Dedicated to Georges ear. RIP Fred, Hedwig, Tonks, Lupin, Dobby, Mad-Eye, Cedric and all of you other people. I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU TACOS! (tear)
ME and MY Oboe!
AKA: The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself Harry Potter Soap Opera.
Last time: Rita's article gets published, Cho thinks Hermione is working her 'love potion mojo' on Cedric and the other boys at Hogwarts, Hermione out's Harry and Cedric as a couple, this pissed them off. The monks make lists, and Voldemort plays Tetris…
Episode #9: Douchebaggery Is Afoot!
(London)
"Dear Stupid Magic Man," Vernon Dursley murmured to himself as he penned the words 'Headmaster Dumbledore' on a piece of stationary. Despite everything he stood for, Vernon was forced to admit that he hadn't used everything in his arsenal. If he didn't do something soon, his son was going to lose an arm to a disease he'd never heard of.
At dinner the night before, when Petunia had suggested writing a letter to the headmaster of their nephew's school, he'd laughed the idea off as preposterous. Why on earth would they need to explain their actions to anyone in THAT world?
However, once she'd explained her theory that after raising their 'Boy-Who-Lived', the Wizarding world should be more than happy to assist them, Vernon had declared the idea down right absurd. Petunia had gone silent after that, sulking perhaps, possibly mulling recent events over in her head, probably fuming over his lack of interest in her suggestion.
That same absurd suggestion had kept Vernon up all night, and by 10am the next day he'd decided that it just might work. The only problem being how to word the letter so that it wasn't blackmail, and so that they could get maximum pity from the freaks.
It was this series of events that led to Vernon Dursley being in his home office writing a letter to a man who he'd otherwise have nothing to do with. He just hoped that his influence in his nephew's upbringing would be enough to ensure magical assistance. This was, of course, a last ditch effort.
Disclaimer: Blah blah you've heard it all before. I own nothing. Blah blahblah blah bibbity blah.
A/N: Review review REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!! ...please? I really like this story, and reading your reviews makes the whole experience even more rewarding for me.
(4th year Gryffindor Boy's – A week after 'The Orgy Article')
"Hermione told me to tell you she's sorry," Ron said, walking into the dorm, "again."
"I told her I'd forgiven her," Harry said dryly from his bed. Over the past week he and Cedric had enjoyed being able to be seen with each other in public. Now that they were out, they were able to hold hands in the corridor, and perform the same displays of affections as any other couple with out fear. After the first few days, in which there'd been several awkward silences and angry outbursts, Harry had realized that Hermione had actually done them a favor. "Everyone was going to find out eventually."
"She just doesn't understand how you can forgive her that easily," replied Ron. Harry groaned and slung his arm across his eyes. They'd had this conversation before. "I know I wouldn't. I'd be mad and milking her guilt for all it was worth."
"Glad I'm not you, Ron," muttered Harry, accidentally saying exactly what he'd been thinking.
If it had been anyone else who'd said it, Ron would have yelled. However, he sort of agreed with his friend on this one. He probably would have said something else, but Neville Longbottem walked in.
"Neville, why are potatoes growing out of your pants?" Harry asked, stretching as he sat up.
"Malfoy hexed me again," the boy sighed, pulling out a potato that had lodged itself in a very uncomfortable place.
"You should tell someone," said Ron, "that's the third time this week that you've come back to the dorm with vegetables coming out of your pants." There was a large pile of carrots, and another pile of radishes in the corner to prove this.
"Roots." Mumbled Neville.
"What?"
"Carrots, radishes, and potatoes are considered roots," Neville explained, "and Malfoy got a detention. Harry's boyfriend was walking by when it happened. Cedric saw the whole thing, declared it 'douchebaggery', and slapped him with a three hour detention."
"Can he do that?" Ron asked, "I mean, awesome abuse of authority, I didn't know he had it in him."
"Apparently he can," laughed Neville, stumbling as three potatoes fell out of his pants and rolled out on to the floor, "McGonnigal, Sprout and Flitwick all signed off on it!"
"Sweet!"
The door opened as Hermione entered the room.
"I hope everybody's decent," she said before she was even past the doorway. "Harry, your owl brought this letter to me by mistake." She handed Harry a blue envelope with his name on it, and surveyed the rest of the room. "Neville, are you aware that potatoes are growing out of your pants?"
"Thanks Hermione," Harry said, opening his letter.
"Got hexed," Neville responded to the question she had directed at him.
"What's that?" Ron wanted to know, plopping down next to Harry so that he could read the letter over his friend's shoulder. "Sweet! You get to learn about the third task tonight!"
Immediately, Neville popped out another potato, and Hermione rushed over to read the note too.
"You have to tell us everything!" She said right after she finished reading.
"Absolutely." Harry agreed.
Ron, confused by the friendly interaction of his gay best friend and the girl who had recently outed him to the entire school, looked on in amazement.
(Monk's Guidance office.)
"…and how does that make you feel?" Monk 2 asked the terrified first year who sat on the beanbag chair across from the desk.
"Um…not good?" stammered Lisa Jinkinson, a first year Gryffindor student whose parents made their living as birthday party clowns.
"That must be interesting," Monk 3 commented, gulping down a swig of his coffee.
"Not really," sighed Lisa, "I don't like clowns; they kind of scare me a little."
"Hmm," said the Head Monk, "do you think perhaps that your clown issue could have deeper roots? What I want you to do is, when you get back to your dorm, write a letter to your parents and tell them exactly what you just said. Can you do that for me Lisa?"
The girl nodded.
"Excellent. I believe we've made some real progress. See you in a few weeks…whose next?"
"We need Mike Lebrowsterski, sir," said Monk 1, flipping through a list, "and then Natalie McDonald."
"Excellent, perhaps we can council all of the Gryffindor first years today!" Monk 2 exclaimed, he was already eyeing the list of Hufflepuff first years.
"Perhaps," agreed the Head Monk as he reflected on all of the childhood traumas he'd already heard, "perhaps."
(Potions with the Fifth year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs).
Even though she was reasonably sure nobody was looking at her, Cho Chang felt unexplainably exposed. Quickly, she ducked her head beneath the lab table she shared with six other students to ensure that she had remembered to put on pants.
"Stupid, ignorant do-nothings." The voice was loud, and clearly annoyed, but totally implacable. Snape had instructed his class to be silent and read chapters six through eight in the text book; and as far as Cho could tell, nobody was talking. "How does that arrogant buffoon do it all day?"
"OMG, Larry is so cute! I wonder if he likes me."
"I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I forgot that the charms essay was due today!"
In fact, for a class that should have been reading silently, it seemed as if everyone was speaking at once. As she attempted to read the text in front of her, Cho had to squint because of the growing headache.
Looking around, she noticed that nobody seemed to be speaking.
"What the hell?" she mumbled to herself.
"How hard is it to sit quietly and read? Everyone else is doing it." That sounded like Professor Snape.
"Sorry Professor," Cho muttered, "headache."
"Shhh!" shushed the various students seated around her.
"Stupid!"
"Idiot!"
"Nuts!"
"She's kinda hot!"
"Ms. Chang, is there a problem?" suddenly the long, greasy nose of the potions master and his obviously moving lips came into view.
"Glad it's not me."
"Ew!"
"She's in trouble now."
"Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
"I'm speaking to you," Snape said impatiently.
Cho's vision began to blur as she struggled to concentrate on who was actually speaking to her rather than the other voices in her head. Voices that appeared to be coming from her classmates…whose mouths WERE NOT moving.
"Well damn," Cho muttered to herself, "I'm either insane, or I'm a psychic mind reader." Of course, then she passed out and needed to be taken to the hospital wing.
(Random Closet)
"Malfoy, why did you pull me into a closet?" Ginny demanded, attempting to sound annoyed, but barely managing to control her laughter.
The blond glanced to his left, obviously trying to come up with an answer. Failing to learn anything from the crate of Mrs. Bertha's Sanitary Napkins on the shelf he was looking at, he shrugged helplessly.
"Uh-huh."
Ever since the incident in the secret passageway, Ginny had been highly suspicious of everything her boyfriend said or did. She wasn't quite ready to end the relationship, but she'd convinced herself that she'd do it if he gave her another good reason.
"I was wondering if we could hang out later," the boy said nervously, looking at his shoes. He didn't know what it was about this woman, but she made him feel things he'd never felt before. Made him do things he couldn't explain. "Maybe go down to the kitchen for some late night snackage? There will be tons of House-Elves present, perhaps we can assist Granger in her quest to convince them to unionize."
"Sure," Ginny replied, reaching for the door knob, "are we done?"
"Yeah," Draco said quickly, hoping that as they got back together and he managed to prove that he wouldn't hurt her again that the tension would ease between them. "See ya."
"Yup," the girl sighed, emphasizing her departure with an offhanded wave.
After Ginny left the closet, Draco wilted against the door and began slamming his head repeatedly against it.
"Psst! Blondie, stop with the head banging and look up!" Demanded a voice from the air slightly above his head.
Having nothing else to do, Draco did look up. He was surprisingly unsurprised to see that the voice had come from a green fairly.
"What the crap?"
"Howdy! I'm Roger. I think you will be an excellent addition to my staff."
"Er, I think I'll pass." Draco told the green fairly. Now that he thought about it, he was fairly sure that Roger hadn't been in the closet when he and Ginny had first entered.
"Oh come on, you got anything better to do?"
"Well no, not really."
"Excellent."
(Couple hours later: Entrance Hall)
As Harry headed to the door on his way to the Champion Meeting where he and the others would learn about the third task, he wondered vaguely why he wasn't wondering what the third task would entail. He supposed that it could have something to do with the fact he was on his way to a meeting where he would learn just that, but he didn't really feel the need to care that much.
"Hey Harry, wait up!" Striding toward him at top speed was his boyfriend, Cedric Diggory, followed closely by somebody in a gorilla suit.
"Hey Cedric," said Harry, not sure whether to laugh or be afraid, "Why is a gorilla following you?"
"Its just Steve," snorted Cedric, "he's stalking me."
"Huh. And the gorilla suit?"
"Well," Cedric said with a mischievous smirk that few people had ever seen, "Professor Sprout has ordered him to keep tabs on me and make sure that I don't abuse my power as a prefect." Then he lowered his voice and continued, "He doesn't think I've figured it out yet."
"He's not exactly the most subtle bloke around," commented Harry.
"Yeah well, try telling him that." Cedric laughed, "So what do you think the third task will be?"
"Eh," Harry shrugged, "probably just something impossibly hard and dangerous."
"Yeah, I'm sure you're right. No big deal," Cedric replied as they reached the Quidditch field and all traces of laughter left his face. "What have they done to it?"
Harry was speechless, and Steve made a sound like a wounded animal.
Before them stood their beloved Quidditch field. Only, rather than the field they were used to, the field before them was covered with what could only be described as hedges.
"What do you think boys?" demanded Ludo Bagman, who was standing in the center of the hedge-maze with the other two champions. "Well come on! Get over here so we can start the meeting!"
(After the meeting)
"So I just have to learn a bunch of complicated spells to keep me alive during this maze," commented Harry as he and Cedric headed back up to the castle.
"Yup," Cedric agreed, looking a little dazed, "easy."
Harry felt a tap on his shoulder. Expecting to find Bagman and more offers to assist him in cheating the tournament, he was a little surprised to find Victor Krum looking sort of nervous.
"Hey."
"Harry, can I speak to you for a moment?" Krum inquired, "Diggory can stay, I understand that the two of you are close."
"I appreciate the consideration," Cedric said dryly, "what do you need, Krum?"
"Er," it was obvious that Krum would rather not be having this conversation, "Could we walk over there? I don't want to be overheard."
"There's no one out here but us," Harry said, remembering something he'd read in a recent letter from Sirius, he was not eager to go anywhere with the Bulgarian.
Krum, looking a tad bit put out, stuck his hands in his pockets and glanced around, "What about the boy in the gorilla suit?"
Steve had been standing at the edge of the Quidditch field throughout the meeting, and was still behind them now.
"Don't worry about him," Harry told Krum, "what did you want to say to me?"
"Alright, what is there between you and Hermy-own-ninny? She speaks of you all the time, and those articles in the paper…"
This was the last thing Harry had expected to hear. Victor Krum was at least three years older than him and at least a foot taller. He was an international Quidditch star and the idol of millions. It simply boggled Harry's mind that this extremely successful individual would feel that his relationship was threatened by a guy like him.
Also, despite the fact that the three champions were quite alone out on the grounds that night, they had managed to wander over to the edge of the forest.
"We're friends," Harry told Krum, "Hermione is like a sister to me." Victor looked as though he hardly dared to believe it.
"So that Skeeter woman's articles?"
"Total rubbish," Harry assured the Bulgarian Seeker.
"So you're saying…"
"Here's the thing Victor," Cedric interrupted impatiently, he was rather eager to get away from the forest as well as the creatures that lurked inside, "Harry and I? We're sort of a thing."
Now Krum looked even more confused. Rolling his eyes, Cedric took his boyfriend firmly by the shoulders and planted a big sloppy kiss right on him.
"Oh!" Krum exclaimed, finally understanding, "that sort of thing!"
"I'm definitely NOT out to get your girl." Harry concluded.
As a look of relief settled on to the face of Victor Krum, there was a movement in the bushes nearby. Harry noticed but thought nothing of it, Cedric looked ready to piss himself, and Krum missed it entirely.
That's when a figure emerged from the forest and revealed itself to be none other than Barty Crouch, the missing tournament judge.
"Shit!" exclaimed Cedric; probably wetting himself when he leapt completely startled into the air.
"Wasn't he one of your judges?" Krum asked dumbly.
Crouch proceeded to latch his fingers into Harry's robes, put the boy in a head lock, claim to have made a mistake, met Voldemort, and that he needed to see Dumbledore.
While Crouch began a chant that went something along the lines of, 'Dumbledore. I need to see Dumbledore. Take me to see Dumbledore,' Harry made eye contact with the two older wizards who were just standing there doing nothing productive, and indicated that he could use some help. Apparently Krum thought they were playing Charades.
"Two words?" he asked, concentrating intently, "First word? Banjo? Duck? Banana Hammock?" Harry looked helplessly at Cedric, who now had a large wet splotch down the left leg of his trousers. "Pancakes?" Krum continued to guess.
"Hey!" Crouch demanded, his eyes bloodshot and insane-like as he maintained his choke-hold on Harry, "what part of 'You-Know-Who is back, I need to see Dumbledore' do you idiots not get? What in the name of Merlin's Blue Silk Shorts are they teaching you up at that school?"
"Stupefy!" the stunner came out of nowhere, but its purpose was clear. Though everyone had forgotten about the-boy-in-the-gorilla-suit, he had in fact stayed put. Now he was striding purposefully toward the small group gathered at the edge of the forest.
"Damn!" Cedric said, suddenly remembering something that would have diffused the situation had he not freaked out when it got serious, "I'm a bloody wizard! How the hell did I forget that?"
"Don't be too hard on yourself, man," Krum sympathized, "Charades? What the crap was I thinking?"
"Er guys," said Steve (though he still thought he was disguised in his gorilla outfit), glancing anxiously at the now still form of Mr. Crouch, "you can discuss your inadequacies under pressure later. Right now we need to figure out what to do about that guy."
"I could float him up to your headmaster's office," Krum offered.
(Dumbledore's Office)
That's how the three Triwizard champions, an unconscious floating man, and a boy in a gorilla suit ended up at the entrance to Albus Dumbledore's office. Cedric rubbed the belly of the gargoyle on the left, and the doors opened.
Dumbledore, who had seen the group crossing the grounds, was there to meet them. Harry quickly launched into an explanation.
"We found him down by the forest, I think he's mad. He was talking about his son, Voldemort, and how he needed to see you. He was trying to choke me, so that guy in the gorilla suit stunned him."
Taking in everything from Krum's blush to Cedric's wet pants, Dumbledore nodded. This explanation would be acceptable.
"You boys have had a terrible ordeal. Why don't you all go to bed?" From anyone else, it would have been a question, but Dumbledore managed to make it a command that the boys had no choice but to follow.
(Hospital Wing)
Of course they didn't. After saying goodnight to Krum, Harry and Cedric went to the Hospital Wing to visit their child.
As usual, Jarbaby was happy to see them. He waved his tiny limbs excitedly as his parents made their way over to the desk Madame Pomphrey had placed him on.
"Good evening fathers!"
"How was your day?" Harry asked, plopping down in a chair.
"Very exciting," Jarbaby explained, his tiny purple face brightening, "The Madame cleaned my jar! I think she used some sort of muggle cleaner, perhaps Windex! It's almost magical, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I could reach out and touch you guys! Absolutely amazing! Enough about me though, it's you guys who have the real story to tell! Who was that man? The one that Uncle Steve stunned?"
Harry and Cedric exchanged a look. Cedric hadn't yet told Harry about Jarbaby's gift.
"Did you tell him?" Harry asked.
"No," Jarbaby chuckled in amusement, "I believe I SAW the event take place this morning. It was I who suggested the gorilla suit; I know Uncle Steve would actually do it."
"He's a seer," Cedric confirmed miserably. Not because the news he was delaying depressed him, but because he had kept it to himself for so long.
"I asked him not to tell you until I was ready," explained Jarbaby, "something bad might have occurred if he had."
So the two wizards and their son continued their discussion for another half hour, until Pomphrey threw them out.
(Somewhere: Hogwarts)
Fred Weasley read the not again for the fifteenth time since he'd received it, but it still made now sense. The owl had gotten it to George during lunch.
'Meet me in the chamber of Horrors at 10pm. No exceptions, no questions. JUST BE THERE. –Roger.'
They hadn't yet accomplished his last set of orders, so why would he want to see them? Possibly to punish them for not accomplishing the order? Was it plausible that the twins were going to be the next victims of the Chamber of Horrors?
Eh, probably not.
Fred looked over the note one last time before pocketing it and skipping off to find George.
(Hospital parking lot- London)
Vernon Dursley had just stepped outside for a smoke. It had been a long, brutal day; the doctors had informed him that every second they postponed surgery could cost Dudley his life, and that the infection might be spreading.
Lighting his cigarette, Vernon gazed absentmindedly into the night sky. The stars, bright as ever, seemed to mock him in his misery. Something in the distance caught his eye. At first he thought it was a far-away helicopter hoping to land on the hospitals roof, but as the object came closer he saw that it was an owl. The creature was headed straight toward him.
The large brown barn owl landed at his feet, stuck out its leg, and indicated that Vernon should take the letter that was attached.
Glancing all around to ensure that no one was watching, Vernon snatched up the official looking parchment and hastily tore into it.
'Dear Mr. Dursley, because of your service to our kind, we in the Wizarding World would be happy to extend our assistance to your family. The following number will connect you to the finest hospital our kind has to offer, the healers there can cure all muggle diseases. Thank you. –A. Dumbledore'
As promised, the letter contained a telephone number where he could reach St. Mungos, which he hastily whipped out his cell phone and dialed.
…oh how the mighty have fallen.
-What will Dumbledore learn from his conversation with Mr. Crouch? How are the Champions going to prepare for the third task? Will Steve figure out that Cedric knows the identity of the-boy-in-the-gorilla-suit? Will Harry tell Ron and Hermione everything? How does Jarbaby's secret fit into the picture? How will the Dursley's react to the wizard healers? More importantly, how will the Wizarding World react to the Dursley's? Find out next time on The Stereotypical, Uber Odd, Kinda Gayyy, Obnoxiously Hard to Follow, Gonna Make You Piss Yourself: Harry Potter Soap Opera!
A/N: Well first off, thanks to those of you who review. I love that. Please continue to do so!!!! I'd really like to have at least 40 reviews for this story before I post Episode 10, just to know you're watching, ya know? Right now we're only 6 reviews away from that goal. I think it can be met, I believe in you guys!!!!!
Now, doesn't it seem just like the Dursley's to treat Harry like crap all his life, but then expect the Wizarding World to treat them as though they've done them some great service and expect favors? I kinda thought so…
Also, how many of you think I should give Jarbaby a name? What do you think that name should be?
I'm open for suggestions guys, if there's anything you want to see happen in future chapters in this story, tell me about 'em! REVIEW ReViEw review!!!!!
