My triumph did not last long however, I heard Molly come home and Mush's
raised voice the moment the door shut.
"Tattletale!" I growled as I brushed my hair with a frustration that pulled out hair and made my scalp tingle. I figured there was no use changing; my simple shirt and gray skirt would have to do. I certainly didn't want to impress anyone where I was going. Taking as good a look as I could in the mirror hung above my chest of drawers, I sighed figuring it was as good as it was going to get. As the raised voice ended, I sat down to wait for Molly and wrap my harp for the trip across the alley.
I heard her steps, usually they were light, but tonight they were heavy with anger, another set followed and I knew it was Mush wanting to watch his will be done. That only stiffened my resolve. I would work at the Black Swan, I would pay my own way, and I was not about to let them try to bully me out of it.
"You're not leavin tonight." Molly said without preamble, once my door had been opened.
"You are not my keeper Molly, just my landlord." I told her, my voice stingingly cold. I was still angry and hurt over her previous defection.
"I would like ta think I'm more than just ya landlord, missy." Molly snapped. "After all, I took ya in when no one else would."
"It still is my life Molly, I know you want to protect me, but it's time I made my own way now. Mush is right, I've been living off your charity and while my parents may not have instilled the greatest characteristics in me, I do not accept charity. I'll continue to help you during the day, after I have gotten up. Getting up, will of course, be at my own choosing since my new job will require me to work late. It will help supplement what I do not make to cover my own living here." I said calmly and coolly as I finished wrapping my harp and stood. "Thank you Mush, you've opened up my eyes to many things about myself."
I pushed past Molly and edged around Mush, who again looked angry enough to kill.
"How will ya go to church and be able to hold ya head up?" Molly asked, trying for a last ditch effort to appeal to my morality. I shrugged off my misgivings as I started down the stairs.
"I believe I will manage." I said dryly. "After all, I did not hear you rejecting Mush's opinions of me, so I suppose I'll fit right in."
There was nothing, but silence as I descended the stairs and made my way through the kitchen with a resolve that had surprised Molly and Mush. Never before had I made my will known, I had meekly done what they wanted. Even going to Medda's had not entirely been of my will. Now, for the first time in my life, I was doing something I wanted to do for a good reason, or at least not entirely for selfish, spoiled reasons. I smiled, feeling as though I finally was gaining some control over my tumult life, as I hugged my harp to me and thanked God I had bought it. I walked to the door that had been situated just to the ladies backs this morning and knocked, my heart pounding a frantic tattoo as I waited for it to open. It was as if I were on a precipice, once I entered into the Black Swan, there was no going back, there was no saving grace, and I had a feeling I would never willingly enter back into "society". My mind raced through what I had learned so far and decided perhaps that wasn't such a bad thing after all.
The door opened and a strawberry blonde girl stood there, I smiled for once I was taller that someone. She was on the thin side, she looked fragile, but something in the set of her jaw and her stance told me it would be a bad idea to underestimate her. She looked me up and down nodded to herself and gestured me inside.
"You must be Bianca." She said, it was a statement not a question, and all I could do was nod in response. I glanced around and found myself in a kitchen that was hot, sticky, and full of bustle. The cook ordered her helpers about with the experience and demeanor of a general. One of the girls smiled softly at me as she went back to cutting up vegetables, the other ignored me as she scrubbed a pan as quickly as possible as a boy dried, his attention so focused on the plate he dried I was sure he was a little touched.
"Oh, there you are?" A familiar voice cried. I glanced up to see Lilly weaving about the kitchen to me with an ease I was surprised me. She managed to miss some disastrous collisions with the help without ever taking her eyes from me. I had never before been into the kitchens of my own home and I wondered if this is what it was like. It certainly smelled of home. "Rush, take Bianca upstairs and find her something a little more suitable to wear. While your blouse is lovely dear, the customers do expect a little more in grace."
I blushed, for the first time embarrassed by my clothing. Lilly was already on her way out the door, calling orders to the cook as she did. I glanced at Rush and she smiled at me turning to rush up the back stairs. We stopped on a landing and Rush turned into a blue satin draped hallway. The hall was opulent in its rich pale blue walls; it's cream painted doors with carvings and the carvings painted with gold gilt. It screamed with an aristocratic femininity. As a matter of fact, my mother's room had been decorated in the very same colors. She said it had reminded her of Versailles; I had to admit it did have an air of French aristocracy. So, I suppose it was not that odd I felt at home here. Though I could have done without the noises from beyond some of the doors. I felt myself blushing much more furiously than I had yet today.
Rush did not seem fazed by it at all, motioned me past a grand staircase as she took a key from her belt. We stopped at the end of the hall in front of a door that looked like all the others, though I had begun to notice a pattern of different flowers on each of the doors. This one had none, Rush put the key in the lock and swung the door open beckoning to me yet again. Next to the door was another staircase, I wondered where it went as I followed her in and gasped as I saw an array of dresses in various stages of completion. A cream and gold colored satin covered couch sat in middle of the room, bay windows that were covered in matching shear curtains just behind it. Two Queen Anne chairs sat where it seemed they had been haphazardly placed. A couple of wooden racks held the mostly completed dresses, a foot pedaled sewing machine sat against the wall, and dressing dummies held the least completed. Obviously, Madame Lilly had an in-house seamstress. Though looking at the girl before me, I wasn't sure she would be able to hold still long enough to create any of the dresses about. I glanced around looking longingly at an evening gown of midnight blue trimmed with jet beads that had been painstakingly sewn on. Another, a soft green wrapper, was trimmed with seed pearls, a matching nightgown that was as shear as the wrapper was beneath it. I blushed at its sheerness and obvious job to leave nothing to the imagination. I would have to conquer my blushes, if I continued to work here. Though I had a feeling, they would fade with the newness of all of this.
"You look about the same size as Rose, same coloring too, hmmmmm." She glanced about her looking for something. I just prayed it was quite a bit less revealing than most of what I saw in here. "Here we go."
My eyes turned to her grudgingly; I couldn't help worrying about what my "uniform" for this place would be. To my delight, she held a gold colored satin dress that was possibly a little more revealing than the evening gowns I had once wore. It was simpler, with no embellishments, certainly no Venetian lace, but of good quality nonetheless. It would not do for the functions I had attended, but it was steps above what I had been wearing and the vanity in me was aching for something like this.
"It's beautiful." I said, I would have clapped my hands in glee had I not still been clutching my harp. I set my harp on the couch in a position I was sure it could not be harmed and touched the dress almost reverently for a moment.
"Well, let's get you going then, you're going to be almost as late as I usually am." She told me with a friendly grin. I began to strip down shyly, but Rush was in too much of a hurry to let me finish and she began tugging at buttons and laces forcing me to move faster lest she undress me herself. I was beginning to see where her name came from. As I stepped into the dress savoring the now unfamiliar feel of satin against my skin, she was already pulling the straps up to my shoulders and pulling it into place.
A full-length mirror stood on a stand only feet away and I sighed in approval at her choice of cut and color. While it was much lower cut than I had thought, I found it looked nice. Well, nice wasn't exactly the word for it, but I couldn't help wishing Mush could see me now. It was simpler than anything I had worn before, but of good quality. I was somewhere between what I had worn previously and what I wore now at Molly's. She buttoned the tiny buttons across the back of the dress before pushing me to sit in a chair and burying her hands in my hair. She cursed as she pushed, pulled, prodded, and pinned my hair into place. I smiled in agreement.
When she was finally finished, I was not given a moment to glance at the final result, instead I was handed my harp and hustled down the hall to the stairs. I lifted the skirt to keep from tripping on the hem without thinking; it had been so ingrained, the proper walk and carriage seemed to come to me stronger with the new dress. I dipped my head down as Rush led me to a padded chair before the fire that was more for decoration this time of year than actual warmth. I unwrapped my harp and gently tuned it's strings not looking at any of the clientele.
There had been one worry with my taking this job that until that moment I had never thought of, that someone would recognize me. I glanced up as I began playing to find that no one had done more than glance appreciatively at me. They did not look close at me, after all I was not someone to take notice of, rather I was the hired help, not even worthy of the notice of the women upstairs. It chaffed a little, but it made me feel more comfortable. It also helped that with the way I was turned in the chair my face was kept in profile and with the romantically dim room my face in shadow, the fire behind it casting a darkened outline of my features. Unless someone got very close, I doubted any of them would ever realize who I was, though I did recognize a few very prominent men of New York Society. I kept my playing soft; I was not there to be the entertainment, rather to play as a side. To be something to soothe the impatient, calm the nervous, and keep the room from becoming entirely silent.
I glanced about the room, this one in tones of burgundy and gold, the woods dark and heavy, the carvings simple and masculine. It was most assuredly a masculine room, much like the smoking rooms in the homes of the very men that were there. A few played chess, a couple cards, some merely enjoyed the food, while others waited looking hopefully at the staircase. I watched with them wondering what kind of a sign would come that it was their turn. Looking up, I saw a man that near took my breath away, his dark hair contrasted with his golden skin and vivid green eyes. He glided down the staircase with the ease of a cat and stopped in front of a table near me. His voice was melodic as he spoke softly to the man there. I could tell by the apparition of beauty's muscle he was a little more than ornamental, as the other man stood and followed him back to the staircase his muscles rippled under his jacket.
Obviously, glancing at the waitresses, all of those that worked in the front room and the upstairs rooms of Lilly's were ornamental. Glancing about again I realized with an experienced eye that no expense had been spared, there was nothing ungraceful or distasteful about the room.
I thought about what Rush had told me between curses, about The Black Swan, as she had dressed my hair. I watched as a gentleman smiled charmingly at a pretty waitress, but did nothing more than that. Any customer caught doing more than looking at any of the downstairs help was immediately shown the door and invited to not return. It was exclusive and only so many had memberships, most were not inclined to loose their privileges there. The reason I was to be dressed as I had been was for the simple reason I was just another ornament in Lilly's vast collection. I was worth a little more to her than the waitresses, for a musician could cost dear, but just another acquisition at best. She had chosen me because of my beauty as well as my talent. For I would complement the house as well as all the others, and for once I felt almost pale in comparison to some. I remembered the extraordinary beauties that sat around the table with Lilly just that morning and realized why beauty did not faze Mush. For there were certainly some that were far more beautiful here tonight. With that bitter thought, I immersed myself into the music not wanting to think of him.
I glanced up somewhere close to an hour later when Rush brought me a glace of cider, whispering that Lilly would have given me something a little stronger if she thought I could handle it. I nodded and murmured my thanks as I drank, sinking farther into the shadows, thankful for the padded back on the chair in which I sat. I watched the men I had known, wondering what their lives must really be like if the had to come to a bordello. I wondered for the first time if they were happy. Glancing to my right, I met familiar pair of chocolate colored eyes and blanched, almost spilling my drink down the front of my dress. Deliberately, I set my drink on the small table next to me before turning again to my harp. This time I sang softly with the music, harmonizing with it as I had been taught by only the best of tutors. That is, before it had been taken away, then I had been only allowed to sing.
Though I tried, I could not keep my eyes from glancing from time to time to see if he was still there and if he still watched. His gaze never left me and I was not sure entirely what to think of that. I could still see the anger that burnt there, but there was something else as well, almost a hint of respect. Perhaps a bit of hunger that for the first time thrilled rather than frightened me
Half way through the night Rush appeared and whispered to me that a meal was waiting for me in Lilly's office; my harp she told me would be safe next to my chair. The waitresses would make sure no one touched it. Reluctantly, I left it and followed her along the shadows and across the room to a door that had been cleverly worked into the wall so that only someone who had been looking for it would find it. Inside a delicate desk sat on the far wall, something that would be suited to a lady who wasted her day writing letters of no importance than the owner of a business. Another delicate table sat in the opposite corner of the office, small sitting area to its left.
The table had been set for two and the subtle smell of wine sauce reached my nose as I sat. I waited patiently for the second person, knowing it would be rude to start without them, though my stomach rumbled horribly. Moments later the door flew open and Lilly entered her face bright with a smile as she sat.
"Well Bianca," she told me as she sat deftly and gracefully, placing her napkin in her lap. "It seems we have found a new musician, though tomorrow I expect you here much earlier to be fitted for a couple of new dresses."
"Excuse me." I said, as I watched her cut her chicken for a delicate bite. Her manners were not that of those I had so far met, but of one of my own class. Each movement was choreographed and I remembered my governesses pounding such things into my head starting at the tender age of four. "I could not afford a dress such as this in a week."
"Ah," Lilly smiled at me, real warmth coming from her eyes. "Your fortunes are much improved young Bianca. First, there will be no repayment for any dress you wear here at the Black Swan, for as you can see we make them all in house. If you should choose to leave here, which will happen, for no one stays in this business forever, the dresses will only be remade for someone who can wear it as well. There is no loss to the house for we already owned it, and you will return all articles of clothing when you leave. Though, for now I do not see why you cannot take them back to Molly's. Provided the sanctimonious dear will allow anything from here to venture into her home. She does not approve of us I am afraid, but she understands I believe. Some must do what they can to survive in this world. Unfortunately, not all can remain lily white."
I tried not to smile at irony in that statement and she smiled letting me know it had not been lost on her. I found myself liking her, once you got beyond the moralistic view of her she was really just a woman trying to survive and surprisingly much nicer than I would have ever thought.
It seemed that the rich and sanctimonious were not as often the good people deep down inside, that I found the poor, those that were doing everything they could to survive. It was an interesting revelation, one I would have never believed only a few weeks before. Though I doubted Lilly was entirely poor, I had a feeling that she did good with the money she had, not reveling in it as we had. We had decked ourselves in jewels while others starved in the streets, worn fancy silks and expensive lace while others had nothing to eat, quibbled about the fashion of our furniture and wall coverings while others had no place warm to sleep. We had been raised with no understanding of the sufferings of others, and for the first time in my life, I was beginning to realize that my privileged life had been built around gilt walls and false mirrors. That there were others who were not to be pitied for what they didn't have, but envied for what they did. My world had been almost emotionless except for greed, lust, and selfishness. As I glanced back only weeks before, I was appalled at who I had been.
Had it really been only a month? It felt like years, or at the very least months, I felt so different and distanced from the spoiled girl who knew absolutely nothing of the world. I knew I was not as jaded as some, nor would I ever fully fit into this place, but I was learning quickly how to survive, it was something that surprised and pleased me. At the same time, I knew it would be a struggle, for nothing so far had come as easily as everything else in my charmed life had come. Though I had not appreciated things anywhere near as much as I did now.
"A penny for your thoughts?" Lilly asked, her head tilted like a birds in inquiry, the curls that fell from her coif rivered elegantly over her shoulder.
"Nothing incredibly pressing, just reassessing." I replied, a little hesitant to share my discovery.
"And how is that going for you?" Lilly queried, one perfectly plucked eyebrow raising just enough to let me know she was still curious.
"Excuse me?" I asked for that had not been the reaction I had been expecting.
"Reassessing." She said calmly, "How is that going?"
"With difficulty." I replied honestly, for it hurt to look at myself and realize I had not been in the least the good person I had thought myself to be. I was not above it all, I was not better than anyone, I had just been born with more things. To understand yourself and accept it is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do. Accepting the truth can shatter dreams, break hearts, and fracture self-esteem. Still anything shattered can be mended, broken hearts can be pieced back together, and fractured self- esteem, though the hardest to fix, can still be restored.
"Pride goeth before the fall." Lilly said into the silence, her eyes far away, as though she were remembering something herself. "If we are lucky we all wake up to find that we are human, with all its capabilities and faults. If we are exceptionally blessed, we may fix what is inherently wrong and learn to live life beyond ourselves."
I nodded in understanding, the oddest friendship formed that night over a dinner that was exceptional and realizations that were difficult. I found myself grateful that I had been given the chance to become something more than I had been. I had been given the chance to be something infinitely more wonderful than the spoiled selfish girl that had wondered onto the streets without a clue, only to be taken in by some of the most beautiful of souls. Even if I was angry with them both, they had done a wonderful and selfless thing. Perhaps I could find it in my heart to forgive them. Molly at least, Mush however was going to take some work. For one cannot take back words, and some can never be forgotten. Who ever said words 'can never hurt me' was a fool, for words can cause more damage than sticks or stones. They can damage that which is invisible and difficult to fix. Mush had thrown a handful that had been more painful than anything I had ever experienced. I could only hope he didn't really mean them.
Emotions: Honey I have lost and relost everyone's cc's at least three times. If you send it to me again I will be sure to add you, I still haven't added everyone, it would have been too much for poor Bianca. Glad you liked this latest installment
Lucky: Wow it's been a long time since I've heard from you! At least I think it has. Oh well my mind is shot here with Christmas so soon! I'm happy you loved it!
Pricilla2: Poor Mush is confused. We woman confuse the hell out of him!!!! The last thing he wants to do is to want to protect her or even really like her, but she's growing on him. I wrote more, do I get candy?
FrenchyGoyl: Okay here you are girly, I put your character in. Yes he's jealous and not liking it so much. Life sucks when women confuse you I guess. I updated as soon as I got it back from the lady that edits my stuff. A.K.A J.P
WE LOVE YOU J.P.
Keza: Don't have a heart attack doll, it's okay! I was missing your reviews though, I was hoping you'd see that! I used to update daily on at least one of my stories, so for me this is slacking. I'm trying to get into it again, but life is so crazy, and my computer at home is making a very funny noise when I turn it on. I think Dan wasn't so careful when we moved it and did something to the fan. Yeah, my six month hiatus as I have explained before was due to faire season. We had a festival every weekend and I had work on the weekdays so there really wasn't the time, fall winter and spring I do much better in! It took a little while to get back into the groove of things. It's quite the compliment there, I really try to make my characters believable. Dan sometimes pokes his head in my room to make sure I'm okay, I have these conversations with myself that just make him shake his head. I try to put myself in both peoples shoes and feel what they would feel. He likes it better when the moment comes and I just write. My best work, I like zone and it takes lots to drag my brain out of writing mode. I hope you get caught up with Battle with Fate soon, I'd like to know your opinion of where it's going!
"Tattletale!" I growled as I brushed my hair with a frustration that pulled out hair and made my scalp tingle. I figured there was no use changing; my simple shirt and gray skirt would have to do. I certainly didn't want to impress anyone where I was going. Taking as good a look as I could in the mirror hung above my chest of drawers, I sighed figuring it was as good as it was going to get. As the raised voice ended, I sat down to wait for Molly and wrap my harp for the trip across the alley.
I heard her steps, usually they were light, but tonight they were heavy with anger, another set followed and I knew it was Mush wanting to watch his will be done. That only stiffened my resolve. I would work at the Black Swan, I would pay my own way, and I was not about to let them try to bully me out of it.
"You're not leavin tonight." Molly said without preamble, once my door had been opened.
"You are not my keeper Molly, just my landlord." I told her, my voice stingingly cold. I was still angry and hurt over her previous defection.
"I would like ta think I'm more than just ya landlord, missy." Molly snapped. "After all, I took ya in when no one else would."
"It still is my life Molly, I know you want to protect me, but it's time I made my own way now. Mush is right, I've been living off your charity and while my parents may not have instilled the greatest characteristics in me, I do not accept charity. I'll continue to help you during the day, after I have gotten up. Getting up, will of course, be at my own choosing since my new job will require me to work late. It will help supplement what I do not make to cover my own living here." I said calmly and coolly as I finished wrapping my harp and stood. "Thank you Mush, you've opened up my eyes to many things about myself."
I pushed past Molly and edged around Mush, who again looked angry enough to kill.
"How will ya go to church and be able to hold ya head up?" Molly asked, trying for a last ditch effort to appeal to my morality. I shrugged off my misgivings as I started down the stairs.
"I believe I will manage." I said dryly. "After all, I did not hear you rejecting Mush's opinions of me, so I suppose I'll fit right in."
There was nothing, but silence as I descended the stairs and made my way through the kitchen with a resolve that had surprised Molly and Mush. Never before had I made my will known, I had meekly done what they wanted. Even going to Medda's had not entirely been of my will. Now, for the first time in my life, I was doing something I wanted to do for a good reason, or at least not entirely for selfish, spoiled reasons. I smiled, feeling as though I finally was gaining some control over my tumult life, as I hugged my harp to me and thanked God I had bought it. I walked to the door that had been situated just to the ladies backs this morning and knocked, my heart pounding a frantic tattoo as I waited for it to open. It was as if I were on a precipice, once I entered into the Black Swan, there was no going back, there was no saving grace, and I had a feeling I would never willingly enter back into "society". My mind raced through what I had learned so far and decided perhaps that wasn't such a bad thing after all.
The door opened and a strawberry blonde girl stood there, I smiled for once I was taller that someone. She was on the thin side, she looked fragile, but something in the set of her jaw and her stance told me it would be a bad idea to underestimate her. She looked me up and down nodded to herself and gestured me inside.
"You must be Bianca." She said, it was a statement not a question, and all I could do was nod in response. I glanced around and found myself in a kitchen that was hot, sticky, and full of bustle. The cook ordered her helpers about with the experience and demeanor of a general. One of the girls smiled softly at me as she went back to cutting up vegetables, the other ignored me as she scrubbed a pan as quickly as possible as a boy dried, his attention so focused on the plate he dried I was sure he was a little touched.
"Oh, there you are?" A familiar voice cried. I glanced up to see Lilly weaving about the kitchen to me with an ease I was surprised me. She managed to miss some disastrous collisions with the help without ever taking her eyes from me. I had never before been into the kitchens of my own home and I wondered if this is what it was like. It certainly smelled of home. "Rush, take Bianca upstairs and find her something a little more suitable to wear. While your blouse is lovely dear, the customers do expect a little more in grace."
I blushed, for the first time embarrassed by my clothing. Lilly was already on her way out the door, calling orders to the cook as she did. I glanced at Rush and she smiled at me turning to rush up the back stairs. We stopped on a landing and Rush turned into a blue satin draped hallway. The hall was opulent in its rich pale blue walls; it's cream painted doors with carvings and the carvings painted with gold gilt. It screamed with an aristocratic femininity. As a matter of fact, my mother's room had been decorated in the very same colors. She said it had reminded her of Versailles; I had to admit it did have an air of French aristocracy. So, I suppose it was not that odd I felt at home here. Though I could have done without the noises from beyond some of the doors. I felt myself blushing much more furiously than I had yet today.
Rush did not seem fazed by it at all, motioned me past a grand staircase as she took a key from her belt. We stopped at the end of the hall in front of a door that looked like all the others, though I had begun to notice a pattern of different flowers on each of the doors. This one had none, Rush put the key in the lock and swung the door open beckoning to me yet again. Next to the door was another staircase, I wondered where it went as I followed her in and gasped as I saw an array of dresses in various stages of completion. A cream and gold colored satin covered couch sat in middle of the room, bay windows that were covered in matching shear curtains just behind it. Two Queen Anne chairs sat where it seemed they had been haphazardly placed. A couple of wooden racks held the mostly completed dresses, a foot pedaled sewing machine sat against the wall, and dressing dummies held the least completed. Obviously, Madame Lilly had an in-house seamstress. Though looking at the girl before me, I wasn't sure she would be able to hold still long enough to create any of the dresses about. I glanced around looking longingly at an evening gown of midnight blue trimmed with jet beads that had been painstakingly sewn on. Another, a soft green wrapper, was trimmed with seed pearls, a matching nightgown that was as shear as the wrapper was beneath it. I blushed at its sheerness and obvious job to leave nothing to the imagination. I would have to conquer my blushes, if I continued to work here. Though I had a feeling, they would fade with the newness of all of this.
"You look about the same size as Rose, same coloring too, hmmmmm." She glanced about her looking for something. I just prayed it was quite a bit less revealing than most of what I saw in here. "Here we go."
My eyes turned to her grudgingly; I couldn't help worrying about what my "uniform" for this place would be. To my delight, she held a gold colored satin dress that was possibly a little more revealing than the evening gowns I had once wore. It was simpler, with no embellishments, certainly no Venetian lace, but of good quality nonetheless. It would not do for the functions I had attended, but it was steps above what I had been wearing and the vanity in me was aching for something like this.
"It's beautiful." I said, I would have clapped my hands in glee had I not still been clutching my harp. I set my harp on the couch in a position I was sure it could not be harmed and touched the dress almost reverently for a moment.
"Well, let's get you going then, you're going to be almost as late as I usually am." She told me with a friendly grin. I began to strip down shyly, but Rush was in too much of a hurry to let me finish and she began tugging at buttons and laces forcing me to move faster lest she undress me herself. I was beginning to see where her name came from. As I stepped into the dress savoring the now unfamiliar feel of satin against my skin, she was already pulling the straps up to my shoulders and pulling it into place.
A full-length mirror stood on a stand only feet away and I sighed in approval at her choice of cut and color. While it was much lower cut than I had thought, I found it looked nice. Well, nice wasn't exactly the word for it, but I couldn't help wishing Mush could see me now. It was simpler than anything I had worn before, but of good quality. I was somewhere between what I had worn previously and what I wore now at Molly's. She buttoned the tiny buttons across the back of the dress before pushing me to sit in a chair and burying her hands in my hair. She cursed as she pushed, pulled, prodded, and pinned my hair into place. I smiled in agreement.
When she was finally finished, I was not given a moment to glance at the final result, instead I was handed my harp and hustled down the hall to the stairs. I lifted the skirt to keep from tripping on the hem without thinking; it had been so ingrained, the proper walk and carriage seemed to come to me stronger with the new dress. I dipped my head down as Rush led me to a padded chair before the fire that was more for decoration this time of year than actual warmth. I unwrapped my harp and gently tuned it's strings not looking at any of the clientele.
There had been one worry with my taking this job that until that moment I had never thought of, that someone would recognize me. I glanced up as I began playing to find that no one had done more than glance appreciatively at me. They did not look close at me, after all I was not someone to take notice of, rather I was the hired help, not even worthy of the notice of the women upstairs. It chaffed a little, but it made me feel more comfortable. It also helped that with the way I was turned in the chair my face was kept in profile and with the romantically dim room my face in shadow, the fire behind it casting a darkened outline of my features. Unless someone got very close, I doubted any of them would ever realize who I was, though I did recognize a few very prominent men of New York Society. I kept my playing soft; I was not there to be the entertainment, rather to play as a side. To be something to soothe the impatient, calm the nervous, and keep the room from becoming entirely silent.
I glanced about the room, this one in tones of burgundy and gold, the woods dark and heavy, the carvings simple and masculine. It was most assuredly a masculine room, much like the smoking rooms in the homes of the very men that were there. A few played chess, a couple cards, some merely enjoyed the food, while others waited looking hopefully at the staircase. I watched with them wondering what kind of a sign would come that it was their turn. Looking up, I saw a man that near took my breath away, his dark hair contrasted with his golden skin and vivid green eyes. He glided down the staircase with the ease of a cat and stopped in front of a table near me. His voice was melodic as he spoke softly to the man there. I could tell by the apparition of beauty's muscle he was a little more than ornamental, as the other man stood and followed him back to the staircase his muscles rippled under his jacket.
Obviously, glancing at the waitresses, all of those that worked in the front room and the upstairs rooms of Lilly's were ornamental. Glancing about again I realized with an experienced eye that no expense had been spared, there was nothing ungraceful or distasteful about the room.
I thought about what Rush had told me between curses, about The Black Swan, as she had dressed my hair. I watched as a gentleman smiled charmingly at a pretty waitress, but did nothing more than that. Any customer caught doing more than looking at any of the downstairs help was immediately shown the door and invited to not return. It was exclusive and only so many had memberships, most were not inclined to loose their privileges there. The reason I was to be dressed as I had been was for the simple reason I was just another ornament in Lilly's vast collection. I was worth a little more to her than the waitresses, for a musician could cost dear, but just another acquisition at best. She had chosen me because of my beauty as well as my talent. For I would complement the house as well as all the others, and for once I felt almost pale in comparison to some. I remembered the extraordinary beauties that sat around the table with Lilly just that morning and realized why beauty did not faze Mush. For there were certainly some that were far more beautiful here tonight. With that bitter thought, I immersed myself into the music not wanting to think of him.
I glanced up somewhere close to an hour later when Rush brought me a glace of cider, whispering that Lilly would have given me something a little stronger if she thought I could handle it. I nodded and murmured my thanks as I drank, sinking farther into the shadows, thankful for the padded back on the chair in which I sat. I watched the men I had known, wondering what their lives must really be like if the had to come to a bordello. I wondered for the first time if they were happy. Glancing to my right, I met familiar pair of chocolate colored eyes and blanched, almost spilling my drink down the front of my dress. Deliberately, I set my drink on the small table next to me before turning again to my harp. This time I sang softly with the music, harmonizing with it as I had been taught by only the best of tutors. That is, before it had been taken away, then I had been only allowed to sing.
Though I tried, I could not keep my eyes from glancing from time to time to see if he was still there and if he still watched. His gaze never left me and I was not sure entirely what to think of that. I could still see the anger that burnt there, but there was something else as well, almost a hint of respect. Perhaps a bit of hunger that for the first time thrilled rather than frightened me
Half way through the night Rush appeared and whispered to me that a meal was waiting for me in Lilly's office; my harp she told me would be safe next to my chair. The waitresses would make sure no one touched it. Reluctantly, I left it and followed her along the shadows and across the room to a door that had been cleverly worked into the wall so that only someone who had been looking for it would find it. Inside a delicate desk sat on the far wall, something that would be suited to a lady who wasted her day writing letters of no importance than the owner of a business. Another delicate table sat in the opposite corner of the office, small sitting area to its left.
The table had been set for two and the subtle smell of wine sauce reached my nose as I sat. I waited patiently for the second person, knowing it would be rude to start without them, though my stomach rumbled horribly. Moments later the door flew open and Lilly entered her face bright with a smile as she sat.
"Well Bianca," she told me as she sat deftly and gracefully, placing her napkin in her lap. "It seems we have found a new musician, though tomorrow I expect you here much earlier to be fitted for a couple of new dresses."
"Excuse me." I said, as I watched her cut her chicken for a delicate bite. Her manners were not that of those I had so far met, but of one of my own class. Each movement was choreographed and I remembered my governesses pounding such things into my head starting at the tender age of four. "I could not afford a dress such as this in a week."
"Ah," Lilly smiled at me, real warmth coming from her eyes. "Your fortunes are much improved young Bianca. First, there will be no repayment for any dress you wear here at the Black Swan, for as you can see we make them all in house. If you should choose to leave here, which will happen, for no one stays in this business forever, the dresses will only be remade for someone who can wear it as well. There is no loss to the house for we already owned it, and you will return all articles of clothing when you leave. Though, for now I do not see why you cannot take them back to Molly's. Provided the sanctimonious dear will allow anything from here to venture into her home. She does not approve of us I am afraid, but she understands I believe. Some must do what they can to survive in this world. Unfortunately, not all can remain lily white."
I tried not to smile at irony in that statement and she smiled letting me know it had not been lost on her. I found myself liking her, once you got beyond the moralistic view of her she was really just a woman trying to survive and surprisingly much nicer than I would have ever thought.
It seemed that the rich and sanctimonious were not as often the good people deep down inside, that I found the poor, those that were doing everything they could to survive. It was an interesting revelation, one I would have never believed only a few weeks before. Though I doubted Lilly was entirely poor, I had a feeling that she did good with the money she had, not reveling in it as we had. We had decked ourselves in jewels while others starved in the streets, worn fancy silks and expensive lace while others had nothing to eat, quibbled about the fashion of our furniture and wall coverings while others had no place warm to sleep. We had been raised with no understanding of the sufferings of others, and for the first time in my life, I was beginning to realize that my privileged life had been built around gilt walls and false mirrors. That there were others who were not to be pitied for what they didn't have, but envied for what they did. My world had been almost emotionless except for greed, lust, and selfishness. As I glanced back only weeks before, I was appalled at who I had been.
Had it really been only a month? It felt like years, or at the very least months, I felt so different and distanced from the spoiled girl who knew absolutely nothing of the world. I knew I was not as jaded as some, nor would I ever fully fit into this place, but I was learning quickly how to survive, it was something that surprised and pleased me. At the same time, I knew it would be a struggle, for nothing so far had come as easily as everything else in my charmed life had come. Though I had not appreciated things anywhere near as much as I did now.
"A penny for your thoughts?" Lilly asked, her head tilted like a birds in inquiry, the curls that fell from her coif rivered elegantly over her shoulder.
"Nothing incredibly pressing, just reassessing." I replied, a little hesitant to share my discovery.
"And how is that going for you?" Lilly queried, one perfectly plucked eyebrow raising just enough to let me know she was still curious.
"Excuse me?" I asked for that had not been the reaction I had been expecting.
"Reassessing." She said calmly, "How is that going?"
"With difficulty." I replied honestly, for it hurt to look at myself and realize I had not been in the least the good person I had thought myself to be. I was not above it all, I was not better than anyone, I had just been born with more things. To understand yourself and accept it is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do. Accepting the truth can shatter dreams, break hearts, and fracture self-esteem. Still anything shattered can be mended, broken hearts can be pieced back together, and fractured self- esteem, though the hardest to fix, can still be restored.
"Pride goeth before the fall." Lilly said into the silence, her eyes far away, as though she were remembering something herself. "If we are lucky we all wake up to find that we are human, with all its capabilities and faults. If we are exceptionally blessed, we may fix what is inherently wrong and learn to live life beyond ourselves."
I nodded in understanding, the oddest friendship formed that night over a dinner that was exceptional and realizations that were difficult. I found myself grateful that I had been given the chance to become something more than I had been. I had been given the chance to be something infinitely more wonderful than the spoiled selfish girl that had wondered onto the streets without a clue, only to be taken in by some of the most beautiful of souls. Even if I was angry with them both, they had done a wonderful and selfless thing. Perhaps I could find it in my heart to forgive them. Molly at least, Mush however was going to take some work. For one cannot take back words, and some can never be forgotten. Who ever said words 'can never hurt me' was a fool, for words can cause more damage than sticks or stones. They can damage that which is invisible and difficult to fix. Mush had thrown a handful that had been more painful than anything I had ever experienced. I could only hope he didn't really mean them.
Emotions: Honey I have lost and relost everyone's cc's at least three times. If you send it to me again I will be sure to add you, I still haven't added everyone, it would have been too much for poor Bianca. Glad you liked this latest installment
Lucky: Wow it's been a long time since I've heard from you! At least I think it has. Oh well my mind is shot here with Christmas so soon! I'm happy you loved it!
Pricilla2: Poor Mush is confused. We woman confuse the hell out of him!!!! The last thing he wants to do is to want to protect her or even really like her, but she's growing on him. I wrote more, do I get candy?
FrenchyGoyl: Okay here you are girly, I put your character in. Yes he's jealous and not liking it so much. Life sucks when women confuse you I guess. I updated as soon as I got it back from the lady that edits my stuff. A.K.A J.P
WE LOVE YOU J.P.
Keza: Don't have a heart attack doll, it's okay! I was missing your reviews though, I was hoping you'd see that! I used to update daily on at least one of my stories, so for me this is slacking. I'm trying to get into it again, but life is so crazy, and my computer at home is making a very funny noise when I turn it on. I think Dan wasn't so careful when we moved it and did something to the fan. Yeah, my six month hiatus as I have explained before was due to faire season. We had a festival every weekend and I had work on the weekdays so there really wasn't the time, fall winter and spring I do much better in! It took a little while to get back into the groove of things. It's quite the compliment there, I really try to make my characters believable. Dan sometimes pokes his head in my room to make sure I'm okay, I have these conversations with myself that just make him shake his head. I try to put myself in both peoples shoes and feel what they would feel. He likes it better when the moment comes and I just write. My best work, I like zone and it takes lots to drag my brain out of writing mode. I hope you get caught up with Battle with Fate soon, I'd like to know your opinion of where it's going!
