Disclaimer: Don't own.

Warnings: Yaoi. KakaIru. Don't like, don't read. Simple. Probably a little AU.

A/N: Well, I hope this is soon enough for you guys. I'd hate to keep you all waiting when the last chapter ended in such a tense spot. Again, I must thank all of my reviewers. All of you. You're truly fantastic, you're input is amazing, whether you just commented on Kakashi's stupidity or gave me encouragement, it was all very much appreciated. Thanks.


"Kakashi-senpai… I… I didn't mean to…" He had no idea how to finish that thought, so he just let it hang there unfinished.

"I… uh… I… uh… I have to… uh…" And with that Kakashi disappeared. Leaving Iruka alone in his kitchen with their meal burning behind him.

The chuunin mindlessly dumped the ruined food in the trash can, and went to sit down on his couch. What had he done? He'd ruined everything, and that small part of him that had been hoping that maybe the jounin felt the same way about him had died, and he was left with a feeling of emptiness and uncertainty. The man who had always been there for him, helped him through all the hard times he had faced had left, and he was not coming back. He's ruined one of the only good things he had left. He'd destroyed the friendship, however tentative it was, that had meant more to him than almost any bond he had shared with even his closest friends. What he had with Kakashi was different, and more meaningful than anything had ever experienced before. And he had ruined that in one angry moment, he had destroyed what he held so dear to him.

Iruka couldn't bring himself to cry. He knew that if he started he would not be able to stop, and this time Kakashi would not be there to make sure he made it through. He curled up on his couch his body shivering, despite not being cold, and he closed his eyes. He tried to forget the whole thing, forget that he had been close to Kakashi at all. He tried to find peace in his solitude, but only found despair and loneliness. He was more alone right then than he had been in his entire life. When his parents had died, Kakashi was there. When he lost Mizuki, Kakashi was there. When he'd lost not only Sasuke but Naruto as well, Kakashi had been there. And now he had lost Kakashi, and it was his own fault. Now he was truly alone for the first time in his life, and it was terrifying.

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Kakashi's fingers gently traced the markings on the stone before him. He didn't speak aloud; it wasn't necessary. Those he came to seek guidance from knew why he was there, without him having to say it out loud. He let out a deep sigh. He probably wouldn't have been able to say it anyway. Iruka had said the one thing he had wanted to hear more than anything, and his reaction had been to run away. He was frustrated with himself for his inability to accept the one thing he had wanted so desperately. The prospect of actually obtaining what he had been searching for, for such a very long time was beyond frightening. And now he was here with Obito, Minato, and everyone who had tried. Everyone he had failed. It was all too much, and he had no idea what to do. He needed help.

The stone sat silently offering nothing but the prospect of familiarity. The idea that he would go on the way he had always gone on just like the memorial stone would always be there just as it was. More names would be added, perhaps his own one day, but the stone would remain the way it was, what it was, forever. His fingers traced the letters idly, his thoughts elsewhere. He couldn't stay here, he needed to do something with himself. He needed to be thinking about something else. This all hurt too much, and he couldn't handle it, so he wouldn't. He would just not handle it. Making a decision he turned toward the Hokage Tower and walked slowly, as if his legs were made of lead and did not want him to go, but he had to. He had to do something other than just sit and think about how much it hurt, how much he wished he could find the courage to go back and tell the chuunin how he felt, even if it meant rejection. Surely rejection would only confirm what he felt now, but he couldn't allow himself to hope for anything other than rejection. He knew that if he hoped and was refused it would be the end of him. He couldn't put what little he had left and give it to Iruka when there was such an obvious chance of the chuunin denying him.

His feet walked on their own, while his thoughts remained focused on Iruka. He didn't want to be thinking about the brunette anymore. Something inside of him was tensing, threatening to break at even the smallest disturbance. He strolled into the Hokage's office staring down at his feet without really realizing. He wasn't thinking about where he was or what he was doing. He was thinking about Iruka and how much he needed the man, but couldn't tell him.

"Can I help you with something, brat?" Tsunade asked in a rather annoyed voice. She had a mountain of paper work on her desk, and Shizune had yet again taken her sake away. She was more than a little on edge. Her voice almost snapped Kakashi out of his own thoughts, but he had already made his decision, and the words came forth without his even thinking about them. His mind was still on the chuunin.

"I would like to be reinstated into ANBU Black Ops." The words were distant and decisive.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, finally giving the jounin a good look. The man looked positively defeated. "Reinstatement requires a psych evaluation." Her tone gave the impression that she expected to have changed the man's mind.

"Then call Ibiki-san." His voice remained distant, almost mechanical. This was what he needed. A distraction. ANBU missions were harsh and frequent. He'd hardly have time to breathe between tasks let alone think about how much this all hurt. Mission mode was good, emotions were forgotten, and he was left a tool, a machine expertly designed for killing. He could do that. Killing sounded good right then.

"Hatake-brat, sit down." Kakashi did as instructed. "What's wrong with you. There's no way you'd pass a psych evaluation right now. In fact, if I were to have you take one, I'd bet good money on you being banned from missions at all for at least three months." Kakashi kept the comment about how her betting on it would inevitably be mean that the opposite would happen to himself. "You look like shit."

Kakashi looked up at her finally. There was a long moment in which he didn't say anything. Tsunade noted silently that there was a wet stream coming from under his hitai-ate, staining his mask with moisture. "Nothing is wrong. I wish to be reinstated. As soon as possible. Are there any missions available at the moment?"

"None that I'm willing to send you on, while you're in the condition. Care to tell me why you're crying?" Her voice was strong, and she wasn't really asking, she was telling him that he was crying and hadn't noticed. He ignored that.

"I'm not." He said simply. His tone remained distant and bored. He didn't feel anything. He was not hurting anymore. He refused to. He was fine. Tools don't have emotions.

"Care to take off you hitai-ate and prove it?" Her voice was gentle now, almost worried, while before it had been concerned and mildly amused. She was starting to get the impression that this was more serious than she had expected.

"I'm not crying. Obito is crying." Obito was the one with emotions. Not him. He felt nothing. It didn't hurt.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair and studied him closely for a long moment. "Look, I don't know what's wrong with you, or why you seem to be so willing to run away from it, but I'm not sending you on anymore missions until you get it taken care of. Which means you will have to pass a psych evaluation with Ibiki-san. You are one of our strongest; I can't afford to lose you over something you don't want to deal with. You're taking a mandatory leave of at least a week. If you feel ready after that, let me know, but you are not to leave the village until you pass the psych evaluation are we clear?"

Kakashi was angry now. He told himself he wasn't, that he felt nothing, but he knew he had lost. He didn't even have the energy to argue. He just nodded, stood, and walked out slowly. Why did it have to hurt so much?

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Iruka had class in the morning. For the first time in all of his years as a teacher he was late. He had woken up curled on the couch, and his eyes were wet from the tears he had cried in his sleep. He barely had the energy to get up and get ready. Walking to class seemed to take hours, and when he got there, the room was in disarray. He had been late, and the children were running amuck, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He just wanted to get this all over with, so he could go home and curl back up, and forget himself again. He didn't even bother yelling, he didn't have the energy to. He just apologized for being late politely asked his students to return to their seats so class could begin. The kids had been frightened of the beloved sensei for the past few days, but now they were just flat out worried. The crept to their seats and sat quietly, for most part. Every once in awhile Iruka would hear the sound of voices whispering, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with him. He didn't bother yelling at them to pay attention. It would have been too much effort.

The day seemed to last forever. Hours felt like days, and by the time school was over, Iruka felt as if he had lost a decade of his life. He collapsed onto his chair, his elbows on his desks, and his face in his hands. He was not crying, not yet. He had to get home first. Home where it was safe to completely lose himself, and just cry until he was void of anything. He moved slowly, putting papers into their proper folders and folders into his bag. The whole event should have only taken seconds, but it ended up taking what felt like at least an hour. He stood slowly trying to find the energy to walk home, when he noticed something. He desperately wanted to be wrong, he hoped to be wrong, he couldn't handle this right now. He turned slowly to face the window, only to see Kakashi perched there, looking just about as tired and defeated as he felt.

"What do you want?" Iruka ended up sounding exhausted and beat rather than angry like he had intended, but he couldn't find the energy to care. He just wanted to go home and enter into a coma. Maybe he'd never wake up, that'd be nice.

"Iruka... I… I'm sorry…" Kakashi's voice cracked slightly, but he ignored it. "I didn't mean to… I'm sorry if I hurt you, but it was… I don't know." He couldn't find the words he was looking for, so he decided to just be honest, and tell the man how he felt. Surely rejection couldn't feel any worse than this. Surely nothing was worse than what he was already feeling. "I love you too, and I'm sorry I left, I just didn't know what else to do, but this hurts so much. The thought of losing you hurts so much… and I can't…" He took a deep breath, feeling his chest constrict as he spoke the words aloud. "Everything hurts, and I just…" I need you… He finished in his head. He couldn't bring himself to speak anymore. He had stayed up all night thinking about how to make the pain subside, and this was what he kept coming back to. He had to tell Iruka. He had to make it better, and now he'd finally told the man everything he'd been so afraid to say for such a long time.

The chuunin froze. He had no idea what to do, just last night the man had run away terrified of the prospect that Iruka felt that way about him, and now Kakashi was standing in his classroom telling him that he felt the same way. It was all too confusing, but couldn't ignore the pure joy he felt at having heard Kakashi say it. He didn't have the energy to consider where the sudden change had come from, he'd deal with that later, right now he just wanted to know that it was true. He just wanted the loneliness go away. He took a small step toward the jounin. "A-are you serious?" He asked slowly.

Kakashi nodded, still unable to find his voice. He closed the distance between them in two long strides. There was an awkward moment where they just stood there unsure what else to do before Iruka reached up, and grabbed the jounin's mask, pulling it down slowly.

"I swear to kami-sama if you are lying to me…" Iruka's voice was soft, and uncertain. Kakashi silenced him, gently placing a finger on the chuunin's lips.

"Shh. I'm not lying." He whispered, wrapping his arms around the younger man. Iruka buried his face in the jounin's chest and sighed heavily. He didn't care about all the unanswered questions, he didn't care about what had happened between them. Kakashi was there now, and he wasn't alone. He was loved.


A/N: One of these days I'm going to write a fic that's not so friggin' angsty… Anyway, I think this shall be over soon, ne? One more chapter?