in the pool, and a broader look revealed Grievous using a grill, unlit of course, as a pillow, and Ventress was in one of the movie rooms watching Frozen of all things (It's my story, so I get to include whatever I damn well please!). That accounted for most of the team, the rest wouldn't be too hard to find.

A knock on Savage's door elicited some shifting sounds, a groan, and a tired Zabrak face appearing as the door opened slightly.

"Aurra with you?" Mike asked.

"Yep." Savage replied, rubbing his eyes.

"Carry on then." Mike said, Savage nodded and closed the door.

Ronderu and Yanis were on the bridge, and both looked amused to see Mike.

"Welcome back to the world of the sober." Yanis said, smirking as he drank from a mug.

"Do I even want to see the security cams?" Mike asked Ronderu, her answer stunned him.

"Maybe, it would be a while to look though it all. You've been out of it for about two days." Ronderu said simply.

Mike simply sat down, accepting the cup of tea the remaining Kaleesh offered, and began to review the footage of the last week. It seems that Dooku, Ventress, and Maul all got really drunk as well. Dooku was slurring poetry before face planting on the diving board, apparently at some point he had fashioned his toga to better be inspired. Ventress had secluded herself to the movie room Mike had found her in and hadn't come out since. Maul and Savage had gathered the tables to play king of the hill, and when Maul's drunk ass had been thrown from the top he fell asleep on the ground. Boba's behavior was very erratic as well (Mike would later discover that someone spiked Boba's drink.), as he decided to drive a speeder bike right at the pool. Mike suspected that he was trying to jump the small body of water but forgot a ramp.

Ronderu was shaking with quiet laughter while Yanis simply looked at Mike over his arched fingers. Mike, knowing that Yanis being the HR/PR guy, would take action about this. He had to do something to save face and put into the team records. Most clients were amused and impressed by the antics that this group got up to but they had to know that there was still a degree of professionalism when needed.

Which brings us back to today. Unfortunately Yanis had intentionally scheduled this meeting to interfere with one of the team's most treasured weekly traditions. Meaning that the team, for the second time in their history, would have to cancel Taco Tuesday. Mike, like the rest of the team, was deeply upset about this. But as his eyes scanned the room he noticed some individuals missing.

"Where the Hell are Savage and Aurra?" Mike demanded.

"They stayed sober and didn't contribute to the destruction of the ship, so they and Ronderu are exempt from this seminar." Yanis said, his trademarked sunglasses resting on his forehead.

In the docking bay the three in question were piling into a small drop ship, intent on being away from the rest of the team right now. As if knowing that they were the center of attention right now Aurra, the last to board, stopped at the ship's threshold and looked out.

"Nope." She said simply, hitting the proper button and closing the ship's door. It took off as fast as its engines could handle.

"Alright everyone…" Yanis opened, bringing attention back to the main event. "We are going to discuss a little thing called 'Sexual Harassment' to start us off." Yanis said, immediately every gaze turned towards Ventress. "We have an entire filing cabinet full of complaints and while I don't normally like to name names they all stem from two people, so I've got to call you guys out. Maul, Ventress."

The two looked at the gazes directed their way, a bit sheepish for once.

"Ventress, if my readings are right then you get told about this almost every mission. So I'm leaving it at that since I don't feel like wasting breath. But Maul…" The Zabrak looked at the small green figure. "You have less complaints than Ventress but all of yours stem from using your saberstaff as a sexual innuendo."

"I would never." Maul protested.

"Really…?" Yanis asked, pulling a datapad from his pocket and fiddling with it for a moment. "What about 'careful there, it's quite hefty', 'you're going to need two hands for this', 'Yeah, it's pretty big', 'my eyes are up here but my staff is down there', or 'hands off my staff'." Yanis reeled off.

"In my defense, the last one was really about my saberstaff." Maul acquiesced.

"Moving on. I've prepared a small statement that will be HR's official statement seen by prospective clients and applicants." Yanis scrolled to the proper document on his pad. "The Madhouse is a team that is willing to employ and offer employment to any who wish to join baring only the most severe of criminal offenses. All members, after completing the necessary probation period, are to be treated with the same respect as long time members. So for instance if we get a new guy and he passes the checks and probation period then they will be regarded as equal to the rest of the team."

The team, who had been listening carefully, nodded. The great thing about this team is that they didn't need to have a drawn out process to tell them 'you fucked up.' Mike would typically just say it and be done, and that would be enough. The team would have fun, the team would get carried away sometimes, but they still learned and moved forward. The seminar was concluded pretty simply, and at the end Mike reached out with the Force and found the exempted trio on a planet below. When he investigated further his eyes snapped open.

"OH YOU LITTLE SHITS!" Mike shouted. In a small shack down below Savage, Aurra, and Ronderu were munching away at a big box of tacos. Savage and Aurra, being Force sensitive, paused before smirking. Ronderu watched in amused silence as each on lifted a new taco and, with mouths still full, yelled out "TACOS!" before biting into the delicious crunchy food items.

If you've watched "The Office of Smite" on YouTube you will have recognized this chapter. At this point all that is happening is that the Separatists are being cleaned up, dissenting systems are being brought back into the Republic fold, and getting involved in no shortage of wacky shenanigans. As it is, I'm just writing out crack chapters and seeking to entertain those who will find this entertaining. If you like this story then please consider taking a look at the other stories I have written, I am currently attempting to work in the current revelations about Steven Universe into the Blood Diamond story so that may take a bit of time.