Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight and characters, no infringement intended.
Here's a nice long chapter to tide you over until the next one. Thanks for the reviews, it's nice to know people are actually reading this :)
I'll try to update ASAP!
Bella's POV
It was a week since I had returned from Vegas and I hadn't left my house. Rosalie called me several times each day but I ignored her since I knew she was with the Cullen's. I had spent years avoiding Edward and I wasn't about to give up just because my cousin was in love with his brother.
I turned my television on and was horrified to see Edward's face plastered on it. He was talking about some big game and I quickly turned it off before I saw more. He had also been on the front page of the Los Angeles times for hitting a game winning home run. I burned the paper in my fire place. It seemed like I couldn't escape him and he suddenly became all I could think about.
If I hated him as much as I claimed then why couldn't I get him out of my mind? He had caused me to turn into the mess that I had, hadn't he? If I admitted it I was the one who had initiated having sex with him first all those years ago and he had never forced me to drink or do the drugs I did. I was thinking irrationally and pulled out my weed stash to calm down.
A month went by and I still hadn't spoken to or seen Rosalie. The main reason why was due to the messages she left me saying they were all worried about me, including Edward. I was starting to hate Rosalie now too since she was acting like she was perfect compared to my fucked up mess. I guess since she found a rich famous man to latch onto she didn't need me anymore.
The only person I saw and talked to for a month was Alice, oh right and the pizza guy. I knew somewhere deep in my drugged up head I was hallucinating but I didn't care. She was here and that was all that mattered. Alice was one of the reasons I kept drinking and getting high, I didn't want her to leave me again.
Mostly Alice would play with my hair and pilfer through my extensive wardrobe gushing over the high end designers. I would sit back and watch her with a big smile on my face and feel like everything was how it was supposed to be. We were both supposed to be rich and famous so we could have all the things I had now and enjoy them together.
One day I had been so drunk I passed out without eating and it made Alice upset with me. She was scolding me for being a mess and telling me I needed to straighten up. I told her to fuck off that I didn't need her trying to fix me too. Alice's face looked really disappointed and then she said I needed to finally have a real talk with Edward and that he had needed me just as much as I needed him when she died. She seemed to think he still needed me now.
That's what did it. I told Alice I didn't want to see her again and I couldn't believe she had even brought up Edward. She looked defeated but gave me a kiss on the forehead and I passed out.
The next day I woke up and looked for her but she wasn't there. Alice never came back. As much as I drank or smoked or didn't eat she never came back.
One morning I woke up to a particularly bad hangover and tried to find some alcohol to help cure it but I was all out. I decided to take a shower to try and wash it away, but found that I couldn't wash a months worth of a hangover with one shower.
When I got out and wiped the fog off my mirror I gasped at myself in horror. I looked awful. Why hadn't Alice told me I looked so terrible? My skin was translucent white with no color, not even after the hot shower. I had purple bags under my eyes and protruding cheek bones. I must've lost at least 10 pounds that I couldn't afford to loose. My hair wasn't thick or vibrant anymore due to the lack of nutrition intake. I looked like an emaciated vampire.
I wasn't sure what to do. I could continue this way until I died an early death or clean up and get healthy. Option one was sounding like the way to go until I heard a loud ring blare through my house. I almost jumped out of my thin skin and tried to remember if I had ordered pizza or weed. I was pretty sure I hadn't but decided to check just incase I had in my drunken stupor.
I wrapped myself in a robe and went to my front door and peered through the peep hole. I was shocked to find Rosalie standing at my door with her brows creased. She started to bang on the door with impatience.
"Bella! I know you're in there! Let me in, you can't hide from me forever as much as you'd like to! I'm really concerned about you!" She started to choke up towards the end and turned her head away even though she didn't know I was watching her.
I sighed and closed my eyes as I rested my forehead against the door trying to figure out what to do. Was this a sign that Rosalie had come the same moment I had to decide whether to die or live? I figured I somewhat owed it to Alice to show Rosalie I was still a live for now and slowly opened the door.
Rosalie was startled by the sound and quickly turned towards me. "Bella! My God what has happened to you?" She looked just as horrified as I had moments earlier in my bathroom. I just shook my shoulders as she reached for me and embraced me in a tight hug.
I stared at Rosalie as she pulled away from the hug. My face was blank and I felt like I couldn't remember how to act in front of another human.
"Bella, have you been in here this whole time?" She looked around at my dark and messy living room.
I shrugged and sat down on my couch. "I had no where to go and no one to see, so I felt no need to leave my home," I said casually.
However, I changed my tone quickly when I saw Rosalie's sympathetic eyes wash over me with pity. I didn't need her pity, she was lucky I allowed her inside in the first place.
"So why are you here?" I asked with annoyance.
Rosalie forced a small smile on her face. "Bella I am here because as much as you would like to disagree, I care about and love you. Before all of this you were and are my family first and foremost. I think we both let your fame get the best of us and I've been prioritizing my life this past month. I've finally realized what's important, and you…not your fame is what I care about."
She sounded genuine enough, hell I could even see tears brimming in her eyes which was not something that came easy to her. I didn't want to let my defenses down so quickly and scoffed at her.
"Well of course you don't care about my fame anymore since you snagged yourself a famous and rich athlete as your boyfriend."
Rosalie quickly hardened her face and attitude. "Bella if that were the case I wouldn't have even bothered to check on you now would I?"
I had to give it to her, she was a tough bitch. "Besides Bella, I'm not the only one worried about you. Your dad calls everyday to see if I've talked to you and Emmett wants to help too. I know you don't want to hear this but Edward is truly concerned for you, and has been for a long time."
I looked away from her, not wanting to let my anger increase. People cared about me, but did I care that they did? I had to decide if I did and would let them in.
It was then that I heard a small cough and looked up towards my kitchen. Alice was standing there with a heavenly glow around her and was wearing the black Monique Lhuillier gown I had worn to the Academy Awards. She looked like an angel…was she? If she were, where had she been these past years?
I kept staring at her and noticed her pleading eyes. She turned her gaze to Rosalie and then back to me. She wanted me to let Rosalie back in. I felt a struggle brewing in me. I looked back at Rosalie and saw her eyes mirrored Alice's pleading ones. When I looked back at Alice she was gone. I suppose that was all the sign I needed and took a deep breath and spoke slowly.
"Rosalie, if I let you back in my life, it is on my own terms. I am not going to rehab and I am not giving up drinking or smoking. I will slowly work my way out of this, but it's not going to be something that happens over night."
I saw Rosalie try to refrain from smiling. I knew my answer was good enough for her, for now at least. She still knew me better than anyone to know I wouldn't completely surrender.
"Bella this is great! You know I understand and I know what to expect. Just promise me you won't shut me out again."
I gave her a visual agreement by nodding, but didn't want to secure it with a verbal one.
Rosalie pulled me into a secure hug, "well first of all we need to clean you and this place up!" I let out a small laugh, it'd been awhile since I had.
The next week was spent with a cleaning crew giving my house life again and a trip to a salon and spa to give myself life as well. I had cut my drinking down to 2-3 drinks a day which was hard but not unbearable since I usually had been drinking until I passed out. I snuck in a bowl of weed once a day and ate more frequently.
Rosalie was proud of me and told me constantly to the point where it was annoying. I had even gotten some courage to call my dad. It had been months since I last spoke to him. When I heard his voice I had to refrain from crying. I realized I missed him more than I thought. He told me to come home anytime no questions asked. I truly considered it, but wasn't ready to make the trip back to Forks yet.
Two weeks later when I had a faint glow of color to my skin and shine to my hair, I reluctantly allowed Rosalie to convince me to go to lunch with her and Emmett.
The past couple of weeks she'd filled me in on the progress of their relationship. They truly sounded happy and in love and even saw each other everyday. She also elaborated too much on their vigorous sex life.
She would throw in comments about Edward here and there, but since his baseball season started she hadn't seen him for awhile. I was relieved to hear that since I wasn't ready for any more unexpected run ins yet.
I did talk to Rosalie about everything that happened in Forks with Alice and Edward. It allowed me to re-evaluate everything that happened and see things more clearly.
I had decided I didn't really hate Edward. I just needed an outlet for my anger with Alice's death and wanted him to suffer like I was. However since she was his sister, I mad him suffer double.
I felt regret and guilty but the fact he'd chosen baseball over me still stayed in my mind. Also if he'd been more social with me and Alice, events could have happened differently and possibly Alice wouldn't have died. Rosalie told me that wasn't fare to think that, but it still stayed in my mind.
We were meeting Emmett at a little café in Westwood for lunch. I had on an Angel's baseball hat I had bought after seeing Alice in my kitchen. I hadn't seen her since, but felt her presence helping to guide me out of the dark.
When we reached the table Emmett was at I froze realizing he wasn't alone. Edward was sitting right next to him and looked at me right when I spotted him. Rosalie noticed as well and quickly turned to me.
"Bella I honestly didn't know he'd be here. I thought he was still out of town. We can go if you need to…" she sounded truthful and sincere.
My eyes were still locked on Edward's and I took a deep breath. "No, it's fine, we can stay."
Rosalie looked at me skeptically but whispered "okay" and led me to the table. She sat across from Emmett forcing me to sit directly across from Edward.
Emmett had a huge grin on his face and looked like he was about to burst from holding back a laugh and was looking at me. I became self conscious, which I hadn't been since high school, and looked down at my shirt. "What? Do I have something on me?" I asked nervously.
He just shook his head and pointed at my hat and laughed out, "Nice hat Bella, very appropriate."
I looked at him and then Rosalie with a confused expression. Rosalie just rolled her eyes. Edward pushed Emmet slightly and told him to stop.
I took my hat off and inspected it when it finally hit me. Angels. Edward. Dodgers. Angels were the rivals to the Dodgers and Edward was a Dodger. My face flushed red and I looked up at Edward. He looked amused.
"I didn't do this on purpose, hell I didn't even know you'd be here Edward." I tried to conceal my embarrassment and sound strong, but it was hard to in his presence.
Edward looked even better than I had remembered from last time. Perhaps it was because I allowed myself to see beyond my false hatred and enjoy his beauty. He looked toned and his jaw was chiseled to perfection. His skin was a little warmer than usual from playing ball all day and it made his green eyes even more piercing if that were possible. And his hair was still a perfect mess, just a little shorter I assume for playing reasons.
"No harm done Bella," he replied softly meeting my eyes. "Besides, it gave Emmett a good laugh."
Emmett was still coming down from his laugh attack. "If you would have done it on purpose Bella, that would have been even more hilarious!"
He quickly stopped laughing and gave Rosalie an apologetic grin after she kicked him under the table. I smiled at their interaction and saw how easily they fit together. Why couldn't it have ever been that easy for me and Edward? I looked back towards him while I was still smiling and saw he was looking at me. He gave me a small smile and I looked down at the menu.
My emotions inside my head were going all over the place at this point. My inner demon struggled with my angel Alice about how I felt towards Edward. It was good to see him when I wasn't so intoxicated, it allowed me to think clearer. But I still wasn't sure if I could deal with this: sitting right across from him, having to converse with him, having to meet his sad eyes…they did look sad and I tried to believe it wasn't because of me, but I knew it was.
The rest of lunch was spent with Emmett talking about how his team was terrible without him and that if it was just him duplicated a bunch of times they would have gone to the Super Bowl and won. Rosalie always gave him sarcastic encouragement which was typical for her and Edward threw in little comments here and there. I just smiled slightly and would nod while I concentrated on eating more than anything. I was trying to avoid Edward's gaze and I even had to force myself to not look at him.
When we finished lunch and were waiting for our cars to be brought around by the valet Emmett and Rosalie coupled themselves off to get their good-bye kisses in leaving me and Edward alone.
He broke the silence first. "It was really good seeing you today Bella." My heart fluttered when he said my name. I could tell he was looking at me and I didn't want to look up at him because my heart would probably stop.
I just nodded as I stared at the ground. "You're looking a lot better, and from what Emmett's told me you're doing better too," Edward spoke out softly. I could tell he was hesitant to say it and I controlled myself from snapping at him.
I finally couldn't help it and looked at him meeting his eyes. "Thanks," I said simply which earned me a smile from Edward. My simple acknowledgement made him happier already which in turn was making me feel lighter, happier.
The cars pulled up at the same time and Rosalie was waiting for me already. "Well Bella, I hope to see you around again. I'll be in town all week if you ever want to get together and talk or anything." Edward said hopefully as he walked towards his car.
I just gave him a small smile and nodded, not wanting to get myself into anything yet. He smiled slightly back and then got into the car with Emmett.
When I got in the car with Rosalie she turned to me instantly. "That wasn't so bad was it?" She asked nervously. I let out a small laugh, "No it wasn't but I would appreciate a heads up next time."
Later that evening I was reading over a script I finally got to that my agent had begged me to look at. I wasn't sure if I was ready to get back to work, but needed something to occupy my mind since all I could think about was Edward. The script didn't help since it ended up being some dramatic romance crap and I tossed it in the trash. I didn't need to reenact my life, I used acting to escape it.
I poured my self a drink to help clear my mind and soon fell asleep. As I slept, I dreamt of Edward. When I awoke I was covered in sweat. It had been a very intense dream. I dreamt that we were in the backseat of his car like the night I had lost my virginity to him, only now we were older and I wasn't sad. It was an enjoyable experience for me and him. Afterwards we proclaimed our love for each other and I was positive that's what made me sweat and wake up.
As I lay in bed I just looked up at my ceiling trying to think of what that all meant. It was just a dream but it seemed so real. I decided I needed to stop thinking about Edward because it was becoming overwhelming.
Rosalie convinced me to attend Edward's baseball game with her and Emmett even though this wouldn't help me from not thinking of him. I really had no idea what I was doing or getting myself into, but figured I owed it to her for what she had helped me through. We sat behind the home team dugout at Dodger's Stadium waiting for the game to start. The players, which included Edward, were all out stretching and warming up on the field. I spotted Edward immediately. I would probably always be able to much to my dismay. He had just fielded a ground ball at short stop and stretched his long muscular body as he threw it to first base. I also had to admit he looked pretty damn hot in his uniform. I shook my head trying not to pay attention to him too much and noticed some one quite striking standing next to him at third base. He was taller than Edward and more muscular and darker. It was his turn to field a ball and as he threw it I got a glimpse at his jersey and saw it read "Black 25".
I turned to Rosalie and whispered to her, "Who is Black?" She smiled and whispered back, "Jacob Black, he's the third baseman obviously, and one of Edward's least favorite people on the team. He's a little younger and super cocky which pisses Edward off the most." Rosalie laughed a little at that.
I smiled innocently but my mind was going wild with the thoughts of what I could do with Jacob Black. He could definitely distract me from thinking about Edward. I had promised Rosalie I would behave at the game, but afterwards everything was fare game. The fact that Edward couldn't stand Jacob made him even more appealing to me.
When the warm ups finished the players started heading to the dugout. Edward seemed to spot me right away and gave me a lopsided grin and I tried to ignore the fact that my heart stopped when he did. Ever since I had decided I didn't hate him anymore, all of the feelings I had ever had for him such as love and lust came back when I was around him. It didn't help that he always looked breath taking handsome and that he also was very cordial to me. But that pissed me off because I wanted him to be a real asshole so I would have reason to hate him and to have had reason to hate him this whole time.
Jacob saw Edward smiling and followed his gaze till he met mine. He raised an eye brow at me so I raised one back with a little smirk. Jacob nudged Edward and said something to him with a big grin which made Edward look at him in disgust and storm off to the dugout. It appeared that Jacob laughed silently to himself before throwing me a wicked grin and heading to the dugout too.
I already liked Jacob. I knew something could easily happen with us. The look he gave me said it all and I knew that look anywhere.
The game ended and we were to meet with the some of the players at the celebratory after party at a Hollywood night club. I went back to Rosalie's place and changed with her while Emmett went back to Edward's to get ready with him.
How did one dress when partying with professional athletes? Amazingly enough I never really had before since most of my partying had consisted of rock stars and married movie stars. I decided to consult Rosalie since she was in love with one.
She got excited that she got to play dress up with me and decided to squeeze me into some tiny black shorts with a pale pink flowy top that almost looked like lingerie and 5 inch black stilettos. I let my hair hang loose and slightly wavy, made my eyes super smoky to offset the pale pink and left my lips nude.
We arrived to the club after Emmett and Edward. We took longer to get ready which was fine with me because I didn't want to be stuck in the same car as Edward and lust after him all night when I had my target set on Jacob.
The players from the team were already partying hard in a roped off section with girls that were either groupies or significant others. I saw Jacob first and noticed he was eyeing a red head that was dancing provocatively near him. I decided to make my move early so he wouldn't get caught up with anyone else and also before I saw Edward.
I walked confidently towards Jacob locking my eyes on him and immediately drew his attention away from the red head. He stared at me and took a sip of his beer without taking his eyes off of me. His eyes were filled with lust already and I licked my lips as my lower extremities started to awaken. It had been over 3 months since I had last had sex which in my book considered me to be a virgin again.
I finally made it to where Jacob was and stood staring up at him. He was tall, very tall, possibly the tallest person I would ever be with which excited me further when I thought about what he would be packing below the belt.
"Hi, I'm Bella," I purred up at him as I extended out my hand to lightly touch his. He had gave me his sexy and wicked grin from earlier. "Oh yes, I know who you are Bella, I'm Jacob Black."
Hope you enjoyed it! Oh that Jacob Black always has to weasel his way into Bella's life!
