Okaaaay, bringing the funny back. I had a few reviewers that wanted to know where the funny went. Sorry for the long-time-no-update. My friend was, literally, on the verge of suicide. **In all seriousness: If you have thoughts of killing yourself, talk to someone! If you have no one that you could tell, my inbox is always open. If you think that no one will care if you're gone, you're wrong!!
All things in bold in chapter (Besides A/N) were thought of by my buddy Nate. If you call him Nate Dawg, you can get anything out of him…such a little white boy. I dedicate this chappie to him. And if your skinny ass is reading this, Nathan, don't EVER say you don't have a big head, again. You could see it from space.
"But I hate birthdays! Especially mine!" I yelled at Alice. It was my birthday. Alice and Rose had gone to visit their parents all last week in LA, even though I missed the little pixie she was jumping on Ness and I at five in the fucking morning! It's really confusing because Em and I were born fifteen minutes apart. I was born at five to twelve at night; he was born at one ten in the morning. Therefore, making us one of the rarest sets of twins in the world, born on different days. My birthday is October third and Em's is the fourth.
"Yeah, Alice. Go back to sleep. I need sleep. Too tired to deal with your chipper ass!" Ness groaned from beside me and put her head under the pillow.
"Bella, don't make me send Emmett over! You know well enough that I will!" She screeched. I lunged for my cell phone and texted Edward quickly.
Distract and restrain Em at all costs!!! x Bellah
Why?—E
Alice is on the birthday rampage!—B
Got it.—E
"Go away, Alice!" I yelled. Rosalie appeared at the doorway, rubbing her eyes groggily.
"SHUT UP!" Everyone's heads snapped up at the source of the noise. She yawned and walked back into her room, slamming the door.
"Fine. But I'm coming back…with Emmett." She laughed maniacally and skipped out the door. I chuckled and rested my head on the pillow.
Two hours later, two, extremely hyper, over caffeinated, bright-eyed and fucking bushy-tailed, people dove on top of Ness and I.
"AHHHHH!!!" I screamed as Emmett started tickling me.
"Okay, okay, I'm up!" I said, crawling out of my warm fluffy bed.
"Presents!" Alice squealed. Ness groaned and rolled out of her side of the bed.
"Why!?"
"Because we love you, that's why." Rosalie had now entered the room.
"Okay, where's Edward?" I asked.
"Oh, he's just picking up the present that dad and I chipped in for." Emmett smiled goofily.
"You guys didn't have to get me anything!" I insisted. The present that I got Em just got here yesterday, a St. Louis Cardinal's jersey, signed by the whole team and some tickets for us and dad. Our old babysitter is married to one of the players. She loved me and Em. She's only about ten years older that us, so I called in a favor.
"Well, we don't care. Now, you're coming to breakfast with us." Jasper said, his tone teasing.
"Fine, but leave us alone to get dressed!" Ness yelled.
"See you in a little bit!" Alice sang, grabbing Jasper's hand and bouncing out of the room with Jasper loping along behind her.
"I'll come and get you when we're ready." Emmett said as he and Rosalie walked out of the room.
"Okay, c'mon, Ness. Might as well get ready. I'm gonna take a shower. You coming?" I asked as I dug around in my dresser for clothes.
"Yeah, just give me a minute to grab my stuff." She responded. I pulled out a midnight blue, bra and panty set, ripped blue jeans and my Forks High football jersey of Emmett's. I grabbed the small drawstring bag that contained things that I desperately had to have: toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, hair elastics, body wash, tamps, shaving cream and razors.
We walked down to the showers. Only one shower out of the ten was being occupied. Ness and I picked the two cleanest; they were next to each other.
I turned the spray to almost scalding. Groaning at the thought of presents, I grabbed my 99 cent, Suave, strawberry scented shampoo and lathered a palm full into my long hair. Once, Alice took me to a salon to get my ends trimmed. The hairdresser asked me what shampoo I used to keep my hair so silky. I answered honestly and I think she swallowed the gum she was chomping because she started coughing like a fifty year old chain smoker.
My clothes were lying outside of the curtain in the dressing part of the shower. I changed quickly changed into them.
"Psst!" Ness?
"Ness?" I whispered.
"Bells, do you have a tamp!?" She whispered rapidly.
"Yeah, here." I tossed her one over the separator.
"Thanks, Bells, you're a lifesaver." She said. I walked over to the mirror and started to comb through the mop of hair on top of my head.
The other girl that was in the shower just walked out.
"Oh, hello Bella." I heard and nasally voice say. "I'm so sorry about what happened with that James boy a few weeks ago." Tanya's voice held absolutely no sympathy whatsoever.
"Right now I'm sitting here looking at you trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass." I said, not looking away from my reflection.
"Oh, come on, Bella, everyone knows that you've screwed almost every guy in school." She said snarkily. I have not! I'm still a fucking virgin!
"Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies." I said calmly.
"You know, the person who told you to be yourself, gave you the worst advice of their lives." Tanya said.
"If your mother and father got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?" I asked thoughtfully.
"At least I have a mother." She looked really triumphant about that low blow but, I wouldn't let her get to me.
"I really couldn't have had a better life, even if Renee didn't walk out on us. Now, if I throw a stick, will you go away?" I said. She huffed, realizing that she wouldn't be able to fuck with me, and walked away.
"Hey, Bells. You okay?" Ness said as she came out of her stall.
"Yeah. I feel great! Now I'm hungry. Lez Eat." I giggled, grabbing my bag and we linked arms and walked back to our suite.
I grabbed my messenger bag and Emmett's present. Because, hell, if he's going to give me my present, I'm giving him his, we're twins, right?
"What's that?" Renesmee asked, pointing to the small, flat, brown cardboard box I had in my hand as I locked the door to our suite.
"Em's birthday present." I said with a shrug.
"Isn't his birthday tomorrow?"
"Yea, but, dad, Em and I always celebrated both of them on my birthday."
"What'd you get him?" She asked.
"A St. Louis Cardinal's jersey, signed by the whole team and tickets!" I said excitedly.
"Dude that must've cost a fortune!"
"Only for thirty bucks for the jersey." I said.
"But what about the tickets and autographs?"
"Our old babysitter, Janna, is now married to one of the players, I called in a little favor and she got the jersey signed and the free tickets. They're right behind home plate!"
I knocked on the guys' door. Alice opened it and almost dragged me through the door.
"Yo, Em! I got your present!" I yelled. He ran in and yanked the box from my hands.
"What is it Bells?" Rose asked from beside Em.
"Come on, we'll open our presents at the same time." Emmett said, walking into the living room where everyone sat.
Edward gave me a huge, skinny, flat box along with a shorter, bigger box.
"Hey, handsome." I said as he hugged me.
"Happy birthday, beautiful." He whispered in my ear.
"Open the big one first. On three. One…two…three…" I ripped open the box and dug through the foam peanuts.
"OH. MY. GOD!!!" I screamed as I looked at the gleaming guitar. It looked custom; it was red with black and white designs on it. Little white hummingbirds were flying across the red.
"Em! Thank you so much! This is so much better than the old acoustic sitting in the corner of my room! I'm gonna go call dad and thank him!" I squealed, flinging myself at him.
"You're welcome, Bells. You needed a new one. You've had my old acoustic refinished three times in its thirty year old life. We were afraid it was going to fall apart!" A voice chuckled from behind me.
"Daddy!" Em and I both squealed like small children and launched ourselves at him.
"Okay, okay. Happy birthday. Let me sit down before you tackle me. You guys aren't as small you used to be. Emmett." He added quickly, making me giggle and Emmett pout.
"Did you open yours, Em?" I asked, looking at the unopened box. He grinned and shook his head.
"Nope, I wanted to see your face when you got the guitar."
"Okay, now open yours!" I yelled anxiously.
"HOLY SHIT! Where'd you get this Bella?" He yelled.
"Three words. Called. In. Favor." I said.
"How?"
"Dude, you honestly don't ever remember anything, do you?" I said. He still looked confused.
"Janna." That was all it took to jog his memory.
"Okay, thank you Bella, open the other one." He nodded toward the other box.
I opened it to find anything I would need for this guitar. Case, battery amp, cleaner, stand, tuner. And, I don't know how they managed to find them, a Johnny Depp strap and a pack of picks. I have a slight fascination with Johnny Depp. I just sat there, dumbfounded.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I squealed, hugging dad.
"Okay. Open mine next!" Alice all but screamed. She handed me a small box, like a shirt box. I opened it and found out what the theme of what my birthday would be.
She had, probably, six pairs of socks in there. All of them were Pirates of the Caribbean. But, at the bottom there was a 4"x6" photo in there. It was a picture from his movie Chocolat. But that wasn't the biggest part of it, it said in silver Sharpie ink, 'Happy birthday, Bella. Alice and Rose have told me so much about you. Love, Johnny.'
"You know Johnny Depp!?" I shrieked. She nodded, before I tackled her.
"How?" I gasped.
"My dad is a movie producer. Johnny is one of his most consistent clients. He was at the house for a few days." She shrugged like it was no big deal.
"My present isn't anything Johnny Depp, but I think you'll love it." Rose said as she gave me a small bag. I mean, really small. Like three inches tall, two inches wide.
I reached into the bag and pulled out something small and metal. A key!
"C'mon, Bells. I'll show you." She motioned for me to follow her out into the student parking lot. There sat a candy apple red, classic looking, Camaro. It had black racing stripes stretching from the hood to the trunk of the car.
"Rose, no I can't accept this. It's way too much." I said. She shook her head.
"Bella, the most expensive piece of this car are the hubcaps. I got this car off some guy for like one-fifty. It was really crappy and junky. But, dad and I used to take apart cars and put them back together again for the fun of it, so I added some new parts to it and fixed it up again." I started to object but she interrupted me.
"Don't start with the 'It's too much,' shit because you'd be doing me a favor taking it off my hands. My dad said I couldn't get a new one until I got rid of the old one. And, have you seen your truck?"
I hugged her and opened the door to my new car. "Holy shit. I love this car. Thank you so much, Rosalie." I said quietly.
"Okay, Bells, let's go open the rest of the presents. Eddie, Jasper and Nay-Nay still have to give you theirs." Alice clapped her tiny hands as Edward and Renesmee growled. They hated having really stupid nicknames. Alice nearly dragged me back into the suite and shoved me into the huge recliner.
"Okay, Bella, mine's not Johnny Depp, either. Alice didn't give me the memo." Ness said, handing me a cube-shaped box
I opened it and saw a hand-painted helmet. It was black with intricate, silver designs on it.
"Ness, it's awesome. Did you do that?" I asked. She nodded her head, her bronze curls bouncing on her shoulders lightly.
"Thanks, I've needed a new one. My old one has hit the ground so much, it is worn and cracked." I hugged her.
"Here, Bells, I found it and it just screamed you." Jasper said as he handed me a little square box. I lifted the lid and saw a white leather bracelet with a black peace sign on it in beads. He was right, it was me.
"Thank you so much. I love it, Dollface." I said as I hugged him and kissed his cheek. Em, Edward and Jasper laughed at Jasper's nickname. Dad and the girls looked at us curiously.
"On the day they got here, Ness, Edward and Jasper, I came over to talk to Em and didn't know that Jasper and Edward were his new roommates. Jasper and Em were playing a videogame when I got there. I walked over and plopped in Jasper's lap and called him 'Dollface' and then he questioned my sanity." I said.
"Okay, Eddie, hurry up. I'm getting' hungry over here." Ness said.
"My present isn't a material object. You have to be ready to be picked up by nine-thirty." He said as all of us stood.
Once outside the door, I was tackled by four screaming guys and one calm voice that said, "Hey Bella."
"Jake, remove your knee from my kidney, please." I groaned. Billy wheeled over to where the guys made a human pileup and pulled me out. I hugged him and kissed his cheek.
"Hey, Uncle Billy. Haven't seen you in a while." I laughed. He and Charlie have been friends since before Jake and I were born. I'd just never met Jake until about five or six years ago. I've been calling him Uncle Billy since I could talk. (A/N: I have two aunts and an uncle that way, really good friends of my mom)
"Hey, Uncle Billy, we're just about to grab some grub. You guys wanna come?" Emmett asked. The guys said yes and we were all walking towards Billy's truck. Six people could ride in the cab, six in the bed, seven if no one stretched out. The bed has a cap so no one could be seen.
Edward, Quil, Jake, Ness, Embry, dad and I sat in the bed of the truck and talked to the guys in the cab through the small window in the rear windshield.
We pulled up outside of one of the most made fun of places to get breakfast in history. Denny's! I jumped out of the bed and Alice ran up and jumped on my back. I piggybacked her into the restaurant. The hostess looked at us weirdly and seated all thirteen of us.
We had an enjoyable breakfast, filled with laughs and embarrass-the-hell-out-of-Bella stories. Jake was currently on the story of how I managed to trip and fall on this really nasty, perv, guy. My lips had miraculously managed to align with his.
"Not funny! He nearly shoved his tongue down my throat!" I screeched.
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&
I was sitting in Edward's Volvo, heading to God knows where. We pulled up outside of a bar. I was really curious about what we were going to be doing. He helped me out of the car and reached into the backseat, pulling something out. He made me turn around so I couldn't see what it was.
We sat at a table when a deep voice over a loud speaker said, "I now announce Bella Swan." I glared at Edward. Open fucking Mic Night. He handed me my new guitar. I took it and timidly stepped onstage.
"Um, okay, well I didn't really know that I was going to be performing tonight. I guess I'll do my favorite song that my dad taught me when I was younger."
She's
got a smile that it seems to me Oh, sweet child o' mine She's
got eyes of the bluest skies Oh,
sweet child o' mine Oh, sweet child
o' mine Where do we go Where do we
go Where do we go Where do
we go
Reminds me of childhood
memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now
and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special
place
And if I stared too long
I'd probably break down and
cry
Oh, sweet love of mine
As if they thought of rain
I hate
to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair
reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And
pray for the thunder and the rain
To quietly pass me by
Oh, sweet love of mine
Oh, sweet love of mine
Oh, sweet child o' mine
Oh,
sweet love of mine
Where do we go now
Where
do we go
Where do we go
Where do we go now
Sweet child
Where do we go now
Where
do we go now
Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go now
Sweet child
Sweet child o' mine
I got a standing 'o' and went back to sit back down beside Edward. He smiled at me.
"You did great, love."
We left and were currently standing out in front of my suite.
"Thanks, I had a great time." I smiled.
"Me, too." He said. I turned to go into my suite, but he grabbed my arm.
"Bella, I need to tell you this now, before I lose my chance. I-I think…I'm falling in love with you." He stuttered out.
$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$
A/N: From this point on is a story I wrote for a writing competition with my middle school. I think it deserves a prize but didn't win shit. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY FANFICS OR TWILIGHT IN ANY WAY!!!
"Autumn Air"
I stepped out into the brisk night air. The smell of burning leaves off in the distance surrounds me. I was so deep in thought; I almost didn't notice the sound of the dead foliage crunching beneath my feet.
The owls 'hoo-ed' and the crickets chirped as I walked along that old, worn down, country road. That road has always held a sense of safety to me, like an old baby's blanket. Ever since my grandfather walked this road with me, many a time.
I can almost feel the rough, yet gentle feeling of his hand as he held mine in his. The hands that could pull out rusty bolts with a quick turn of a wrench, but the same hands that held me as a baby or brushed me off when I fell.
I stopped and took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears that threatened to break free.
The owls and crickets continued their song of night, but it was still so quiet. I could almost hear his quiet voice, telling me it would be alright the day my dog died. I know that doesn't sound like a good reason to be upset but, looking back to when I was a little girl; it was one of the worst things that could ever happen to me.
I walked along slowly and quietly until I came upon the gate we used to sit on and eat the packed lunch grandma made. The small apple tree sat beside it, keeping in a comfortable shade. I remember sitting there for hours.
Looking back on it as a grown woman, I realize how much I miss him.
All it takes is a walk in the warm, autumn air, down an old, worn country road to remember all things dear to me.
Please read and review! I want to break 100!!!!!
