A/N: I feel the need to add a disclaimer at this point of the story. From here on, some of the decisions made are going to be a little on the murky side, ethically speaking. I just want to make it clear right now that it's not my intention to portray Elissa as being right or wrong, or Alistair, either, for that matter. They're both human and make plenty of mistakes, and this is a growing up story for Elissa as much as it is anything. Likewise, Wynne and Zevran are two extreme examples of people who have chosen sides, and their attitudes are meant to be skewed in those directions. I, personally, claim total neutrality on the issue, so please don't yell at me about some of the stupid things these characters are going to say or do in the future.


Relationships

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Drakonis; Year 9:31

Dalish Camp

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Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.

~Robert Brault

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The night was cold, the light of the campfire reflecting off the last layers of crust-covered snow that stubbornly lingered in the shadow of the trees. It wasn't bitter, though, the final bite of winter having given way to the hesitant first signs of spring. The camp was quiet around them—Oghren and Zevran had already disappeared to take over the watch, but Elissa decided to warm herself by the fire before trudging to her own tent to find her rest. Now, curled up in Alistair's arms and securely wrapped in a fluffy blanket, she wasn't so sure she wanted to get up. The night sky was perfectly clear, the stars shining brightly over the still, cleansed forest, and she was in danger of dozing off right where she sat.

"Have you ever been in love before?" she asked, somewhat drowsily.

"Hmm." Alistair pulled the blanket a bit tighter around them, pausing to press his lips against her temple as he thought about it. "Not since I was nine. A scullery maid's daughter—I was teasing her one day and she shoved me hard enough to knock me into a puddle. I was instantly crazy about her." Elissa felt him smile against her skin as she giggled. "What about you?"

"No." She hesitated, wondering if she was about to reveal too much before adding, "I thought I was, once."

He laughed softly, his arms tightening around her momentarily in a small hug. "You mean you actually had a basis for comparison and I still got in? Wow. I didn't see that coming." He bent his head, his lips brushing against the tender skin at the curve of her neck, sending a pleasant wave of shivers down her back. "Tell me."

She shrugged and moved slightly, finding his hands beneath the blanket as she sank back into him, letting her head fall back on his shoulder. "I was sixteen. He was older than me. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Just the type to send a young girl spinning into dreams of hopeless romanticism." She smiled when she felt him chuckle behind her. "He thought I was annoying when I was younger, but that year, something… changed. It sounds silly now, but there was a time I couldn't imagine being without him."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, really. We had one summer together, and then he left. I was heartbroken."

"Ah, the mysterious necklace-giver." He took a few seconds to consider that. "You certainly don't mention him much."

"He's been gone for many years now. I hadn't even thought about him in… well, a long time."

He was quiet for a moment. "Not even a little?" She shook her head, but still felt a shift in his mood, a small tension of uncertainty seeping into the peaceful languor. She thought it odd, that the revelation she didn't think about it had sent him off balance. "What about me?" he asked at length, his voice very quiet. "Are you going to realize one day I'm just a hopeless crush as well?"

So that was it. Elissa sighed, knowing exactly where his thoughts were wandering, simply because hers rarely lingered anywhere else recently. This was the last of the treaties, and tomorrow they would be leaving for Redcliffe in preparation for the Landsmeet. She drew a deep breath, shaking her head at the hopeless truth of it. "No."

His lips brushed her ear, something low and needful in his voice when he whispered, "Say it again?"

She turned her head, looking up at him in the dim starlight, melancholy settling into her heart as she saw his beautiful hazel eyes fixed on her, searching. "I love you."

His mouth captured hers the moment the words were out, faint desperation belying the gentle coaxing of his lips. Elissa gave herself over, savoring each second as if she could memorize every little detail. It was a long time before he pulled away, and he just looked at her for a long, heavy moment before he shook his head, moving to get to his feet. "We should get some sleep."

Elissa nodded and reached up to take the hand he offered to help her up. She forced a smile and a more natural tone of voice, teasing, "I'm not going to have to make up for a flare of irrational jealousy now, am I?"

"Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but that might sound too intriguing to pass up." He smiled and twined his fingers through hers. "Though I can't say I'm sorry he was stupid enough to let you get away."

She chuckled and allowed him to lead her back to the tent. "Neither am I."


August; Year 9:31

Vigil's Keep

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By late summer, the rebuilding of the Keep was well underway, but the damage was extensive enough that she worried it wouldn't be completed by the time the snows came. As a result, the Wardens themselves were adding to the labor force, more than willing to help haul stone and mix mortar if it meant having a roof over their heads during the cold months. All over again, Elissa found herself cursing Arl Howe for being such a sorry example of a noble lord. She had known he was a greedy, grasping swine, but being stupid on top of it all was just salt on the wound.

The coming winter promised to be a hard one, and Elissa spend a good deal of time in the cellar, counting wheels of cheese, sacks of grain, and barrels of ale, trying to determine what they were going to need to survive the winter. The harvest threatened to be a lean one after the Blight, word arriving from Denerim pleading for the bannorn to take only what was absolutely essential in their autumn taxes. Though Howe had been rich in coin, he had apparently demanded it over the standard tax offerings, because the cellars in the keep were a sad sight. A few sacks of grain and apples were all they had to supplement the kitchen's stores.

"It's going to be a rough winter," she told Aeryc as she scribbled down figures. She paused long enough in her calculations to shift her position, propping her feet up on a low stool to try to ease some of the pressure in her back. Her pregnancy was past the point of trying to conceal any longer, and the considerable bulge around her middle made sitting for long periods of time uncomfortable. Standing, too.

Come to think of it, she was usually uncomfortable these days.

He shrugged and tossed the last sack of grain into the corner. "We'll get by." He reached over and plucked what was going to be her third apple out of her hand. "It would help, of course, if you didn't eat everything in sight," he added before biting into it himself.

Elissa sighed, rubbing her middle. "I can't help it. I'm hungry." She kicked the stool aside and got up, pressing her hands to the small of her back as she stretched. "I'm going to the kitchens. You coming?"

"I suppose someone has to keep you from wolfing through the winter stores."

The light of the sun was welcome after so many hours in the dark cellar, bright and warm against the yellowing leaves. The courtyard was covered in a blanket of red and gold, the crunch of leaves muffling their footsteps as they made their way over the main keep. Elissa closed her eyes and tilted her face towards the honeyed sun, breathing deeply. She had always loved the autumn more than any other time of year, loved the smell of leaves and wind and the gentle hint of coolness to the air.

"Nate! Catch!"

"Don't call me Nate."

Elissa opened her eyes slowly, glancing around for the source of the interruption. She spotted Jaedan standing on the roof of the barracks, tossing down bundles of thatch to a waiting Nathaniel. Both were stripped to the waist in the summer heat, and she watched as Jaedan lifted his arm to wipe the sweat from his brow. Though she was in no condition mentally or physically to be sincerely interested in anyone, she couldn't deny that Jaedan was pleasant to look at now and then. He was tall and strongly built, numerous nicks and scars running across his chest and arms as testament to his warrior's life. As she watched, he caught the edge of the building and swung over the ledge, dangling from overhang for a moment before he dropped down to the cobblestones below.

"I keep telling you you'd make a decent rogue," Nathaniel said quietly as he stacked the remaining bundles. "It would suit your style far better. Always flowing, always changing, like a river."

Jaedan only laughed. "So you're a broody poet now? Come on, Nathaniel—don't be that guy."

To her surprise, Nathaniel offered him a grin as they picked up the supplies to carry back to the yard. As they passed, Nathaniel paused in his step for only a moment before he nodded at her in greeting. "Commander."

Elissa frankly gaped as they walked by before turning to Aeryc for answers. "What's with him?"

Aeryc shrugged. "We ran into his sister in Amaranthine. I think she might have had a thing or two to say worth hearing. Like how their father had taken leave of his senses."

"We've been telling him that for months."

"Apparently it wasn't as convincing coming from us."

Yet Elissa had a chance to speak to Nathaniel herself later that evening. She was in the library, sitting cross-legged on the floor and sorting through a collection of tomes she intended to lug back to her own room when she suddenly became aware she wasn't alone. Nathaniel appeared from behind one of the shelves, so intent in his search that it took him a moment to spot her. When he did, he froze in mid-step, grey eyes widening slightly. He stared at her for so long it made her uncomfortable.

"It takes me quite a bit of effort to get up from this position," she said dryly. "So if you're going to try to kill me, I'd appreciate it if you'd do it already so I don't have to get up twice."

He finally moved, crossing his arms with a low, wry laugh beneath his breath. She made a note of his stance, shifting lightly with his weight primarily resting on his front leg, and she realized he seemed nervous. His eyes drifted over her for a moment, stopping to linger on her belly. Though Nathaniel had absolutely no way of knowing who had fathered her babe, the scrutiny made her a little nervous. She rested a hand protectively on her stomach.

The movement seemed to snap him out of his stupor. "He just let you leave?" he asked finally, very quietly.

She didn't need to ask what he was talking about. Instead she sighed and slid one of the books back onto the shelf behind her. "I'm here, aren't I?"

He shook his head, muttering beneath his breath. "Idiot."

Elissa rolled her eyes, remembering a similar sentiment Alistair had expressed once upon a time. "That seems to be a popular opinion after the fact."

Nathaniel dropped his arms, looking pained. "It really wasn't like that." He couldn't quite look at her, his gaze focused somewhere over her shoulder as he spoke. "I carried that summer with me for… I don't know. Years." He lifted his head, staring up at the ceiling as he considered his next words. "Tell me the truth, for the sake of those years. Are you the one that killed him?"

For a moment, she considered lying, just to try to keep some semblance of peace between them. She had never stooped to such tactics, however, and couldn't bring herself to do it now. With a deep breath, she lifted her chin. "Yes."

Silence fell, thick and heavy. Without another word, Elissa began to gather up her books, struggling to her feet. Nathaniel looked at her when she made to walk past him. His eyes were cold and hard as ice, but his voice was calm enough when he said, "You should get one of the men to carry those for you."

"I've got them," she said quietly, eager to be away from him. She walked quickly out of the library, hurrying up the steps to her own chamber. As she rounded the corner, she leaned against a wall, finding it hard to catch her breath. It took her a few deep breaths before she realized she was close to tears.

A sudden pain stabbed through her abdomen, sharp enough to make her stumble and drop her books with a loud clatter. She leaned with one hand on the wall beside her, the other resting on her middle. The pain receded, but when she tried to straighten up, it came again, hard enough to make her gasp this time.

Bloody fucking Howes.

… … …

Anders' hands hovered over her middle as the gentle flow of healing magic surged through her, seeping through muscle and nerve and bone with a quiet, peaceful warmth. He had such beautiful hands, she thought, the supple, long-fingered hands of a true healer. Despite Anders' numerous other faults, he had proven himself to be that over the past few months, empathetic in a way Wynne had never even tried to accomplish and even tender when needed. Within seconds the pain ebbed, allowing her to take her first deep breath since it had begun. She relaxed back on the small cot, feeling suddenly warm and drowsy.

"It was just a little ligament pain," Anders said, his low, soothing tone making her wonder if he had done something to make her sleepy, as well. "It's not unusual, but nothing you should have to suffer through, either. Right now all you need is a good night's rest. Let Aeryc take you to your room."

She was too tired to argue. She got to her feet and dragged herself in the direction of her chamber, allowing Aeryc to trail along behind her. Her eyelids felt incredibly heavy, her limbs pleasantly warm and relaxed. Anders had definitely done something. She would have to kick his ass for that later. Right now, she needed sleep.

Aeryc waited until she was outside of her room before asking, "Elissa, how much longer are you going to put off sending word to Denerim?"

She shook her head and collapsed on her bed, reaching over to give Aiden a quick pat before she answered. "Why? I wasn't good enough for him before. Why should I be now?"

He rolled his eyes, fixing her with a knowing look. "Don't you think you're being a little…?"

"No, I'm being a lot," she said, resting her head on her pillow and bringing her knees to her chest. She stared across the room, sighing at herself. "I'll send a letter tomorrow."