Pain Fades but Scars Don't
Chapter 9
With Scars Come Strength, With Strength Comes The Ability to Be Okay
After the initial relief faded was when the real questions came. There was a moment of silence as the laughter died down before the unavoidable came up. "Why'd you
do it?" You looked up meeting eye contact with Jace before diverting them to the white sterile sheets of your bed. You didn't know if you didn't respond immediately
because you were thinking of an answer or if you were hoping the question would be forgotten and everyone could remain somewhat happy.
"You won't get it." You fiddled with your hands, running your fingers along the tubes connected to you. You didn't meet anyone's gaze far too ashamed.
"Then enlighten me." It was a demand and you knew it. He was angry, they all had a right to be. You nodded trying to find the words.
'Jace-"
"Alec he's fine, he's mad and he has a right to be. As do all of you. It's hard to explain…I was sick of being worthless, of being nothing, of holding everyone back. I
figured this was going to be the most painless way possible for everyone. I didn't expect you to find me."
"Who did you think was going to find you!" Jace stood as he yelled at you causing you to flinch.
"I don't know. I'm sorry." Jace got closer to you leaning his hands onto your bed.
"Sorry isn't going to cut it Y/N! You hurt everyone here, we get an explination!" You expression stayed fixated on your bed hands clutched trying to control everything
you were feeling. You sighed to yourself as you realized you weren't getting out of this anytime soon.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, any of you. I only wanted to hurt myself, to not feel anything, because not feeling anything is so much better than feeling like your
worthless." You clenched your fists harder as the tears started to run down your face.
"You really didn't think you dying would hurt any of us? That we wouldn't miss you like crazy? That we wouldn't spend everyday wishing you were still here?" You shook
your head as your shoulders shook.
No?" It was heartbroken and your voice cracked as you said it. It was hushed and sounded as though a child had said it. Jace felt himself start to crack as your
shoulders heaved with a sob.
'Hey. It's going to be okay." He sat down next to you putting his arms around you as you sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." You said it over and over
until it didn't even sound like a sentence anymore. Jace rubbed your back trying to soothe you. Magnus watched from his spot in the back.
"Y/N would it be easier for you to explain what's happening if you could show us?" You looked up from your teary gaze frowning.
"How would you do that?" Magnus smiled gently at you putting his hand in the air
"Magic." You gave him the smallest of smiles, which he treasured greatly. He came towards you putting his hands on your head. "Okay show us want your wanting to
explain. Show us how you feel." You closed your eyes focusing all of your energy to find the memory that would explain it the best. There were so many, losing you
parents, losing your siblings, trusting the wrong people, bad relationships. You finally decided on your first time cutting.
Three years ago
The whole day had sucked. You had been punished for sleeping in and missing training which meant you would be missing out on the mission that night and be training
all day. With no other than the boy who broke your heart, a person punishment from your mother. Though you didn't really consider her your mother much anymore,
after an failed mission a year ago your mother didn't find pride in you anymore. Her eyes used to light up when you walked in the room but now you were lucky if she
looked at you at all.
You breathed heavily as your ex took no mercy on you. Of course you wanted none. You fought as hard as you could taking all your anger out on him. It felt good to
knock him to the floor but after a while he would get mad. It was after one of your midday training session as it was time to eat. You gasped as someone grabbed your
hair. You began to fight but your wrist was caught and turned to an almost breaking point. You froze waiting for it. You were pressed against someone's chest. "If you
think you can get by with that you are sadly mistaken." You frowned looking down as his hand landed on your breast. You turned to fight him but he shoved you onto
the mat. He was stronger than you as much as you hated to admit it, plus you had no advantage.
You were going to call for help when his hands found their way around your throat. "If you even think about screaming I'll make this so much worse." He roughly pulled
your pants and underwear down before undoing his own. You fought even against his wishes but quickly realized that wasn't the right move either, because there wasn't
a right move. He entered you harshly, taking no time to let you adjust, he slammed into you repeatedly making you cry silently.
"Please stop!" You had begged only once but he hadn't listened and you didn't want to seem weaker than you already were. You stayed silent as he finished and left you
there are on the floor. You had remained calm up until he spoke to you one last time.
"That was fun, we should do it again sometime." You didn't even turn around. You waited until the door slammed to run to your room and vomit. You puked for what felt
like hours until all you could do was heave. You finally dragged yourself to the shower roughly cleaning every part of your body trying to get rid of his touch. Once you
felt even the slightest bit of comfort you sunk to the bottom of the shower. The water surrounded you making you feel safe, and for the first time that day you cried.
You don't know how long or when you saw the razor but you pulled it down slowly. You stared at it contemplating how worth it was it? Ever so slowly you put the razor
to your wrist pushing only deep enough to cut, You blood drooled down your wrist and made little patterns onto the floor. You don't really know why, but you smiled.
You had felt something other than misery. You would become strong, one cut at a time.
Flashback over
You opened your eyes to see Magnus's fading back to their normal color. You looked around to see the others doing so as well. "So you all saw?" Your voice was rough
and fragile. Almost bitter. They all looked at your which such sympathy it made you want to puke, but you also somewhat appreciated it. You looked to each of them
Clary and Izzy both were crying. Clary crying more as tears streamed down her cheeks while Izzy remained slightly more composed. Simon and Jace looked furious
while Magnus and Alec both still held onto you, both holding the kindest look of compassion you had ever seen. Both making you feel so safe and loved. You gripped
both of their hands tightly sending them tense smiles. It was your quiet way of saying "thank you" and they knew it.
They all nodded waiting to see who would speak their thoughts first. It was of course Jace. "Did you tell anyone, please tell me that douche isn't still at the Institute?"
You looked up to him, his gaze softened upon seeing yours. Your smile giving him an odd comfort as you put your hand on his cheek attempting to calm him down.
"Yes I reported it, no he's not there anymore. Besides this was at a different institute. I left that one pretty soon after." You slightly dreaded the next question, knowing of course Izzy would not be one to skip over details.
"Why would you leave? You did nothing wrong." You sighed looking up at her. It was seemed your friends were going to be learning a lot about you tonight.
"A lot happened during that time. The next day I reported him and he was deruned and exiled. My mom pulled me to the side after the whole thing was and told me that
I should have fought harder, they had the videos of what happened and she said I gave up. She told me I should never give up…" You took a moment to clear your
throat and wipe your tears. This was the really hard part to speak about. "About a week later after I was cleared to continue on missions I went with my younger
brother and my best friend at the time. It was a small hunt to get me back into things and because it was my brothers first hunt, he was at the top of his class so he
was ahead, but it turned out not to be so small, we were just supposed to take out a rogue werewolf but that wasn't the case. The wolf wasn't alone and we didn't'
realize it until it was too late. The three of us were fighting as hard as we could but then I heard the loud scream coming from my baby brother…I couldn't go to him
right away or we would have all died. I fought with my friend until they were gone three minutes later. For three minutes I ignored the person who mattered most to me
while he was dying.
I begged my friend to call for backup as I held him in my arms. He was trying so hard to be strong. He hardly cried at all, but I could tell he was suffering. He had lost
so much blood. By the time anyone found us he was already gone…he was only eleven. It was his first hunt." Izzy and Alec felt something in their hearts break, they
could only imagine how you felt since they had once almost lost Max. They both moved closer to you holding you tight as you fought your hardest to not break down.
Magnus watched you, swallowing harshly, attempting to hold the tears back. He placed his hand gently on your leg. You looked at him, your wide eyes watering.
"No, don't do that Y/N. Stop holding things back. It's most likely how you got here in the first place. We've all been through things, no one here is going to judge you.
We're your family." You smiled greatfully before completely breaking down, allowing eveyr emotion over the last few years to take over. By the time you were finished
crying along with quite a few of the others you were so tired. As much as you wanted to sleep you knew this conversation wasn't over. You waited wiping your nose. It
was Simon who spoke next.
"I don't get it. Why do you hurt yourself? You don't deserve it and it doesn't' change anything that's happened?" He wasn't trying to be mean, he was just curious, and
you knew that. You nodded towards him as you spoke.
"I don't really know how to explain it. It's like people can't see or feel what you feel and that makes you feel crazy. So you do whatever you can to make that pain real.
It numbs it in a way. I remember that feeling of actual pain after all of the mental stuff, it just makes things clearer. It's the same way with not eating. It's like
punishing yourself so that you can be stronger."
"How does not eating make you stronger?" Izzy watched you suspiciously, this didn't seem like something coming from your own mind. You shrugged shaking your
head.
"I don't know it just does. It will make me faster and smoother on missions?"
"Then explain why you were slower last night."
"I-I don't know it's-
"Y/N stop lying, the eating issue isn't coming from you. It's coming from your mom. She's the one that made you like this." You stared at her horrified, not only that she interrupted you (which she had never done!) but also that she would accuse your mom.
"Izz you have it all wrong! This was my idea and mine alone. Leave me mother out of it."
"Y/N I heard you after that last argument! She called you weak and told you to watch your weight because she feared it would slow you down! She's the one making you feel like this! Can't you see it?" You shook your head glaring at her.
"Your wrong! You're lying! She meant well, this was my idea not her's. She would never want me to be this weak. I was only doing what I had to do."
"Y/N what did she want you to do to be faster?" Your eyes flickerd back and fourth as you thought through your last conversation with your mother. Isabelle was right, it had been about your missions, but had she said that stuff to you? You couldn't remember. You closed your eyes clinching your palms.
"I-I don't remember." You were sad to admit it. You didn't want to believe that your mom would ever want you to be like this. You looked up to Izzy who's gaze had softened upon seeing your broken state.
"Hey, it's going to be okay. We're all going to be here to help you through it." You looked around seeing the smiles and nods. Clary's vanished of course upon seeing your hands.
"Y/N your hands!" You looked down confused but unclenched them to see blood soaked into your nails and deep cuts formed into the shape of crescent moons inside
your palms. You frowned not really knowing what to do. You didn't really see the point in fixing them as you didn't feel it, plus it isn't like you really still cared about this
life so who cares if they get infected. Magnus had grabbed your hands before you could think about it. His magic taking it's time to heal your hands. You looked at them
continuing to frown as you watched them heal in front of you…that wasn't what you wanted. You snatched them back as soon as his grip loosened, His frown matched
yours as he looked at you.
"Y/N why didn't you want me to heal you?" You watched him skeptically for reasons you weren't sure. You shrugged not trusting yourself to speak. He moved closer
gently. "Y/N talk to me." You watched him closely, inwardly deciding how much you trusted him, or any of your other friends for that matter. Finally you nodded slowly.
"I don't know exactly what it is, but I like the scars. They make me feel something, they remind me of all the pain I felt when I did them and it's almost…peaceful? I
don't know if that's the right word, but they make me feel something. Something other than disappointment. Seeing them disappear makes me feel as though I still
don't feel anything except guilt. Magnus nodded, you could tell he was really trying hard to understand. He laid his hand on top of yours once more.
"I'm sorry, I should have asked before I healed you." You smiled sincerely grateful to have someone like him in your life. You could tell looking at the rest they didn't understand, but that's okay you didn't expect them to.
"I don't understand why you didn't come to us. We're your family, your best friends. Did you not trust us?" You looked at Jace meeting his gaze. You thought about it, really considering why you chose so avidly to hide.
"If I had told you would you have made me stop?" Jace looked at you eyebrows raised.
"Would you expect any less?" You smiled softly
"There's your answer." He nodded, he still seemed to be thinking it over, but at least he sort of understood you now. "Jace I didn't want to get better, having someone try to make me would have only hurt more." He nodded.
"You know this has to stop right?" You turned to look at Alec. He looked completely and utterly serious, but not stone cold as you were expecting. You sighed fighting the urge to run and jump off a bridge somewhere. You didn't answer as you laid back down cuddling into the sheets and letting sleep take over.
Authors note: Sorry for how long it took to update this. I really wanted to finish it but looks like that still won't be happening this time, guess we can always hope for next chapter. As always if you have any comments, suggestions, or helpful critiques I gladly accept them! Also any requests are always welcome and actually really appreciated. Much love for everyone and hope you're having a blessed day!
Love,
Kaitlyn
Book currently reading: Behind Closed Doors (still iffy on if I like it but I'll keep you updated, Your Voice Is All I Hear the last one I mentioned turned out to be really good!)
Current favorite song: Home by Bebe Rexa, X-Ambassadors, and Machine Gun Kelley
Current favorite thing in life: My puppy Bentley!
Update in life: I got a new phone today! Yay no more glitches!
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite quote at the moment: "The definition of insane is doing the same thing over and expecting different results"
Night night everyone, happy drifting.
