Chapter 6-4

You brought me summer, but left in the autumn.

I dreamed a dream, but it became hell in the end.


When the news of the Boston incident reached here, Alfred felt pain in his heart. He bent down and kneeled on the ground in agony. He had intended to throw the ball in his hand for Andrew to play with. It dropped with a "thud" from his hand and rolled to the corner of a wall.

Andrew ran after the ball, but returned to Alfred with the ball in its mouth soon. It was wagging its tail continuously. Andrew rubbed against Alfred's face for a while, letting out a few barks again until its owner's face was no longer pale and was gradually returning to normal.

Alfred was aware of his recent poor health. The acts Arthur brought had caused this. He hated, or rather, detested those acts. But when he thought of Arthur who had been coughing during his last visit, he felt he was unable to say anything. Of course his friends didn't think this way. Alfred could always feel their strong anger and intentional or unintentional incitation each time they talked.

What do you think, Alfred? Don't you think this is very unfair, Alfred? Don't you think we should have some strong expressions toward England, Alfred? Alfred...

Enough. Of course he knew it was unfair. It could even be regarded as harsh exploitation. He also hated England's actions very much, but he couldn't treat Arthur with the same feeling. It was weird. He didn't know when he gradually started seeing England and Arthur as two separate beings. He thought they were two different beings and couldn't be confused with one another.

But that wasn't the case in reality. England is Arthur, and Arthur is England. Perhaps it was because he was so in love with Arthur, so he deceived his own eyes, wanting to find an excuse for Arthur. But that wasn't the truth after all.

Whenever he felt such pain, he would always think about whether Arthur could feel the pain too.

Does Arthur know he was in such pain he almost couldn't breathe?

But in comparison, when Arthur was coughing violently because of the aftereffect left by the war, could he feel it too?

Could he go to the other end of the ocean and be by his side?

Why do people always have to hurt each other and make them suffer?

Why do people have to start disputes over resources, rights, races and all that?

Why can't God treat all things fairly?

Why must there be competitions just for wanting to live?

He had countless questions. Perhaps it was because he was still too young, so he was too greedy to find the answers. And these questions would always float in his mind, making him anxious all day.

But he would never think of such things before. He was like a clock which had been set perfectly, moving according to the pace of time and advancing or retreating along with his people. But something made him different now. He held on to a thread and followed it. His dreams began to have different colors; he could always find Arthur among those blank faces. Then the light brightened and the view became lively. Those happy and sweet voices came in too, mixed with a few barks. It was Andrew jumping by their side in excitement.

Alfred panted, holding his hand out to reassure Andrew.

"I'm okay, buddy..."


The Door into Summer

It was always windy whenever it was about to rain heavily. Alfred was staring at his thumb. That wound wasn't bleeding anymore, but the gap had yet to close up. When he was thinking about taking a needle and poking it to see what was going on, someone came to visit him. Several of his friends who knew his identity came in angrily to speak with him. To be honest, Alfred was a little tired of dealing with them.

"Look at these outrageous demands!"

George let out a shout first. He spread a leaflet on the table and read out the articles one by one. Alfred put a hand behind the back of the chair and tickled Andrew so it would walk in circles. He also distracted himself by studying how long this heavy rain would last. When he counted to two hundred and five seconds, George found out he wasn't paying attention.

"... Al? Alfred!"

"Oh, I'm here." He raised his hand and waved.

George pointed furiously at Alfred and questioned, "Don't you feel anything toward these outrageous actions?"

"Uh." Alfred scratched the back of his head, "I do think they're bad, but it's no use being furious about it."

"If everyone unite together and fight, then our anger won't be of no use!" George said passionately, "We shall resist them from taking away the freedom we originally had and become independent from them!"

"... Independence?" Alfred was in a daze, "Did you say independence?"

"Of course!"

Some of the people present there also showed surprises on their face like Alfred, and some showed expressions of admiration and support. George went on, "It's about time. Since they repeatedly ignored our protests, then we must stand up for ourselves!"

Alfred was silent for a while.

"It's not so simple to become independent." He said with an unprecedented serious face, "First everyone must be prepared to sacrifice their lives, then hold guns to engage in battles with people. Maybe that person is our relative from several generations ago. Are you serious about wanting to do it?"

"Perhaps now is not the time yet. It's no wonder you would have such concerns." George gave Alfred one meaningful look, "But I believe everyone here is not afraid to die! If we have your support too, then there shouldn't be any problem!"

Then the noisy sounds of discussion became louder. The reception room became lively for the moment. Alfred lowered his eyes. Andrew was lying beside his feet obediently. Alfred paid no heed to the noises around him. He closed his eyes and felt Arthur was kissing him from his forehead to his lips. But that feeling of happiness soon disappeared, he then discovered it was only a breeze with water vapor. He was so tired. How he wanted to take a long rest.

"... So what do you think?"

The question was thrown back at him. Alfred opened his eyes and looked at everyone who was full of expectation of him. He cleared his throat, knowing what he was about to say would be very unwelcoming for sure.

"Please give me more time to consider this." Alfred said in a low voice, "There is too much at stake after all."

"... All right." As the leader, George wasn't satisfied with the answer, but he still accepted Alfred's reason with reluctance, "I hope you can make up your mind as soon as possible."

The rain hadn't stopped yet. His friends left Alfred's house one by one, holding umbrellas in their hands. Alfred saw them off at the door, but George had no intention to leave yet. He stared at Alfred's eyes solemnly, not even blinking his eyes.

"When that person comes over - you know who I'm referring to - does he always live at your place?"

"Hmm?" Alfred looked at him in surprise, "Is that a problem?"

"No. I'm just curious as to why he always comes here even through there is a British official residence."

"Because the view is better here." Alfred replied with a smile, "And the food is better too."

"Even though my guess may offend you, but seeing as we're friends, I can't help but worry - You're too intimate with him."

"What are you implying?"

"You look like you're in love."

Alfred raised an eyebrow, "What if I say your guess is not wrong?"

"Alfred!" George shouted sternly in surprise, "Don't tell me you have a sodomy relationship with him?"

"Shut up." Alfred stared at him angrily when he heard the term that slandered his relationship with Arthur, "You don't have the right to say that!"

"Of course I do!" George went from being surprised to being furious, "Do you do oral sex for him? Or do you let him put that dirty thing in your anus? My god!"

"If you dare say one more word that slanders Arthur, then don't blame me for not having any consideration about our friendship!"

"Alfred! Do you know who you are? Do you really understand who that dirty and vile person is?"

George's whole body trembled; he couldn't tell if it was from anger or shock. Alfred picked up an umbrella and threw it hard at George. He shouted, "I'm me! Arthur's Arthur! End of story!"

"Now leave this place before I throw you out, otherwise I can't guarantee you won't have a broken leg or more!"

George stood in the pouring rain and looked at the angry person in front of him with astonishment. He couldn't believe his eyes. It was like Alfred had became a stranger, and was no longer a friend he had entrusted things with. After a while, George turned and left. He wasn't holding an umbrella and he looked somewhat lost.

Alfred watched him from the behind and covered his face helplessly. There was no way he wouldn't be angry at the people who insulted Arthur, but he never wanted to treat his friend like this. He felt he was ridiculously wrong in every aspect, but he couldn't turn back.


After that, George never came to see him anymore.

Alfred wrote to Arthur often, hoping he would display his influence in the parliament and reduce the oppression of the colony. Arthur's reply always said he would try, although he couldn't guarantee anything because he wasn't the decision maker but only the executor. It would be a lie if he said he wasn't disappointed with this answer. Sometimes he would be furious at Arthur for not being any help at all. He began losing his temper easily; he would become irritated over small things. He felt like he was a beast that was confined in a cage of frustration and anger. There was no exit and he couldn't go anywhere.

As if it could sense its owner's change, Andrew had been resting quietly beside Alfred's feet recently. Sometimes it would occasionally play by biting on the small toy Arthur made for it. Perhaps it was wishing its other owner could return soon too. The big boy that was currently writing a letter had already crumpled more than twenty pages of drafts up. These draft papers would always fall on its head.

Alfred still followed the change of situation closely. The First Continental Congress was held in Philadelphia. The people there adopted a declaration and created the Continental Association. Alfred went there because he was invited. He also saw a lot of his old acquaintances, including George. He tried to wave in greeting to him, but George turned around and passed by him indifferently. He used to be really good friends with George. That was why it made him so upset that things became like this.

He didn't go for a drink with everyone after the meeting. He stayed in the hotel room and took out his pocket watch. Opening the lid, there was a portrait of Arthur inside. Watching his smile made Alfred feel a little better.

After some time, Alfred regained his attention when there was a string of knock on the door. He opened the door and found George standing in front of him.

"... It's been a long time."

"Yes."

Alfred let George in the room uneasily. George seemed to feel a little awkward too.

"First of all, I have to apologize... about your Mr. Kirkland." George spoke up with difficulty.

"We shouldn't ruin our friendship over something like this."

Alfred nodded, "I shouldn't have lost my temper so thoughtlessly last time."

"Then I'll put this directly: Since you came here and took part in this meeting, it should mean you have made up your mind already, yes?" George asked, going straight to the point immediately.

Alfred shook his head and replied, "In fact, I'm still thinking it over."

"... Alfred, don't you think you're getting the order reversed?"

"What?"

George spoke earnestly, "The most important things to you are 'us' and 'yourself', isn't it?"

"... Yes. That's true."

"I don't want to doubt the extent of loyalty in the love between you and Mr. Kirkland, but I hope you can keep some questionable points in mind."

George analyzed slowly, "First, why would he let you and us suffer if he loves you?"

"Secondly, why did he never think about having you accompanying him to England for a period of time if he loves you?"

"Lastly, this is also my biggest doubt; if he loves you and you love him, do you really think there's a future for the both of you? He can always betray you and torture you like this, but you'll be powerless to fight back at all."

"... Arthur didn't betray me." Alfred said with his hands in a fist, "He'll try his best to help us think of something."

"No, you're blinded by love. No one will help us. We have to find a way for ourselves."

Alfred lowered his head in silence. George let out a sigh.

"Let's put it this way. Admit it. He doesn't love you. It's impossible for England to love his colony. Plundering resources was his intention from the start. There's nothing else."

"And you should be on our side."

After a while, Alfred looked up. He looked lost.

"George, have you ever had a promise with someone?"

"Of course I have."

"Then would you try your best to keep the promise?"

"That's for certain. If it doesn't go against my moral conscience."

"Would you still insist on keeping the promise if he betrayed you?"

"... If," George paused, "I would still keep it if that promise is very important. But since I had already been betrayed, then whether I would keep it or not depends on the situation."

"I have a promise with someone, George. But I don't even have the right to 'choose whether to keep it or not'."

Alfred said quietly, "Because I'm who I am, so I don't have the right to choose?"

"You'll be very miserable if you must think like that."

"It's about the same now." Alfred suddenly found himself funny, "I seek for freedom, but I'm the least free out of all the people."

"..."

George glanced at his thumb.

"The wound hasn't healed yet?"

"It probably never will." Alfred said quietly, "Give me that gun."

"What?"

"You're prepared already, aren't you?" Alfred looked at him, "What all of you are about to do is imperative."

George took out an exquisite pistol he had prepared under his gaze.

"I wish this won't have to be used at all." He said heavily, "But if you're still 'you', there shouldn't be any problem," George aimed the gun at his own temple in an act, "Even if you use this gun and pull the trigger. Because you're an existence that surpasses lives or anything else."

"So now the problem is - can you prove you're still you?"

"If - of course I hope this is only an assumption - if you're no longer 'yourself', you can still maintain your dignity with this gun."


For some things, you can never hope "if only it didn't happen." It was something that could not be controlled at all. A healthy person may have a sudden death; a person with disability may suddenly recover. We'll say it may be retribution or a punishment for the former with some pity at most. The latter we may say it's a miracle or a blessing and try to find traces of miracle on him. These two are essentially the same if you think about it. It all happened so suddenly and the person in concern cannot choose. The future is a variable of uncertainty. The good fortune and misfortune of everything are only comparative.

Even if you were happy in the beginning, it doesn't mean that happiness will last until the end. But if you were rejected in the beginning, it doesn't mean things will become worse later.

After pushing countless doors open, I met you here. But when I want to push another door open, it was locked. I saw a thread on the side. I thought it might be possible to go on, so I held on to the thread despite not knowing what would be at the end of the road.

But now I know.

I need to entrust someone to take care of my good buddy Andrew. It can't be there when the gunshot takes place. I need to prepare an apple pie and finish them, so I won't be hungry when I set off. I have to wear the pocket watch, so he'll always be with me wherever "I" may go.

If I abandoned my people because of him, I'll be guilty of crime; but if I betrayed him because of my people, I'll be beyond redemption.

I'm not free anywhere.

And God, I want to curse you. I curse you for creating me, letting me know what love is, yet took away my freedom of choice relentlessly.


I choose you, Arthur.

Don't cry. You look so ridiculous.


Note: Phew, finally done with this chapter.
Ah... the fall semester starts today, I'm not looking forward to it.
I have many things I want to say about this chapter, but couldn't think of anything to put down in the end.
Hmm... I wonder if people expected this to happen?
Anyways, next chapter will be the last. I hope I won't take a long time to translate it now that school's starting.