Chapter 9: Like the heart goes Part one

Summary:

Time is passing and Dean and Cas have a lot to express with each other, if they are capable of finally moving past their own fixed mindsets and looking just ahead to see they both are thinking the same thing.

Notes:

I am so sorry for a lack of a update last week I really got snowed under with the uni work, however to make up for it this Chapter ran away with itself and as such I have split it down into two parts and part two will be posted within the next few hours. Once again sorry about the wait and thanks to all who have stuck with this so far, it might be that finally Dean and Cas might see past their misconceptions and work through a few things, but even if it is semi resolved there is a lot of angst heading in the future chapters, this won't have a happy ever after aspect for quite a while, might not even be until part two of this saga. As always will love to hear back from you all, and those of you I have heard from thank you so much! Anyway... Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Dean finished getting ready, and headed across the city towards the university. He arrived at the campus within an hour; he hopped out the car and started across the campus towards the coffee spot. He had already sent Cas a message explaining he was on his way, as he strolled up the court yard he realized it was much busier than usual. He felt guilt creep up over him, he had Cas sat in the busy coffee spot waiting on him, and he knew how much Cas hated this place when it was busy. He started to take bigger steps striding across the courtyard, but he pauses as he steps into the coffee spot as he instantly looks over to Cas' usual spot and sat right there beside him is a very enthusiastic red head. Dean watches their interactions for a moment and Dean couldn't work out what was worse, that he had felt needlessly guilty over the situation or that Cas was smiling at the company he had. He had to admit the redhead was cute. But she didn't look like Cas' type wait what? Why is he even thinking about this? He reminded himself to get a grip. He put a smile on his face and as he stepped closer, and saw her properly, and he remembered her from before. She helped, or maybe she scared him off last time, maybe that's why he felt a certain disdain towards her. He crossed the small space and alerted them both to his presence and the smile Cas gave him knocked all of his other thoughts out of his mind. Apparently, Cas was pleased to see him, at least that is the presumption Dean was making from the look on Cas' face.

"We were just talking about you" The red head chirped.

"Indeed we were, you remember Charlie, Dean?" Cas inquired his eyes still fixed upon Dean with the bright smile still on his face.

"Uh yeah I remember" Dean smiles, "However the last time we met it was more a fleeting greet than a proper introduction" Dean quips.

Cas appeared to flush at that and nods "Ah yes, I apologize for that. I was not myself that day." Cas looks to Charlie then to Dean. "Well you both know of each other, Charlie here was just telling me about her weekend." Cas says and shifts up the booth in a way to invite Dean to sit next to him.

Charlie appeared to give Cas a knowing look about something, and Dean wasn't sure he wanted to ask what that was about. "Weekend of exploits, well don't leave me in suspense to long I may lose interest" Dean grins as he sits beside Cas.

Charlie nods and starts to talk about her weekend, Dean's eyes widening as she starts talking about the fairy queen of Moondoor who had made a move on her at the weekend. Cas was sat beside seemingly enraptured by the tale again, and he has to give Charlie credit, she was very good at telling this story. All the details and then too much detail almost made Dean choke on his own saliva, Cas must have noticed as he pushed Dean's coffee in front of him. Dean smiled his attention now more on Cas then anything Charlie is saying. He wasn't sure how long he'd tuned Charlie out for, he was intently watching Cas and thinking over the last few days, wondering what was running though his head, he was vaguely aware of Charlie excusing herself explaining she had a class to get too.

Cas turned to Dean and smiled. "I have no idea where you went to Dean, but I think you missed the most interesting part of Charlie's story"

Dean turned his attention to Cas' eyes and chuckles "I was right here Cas, I was just thinking of the uh case I guess."

"You don't sound very sure of yourself Dean, so what about the case is troubling you? Perhaps what I have to share with you will be of some assistance?" Cas smiles

"Yeah maybe Cas, guess the lack of new leads is disappointing, I was hoping to have all this wrapped up by now, Bobby wants to see me today so I am apprehensive about what the old timer has to tell me now" Dean rolled his shoulders into a shrug as he picked up his coffee. Gripping the mug probably too tightly as the ends of his fingers began to turn white from the grip he had.

Cas' smile faded from his face and Dean felt a pang of guilt he didn't want to be the reason for Cas looking for forlorn, but then part of Dean felt a shrill of pleasure in the idea that he could affect Cas so easily. Cas' gaze turned out the window as he let out a lengthy sigh. "In that case Dean, would you like to get straight to business?"

There is was again that feeling that he had somehow let Cas down without even knowing the reason why, Cas knew he was coming to discuss the case so why would Cas appear so distant when it came to talking about it. Perhaps Cas is feeling more uncomfortable about this whole situation than he had realized. Dean nodded and turned his shoulders to face more towards Cas "Yeah lay it on me man. What new insights do you have for me?"

Cas appeared to be vacant from expression now, his whole face blank and unexpressive as his hands fiddled needlessly upon the table. "Do you have any of the case files with you?"

Dean paused and shook his head. "I, urgh, I guess I forgot to bring it Cas, do you remember what you had to tell me?" Dean felt like an idiot, he'd turned up to discuss the case without the case file, no wonder Cas was confused when Dean had asked to discuss it, he'd shown up without the file, it must have looked like he was there purely to see Cas, but wait a moment, why would Cas presume that anyway? Cas knew he was coming to talk about the case, right? Or was this whole thing another part of this strange hold pattern they had discovered themselves in? Nah there is no way Cas has been thinking like that, this is Cas. He wasn't even sure Cas thought about people in that way. He and Dean were a professional work partnership, nothing more. Well potentially friends, Cas didn't seem to have many friends, and he wasn't even sure Cas understood how friendships worked anyway.

"It is of no consequence Dean I can share with you the information regardless, it just may have been easier for you if were able to point out the symbols that I have associated with a subculture associated with native American beliefs." Cas explained but appeared to gaze at something just over Deans shoulder.

"It's ok Cas, you can just lay it on me, I'll know what you are talking about, most of those case photos are fixed within my memory anyway." Dean reassured Cas, he felt the need to reach out and use a touch to affirm his statement, but he didn't know how Cas would react to that, he never knew with Cas the strangest things seem to have differing effects on him.

"As you wish, I can explain it all to you, perhaps then you will find solace in these answers; though there is marginalized room for error I have come to the conclusion that this killer believes he is at war with the world, he considers his victims as his path to redemption he is the sun to their darkness. He is branding them as happy to be returning home." Cas paused and shook his head. "The diamond within a diamond symbol that is etched into their chests, is the symbol for wisdom Dean, then on some victims he has the symbol for happiness other the sun, they are so very similar the circle with either two or four lines pointing out from quarter intervals. I do not know if the difference is specific or if on some victims the other lines are obscured." Cas stops again staring down at his hands, his mind is racing through the thoughts and processes he is trying to equate this suspect with. He is not certain he should be speculating so readily about this, but he had read around enough symbology texts to understand that the wisdom and arrows of war; are most definitely Native American.

Dean listens intently finishing his coffee and placing the empty cup upon the table. The moment Cas stops talking to stare at his hands, he can't help himself he reaches over placing a hand upon Cas' back. "Hey man that is great, you can stop there if you wish Cas, you've given me enough to work with, do you think it is someone with a native American background who is preforming these ritualistic murders, or is the suspect just butchering the culture to suit his own needs?" Dean enquires as he gives Cas' shoulder a quick squeeze.

Cas glances over at Dean the moment Dean's hand is upon him, he feels that same calm dark emptiness that Dean always brings with him, it is a comfort he wishes to hide himself within right now, he knows this darkness he knows the truth to the matter at hand. He takes in a deep breath and flicks his gaze upon Dean's eyes wishing to hold this gaze for a few moments to let the cool green eyes ease the tension building up inside him. "I believe the suspect is merely using Native American culture to his own twisted use Dean. Every culture has it's own interpretations of these symbols and designs. In the case of the Native Americans, with forced migrations and forced communal living, some Native American symbols have merged, so I believe from his use of these symbols he is using those which he has deemed worthy of his needs."

Dean nodded and slowly withdrew his hand his fingers grazing down Cas' arm as he did so, but he was not doing that it was just a he didn't have an answer as to why he decided his touch should linger. He stared at his empty cup and considered finding excuses to go and fill it again, but he didn't want another coffee right now, he didn't know what he wanted right now and that in itself as rather worrying. "Ok Cas, are there any indications he gives as to when and how he is selecting his victims?"

"Without investigating the use of his choice of symbols further I cannot yet answer that for you, I can attempt to get you answers if you wish Dean?" Cas looked to Dean, he hopped Dean would still consider him useful enough for this, solely for personal gain, he could use Dean being closer, being around more, he was finding himself more and more drawn to how Dean made him feel, and that's just the point isn't it? Not only does Cas now feel the calming emptiness there is something more, something Cas hadn't yet identified but it was welcoming and he wanted to crave that as much as he craved the emptiness. Earlier Charlie had mentioned to him that perhaps he had a crush on Dean, but Cas easily dismissed it, quite honestly Cas had never experienced crushes. He had simply never been interested in sexual relations, that is not to say he has never had any. He had experimented through college but ultimately he had never found someone who gave him what he needed. And, that now was the question at hand here, what was it that Cas wanted? Needed? He knew that answer but he was uncertain if he were able to accept that answer himself yet, and he most certainly did not think Dean would ever be receptive of his explanation so perhaps it was for the best that he had not yet accepted his very human wants.

"… no need for any rush on any of it, take your time, I know how it is, you need more information and unfortunately that means more victims. And, you don't want to be asking for it, I get it, I know what you mean Cas." Dean rambled on he wasn't even sure Cas heard most of what he said, but Cas was mostly receptive to what had been said and if there were any real trouble he was sure Cas would be showing more acute signs than he is now. He rubbed the back of his neck and waited for Cas to show signs that he was back with it.

Cas flicked his gaze up to Deans eyes and then back away he was feeling cautious right now, Dean was too close to understanding him and he didn't know how he felt about that. He wanted Dean to have this welcoming presence about him but Cas was nervous about what that would mean for him one this case was over and Dean no longer need anything to do with him. It meant he was thinking strange thoughts ones he never knew he was quite capable of thinking, he was positive that he was going to blame Charlie for this as it was her talking that made him open up about Dean. And now he was confronted with everything he had thus far kept separated from everything else. Dean was, is a professional work colleague and he should view him as such, regardless of anything else, whilst they were here it was strictly a work based commitment nothing more. But Cas needed to stop thinking of ways to cause this arrangement to continue, it was becoming an unhealthy mind set to be dwelling more and more on these murders and the requirement for more if he is to keep working with Dean. These thoughts troubled Cas greatly how could he allow himself to think of such thoughts. He cannot he needed away from this case but not away from Dean and seeing as they came combined together, chances are he is going to have to choose between his self-preservation and Dean. "I appreciate you understanding Dean. Thank you for not dismissing these thoughts as monstrous."

"We've all be there man, you need more data and the only way to get more data is for another murder which means another victim, it's a vicious cycle and you are battling with it, so of course I understand and know you are not a monster Cas." Dean smiled over at Cas warmly and let his hand reach for this knee this time squeezing it to reassure him that everything was ok, Dean didn't understand the shift in hand placement but it felt the natural place to offer support for this, this time.

Cas almost froze as Deans hands were once again upon him, but if he had froze it had nothing to do with the physical touch as much as the feeling that shot through him as he allowed himself for the moment to feel the comforting presence that Dean was trying to offer him. "Thank you very much Dean," Cas smiled at Dean and let his eyes focus upon Deans, he searched the green tinted orbs that were staring right back at him for some form of answers, he was unsure as to what answer he was looking for but he most certainly knew he'd know as soon as he found it. Moments of silence passed between them as Dean and he stared at each other, without much though Cas' hand had come to rest upon on Deans; and for a few moments they were both caught in the space of acceptance between them a mutual understanding. For once Cas was almost certain that Dean could also see into him the way he see's into Dean.

Just as Dean was about to speak his cell phone started ringing, he grabbed it and gave Cas an apologetic look and excused himself, he had to go. Bobby was calling meaning it was more than likely a 'Where are you boy? get your ass back here pronto' call which Dean didn't want in front of Cas. For some reason he didn't want Cas to see him getting a verbal reprimand even down the phone; he felt something twist his gut in the look Cas gave him as he excused himself. It was becoming more and more likely he was going to need to have the talk with Cas, to come clean about a few things, mostly about Sam. It wasn't right the guy deserved to know this stuff. Dean mumbled on the phone to Bobby as he made his way to his car, trying not to think of blue eyes or that look, or the feel of his surprisingly callous hand atop of his. He shook his head and focused on listening to Bobby inwardly groaning as Bobby mentioned a special assignment for the evening, Dean knew what that meant. Which is ridiculous, he will be playing the part of glorified bodyguard later, at what type of special request he had no idea but he was sure Bobby would tell him once he got back to the office.


Cas sat in his office with his case files and pushed his class schedule aside he had an idea he wanted to research, but he also needed to know if Dean was ok. He left so abruptly and Cas was certain he was about to speak but then the phone was an excuse to not. Now he will never know what exactly Dean was thinking. Could Dean see it too? Were all of Cas' secrets starting to creep to the surface would he become predictable and readable and then what? Would Samuel consider it a success if he were to start acting in a predictable manner? Cas did not think he would like that very much there is too much to lose. There is too much of himself; that he is not willing to part with. Why should he have the change who he is? Cas sat with the case files and as Dean continued to fill his mind with endless chatter and not silence he decided he needed to do something about, he could call Samuel for an extra appointment maybe he could help him in regards to these issues. He knew he would not call Charlie she would suggest something highly improbable and cause him to become more flustered. He could always actually attempt talking to Dean, perhaps a written media would be easier for them both. He picked up his phone, opened up the message box, and started to type out his message.

Dean, are you Ok you left in such a hurry what is wrong? You left so quickly was the call that important do you not require my assistance

Dean, you should call me later much to discuss.

Dean you are on my mind and you are quite the distraction

Cas sighed exasperated what was making this impossible to do? Why should he even care what the message says? Why is it so hard to write a simple message.

Hello Dean

He hit send and then stared at the message for a few moments shaking his head, what was he thinking how ridiculous is this? He is a grown man Dean is his work partner and the best he could come up with to say is "hello" he groaned and wished for a take back button as he began to type out his next message

Just wanted to tell you I am follow-…. Mid way though the message Dean replied

Hello Cas

Cas paused his message and deleted it and started over again.

I have a possible lead to follow, it may assist you in finding the next target location. I would very much like to work through this with you

Cas removed the end and hit send. This was ridiculous, he should not be thinking so hard on correct messages.

That is great Cas I am gonna be busy most of today, I have a pointless assignment tonight, but we can do Pie and Coffee tomorrow usual spot ok?

Cas felt his heart both simultaneously skip a beat and sink, and he groaned, this was not how this was supposed to work at all, Dean was his friend his work colleague, nothing more. He sighed as he tugged his fingers into his hair and stared down at the phone with mixed feelings surrounding the message, it was these feelings he needed to reconcile and fast before it got him into trouble.

That sounds perfect Dean, I shall not be at the university campus tomorrow would it be possible for you to pick me up from my home?

The conversation was simple it should be easy to reply he should not have a lot of meanings attached to the each message he sends, it is simple just what the words say nothing else, nothing more. He gathers the file together and starts to plot the abduction sites then the body disposal site upon a map hoping this would lead to a correlation that he could work with. This was something more he could focus on that wasn't the overwhelming idea that without Dean he is going to be swamped with other thoughts and feelings. Now Dean was taking up most of his thought space it was even easier to hide behind it all and not let another thing in to bother him. Not only had Cas allowed himself to become attached to that peaceful emptiness that Dean gives him but he has also now allowed Dean to become more than just an empty presence. Dean is the emptiness that fills the void and it was going to take more than this case for Cas to untangle this mess he had allowed himself to become, he had been doing so well with being self-sufficient. But now Dean was fast becoming a consuming presence that could undermined all the hard work Cas had placed into his recovery. But that wasn't what bothered Cas the most, what bothered Cas more than he would like to admit is that he almost welcomes the consuming notion to give over and give in. It has been a long time since he had felt the urges he is experiencing now and he has no illusions all the things he has witnessed recently and the calming presence of his external sanity have all taken its toll upon him. He was starting to drown within himself again and he needed to find the place than anchors him in place and he knew exactly what to do. He set himself up at his desk and started to work on a different project until all his other thoughts had returned to an equal state of equilibrium.

Just as he was ready to push it all behind him his phone alerted him to a new message.

Alright then Cas, it's a date.

Cas stared at his phone and groaned he was positive Dean meant that in a platonic sense, actually there was no doubt surrounding that. Cas sent back a simple "Ok" and then turned and buried himself in is work for a few hours before he resumed sending messages to Dean some about the case others about Pie fillings and something about a BBQ party, and a possible dinner with Deans brother. Then as Cas asked Dean about his choice in pie to cover himself in at this hypothetical dinner the conversation died. Cas checked the time and he knew Dean would be busy with work but his mind did not stop dwelling on the fact that he may have said something inappropriate.


Dean stood to the entrance of the Broadway Ballroom at the Marriott Marquis on 1535 Broadway, he had just finished going over the security detail for the evening with the event planner and the local PD along with the senator's staff. Dean detested this job and who ever had sent the order down to Bobby to put Dean on this security detail obviously disliked Dean as well. He could not think of a worse way to spend his evening, he felt like and overdressed penguin the middle of a jungle. He had never felt this out of place in his life, and this was making other matters even worse. He and Cas had been texting all day, mostly meaningless junk but also about the case, it seemed that Cas decided to look more into the symbols and found there might actually be a pattern to the way in which he is picking his victims. Of course it was more obscure than anything else Cas had ever said and he knew it would be a hard sell to Bobby, but he will not doubt Cas not after last time. Cas is his partner and he'll back him up even with obscure numerology in reference to the sun's path across the sky and it is not so much a specific person but a specific geographical location including the disposal sites.

Dean was stood with his back to the wall, the worst part about working at these events aside from the lack of potential ass, is the fact that it is a dry event for him, not a single beer. The fact that he could murder for one, is almost ironic he tries to hide his smug smile as he thinks about it and wonders how many of these would end up on his table, if he searched into them enough. Maybe, this is the game; he can play to pass the time. With no beer and conversation dull, it makes sense he plays top10 best table candidates. Dean was almost so busy surveying the area for those who he would like to have upon the table, he did not notice when Jody came up beside him. He only noticed as he felt something grip his elbow he was about the yell to not touch as he looked to his side and caught sight of Jody and ended up smiling at her instead.

"Well Sherriff Mills I certainly didn't expect to see you here you look beautiful." He offers her a charming smile and looks around, "Are you here alone? What douche would bring you to a place like this?" He questions as he quickly glances around again to ensure everything is running as smoothly as it should

"It isn't my usual idea of a date but I have never been to a gala like this before, who was I to pass up the opportunity to come here" Jody smiled at Dean and then followed his gaze out to the crowd, "Are you here working alone where's your partner Dean? Is that who you are watching?"

Dean glanced to her puzzled and shakes his head "God no, I'd not put Cas through this, he…. He wouldn't fit in here, hold on one moment Jody, what do you mean date? What schmuck thought you'd wish to come here with him?" Dean asks and pauses as he sees Special Agent in charge Singer; walk up behind her and he curses under his breath 'Fuck'. Suddenly him being here made more sense.

"I heard that boy" Bobby glared at Dean but his eyes still were edged in the softness that he has always had for Dean. "I feel assured you are doing an excelling job here tonight SSA (Supervisory Special Agent) Winchester"

"Yes Sir" Dean replied with a curt nod and kept his eyes fixed upon the crowd as he waited for the next thing to happen, perhaps hell would open up and swallow him whole. Today has been a weird day.

"You keep your mind focused on your task here and next time I won't order you to work, maybe you and that partner of yours can come along to the next one and just be on hand should anything arise?" Bobby smiles and to Dean it looked strange to see him so relaxed and dare he say happy? Dean watches as Bobby hands Jody her drink and give them both a bemused smile.

"I am not sure Cas would want to come along sir, but anywhere you require I shall ensure I am at hand" Dean added and kept his smile fixed upon his face, it was nice to see his uncle Bobby looking less formal and more relaxed. "I am pretty sure that boy would go anywhere you asked him too Dean, and I will not accept no for an answer next time either." Bobby nodded. Dean's eyes glanced around the room and spotted someone lurking somewhat suspiciously in the corner at least that is the excuse his mind is willing to accept as he excused himself from Bobby and Jody and walked across the floor dodging people dancing and those talking in groups as he made his way to the corner. How would he explain the reason he could not bring Cas is because they already flirt closely with the not fraternization policy the FBI has. And bringing Cas on an actual date where people would see them, it's hardly his idea of keeping something low key, Dean rolled his eyes, why was he even thinking like this? Were people deliberately testing his nerve to keep his relationship with Cas as a professional one? He walked into the corner and sighed as he spots who is stood there. "Well if it isn't my favorite agent burly iron man, where is that lost puppy of yours Dean?" Crowley quipped as he looked around Dean, "is he not hot on your heels today?" "What are you doing here Crowley? Do you not have bodies that require your attention?" Dean grunted at him and shook his head, "Cas is not a damn puppy!" he almost spat at him and clamped his mouth shut his jaw flexing.

"Lying to yourself again Winchester? You know it's a sin to lie to yourself, but then you'd know all about that wouldn't you solider boy" Crowley smirked as his hand rested upon Deans shoulder.

Dean shrugged out of Crowley's grip and just stared at him. "It is none of your damn business what I do Crowley, why are you even here?"

"My family has made a large donation to the senator, I have come to ensure he is worthy of our donation and that he follows his terms." Crowley shrugged.

"You know you and your family should stay out of politics, stick to the dead Crowley you can do less harm there" Dean rolled his eyes."you just behave yourself as I will not think twice about how happy it would make me to escort you out of this building."

"Now, now Winchester, I have the senators blessing to be here, so consider me to have diplomatic immunity you cannot touch me Winchester" Crowley smiled and Dean surmised he was far too happy about that comment. And it left him with a heavy uncomfortable feeling within his stomach, but that was just Crowley he always had that effect on Dean, since the day they met Dean had felt a certain derision towards him.

"If that is how you view yourself then, you are best sticking to the shadows, it suits you more" Dean stated and turns away from him and walks back through the crowd. Looking through everyone using all he had learned when a sniper to watch peoples body language.

It was easy to tell if someone was planning something, you watch enough people through a scope and you learn a thing or two. It became second nature to him in the end, he knew if a person was about to set off a bomb or if they were getting ready to pull the trigger, he just had that instinct in him now. Years of training and gut intuition, he had become an excellent judge of intentions. Crowley was nothing more than a parasite sent here by his family as a show of face. He would never be a threat but he had to check out everyone who looked even remotely suspicious for his own sanity, it gave him something to do. He watched the goings on around the ballroom and tuned out the sounds and watched body language instead, it was better than anything else he had to work with. He soon grew bored he had assessed every guest and had ascertained none of them were a threat and the few he'd thought about using for his table were far too high profile for him to think about right now, not with his friend playing games with him. Friend? Was he really going to consider this guy a friend? Can he refer to someone who is stalking him breaking into his house and leaving items behind as a friend?

Well if Dean were honest this person was one of the few people he knows the real him and is still talking to him, perhaps this is a kindred spirit after all and they could be friends, he wanted to know if this guy had any work to showcase? Dean shook his head. No, this guy belongs on is table not at his dinner table. He watched the crowd again and wished the time not to drag so slowly he still had an hour left at this function and then he could head home and relax, maybe go out? He may need too, he was feeling that itch under his skin, the one that needed a way to be quenched, and it called for blood he was even ready to forgo his holding process, which is rare but happens from time to time. Sometimes the need to free souls from this wretched existence and end their pointless stain upon this world over powers his usual safe guards. But what if his stalker had something new planned for him tonight? The thought of returning home to something sent a shrill of excitement and dread through him. Now all he could do as wait out the hour until home time.