Chapter 9 – Cause me Pain
Jason's pov.
Now does our world descend the path to nothingness Cruel now cancels kind; friends turn to enemies. Therefore lament, my dream and don a doer's doom. Create is now contrive, imagined merely know. Freedom; what makes a slave. Therefore my life, lie down and more by most endure All that you never were.
Hide poor dishonored mind Who thought you so wise and much could understand Concerning no and yes. If they've become the same It's time you unbecame. Where climbing was and bright is darkness and to fall, Now wrong's the only right since brave are cowards all Therefore despair my heart and die into the dirt
But from this endless end of briefer each our bliss Where seeing eyes go blind Where lips forget to kiss Where everything's nothing Arise my soul and sing. e.e Cummings
You probably won't walk again. It was funny how those words were so few and yet seemed to encompass an entire life; walking was important, you just didn't realize just how important until you couldn't do it. It was funny that just a few simple words could make the world fall apart, could leave you stranded.
"We call it paraplegia." The doctor continued. He was a specialist, so why couldn't he fix him? "It can be caused by a number of things, in your case its acute trauma." Stop saying that like I'm a case, a part of this. "I'm very sorry."
You're sorry? Wow, I feel much better now I know that you don't wish this on people, after all without me you wouldn't have a job. Okay now I'm becoming hysterical, well inside, the way Tommy's gripping my hand you'd think I was going to run away…oh yeah I can't do that anymore.
Is that it, you won't explain anymore? "Explain exactly what's wrong with me." I hear myself say, I always was a glutton for punishment.
The doctor glanced at Tommy, don't look at him; look at me he's not the one who's broken. "You have bilateral paraplegia, which means the paralysis is on both sides. The damage is on the lower level of the spine, we call it the lumbar; it's the bit between the diaphragm and pelvis." He's stopped. Don't, I was hoping for something more, something more painful at least. This clinical stuff, is it meant to detach you from it? As if seeing my thoughts he continues.
"The damage can often be severe in this area because between each vertebra there's a small nerve root, these join a larger nerve; the sciatic nerve which goes down into your legs and feet. Damage to those nerves is very easily done." He pauses. Is it easier to ruin someone's life if you get stop between sentences?
"When the car hit you Jason," Ah, the personal approach. "One of your vertebrae was cracked and another one broke, we inserted a couple of metal pins into the lower level of your spine to fix them but when they broke they crushed the nerve roots between them effectively cutting them off from the rest of the nerve, severing them."
They're all staring at me like I'm supposed to just turn around and say 'Well that's okay then!' I'm sorry guys but that's not how this works; I can't say anything.
Am I the only one who sees the irony here? I used to save the world on a regular basis, I used to be a hero; I was a hero right up until the point that car hit me. Alcohol, little girls and cars; such a deadly mix, they should make it into a cocktail or a type of shot. So I can't think coherently or perhaps I'm thinking so coherently I'm taking this way too well…
"Jason?" Oh yes, I forgot that Tommy can see straight through me; can see me faking it and can see the strange thoughts buzzing around my head; he knows I'm panicking.
"I'm fine." I hear my self say as though from a great distance. Well that was a dumbass thing to say; you can't walk so it can't be fine, honestly they said the accident didn't affect your head. Even dying three times didn't affect me; my life is full of irony.
I know I'm being too calm, the thoughts I'm having are bitter and even humorous but I'm not crying and I'm not flipping out. Inside my head I'm fine but I can tell from the way they're looking at me that there's something wrong. Is this how it's going to be from now on, is everyone going to stare at me like I'm weird? Does this make me abnormal and pitiable? Where's the justice in that? I saved a girl whose life had barely begun and now I lose mine for that good act, I lose out like I gave the rest of my life to her; was that God's way of balancing the books and making it fair? I can live but I have to lose something in order for her to continue like compensation except no one told me God expected compensation, the girl hadn't been wearing a warning sign. Now I understand why evil people take such pleasure in what they do, and why wouldn't they because apparently when you do something good you get punished; Zedd and Rita had one up on me the whole time.
"Jason?" I look up at him, the numbness seeping through my veins. "It'll be okay." Will it, how do you know? You're not sitting here listening to some guy telling you that he can't fix you, that he's leaving you crippled in more ways than one.
"No it won't." See you can't think of anything to say, I wish you could fix me brother.
"It'll get better, I'll be here for you." Yeah? You shouldn't have to be though, that's the problem.
I want to feel, right now I'm tired and I'm numb. I'm numb in so many different ways, I want to feel my legs and to feel what it is to walk again because I don't remember how it felt before; hadn't taken any notice. I want to feel, I don't want to be calm and cold I want to scream and shout at them; I want to feel again and if I have to make it worse before I can feel anything than so be it.
"What will happen to me? How am I supposed to live my life … will there be any side effects?" I want to feel, anything even if it's pain. I always was a glutton for punishment. Cause me pain so I know I'm still here, so I'll know that I'm still alive.
Pain is the feeling people have when they know that they are alive. No emotion is quite like it, no feeling so acute. Pain is what makes us fall but can stop us falling, can bring us back and pick us up. If pain is in the mind then why can you feel it around your heart? Pain brings us together and can tear us apart; we understand it but at times it baffles us. Pain is a prolonging of time; it lasts only moments but feels like an eternity, it can destroy us but sometimes it is the making of us. Pain is the assurance that you are still alive if you feel pain you're still there, still a part of this world you're not quite gone. Pain has to end, in the same way everything ends pain is limited; whether we get through it or succumb, whether we forget for a while or whether we die. Pain ends eventually, and what is it replaced with? No one can really answer that question; none of us have gone beyond that moment, gone that far.
