I'm having a hard time writing. This was hard work and strayed so far from the initial idea I had for this chapter that it isn't even funny anymore how much material I deleted. It's just been proofread once, not beta'd or properly edited and I apologise for any mistakes or even inconsistencies. I am aware that my complete timeline is fucked up, should I EVER find the time, I'm gonna go back through all three parts and correct those issues.
If anyone is still reading this long-winded tale that I love with all my heart, thank you! I'm gonna bring it to a conclusion, no matter how much sleep I'm gonna have to sacrifice.
As usual, flashbacks are in italics.
6. Teenage kicks
The aquamarine hue at the edge of the horizon announced the beginning of the day already. Eli shifted in their joined sleeping bags, carefully enough not to disturb the softly snoring figure next to her, barely enough to catch that hint at the blue hour closing in. Inevitably. They had left the flaps of the small tent open, it had been late enough for even the mosquitoes to have given up on trying to feed off them, but the campfire still glowed, the woman in her arms not yet tired of the sight. Nor of the wine, or the company.
The summer had left the grounds they slept on radiating with warmth, the moss dark green and dry, the trees almost reaching their most radiant intensity as they swayed lightly in the breeze. They were enveloped in the glory of nature, and contrary to this morning, all the colours surrounding them had reflected this eternal comfort of the changing of the seasons. Now the world had turned a steely blue, the forest still and statuesque, almost making her feel that if she took a breath too deep, she would wake them. The clearing was wide enough and open to the flat of a plain, rocks and patches of high grass alternating and giving way to a view at the mountains.
Stirring distracted Eli. The small space they shared seemed to heat up with her sleeping companion's growing closeness. They had drifted apart during the night, it figured they would after the past weeks, like life had a way to transpire, creep into this crevice of their time, too.
Relishing in the momentary closeness, Eli made no move to alert to her wakefulness. She just stared, not yet at peace again, at the landscape washed in blues. Cold compared to what she sought.
"Do you know what your middle name means, sweetness?" Sara's voice was laced with sleep and exhaustion, and if Eli squinted she could detect that hint of exasperation that it had taken on some time ago now. Calmly, not even startled by missing that Sara had woken up, she shook her head, unconsciously and completely unnecessary, since Sara's back was turned to her.
"No, I actually don't." She added just to make sure.
"It means 'powerful battler'."
She snorted. "Well that's the only thing I can actually relate to when thinking of that god-awful heirloom."
Very well knowing her sarcasm wasn't well received lately, she still couldn't bring herself to not react the same way all over again.
But Sara let it slide, this time, she just propped herself up on her elbow, craning her neck so her hair fell in waves to the side and she could look at Eli out of the corner of her eyes.
"I was gonna go somewhere with that, just listen."
Her alertness was almost scary. Eli herself seemed to drift on a cloud forged out of the volatile mixture of relief and expectation.
Taking a chance, she brushed the dark strands even more to the side and fleetingly kissed the side of Sara's neck, her lips lingering for a second, meaning nothing but 'I'm listening'.
Sara's sigh was paired with the first tendril of sunlight falling across the plain.
"You fight too hard, Sparrow. You fight for more than your strength's worth. You do not have to carry the weight of the world around with you. You are not choosing your battles well, and you would be more powerful resolving those who so desperately need resolving if you concentrated your abundance of strength on those few rather than trying to save the damn fucking planet."
It definitely was too early for swearing. Or heavy, even loaded conversations like this. She needed at least two cups of coffee and being awake longer than 10 minutes before she could keep up. Eli's brow creased in confusion, her hand already seeking out the zipper that would open their cocoon to the cold outside.
"It's such a fitting name." She could almost taste the tears that laced Sara's voice now, hear them even though the still sleep-laden rasp. "What am I gonna do with you, Eli?"
Seconds ticked by, then minutes. Lighter and lighter the sky outside, the blue fading and giving way to the true colours of early morning, mid September.
Birds chirped, their song of dawn almost sung. The sound of the wind rustling the leaves reached Eli's ears again.
The hand that slipped underneath the hem her grandpa long sleeve and settled on the outer ridge of her ribcage was too warm and too familiar, and Eli flinched away, almost violently. But the pressure on her newest acquirement in scars didn't lessen.
"I love you." It was the second time Eli ever felt like Sara almost choked on those words. "I love you." Quieter, with more insistence. "I love you." Final. A breath expelled in a resigned huff and the warmth disappeared so abruptly that Eli flinched again, not the least bit ready to feel the loss of it so acutely.
The air condensed on front of Eli's mouth as she was left alone in the tent.
And Sara was already stoking to relight the fire, in desperate need of caffeine. Of forcing the fog in her mind to clear. Maybe if they stayed here a little bit longer...
"I can't change that much. Not even for you."
More a breath than even a whisper, it escaperd Eli, fearful.
The brunette turned around, and though shaking her head almost in disbelief, her expression was full of comfort, understanding, even though Eli knew she was struggling.
"No, sweetness, not for me. But you can, if you do it for yourself."
How had she even managed to hear that? Eli's brows furrowed, mouth falling slightly open.
"So it's hard right now. So what? Nothing can always be easy. I won't run away because it does get hard now and again. What gets to me is that sometimes I get the feeling you still don't believe me fully when I say I love you." She shook her head again. "I know you do. I know you understand what this is. But you're making it so hard on yourself, Eli. And I'm mostly just worried. Not about us, about you. What it all will do to you. You'll crash and burn, one day, if you keep at it like this. And I won't let you." Unrelenting.
Having the fire going again, Sara filled the metal pot with ground coffee and water from a big plastic container, hanging it back on the hook over the fire.
"Your worry came across a lot like anger lately." Eli stayed defensive, not knowing how to respond any other way.
"Do you think I have a temper?" Sara just inquired, neutrally.
Eli almost, almost smiled.
"Oh yes, you do. Have that."
"There you go. You can be such a stubborn, self-contained fool sometimes that I just want to smash a plate across your head."
Looking down at her hands fidgeting with the zipper of their sleeping bags, Eli scowled. She looked so much like a child that moment that Sara had to swallow, hard.
"Marry me, Eli."
Eli's head shot up, stare blank, mind blank, hands still, faculties gone, completely.
Sara just shook her head.
"That wasn't how it was supposed to go." She took a deep breath, tensed her shoulders before relaxing them again, slowly turning fully towards a still shell-shocked Eli.
"You are the most infuriating, stubborn, passionate, beautiful, amazing person I have ever met. I love you so much that it physically hurts sometimes. I love you more than I knew I could ever love somebody. I understood what loving someone, committing to someone, going through thick and thin with someone really meant, because of you. It was a long time coming, but it happened when we both were actually ready to really do this. And I don't wanna stop. Not now, not when the next obstacle is to overcome, not ever. I told you once, and I won't grow tired of repeating myself. This is it for me, Eli. You're it. Nothing could stop me from loving you. And showing you, in all my different ways. Whether I laugh with you, lie with you, argue with you, sulk at you, wait for you to catch up with me, yell at you or just rest my head on your shoulder and fall asleep with you right beside me. I love you. So marry me, Eli. It is time I finally asked you."
The tears came unbidden and overwhelmingly intense. Strong enough to rob Eli of all words. All that escaped her mouth was an ugly sob, but she scrambled to get up and out of the confines of sleeping bag and tent, certainly ruining her chinos when she slid down to the overgrown ground beside Sara. Hesitantly she reached out for the brunette's hand that found hers instantly, fingers entwining.
"I-" Eli cleared her throat, her other hand wiping furiously at her eyes, while Sara was silently watching her, not gauging her reaction, not even really waiting, just looking at her with those soulful, honest eyes.
"I- yes. Yes of course, I'll marry you. I- why- now?"
Sara's hand finds her cheek, stroking it softly, wiping the last tears away, her thumb across a cheekbone, then lower, brushing her lips, so reverently, her eyes so clear as they bore into hers, so knowing, so sure.
"Because I just cannot wait until we get home. Screw the dinner that's waiting for us. Screw that the ring is in the lockbox with my gun. Screw the candles and wine and Etta. I had Etta planned. Because 'at last', you know? At long last... Screw that set of underwear that cost me a damn fucking fortune, really. I don't need that. We don't. This, this is us, right here, like this."
The finger tugged at Eli's bottom lip more insistent now while Sara slowly leaned forward.
"I love you."
Their lips touched, and Eli would never get over how this felt just like the very first time all over again. Exhilaratingly, frighteningly perfect. They got lost in the kiss, not ashamed of more tears that were shed and wiped away again.
It was the smell of burning coffee that finally got them to part, staring at the fire and the smoking pot, and laughing about nothing but this being so typically - them.
Some memories came creeping when she least needed them to. And ones like this once again strengthened the fabric of perfection Eli had thrown over her whole relationship with Sara just enough to sadden her to the point of wanting to crawl into bed and not get up for days. How could she ever even begin to think she could leave this to the past. How could her love for someone else ever be fair? How could anyone ever live up? No matter how different, in her heart she knew she couldn't do it. She just couldn't. She just wanted to sleep forever, dream forever, remember forever.
Have forever.
But she couldn't do that anymore now, could she? Realisation was a bitch. Going on living and understanding what that meant was cruel and undeniable at the same time.
Most of all, she already was in bed, and she wasn't alone. No time to wallow, not now.
The arm wound around her waist held her tightly, even in her sleep the blonde couldn't seem to let go of her. Eli closed her eyes, fighting the inevitable hangover she felt building behind her forehead. Last night it had felt so right. Frighteningly enough it still did. And these butterfly kisses scattered all over her shoulder blades then shattered her resolve and let the memories, recent and old, fade into distance.
"Mornin'..." The Bostonian inflection in her voice still irked Eli. "They're still there." Bemused fascination.
Huh? She scrunched up her face, befuddled.
"Your tats, silly. I thought I'd had this dream, where I met my first love again, twenty years later, and she was just as tall and dark and handsome and broody and sarcastic, but she was also one huge work of art. You know how I love art."
The tip of a tongue at the base of her neck made her hair instantly stand on end. The groan that erupted was low and rumbling.
"She definitely appreciates your adoration, even though it's only in dreams. Mmh, that kind, too. Feels more real now, doesn't it?"
The chuckle was outrageously dirty, but welcome.
One, two, three days had faded into a week of daily lunches, then lunches and dinners, then theatre and drinks, and finally this.
"Florentine." Her name still held some of the flavour of stale, stolen beer, chap stick, the chalky air of gym changing rooms, and first declarations of love over cherry pie in her grandmother's garden café.
"Elisabeth." Perfectly timed with a pinch to a very sensitive spot, Eli's aggravation vanished into a moan.
Flo let go and fell back into the cushions, her eyes rolling up before fixing Eli with a burning stare.
"God, can you do that again?" A perfectly plucked and now arched eyebrow exemplified the changes Flo had gone through, from gangly teenager who spent most of her day in cleats, and training and studying were her whole world, not giving much on appearances, she'd grown into a woman that made heads swivel, surely, who had a sense of fashion matching Eli's own, but in a decidedly feminine capacity. The dirty blonde hair once carelessly swept up in a practical ponytail was now a shade lighter, brown highlights setting off her hazel eyes, and fell in neat waves around her angular, sculpted face. She kept herself well in shape, and Eli was sure she could still outrun her like in their goalkeeper vs. forward days. Eli's best guess was on equal amounts of jogging, Pilates and weights. Florence closing in on forty wasn't too far a cry from her teenage self, just more sophisticated and simply grown out of training shorts and baggy hoodies.
Eli lazily turned into the embrace that felt at the same time comfortable and strange, her eyes wide open now.
"What exactly do you mean? It's like we don't have established a kind of a variety to choose from over the past-" Eli stopped to look at the bedside clock that read a frightening 11:34am. "-11 hours."
Flo sank back into the cushions, her hair fanning out around them as she smirked.
"How about - everything."
Already dialing room service, Eli huffed good-naturedly. "God, you do realise I'm not 16 anymore. I'm not a machine."
The hand running up and down her spine made her stumble over her words as she tried to order breakfast. It also didn't help much that Flo breathed into her ear. "But you're built like one. It's enthralling to watch you exert yourself. Flex again, will you?"
It was not too weird to admire the same treats about one another.
And Eli did flex some more muscles before Greek Yogurt, diced fruit, whole-wheat toast, a selection of Italian cheeses, a skinny soy latte and a large, very sweet black coffee arrived.
When Florentine left for Boston another week later, Eli was left behind feeling fulfilled, sufficiently distracted, and a tad more sure of an important, so far neglected part of her past. Finally having worked through her first loss, she had gained some clarity that had been lacking in her other musings.
They'd told each other everything. In minute detail, they had shared their respective life stories, the mutual trust driving them to not leave out or embellish even the hardships, and they've both had their share.
The dwindling of contact was much easier to understand now. After all, they had been teenagers. They'd been in love, for the first time, truly and honestly, but both knew it hadn't been the love that kept people together for a lifetime or even beyond. The beauty lay in the recollection of it all, how they had each shaped the other into something they wouldn't have become otherwise, in the most impressionable period of every person's life. The loss had hurt, had left its mark deeply, resonating with every new loss that came upon them, and to understand that had probably been the most enlightening moment of the past two weeks. And it was the moment of forgiveness, for more than just the way their relationship had ended. But for the way most things ended somehow, and yet you could go on, you could find that it was not abandoning, but simply change, and moving on. And it didn't always have to be a tragic thing.
The physical manifestation of their renewed bond was just that, two people who had loved like crazy once reconnecting. It was attraction 2.0, it was a rediscovery and though everything was new, everything was familiar. Their shares of experiences acknowledged, and put to very good use, they complimented each other perfectly, just like they'd always had, and for three days in a row Eli woke to the most glorious ache and pleasurable exhaustion she'd known in a long while.
On the forth it was for an entirely different reason. When Flo showed up at the fenced-in street soccer facility, usually used by a wild bunch of teenagers who couldn't afford training camps or driving far out to the big soccer fields, it was a grey Saturday morning, too early for anyone to be using the court, and her gym bag fell heavy on the metal bench. She really looked like the old Flo now. Ponytail, little to no makeup, New England Revolution jersey and shorts. Old school Sambas on her feet, knee-highs and even shin guards underneath.
"You still play sometimes?" Eli asked while lacing her Beckenbauers tightly. Strange that the topic soccer had not once come up in their dusk till dawn talks.
Flo grinned sheepishly. "I may have joined an amateur women's league when I finally got settled in Boston and knowing I wouldn't leave any time soon."
"Sonofabitch!" Eli exclaimed. "You're gonna kill me, aren't you?"
"Eli. Soccer is a team sport. We're only fooling around here. This is not Basketball. One on one in soccer is rather dull..."
"Then why are we doing this again?"
"Because we haven't in far too long. Come visit Boston and I'm sure it can be arranged that Becca will give you a try at her goal. She's always up for some competition, most of all when it's good."
She looks at Eli with the sort of happy/sad melancholy on her face that makes the other woman want to instantly hug her.
"You are gonna visit, yeah?"
Eli smacks her lips and doesn't look up at Flo as she gets the ball out of her bag.
"I will. I already have a couple of vacation days, and I'm planning not to fall back into old habits too much. Since I don't really want to go visit Vegas and-" at this she just shrugs like she hadn't even known herself this would come so naturally. "I actually really don't want to lose contact with you again, Boston it is."
"Good." The blonde smiles. " Me neither."
They look at each other while Eli bounces the ball on her closed fist.
"You can always use a good friend in your life."
"I think the same about you, Flo."
When they share an obscene amount of pancakes in a diner down the road two hours later, still sweating and positively tired, Florence can't help but address the topic Sofia once more. Eli has sure made her point about the Lieutenant Flo would die to meet in person, but even after all these years her instincts about her friend's sensitivities have not abandoned her.
"So, what are you gonna do about your fallout with Sofia."
Eli glares at her across the old wooden table.
"Don't." She warns, but Flo just huffs.
"Come on... You really expect me to gather all this knowledge about you and not get back to the points? Didn't we go over this? I am more than happy about the way we can talk to each other today, about how easy it is to just be friends again. So I am being a friend here. Tomorrow afternoon I'll be on a plane back home. We'll write mails, there will be the occasional phone call and I'll send you ridiculous pics of me with my nieces and nephews. We'll sure talk about important stuff, too, but it's not the same, it's not eye to eye."
Silence and chewing. Typical Eli. Stubborn.
"So Sofia is your touchstone. The one without whom you would not have been able to get to where you are today."
Eli nodded. Florence was merely stating what she herself had said about her friend.
"And let me get this straight here, because even though others might have addressed it-" Dark eyebrows rose in contempt of what was to come, but Flo was undeterred. "-you need to hear it from me, too. You, despite your loss, despite your pain, despite your desperate attempts not to, despite being too foolishly honourable of Sara's memory, you have fallen in love, again." The pause was not artificial, Flo fixed Eli with a hard stare. "Come to fucking terms with it. She's dead, Eli." There was no venom in Flo's voice, her words didn't intend to hurt, they were meant to simply state a fact. "You are not betraying your commitment to her. You're not giving something up here. You just keep on living. So go and fucking live! You're love is not unrequited, neither is it undeserved. You are a loveable person. And Sofia tried to do right by you by hesitating to address the topic. By trying so hard to just be the friend you want instead of the partner you need. She's respecting your idiosyncrasies more than she should. This isn't just a crush. I can see you, you know? I saw that gulp and I can see you're as close to tears as you can be. This isn't just something that will go away. You love her, Eli. Trust your heart, it gave you Sara. Trust your heart to have chosen the right person again. Don't let it be another ten years before you are able to make up for the past. Don't make the same mistake twice."
"I-" An arched eyebrow stopped Eli instantly.
"Shut up and eat."
Florence herself forked pancake into her mouth with vigor. Eli just sat, knife mid-air, mouth hanging open.
"Bossy."
The blonde just waved her cutlery through the air. Final.
"You heard me. Shut up, eat, and think of ways to get your head out of your ass. Ways to overcome that guilt. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Death is a part of life, whether we want it to be or not. Taking into consideration what you chose as a profession, how you deal with death on a daily basis, what you have told the bereaved over and over again, you should be able to rationally consider your own behaviour. But come to a fucking conclusion before it's too late."
The good bye was not as hard as Eli'd thought. Despite the short amount of time they had spent together, both she and Flo were sure that this time, it was not as much a 'good bye' as a 'see you soon'.
A kiss on the cheek, a heartfelt embrace, and the promise to get to Boston as soon as she could manage.
Boston. As close to Harvard as she'd ever been in all the years that passed.
First thing she did on Monday morning was hand in her request for some time off. A fortnight off, actually. Anything less wouldn't suffice. She'd have a lot to work through in Boston. Boston was part of a past she'd denied to long having had. She'd just pray she wouldn't run into too much of it.
She watched Sofia reading her request through the open blinds of her office, studying her closely for any reaction the blonde had. Shoulders rose and fell. The hand that held the paperwork sank down to the surface of the wooden desk, slowly, fingers balling up to a fist beside the now discarded sheet of paper. Then her whole body tensed, and straightened back up into her usual upright pose. A quick and unfaltering signature, Eli knew Sofia had signed off on her vacation.
Breathing in deeply she rose from her seat at her cramped desk just opposite the office, patted invisible lint off her pants and vest and crossed the short distance to the door, knocking softly. Sofia looked up, her face a neutral mask, just like it had been ever since that night.
"Come in, Det. Trent."
With more confidence, Eli stepped in and quietly closed the door behind her.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." She shook her head towards the papers.
Sofia's expression took on an annoyed quality.
"You been watching me?"
A quick nod.
"Must be pretty important for you. Where you going?"
It wasn't asking. It was demanding, and it wasn't her place, but Eli indulged her to not slip into potentially dangerous territory. Fighting at work never did do any good.
"Boston." She simply said, calmly.
"Florentine?" The pitch of Sofia's voice rose, and there was this tiny hitch, she swallowed visibly and Eli almost had to look away.
"I don't think I want to discuss my vacation plans with you. I don't think I should. I just wanted to say thank you and -" Sofia's glance had fallen to her desk while she fiddled with her pen, and Eli knew she just had to get out of there. This wasn't healthy. This was hurting too much. "- I really appreciate it, since it's rather short notice."
Outside by the hallway there suddenly was a lot of commotion, officers were struggling to keep a man in cuffs walking while he was kicking and screaming.
"Is that-" Sofia rose so quickly from her seat that the chair fell over backwards.
"Fucking Connolly!" Eli spit out through clenched teeth.
Wilczek's baritone finally urged them into motion.
"Trent, get your fucking ass out here! Your guy, isn't he? So get a rein on him. Lieutenant?"
The evening found Eli in the bar that had been the cop hangout around Headquarters for decades. Back in the day she'd avoided the place like the plague. She was a rookie, not young enough though to hang out with the other greenhornes, not experienced or accomplished enough to find her spot among the more seasoned officers and Detectives. Then she was accomplished, handed her Detective's shield way too fast for most of her colleagues liking, and still stood on the outside looking in.
Now, running into old faces didn't scare her anymore. A lot had changed. Some of her academy year still worked the streets. Most were scattered all over the city's other Divisions. Sadly she'd had to find her training officer had been shot, just a good month after she'd left for Vegas. He was the only one she actually wished she could meet again. His strictness, his guidance, street wisdom and support had brought her through the first awful, scary months. Without his help and power of conviction, she'd never gotten the spot as Detective in training. He had busted her ass, in the best way possible.
A new bottle of beer replaced the empty one, and her eyes lifted up from her hands for the first time in quite a while. Francis just smiled across the table, his split lip giving him a maliciousness he didn't otherwise possess.
"You are quite busy thinking tonight, Eli. Care to share?"
A hint of a smile ghosted around the corners of Eli's mouth.
"No, I don't think so, man."
Wilczek sipped his Vodka and coke, his eyes not leaving Eli.
"Women?" His grin was teasing now.
"None of your fucking business." The smile grew.
"Never said it was. Got you smiling though."
"I really like you, you know?"
He lifted up his hands, palms facing Eli.
"Whoah there. I'm not into any kinky shit, so don't come knocking on my door. Anyway, anyone hearing you telling a dude you like him? Perfect material for so many ugly rumours, Trent."
Now she outright laughed.
"You're such a dick!"
"Likeable dick though."
"I might have just changed my mind about that..."
They both sat in silence, sipping their drinks while all around them the bar buzzed with activity, despite it being only Monday.
The jukebox played some Nina Simone and Eli felt the weight of the past weeks descend heavily onto her.
"Francis, I think I'm gonna head out early tonight." She rubbed her temples, feeling a mighty headache approaching.
Wilczek just huffed. "Go home. Get some thinking done. I think I'm gonna see whether the guys are up for a round of darts." He craned his neck and caught the eye of Det. Sanchez, who wasted no time hollering for him to join him and his crew at the bar.
While passing him, Eli's hand landed gently on Wilczek's shoulder.
"I meant it. I really like you."
His beefy, strong hand covered hers for just a second before he got up, too.
"I know. Stay strong, Trent. Have a good night. And get some sleep. I said some thinking, not the whole night through..."
