Disclaimer: They are not mine.
Making his way to the bathroom, Elliot was torn between relief and anger. Relief Olivia's wound was relatively minor and anger that she didn't tell him. However, he was angrier at himself. Not only wasn't he there when she got hurt or there when she got home but, when he was actually there to tell, he wasn't in any state to comprehend it.
Ditching his beater and boxers as he climbed into the shower with her, Elliot gently touched her shoulder, startling her.
"What are you doing in here?" she asked sharply, turning to face him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he countered, picking up her right arm, the waterproof dressing firmly in place.
"Tell you what?" she sighed, closing her eyes and dropping her head back under the water spray.
"You got sliced! How could you not tell me?" he asked, though it was disappointment filling his voice and not anger.
"When, El?" she replied wearily. "When I got home? You weren't here. When you got home? You were too drunk. Don't worry about it." She turned her back to him once more.
"Let me do it," he offered, taking the shampoo bottle from her hand.
.
Olivia sighed, resigning herself to giving in rather than arguing. It was a well practiced action, especially of late. Putting a small dollop of lotion into his palm, Elliot rubbed his hands together before tenderly massaging her scalp and raking his fingers through her hair. Not able to find any words, he put all his love and affection into the task at hand.
Saying nothing, Olivia allowed herself to relax into his touch as he carefully rinsed her hair before conditioning it. When he finished the final rinse, she broke her silence.
"It's been nice, El, but I've got to get to work," she sighed, attempting to step past him.
"You're not going in," he responded, taking hold of her upper arms.
"Yes, I am. Got paperwork to finish," she replied.
"I called Don, that's how I knew about your arm. Told him you wouldn't be in…" he began.
"What? Why the hell did you do that?" she retorted, pushing her way past him.
"Because I love you and I'm so scared right now," he admitted, dropping his head in shame.
His tone, rather than his words, was enough to spin her around.
"Scared of what?" she asked. The goosebumps appearing on her flesh a testament to the fear she saw in his face.
"Have I totally fucked things up with you?" he asked, too ashamed to even look at her.
"What do you mean?" she asked, moving back to him and under the water.
"For the last year, my life has been a mess and you've been there every step of the way," he started, she nodded but said nothing. "And you needed me so much last night and I wasn't there for you … I haven't been there for you … with anything …"
"I understand …" she began but he pressed his finger to her lips.
"No, I don't want you to understand," he interrupted shaking his head. "I want to be able to be there for you. I want us to be there for each other. I want you … I don't think I've told you enough … shown you enough … but I love you and want you and need you," he whispered hoarsely, pulling her to him.
"I love you too, El, but …" she started but soon stopped, her hands slipping from his shoulders to his back.
"But …" he prompted, he didn't want to hear it but he knew she had to say it. It was the least he could do for her.
"But I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm worried about you and I'm just …" her voice trailed.
"Just what, baby?" he asked, raising her face so she'd actually look at him.
"Just so lonely," she admitted, tears burning her eyes.
.
Her words stunned him. They had each other, or at least he thought they did.
"How can you be lonely? I'm right here," he whispered, his fingers tracing her cheekbone.
"When's the last time you were really here, El?" she asked sadly.
"I know it's been hard …" he started, his heart sinking. "But I have been here."
"Yeah, in body ...sometimes… but your head's somewhere else … we haven't had a proper conversation in god knows how long. We haven't just hung out with each other in months," she said matter-of-factly.
Elliot draped his arms across her shoulders and leaned his forehead on hers.
"I've been so caught up in this misery, baby," he whispered. "I've got this fog in my head, in my heart, and I can't see clearly … I keep thinking I'm gonna get out of it but it keeps swallowing me up and I hate it… and I hate me …and I hate…"
"Me?" she offered, her voice shaky.
"What?" His head jerked up. "Hate you? No, god, no, Olivia! How could I hate you? How could you think even think it?" he gushed, pulling her to him.
"Because as much as you need me, you don't seem to want me," she said, her tears bubbling over and mingling with the shower spray.
"I do want you, Liv, so fucking much," he choked. "How could you think I didn't?"
"It's six weeks since we made love, Elliot," she said, tilting her head. "Six weeks."
"I know," he nodded. "Believe me, I know."
"And I know you've had a lot to contend with this past year and I wanted to be there for you…" she began.
"And that means so much," he interrupted.
"But then I was starting to think maybe that's all it was … you needing me to be there for you … that it was never about us … but you just needing a friend," she continued.
"I need you for you. I need us. Yes, you're my friend, Livia, my best friend but you're also the love of my life and I knew that long before Eli was even born … let alone died," he admitted, holding her hand to his heart.
.
Olivia nodded and reached over to turn off the taps now the cooler water was flowing. Stepping out of the tub, she grabbed a blue towel handing it to Elliot before taking another one for herself. Drying themselves in silence, Elliot was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief when, still naked, Olivia climbed back into their bed and patted the space beside her and waited for him.
Climbing in, he pulled the covers around them before wrapping her in his arms.
"How long?" she asked, her breath tickling his chest.
"For what?" he asked, kissing her head.
"Leave. How much time do I have?" she asked, raking her nails along his arm.
"As long as you … we ... need," Elliot admitted.
"Okay," she nodded. "Well, I need to spend today with you. Right here, in this bed, with you just holding me. Can you do that?" she asked, tears threatening once more.
"For the rest of my life, Olivia," he whispered, kissing her head. "For the rest of my life."
.
Hours later, Olivia awoke and smiled lazily when she realised they were both wrapped in the same exact position, neither one having moved at all. Lifting her head, she gazed up at Elliot, surprised to find him awake and looking down at her.
"Hey," she cooed. "You been watching me?"
"Nah," he replied. "Well, maybe just a bit," he corrected.
"Get any sleep?" she asked, brushing her fingertips lightly across his cheek. He started to nod before Olivia spoke again," Truth, El."
"A bit, maybe the first hour or so," Elliot admitted. "Not so much after that."
"Why didn't you wake me, baby?" she asked gently.
"Because you needed to sleep," he replied, kissing her forehead.
"But you haven't moved and we've been here nearly four hours," Olivia continued.
"I didn't want to disturb you," Elliot replied, holding her a little closer. "I've been doing too much of that lately."
"Doing too much of what?" she questioned to clarify.
"Disturbing you," he replied, closing his eyes and pushing his head back into the pillow.
.
Olivia pulled herself up on his body and firmly set her hands on either side of his face.
"Elliot Stabler, look at me," she commanded softly. His eyes opened. "You have not been disturbing me, got that?" she questioned. "You've worried me, upset me, concerned me but never disturbed me."
"You haven't exactly been sleeping properly," he commented. "I know that's because of me."
"No, it's not, baby," she sighed gently. "All this hasn't helped but I don't blame you. I've never been a good sleeper. I've never really slept through the night, not even as a kid."
"Oh, I thought …" he trailed.
"You thought it was your fault?" she prompted and he nodded. "No, El, it's not your fault."
"Liv," he began before searching her eyes, wondering if he should get it all out in the open.
"Go ahead," she prompted, caressing his face.
"Do you … I want you to be honest, okay?" he said and waited until she nodded. "Do you regret … me? Do you regret us?" he whispered, his hands trembling.
"No, I…" she began but he stopped her by placing a finger over her lips.
"No, Liv, I want you to think about it. This last year has been incredibly difficult and you can't say life's been good and I've been here watching you while you sleep wondering how in the hell I was lucky enough to have you in my life and feeling fucking lousy that it's all been about me and my pathetic life and none of it's been about you and …"
He stopped his rambling when Olivia's finger pressed against his lips. Normally she wouldn't let him go on as long but there was so much to be said, so much she knew he had to get out, but she'd heard enough.
"You listen to me, Elliot," she said, as her tears tumbled over. "This thing with you and me is not based on the last year alone but on the whole decade since we came together. We've both had some incredibly hard times in those years but it's brought us closer together. Yes, the last year has been horrible and I'd give anything to change that but I can't. You do not have a pathetic life, you have four beautiful kids…" she continued, "and you have me," she added, which finally brought a smile to his face.
"And that's why I think I'm lucky," he whispered.
"And I have you and I that's why I think I'm lucky," she agreed.
"You do?" he queried, not understanding how she could see anything positive in him or their relationship.
"I do," she nodded.
"Despite all this?" he questioned again, still not believing.
"Maybe because of this," she countered, confident in her response. "It's made me realise that you need me as much as I know I need you. I've been in love with you for so long but always felt I was being needy or desperate because some days just walking into the precinct and seeing you smile was enough to make life better…."
"That's exactly how I feel about you," he interrupted, a relieved smile crossing his face.
"So, if we're pathetic or hopeless or whatever, then we both are… and so maybe that's why this works," she said, smiling as a grin broke out across his face.
"Well, so long as we both are…" he began, he thumb swiping across her lips. "Then I guess we're stuck with each other."
"And that suits me just fine," Olivia smiled, leaning down and kissing his chest.
.
Elliot slowly ran his finger along the edges of her wound dressing.
"Baby, I am so sorry about yesterday, about not being here for you… about this…" He gently kissed her arm. "It won't happen again, I promise."
"You're here now, El," she said gently. "We can get through anything that happens, so long as we do it together, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," he nodded.
"And you know what else we can do together?" she asked sweetly.
"What?" he questioned.
"This!"
Suddenly there was no innocence or gentleness between them, it was pure passion.
Thank you for reading, please review!
AN: Not sure if there were problems with alerts over the weekend but the next chapter (Wedding Night) of Fighting Back is up and is needing reviews - Thanks!
