...

Road to Always Chapter 9

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down,

You're keeping me down
Something always brings me back to you,
It never takes too long

Sarah Bareilles - "Gravity"

XxX

10 pm, Kate's Apartment.

'I've let my mother's murder define me, It's made me who I am. But now, I want to be more than who I am.' That's what I told Burke but can I really do that? Can I be more? I thought that I could. For myself - for him. I want to be more, I need to be more. It's just so tough. I thought my wall was starting to come down. Maybe it did, or maybe it isn't all the way there yet but - but he has a wall too. I've never seen it before. I can't help but feel guilty about the fact that I may never have looked hard enough before. Maybe it's always been there. Two walls that kept us apart.

Now it's up to me to tell him. Talking about our feelings outright isn't really our thing. That's the downside of being in love with an author. It's all about subtext. Being open with him is uncharted territory. But it's the least I can do. He's put everything on the line for me and I may have let it slip away.

If nothing else, I need to know why he's pulled away from me... from us. Exactly why did he build that wall? Do those questions even matter? The real question is whether I'm ready - whether we're ready to get past the battlements, or better yet, destroy them completely. We fight crime, together. We bring closure to victims' families, together. We work best when we're on the same side of the law. Doesn't it follow, by logic, that we'll work best when we're on the same side of those damn walls? I want us to work.

It isn't fair to ask him to do all the work though. Even with him on the other side of my wall, he walked with me. He's been there when I've fallen apart, when I've been swallowed up and spat out, when my mother's case engulfed me. I couldn't ask for a more dedicated partner, and I know it's not about the case - he did it for me. He's done everything for me.

When Roy died, when he was murdered, in cold blood - just like my mom - Rick was the one apologizing. He was holding me against the car, he was keeping me from getting myself killed that night - and he was apologizing because he knew what that was doing to me. Even after I tossed him out - told him I wanted him out of my life.

He jumped in front of me on the podium, the day of the funeral - the day that I did die. And even then - even after I died, his words gave me strength. Just like they did, all those years ago when I lost mom. His words.

I need to show him - maybe I need to tell him how much his words mean to me. How much they've always meant. I need to find my words.

So - time for me to 'man up'. It's past time. No more hiding - no more walls. I just hope it's not too late.

XxX

I am just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Lenka - "The Show"

XxX

8 am, Alexis' room

I like to take care of my things. Most of my books look brand new. The pages aren't yellow and they're certainly not bent at the corners - that's what bookmarks are for. But right now, in front of me, I have several pages that look, well, not so new. The folds are almost gone. I've spent enough time smoothing them out - poring over the letters that my dad kept from me. I've never been the kind of person who took things lightly - and this one is a big decision.

'The quintessential good girl', my friends and their parents used to say. They tried to egg me on; at least some of them did. But it never bothered me. 'Daddy's girl', others would say. That didn't bother me either. It made me proud. It makes me proud - because I am daddy's girl. Dad is all I've had, and all I've ever needed. Mom's there - she exists - but dad is here. Always.

My dad asked me who would play with him if I decided to go away. Not that it was a factor in my decision. I couldn't imagine myself that far away from my family (not that I told him that exactly). They're not a weakness for me, they're part of my strength. Dad might be juvenile and distracting, but he's always there for me. Maybe I need that right now.

But what about him? What does he need? Hah. I know what he thinks he needs - what he used to at least. Kate Beckett.

I had a hard time coming to terms with her presence in our lives, and her importance in dad's life. He dove in front of her - if he was faster than a speeding bullet, he'd have taken it for her. But he's not. He's not superman. He's just my dad. It hurts to think of what might have happened. That's the thing though; he didn't take the bullet for her, and still he was shattered as if he did. Maybe I've been a little jealous. Maybe I haven't been fair - it's hard to be.

She does the same for him. That's what I've got to remember. He's always been the best father, but after Kate Beckett entered our lives, he's been a better man. Plus, you really can't stay too angry at the woman who is constantly trying to protect your father - like at the bank all those months ago. She protected my family like it was hers. Have I been looking at it all wrong? It's not mine or hers. It's ours - it has been for a long time.

I've been upset with dad for too long. He does dangerous things - but living is dangerous. What he does with Kate - with all the guys down at the precinct - it's important to him. It makes him feel needed. Validated. His books entertain, but helping people through the tragedy of murder, that's what makes him whole.

I think that my internship with Lanie has made me understand that a little bit better. I can see that he has a family there as well. I can see how easy it is to be a part of that family - I feel like I'm a part of it too. They've done that - they've accepted me as a part of their family.

Hopefully, Kate will accept me too. I know my father wants to be with her, and after talking to Kate, I realized it's mutual. They just never connect at the same time. She seems more ready - more willing - to admit what she feels towards my dad. I just hope it gets resolved soon. It's been so long - he's waited so long for her.

The talk I had with Doctor Parish and Kate was enlightening to say the least. I didn't realize how big the chip on my shoulder was until the words came out. But getting it out in the open lifted it. Our conversation ended with declarations of love on both sides - I only hope the same thing happens when it's just Kate and dad.

XxX

Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand

Honestly we'll never stop this train
See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound

And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

John Mayer - "Stop this train"

XxX

6 pm, Martha Rodgers' School of Acting.

Sometimes my son is clueless. 'If you wanna punish Beckett, at least let her know why.' That's what I told him. I feel like I'm holding his hand right now, and what he needs is a good shove. Although maybe he's on his way. After that case with the zombies, he seems to be happier - lighter. I'd talk to him about it, but his hold on the situation is tenuous at best.

I joke about their relationship to keep his head in the game. I once told him that he can't write his way out of a bullet and I meant it. He puts himself in harm's way every day, and mooning over Beckett can't be good for him. Things need to get resolved - and quick.

Even after the hostage thing at the bank he still thinks I'm distant at times. It's true - I am. It's the only way I know. But if something happened to him, my world would fall apart. I think I've gotten better at showing him how I feel. I just wish I'd done it sooner and more often.

I don't want to stick my nose in where it's not wanted, or I'd go to Kate myself. I'm not sure whether to be mad at her or simply frustrated. I wish she could see how she ties Richard in knots, but I know he won't let her see that until they're at a breaking point.

That's not to say that Richard is doing much better at the moment. He's reminding me of when he was a hormonal teenager. He's too old for this - I'm too old for this. Hah! Never! Martha Rodgers is anything but old. I don't have doubts about Kate's feelings for my son - she has more doubts than I do. I have doubts about the fact that they'll ever see what's right in front of them. Everyone around them knows that they're in a relationship, whether they call it that, whether they accept it, or not. It irks me that two of the brightest minds I've known can be so dull.

At least Richard can stop being passive/aggressive about Alexis and her college choices. I still can't believe he kept those letters from her. If I've been too distant, he's been too dependent on her. He's the best father I've ever seen, but he needs to let her fly. My granddaughter is amazing. She'll be able to do whatever she chooses to do. We joke about her maturity - it's not a joke though. She's more of an adult than Richard or I will ever be. She lives in the real world.

I have mixed feelings about Alexis and her choice to stay in New York. Her father promised to try and let her be independent, and I have no doubt that he will try. Succeeding... now that's the issue. I'll want to help them through that as well, but I'm just as lost. Richard was always independent, and I liked it that way. Now I just want to grab Alexis and hold on. It's amazing how life changes when you're not paying attention.

XxX

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Snow Patrol - "You Could Be Happy"

XxX

10 pm, Rick's Office

I normally love subtext. But I'm so over it when it comes to Kate. We finally had a conversation where we said what we meant, and it felt good. Okay, so I was wearing a zombie costume, but that's par for the course. We never do anything like we're supposed to.

Just when I decide to make a decision, Kate subverts it. I told my mother I could handle working with her even though she doesn't love me - and then she sends me mixed signals. Then I wanted to make this last case my last case - and she almost tells me I'm wrong about her.

So what do I do now? The job - and yes, it is a job - makes me feel good - wanted, needed. Kate used to too. Now I don't know what to think. I can't separate the two. The job, and Kate - one and the same. She embodies all that I strive to be. She cares like nobody I've ever known. She has so much love - is it wrong to hope she has some left over for me?

I saw what I wanted to see; heard what I wanted to hear. It's the same thing I thought I did that day on the swings. I thought that I heard what I wanted to hear. But now I think that I heard what she meant for me to hear. It's making my head spin. We're too wise for our own good. She does want me on the other side of that wall. She wants me there. She said it. There can't be any other way to take that. There can't be any misinterpretation. She wants me there and as I told her, I want to be there.

I've been thinking lately from her perspective - since I haven't given her the benefit of the doubt. She said she was healing, seeing a therapist. For Kate to accept help from the outside - that's big - no... huge. She put in the work and left out the excuses. How can I not be moved by that? How can that not matter to me. She hasn't been making excuses and I've been punishing her. It makes me sick - makes me hate myself a little. She was shot.

And what excuse do I have for my secrets? I want her alive. That's a good excuse - but it's an excuse. We need to stop using them. Excuses and secrets. Secrets are like time bombs. I'm pretty sure my luck with diffusing them has run out.

But now I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of sanity. At least where Kate is concerned. I have a feeling that things are coming to a head, and I need to be ready. Not that I could even begin to prepare. She has a way of surprising me. I have no idea what's coming next. Should I keep sticking around, waiting for her to come to me? Until the last few days, I vowed to stop waiting. To stop thinking she could love me back. Even when I overheard her in that interrogation room and figured she didn't have those feelings for me - somewhere in the back of my mind I held out some hope.

She's always been good at giving the families of the victims just that - hope. I should have known better than to think that she doesn't have the same for us. She's given me hope, and that's more than I had last week.

When I told her 'Things change - and change is good.', I wanted to believe it myself. That we could have that change. It's what we desperately need. Something has to give, and I was going to let it be me. Then Kate surprised me again. She was the stronger one this time.

It wasn't about being embarrassed. It wasn't about her integrity. It wasn't about secrets kept. It wasn't about words that were lost in translation. We were there when she was shot. We were there when it all started. I believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, fairy tales, love stories. I might have taken a detour lately, but now I'm back on track. More than I believe in anything, more than I've ever believed in anything before - I believe in my love for Kate Beckett.

I'd like to think that now, finally, we're on the same page. Hell, I'd be happy if we were in the same chapter. In fact, I think that maybe it's time to write a new chapter. I've always thought that someday I'll write the perfect murder, but this is more important to me. If anybody could write us a happier story, it would be me and my muse.

XxX

A/N: Yeah yeah, we know inner dialogue is supposed to be italicized, but how freakin' annoying would that have been? A whole chapter of italics... yuck.

Docnerd89: I don't know about you guys, but it makes my eyes hurt.

Same here. So - just pretend, okay?

Docnerd89: Thank you, thank you, thank you x a billion - for the subscriptions and reviews and all that jazz.

Seriously! And I'm digging that you guys like our author's notes. We seem to have our own 'witty banter'.

Docnerd89: If only ya'll could see how much we chat between the writing.

And that means a lot of erasing. Good thing. I'd be worried if y'all wanted to see inside my brain.

Docnerd89: We're both extremely morbid, in case you haven't guessed from either of our independent fics and the case from this one.

Not to mention all the virtual drooling I do. She gets to roll her eyes at me a lot. She's Kate and I'm Rick I guess. Juvenile - check, pouty - check, full of innuendo - check.

Docnerd89: Lol. Yeah, I'm totally a kickass, gun weilding, emotionally constipated hot chick. Not.

Totally not. But I'm sure you do your fair share of eye rolling.

Docnerd89: True enough. I do. I'm also good with the cynical sarcasm.

Hair porn?

Docnerd89: Not so much. I do also use conditioner sometimes! HAH!

Same here, but nothing in my house smells like cherries ;-)

Docnerd89: Well, I'm a bit glad. If my hair was like Kate Beckett's or Stana's for that matter, I'd be stuck in front of a mirror all day.

Okay, so we're getting off the point now. Hey readers... look over there while we get back on track -

Docnerd89: Woohoo! I killed a mosquito. Huh, what? Off track? Right, right.

*sigh* I'm just glad we finished this chapter with 'Always' making us crazy. As we write this, we're at T-minus six hours and counting.

Docnerd89: The only appropriate reaction to 'Always' is : asdfghjkl.

I'm hoping this helps. Angst should prepare us, right?

Docnerd89: Nothing can prepare us. My 'Always' survival kit : Tissues, Chocolate, and the knowledge that millions of fans are going through the same. And with that - K and I hope that you guys have enjoyed this chapter, let us know ;), and good luck with 'Always'. This story is not over yet!