Ch. 9 - You are me
The long shower she took managed to somehow calm Alex a bit, but the pounding in her head made it difficult to fall asleep. She wanted so bad to go to the training room and blow off some steam, but it was forbidden at this hour. Instead, she decided to get out of bed, put on some relaxing music and try to meditate a little. Nikita told her it would help, so why not go for it. How hard could it be, she thought. But before her feet could touch the cold floor, the door to her room opened abruptly and the lights were turned on.
Startled by the sudden combination of loud noise and bright light, Alex jumped on her feet. When she saw who the intruder was and the look on her face, she knew immediately what was going on.
"Nikita…..I can expl…"
"Congratulations, Alexandra! Today is the day you get your wish! Today is the day you die!"
"What?" Alex asked bewildered.
"Here, take it." Nikita said, handing Alex a gun.
Alex was shocked. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak, all she could do was stare at the woman in front of her. First she thought it was a joke, a test, but the look in Nikita's eyes told her it was not.
"I said TAKE IT", Nikita said in a raised voice. "You want to die, don't you?"
"Y…yes…I….but…"
"Then take the gun and do it yourself. Because I am here to grant you your wish, but I will not have your blood on my hands. I did nothing but help you! Support you! Teach you! And what did you do? Sabotage everything! Do you know where I've been for the last hour?"
"Nikita, please let me explain" Alex begged.
"Explain what, Alexandra? How I had to sit for an hour and listen to Amanda's not so subtle threats. Listen to her accusing me that I've put crazy ideas in your head? Do you know what this could mean for me? Instant cancellation!...It doesn't matter how good of an agent I am or what I've accomplished so far, everyone is expandable in here.
"I know….and I'm sorry" Alex said, lowering her eyes and staring at the grey floor. "I didn't want to cause you problems."
"Then why the hell did you do it?" Nikita asked angrily, while throwing the gun on the bed.
"I…I don't know…I was desperate, confused…I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore…Being trapped in here….I feel like I'm losing my mind, Nikita…"
Seeing Alex so defeated, so hopeless, seeing the tears falling from her eyes, took Nikita back all those years ago when she was brought to Division and it dissipated all the anger. She wanted nothing more than to give Alex a big hug and then get her out of this place and make her disappear forever. She was just a child. But that was impossible, so all Nikita could do was take Alex into her arms and allow the girl to cry and let it all out.
Nikita's gesture took Alex by surprise, but she had no more power left in her to fight it. And in all honesty, she didn't want to. It felt so good to feel the contact of another human being after such a long time. To feel the genuine care and allow herself to be comforted. For the first time in forever she felt truly safe. The way Nikita rubbed small circles on her back and caressed her hair, left no doubt in Alex's mind that the woman really cared. That she should not be afraid of her. It was hard for Alex to trust anyone after all that happened in her life, but in that very moment she decided to let Nikita in and trust her.
"Why do you care about me? I'm nothing…I'm worthless…" Alex spoke, her voice barely a whisper.
"Alexandra….look at me" Nikita said, lifting Alex's chin to make the girl look into her eyes. She needed Alex to really listen and believe her. It was her only chance to reach inside the girl and make her believe in herself again. "I care….I care because you are me…and I was you…When I was first brought here I was like a wild animal. Out of control. I screamed, kicked, punched, bit. I wouldn't listen to anyone and all I wanted was to die…. Sounds familiar?"
"Well, I didn't bite anyone yet, so…" Alex said with a mischievous look on her face.
"Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that anyway. They taste really bad" Nikita said jokingly. "Anyway….My point is I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. It's the reason why I was assigned to your case in the first place. Amanda thought I could relate to you. And I do…..And you only have two choices. Continue like this and eventually die, or get yourself together and live. I know it's hard and sometimes it will seem impossible. But you can do it. You have amazing potential and you are strong. I've seen you and you remind me so much of myself. That's why I know you can do it. And I promise you I will be here every step of the way. I will help you, if you'll let me."
"But how did you do it? How did you get to that point where you decided to live?" Alex asked almost desperately.
"Come here" Nikita said while sitting on the bed and inviting Alex to do the same. "It took a long time and a lot of soul searching. I, too, thought I was worthless. But time will prove you wrong. You will find yourself in a situation when you'll have to help someone, save someone's life and you'll realize that you can make a difference. Meditation also helped me a lot and I have Birkhoff to thank for that. He thought me how to do it."
"Really? I wouldn't have guessed that about him."
"Yeah, he doesn't really seem like that kind of guy, but people may surprise you sometimes. He seems tough, but he's a great guy and someone you can trust. When you'll be in a mission, he will be the voice in your ear, telling you bad jokes, but bringing you back safe."
"Oh, that's reassuring" Alex said with a small laugh.
"Look, Alexandra….I don't have a magic cure or a specific answer that you are looking for. All I can tell you is that it will take some time for you to appreciate yourself again, but in the end it will be worth it. You matter….and the sooner you realize that, the better. You'll just have to trust me and yourself. We can do this….together" Nikita said as she gently cupped Alex's cheek. "Ok?"
"Ok….Thank you" Alex smiled and took Nikita's hand into hers.
"Now, I hope you enjoyed this little moment we've had, because it's the last time you'll see me being soft like that. Tomorrow I will start kicking your ass again." Nikita said, rising from the bed. "No exceptions".
"Oh, I have no doubt about that."
"And if you tell anyone I hugged you, I'll deny everything. I have a reputation to maintain, you know?" Nikita said smiling sheepishly.
"Riiight, riiight….the always cold and tough Nikita"
"Exactly! Well, I don't know about you, but I am beat. It's been a hell of a day and I need to sleep. From tomorrow on we work harder than before, so I'll let you rest, too."
"Hey, don't forget the gun. I might get crazy and go on a killing spree."
"Don't worry…it's not loaded." Nikita said, smiling knowingly.
"So, you almost gave me a heart attack with an unloaded gun? Man, you're good!"
"I know….Now, sleep! And that's an order!"
"What? No good night kiss?"
"Not tonight, Alexandra" said Nikita, while heading for the door.
"It's Alex….."
Nikita stopped in the doorway and turned around with a quizzical look on her face.
"From now on, I am Alex…Alexandra is in the past….
Nikita nodded understandingly and smiled "Nice to finally meet you, Alex….."
