Chapter 8
You are Karkat Vantas and you are annoyed as fuck. Not only have you're two incompetent bodyguards hindered more than helped on this journey they apparently couldn't deal with one measly meddler.
Well, you assume they couldn't deal with them. After Terezi failed to show up you assume she failed and is dead or unconscious somewhere. You didn't hold on to much hope for Gamzee in the first place. The moron was usually so stoned he couldn't tell his ass from his elbow. The man in black probably wouldn't have much trouble outsmarting him.
You, on the other hand, are an entirely different bag of fucked up gummy bears.
After coming to the conclusion that you're going to have to deal with the shitface yourself you hastily come up with a plan of action, which, you smirk evilly to yourself, is not hard at all.
You hastily remove a piece of cloth from the bag you'd been carrying since you left your small ship and blindfold the human Jake with it. You find a relatively flat rock and push a large dead branch up to it with your foot. You then force Jake to sit on the log by telling him to sit and pulling down on the rope tied to his wrists. He grunts in pain as he clumsily complies.
You count yourself fucking lucky the ropes used earlier caused the injury to his wrists; otherwise you may not have had control of this situation. Jake, who was taller, stronger, and heavier than you, would have easily overpowered you had he been at full capacity.
You hurriedly set up some food from your bag on the rock and grab one or your sickles. You press it up to Jake's throat and sneer a little as you watch him inhale sharply through his nose and tilt his chin up at the feel of the sharp tip pressing on his neck.
Not a moment too soon either as the man in black decided on that moment to come loping over the hill.
He stops dead in his tracks upon seeing you and you don't give him the chance to think before you're talking.
"Just you and me then fuckass?" you rest your chin in your palm with your elbow on the rock in front of you wanting to appear nonchalant.
The man starts walking slowly towards you as you reach over and take a sip of juice from the cup you set up earlier.
"If you want him dead that badly then by all means, keep moving forward." You say scowling at him.
You watch him pause his steps for a moment before continuing towards you.
"I can clarify you know," he starts.
"There's nothing to clarify you piece of moth ridden shit. You're trying to hijack my hostage."
"Maybe we can make a deal?" he hasn't stopped walking and is effectively closing the distance between you.
"No fucking deal douche bag and you're killing him." You press the tip of your sickle more firmly into Jakes neck and he gasps slightly in pain as the sharp tip nicks him.
He stops moving and holds his ground.
"If you don't want to make a deal then it's a stalemate dude." He places his hands on his hips and stares you down. At least you think he's starting at you, you can't see his eyes through his stupid-looking shades. "
"You got that right dickhead. You could probably pound me into the ground but you're no match for my insane thought processes."
"You're that smart?" he crosses his arms in front of his chest as he regards you.
"Ever heard of troll Einstein? Troll Hawking?"
"Yeah."
"Cavemen."
"I think you just flattered the Geico Caveman."
"What?"
"Never mind. In that case why don't we find out who's smarter. A battle of wits?"
"For this shitty human?" He nods at you, "To the death?" he nods again. "You're on!" You agree as you remove the sickle from Jakes throat and replace it at your belt.
"Sweet, then pour some more juice." He pushes a nearby rock with his foot up to your makeshift table and seats himself.
Curious as to what he has in mind you pour some apple juice into both cups you had placed on the rock. He then reaches into the one of the pockets of his black skinny jeans and pulls out a small vial and opening it.
"Take a whiff." He hands you the vial and you cautiously sniff the contents.
"Sopor slime? Where the fuck did you get this?" you hand the vial back to the man.
"Your asshole clown friend had a ton of it. I assumed he wouldn't mind if I borrowed some."
You grunt noncommittally as he reaches out and takes both cups. You watch as he turns around shielding your view of what he is doing. After a moment he turns around again and sets both the cups back on the rock; one in front of you and one in front of him, putting the vial back in his pocket in the process.
"There it is dude. Pick your poison. You pick one and we both chug like a sweet frat party. Whoever doesn't end up high as a kite wins and gets to kill the incapacitated one."
"This is too fucking easy dipshit," you scoff at his stupidity, "You're like an open romance novel to me. I just have to decide whether you'd spike your own glass or mine. If you has half a fucking brain cell left in that pinhead of yours you'd spike your own cup because you know I'd be a moron to blindly accept whatever the hell you gave me like some desperate tool, so you spike your own cup. But you would have known I was fucking awesome at everything so you would have spiked my cup."
"Made up your mind?"
"Fat chance you lame excuse for a fart in the wind. That spoor slime was Gamzees and you probably stole it from his stupid fucking corpse. So why should I trust a fucking murdering thief? That means you spiked your own cup. "
"Haha," his chuckle is quiet and his smile is barely an upturn of the corner of his mouth, "Where do you come up with this shit?"
"Wait till I get going!" you snarl, "You know that spoor slime is a troll thing and trolls are much more badass than any human so you spiked my cup."
"Quit stalling like a little bitch."
"Oh you'd like that wouldn't you! You're getting off on watching my masterful mind at work fucknuts! You kicked Gamzees ass which means you're either smarter than he was or stronger than a highblood. Il take a fucking leap and guess it was easy to outsmart a stoned moron. You think so highly of yourself you spiked your own cup thinking you can beat anything. But, you've also Kicked Terezis ass and while she gets off licking chalky rainbows she knows shit. So if you're smarter than her you'd spike my cup."
"Now you're just fishing for clues. Sorry I ain't bitin.
"I got you hook line and sinker sucker! I know all the facts! All of them!"
"Then pick jackass."
"Fine! I choose-WHAT THE FUCKING GOG IS THAT?" you point over his shoulder.
"The fuck?" He turns to look and you swiftly switch the positions of the cups on the table so that his is now in front of you and yours is in front of him.
"I don't see anything," he turns back in your direction.
"Then you must be fucking blind with those stupid shades on fuckass. Whatever, it's gone now." You scoff at him.
"What's got you in stitches McChuckles?"
"The fuck do you care? Let's get on with this. I'll drink from my cup and you from yours."
Without a word he takes the glass in front of him and raises it with a steady hand to his lips. You take your own cup and match his movements. When you see his throat work as he swallows you confidently take a few gulps of your own. You don't taste anything funky with your apple juice and your smugness levels climb through the roof as you watch him for signs of the slime taking affect.
"You guessed wrong," he states and you bark out a harsh laugh.
"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what "McChuckles" was laughing at fuckwit! I switched glasses while you were checking out the scenery! It was so classic how much you fucked up just now. Like how you should never think you can escape the miles, cause nobody escapes the miles. But only slightly less well known is this! NEVER GO IN AGAINST A CANCER WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE LINE!" You cackle manically as you wait for him to drop from his seat and don't even realize it when your vision swims and you lose track of anything resembling coherent thought.
-Be Jake
You are now Jake English and you're not sure what the heck is going on. You couldn't see what was going on because of the blindfold and you didn't dare say anything to draw attention to yourself.
There is now a heavy silence after you hear Karkats laughter cut off. You try to picture what might have happened and your mind comes up with several scenarios but then you hear the rustle of cloth and feel a presence beside you.
You feel a gentle touch as the blindfold is removed from your face. You squint at the sudden brightness of the light and squint some more as you try to focus without your glasses. All you can see is a man crouching in front of you wearing all black.
You see him reach over and grab something from the ground and then he is placing your glasses on your face. You can focus now and watch as he carefully removes the ropes tying your sore wrists together.
"Who are you?" you ask suspicious of your would be savior. You can't see his face because of the large pointy shades Karkat mentioned he was wearing earlier.
"I'm the shit and nobody should mess with me." He replies shortly.
You look down at where Karkat lay now enjoying a drugged nap.
"Blimey," you breathe, "all that time it was your own cup that was spiked."
"They were both spiked," you see his lips twitch, "Idiot didn't know that while spoor slime tastes like piss to humans, it has no effect on them."
He helps you stand and grabs you gently by the elbow, his fingerless leather gloves pressing against your skin. He then takes the lead as you are again dragged along to who knows where.
-Be Condesce
You finish searching the area with your powers and look back up a little startled
"Someone beat a highblood." You hear yourself saying
Vriskas eyebrows disappear into her hairline but otherwise she makes no comment from atop the centaur lusus. You jump back onto the lusus you've been riding and you lead your search party on, following the trail of Jakes kidnappers.
"Stewart's gonna take a dirt nap if Jake dies." You vow.
Oh my gog I was dreading this chapter just because Karkats dialogue was going to be a bitch but it had me chuckling the whole time. New chapter coming soon!
