Nina was Marissa's cousin, with her cool as ice-water voice that would echo around the kitchen as Aiden flung his back-pack down and hurried upstairs - talking about this and that and Ashley didn't even pretend to hear him, didn't even pretend to care about Aiden's dissatisfaction with whatever grade he got or whatever other boy Aiden had a fight with.
That voice always seemed to trip Ashley up, make her heart race and then stop... then start up again, beating faster each time and causing her head to swim, causing her eyelids to blink rapidly.
Ashley was twelve when she discovered how much she truly liked girls.
And that was also when she discovered how much she feared girls, too.
Nina, with her dirty-blonde hair and inviting smile, didn't treat Aiden like a child under foot. She'd ask him about his day and he'd grin, but blush, even at an age where blushing was a detriment and not cute at all.
Ashley didn't think it was cute. In fact, Ashley used to really dislike seeing that happen.
She'd get embarrassed for her friend.
But, more than that, she'd get jealous of him.
And she hated feeling jealous at all, so she would feign disinterest in whatever the boy might suggest for fun and go home in a huff - slamming her bedroom door and kicking the finely painted walls, frustrated in a thousand ways that she could barely make sense of.
All because she liked girls. All because she liked Nina.
All because she was afraid of girls. All because she was afraid of Nina.
Nina, with the way she'd lightly run her fingers over Ashley's hair and say 'it's so pretty, just like a picture'. And something inside of Ashley would simultaneously spark to life and die on the vine - she didn't know how to respond and she didn't know how to walk away.
Nina's simple little touch scared Ashley, worse than any horror film filled with killers and knives. And Nina's touch brought such undeniable heat to Ashley's body, every corner and every inch flooded with a warmth that no blanket or scalding shower could recreate.
And Ashley liked it, she really did. She craved Nina's attention like ghosts long for a home to haunt.
And Ashley couldn't stand it, she really couldn't. She would hide away from not only Nina, but from Aiden and Marissa and the whole damn Dennison house.
Ashley was twelve when she discovered what it was like want someone.
And that was also when she discovered what it was like to run from wanting anyone.
And though she didn't know it at the time, that last fact was the most pivotal one of all.
/ /
"There's a shower and towels and everything, if you'd like to use it...?"
"No. That's okay."
"You sure?"
"Yea. Yea, I'm fine."
"Oh, okay... Well, this was nice... right?"
Aiden's voice sounds unsure and, while he might not be a genius underneath all that brand-name clothing, Aiden is more perceptive than others would give him credit for.
Sometimes he is more perceptive than even Ashley would give him credit for.
But Ashley's head is swimming. And every breath she tries to take just seems to hurt, seems to get lodged between her throat and her chest, a fistful of reluctant air.
And Ashley doesn't want to think of why she is feeling like this, why those unsettled sensations continue to crawl all over her half-dressed body, why she reached up to cradle Spencer's face and did not want to let go.
It terrifies her. It terrifies her like nothing else in this world.
"It was... It was good."
Spencer's voice sounds blank, the equivalent of a sheet of paper with no words and no lines, just completely empty.
And Aiden is made slightly uncomfortable by it.
And Ashley is rendered motionless by it, unable to look at Spencer's face full-on - catching it now in quick glances and nothing more. She doesn't even attempt to look into those eyes, fearful of seeing a vast void to match the tone of Spencer's voice... even more fearful of seeing too much again, of seeing the depths of this girl's soul again.
It terrifies her. It fucking terrifies her.
And Ashley steps past both of them, finding her shirt and pulling it back on.
And she doesn't listen as Aiden says good-bye, as he passes on his meaningless kiss to Spencer's lips, as he shuts the door and Spencer leaves just like every other girl before her.
But there, in the swirling ocean of her mind, Ashley is still on that bed and Spencer is still on top of her and there isn't an Aiden or a party downstairs.
It's just two people. It's just the two of them.
It's just Ashley and just Spencer.
There, in the recesses of Ashley's psyche, is all she has been fleeing from.
All that she might want, walking down those steps and never to be seen again.
/ /
TBC
