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Chapter 8: Burn Your Fringe Off

I noticed Dave was staring at me as I put my cup down. "What?" I barked.

He just shook his head slightly, smiling that cheeky grin of his, "Nothing. This is nice. I mean, it was more awkward than a badger in a sink at first. Or a giraffe in a cupboard. Or a Sven in... well, anywhere. Or-"

"I get it," I said, trying hard not to laugh like a loon. He really does have a good point. Especially the Sven thing.

"Anyway," Dave continued, "That can't happen again."

"Ok," Dave began in a whisper and I leant forward even more to hear what he was going to say, "The plan is... we're not going to let it be awkward."

"...Every time the situation becomes awkward, all we have to do is acknowledge it. Then all the awkwardness will end. We can have a code word!" Dave said happily. "Whenever we feel things are awkward between us we just shout the word. That way we know but no one else will. Capeessshhh!"

..."Ok, I'm in," I told Dave. "What's the word going to be?"

He grinned at me crazily (think Angus) and said, "The word is PANTS!"

Of course. Why didn't I think of that? The word is always PANTS!

Thursday 2nd February

5.15pm

In my boudoirrrr

It's quite simple really. Me and Dave can hang out with each other as much as we want and be as happy as Larry (though I've never met Larry himself, that would be an honour) without there being a smidge of awkwardness.

Well, I guess there is some, but that's the point – there's only some. We eliminate it before it gets a chance for the entire situation to be very awkward.

Plus, this is a ridiculously big opportunity for some hilariousity action. Because basically me and Dave are just going to shout "PANTS" as soon as one of us feels things are getting a tad too awkward. And that's just going to be hilariosity personified. Yes.

2 minutes later

And I have decided to become a Saint of sorts. Even though I am still worshipping the devil. (He has served me well). But I am going to buy Liam a new phoney phone. Because I thought, eh, why not?

1 second later

And I did drop his last one down the toilet.

3 seconds later

I don't think it was worth recovering.

6.00pm

Jas rang. Naturally she wanted to know everything because she's so nosy. A nosy owl of the forest. Tut tut.

But I can't tell her everything because me and Dave have decided to keep the PANTS thing a secret. Otherwise it's de-awkwardness affecting-ness would be diminished. And we don't want that.

Plus, I kind of like that me and Dave have a special thing.

1 second later

Not special, SECRET. There is nothing special about it because we are matey mates. And mates can have secrets. It's what makes them good mates. And me and Dave are going to be awesome mates. Yes we are.

2 minutes later

"There's something you're not telling me," Jas said on the phone being the annoying twit she is. And I don't even get midget gems for listening to her be her annoying and twitty-self. Urgh.

"No Jas," I said with a sigh, "There is nothing I'm not telling you. Nothing is what it is. So nothing is what I shall tell."

"That made no sense."

"Yeah well neither does your obsession with Owls but I don't tell you."

Pause.

"Err... yes you do, all the time."

"What's your point Jassy?"

I heard her make a stupid grunting sound into the phone that I know she uses when she wants me to know she's upset with me but really it just sounds like she desperately needs the loo.

"Why won't you tell me what happened with you and Dave? Did you snog him? You snogged him didn't you?" she accused.

"Jas, I told you that there is no hint of my red bottom arising now that me and Dave and good matey mates and that is what I stand by."

"So... did you snog him or not?"

"No!" I shouted down the phone, "And now you have angered me. Goodbye Jas before my devil-worshipping-self comes out to breathe flames down the phone and burn your fringe off."

Friday 3rd February

3.30pm

Leaving Stalag

Seriously, why does anyone bother with school? It's such a stupid waste of time. Today I learnt that without the sun plants wouldn't grow. Hells bells seriously? Do they think we're two years old? Even Libby knows that and she eats plants on a regular basis.

Walking with the Ace Gang at the mo and about to meet up with the Barmy Army. Jas and the like are acting all twitchy because they don't know what me and Dave will act like when we see each other. Clearly they don't believe that me and Dave are matey mates like I told Jassy last night. In fact I know they don't because today (when I wasn't learning about the wonderful life-giving thing that is the big orange thing in the sky) I was telling them over and over about the matey-mate arrangement I have with Dave.

But none of them know about the PANTS bit still. Obviously. I'm rather excited to use it actually. Tres amusant!

5 minutes later

Holy smokes Dave and Rollo just jumped out from round the corner screaming "RUNNNNN!" at us which made 5 and a half of us take to sprinting the other way. The half is Ellen's leg. She saw Dec and so somehow half her body became rooted to the spot.

Naturally the lads fell about laughing as they all appeared in front of us. Rosie (after gathering her wits) marched up to Sven and full on slapped him across the cheek. That shut everyone up and we all stared goose-goggly at them waiting for something to happen.

Only then Rosie just shrugged and jumped on Sven so the two of them could make out. What else?

Then the pairing up began. Hunky and Po instantly went to discussing something ridiculously dull. She's probably telling him about the sun and plant thing we 'learnt' today. Even though she is a supposed wild woman of the forest Jassy is vair vair dim sometimes. This revelation is probably making her shake in her gigantibus knickers.

1 minute later

It ended up being me, Dave, Mabs and Ed on the corner as the other "couples" had took off walking next to each other. Or in Sven and Rosie's case, shunting along as they continued to stick their tongues down each other's throats. Er-lack.

Mabs was doing shifty eyes between Ed, Dave and me. Probably wondering if it was ok to leave me and Dave alone. Which it obviously was because we are matey mates. But Mabs didn't believe it. Even if she really wanted to make out with Ed. I could tell.

30 seconds later

Ok this is ridiculous. No one is speaking and Mabs is still doing the glancing thing.

It's starting to get rather-

1 second later

"PANTS!" Dave suddenly shouting making me, Ed and Mabs jump. Literally.

Dave then turned to me and shrugged casually which made me break into spontaneous laughing of the higgily-piggily type and I saw Dave grinning at me.

We then turned to Ed and Mabs who looked scared and confused beyond belief. That made me laugh harder and then Dave joined in.

5 seconds later

While Ed and Mabs were still frozen in shock Dave shuffled over to me and said, "Shall we?" before nodding in the general direction of the others.

I smiled at him and said, "Why yes of course." And just like that we walked off acting as cool as le cucumbers.

1 minute later

Conclusion: first PANTS episode? Success!

Sunday 5th February

So now it's official. Me and Dave are mates and everyone knows it – the Ace Gang, Barmy Army, Jas's Owls', the lot. Which makes it official. And it's bon. Tres bon in fact. Mucho tres bon with bananas on top.

This is a new era. The era of me and Dave being matey mates. Of course, there's still gonna be the awkward-turtle moments but because we are mature almost-grown-upsies-folk our PANTS plan sorts them out puuuurfectly (as Angus and Gordy would say).

30 seconds later

Speaking of, I haven't seen the two furry critters around much later. And by "seen" I mean tattooing my body with scratches and sleeping in my bed so I have to nap on the floor. I wonder what they've been up to?

Maybe Gordy has discovered the female-kittycats and is trying his luck. Or maybe Angus is out purring up Gordy's mutti. Or maybe they are out together fighting crime and busting up bad guys.

12 minutes later

Oh no, found them. They're both curled up under my clothes in the airing cupboard which is toasty warm. They hissed at me at the same time when I went to pick up my top. I guess they'll be getting to the crime fighting later then...

1 minute later

Life is so much easier as a cat. Maybe I should just give up and become one. I could sleep with them in the cupboard and be their queen. Although Angus doesn't really like it when I make him leave the kitchen so worshipping me might be a tad bit of a stretch. Though maybe him digging his claws into me (and not letting go till he's ripped a good junk of skin out with him) is really a sign of affection and how much he luuuuurves me. Maybe.

3 minutes later

I can't believe it's Sunday already. Where did the weekend go? I can't believe I have to be back at Stalag 14 in the morning. It sucks. Work sucks. I think I know all there is to know about plants now. Well at least all I can learn from the sucky sucky teachers at that place some people call "school".

But on the plus side, just one more week until half term!

Dave and the Barmy Army say they have a surprise planned for all us "lasses" that will, and I quote, "blow our girly parts off".

We weren't quite sure how to take that... or know whether it's a good thing...

Short chapter I'm sorry... but anyone up for some Half-term antics next chapter?

Horns out! ;)