A/N: So it's Friday and here's the update! I'm updating because I Pinkie swore and I take my Pinkie swears VERY seriously. I'm also updating because you guys are absolutely amazing. I asked for 10 reviews, I got 22. It's an amazing feeling to get your feedback on this story and know that you're intrigued and stuff. So just... thank you for that!
I know a lot of you were a bit gutted though by where things ended last chapter! I know I left Naomi and Emily in a rough place! And I know a few of you are feeling like they're just... over. Which, in all honesty, was the point. Because that's how the characters feel at that point. I told you this would be a complicated story :P
This chapter is 3 things. 1- It's the longest so far. That's the least important thing. 2- It's the beginning of another Part. Which means to say it will feel different from both previous Parts. That's kind of important. 3- I guess it's somehow a bit transitional. From one Part to the other, things always change a lot. The dynamics between some characters and the characters themselves at times. It has to. This part is the one in which there was the most changes needed. So this first chapter is the introduction of that. It really is the most important info of the three.
With that in mind, stop minding my ramble and read on. :)
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Part III: Deserving You
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Chapter 1: Live without me
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The third time she meets Emily Fitch… well it isn't exactly a third time and perhaps that's why it's the most unplanned of them all.
It comes around 2 years after they fought in Naomi's flat. The blonde hasn't seen or spoken to Emily during that time and as much as she thought it would be hard to lead a life without Emily Fitch in it, it turns out to be much easier than she expected. It's not that she doesn't care about the redhead anymore, but it's more that she thinks the redhead doesn't care about her. So she just drops the friendship altogether. It's not the bravest of choice, but since when has she been brave anyway?
It's been so long since she's heard anything about the other girl that it is completely unexpected when Sasha randomly brings her up one morning in their new flat.
"I saw your friend Emily today" she says calmly as if it's nothing at all.
Naomi supposes that it is actually nothing to the brunette. Still, her heart leaps excitedly when she hears that.
"Did you? Where?" the blonde asks, trying to sound disinterested or at least casual.
"I saw her as a paramedic in Soho. She was helping an old lady"
"She's a paramedic?"
"Sure seemed like it" Sasha says with a smile.
"Huh... Good for her" Naomi muses suddenly feeling pretty silent.
"Yeah" the brunette agrees before continuing her morning routine.
Naomi is lost in her thoughts for a while then, thinking about Emily for the first time in months. She's not sure what her feelings for the redhead are, but she's sure that she's genuinely happy that Emily seems to have accomplished her dream. Despites everything, Naomi will never wish anything bad on the petite girl, ever. She can pretend nothing happened between them, but she can't stop caring.
When Sasha leaves for work after placing a soft kiss to the blonde's cheek, Naomi picks up her phone and walks to the kitchen with the intention of texting Emily for the first time in two years.
She hesitates for a long time. Almost too long. She doesn't know why she's staring at her phone so much and why it's such a mental debate whether or not she should make the text. She doesn't want it to be a big deal or anything, just a simple congratulation text. Yet, it does feel somehow like a big deal.
She decides to check Facebook before she makes any kind of decision about texting. Naomi doesn't have one personally because she can't be arsed to keep one, but she knows that it's what the rest of the world does. So she logs onto Sasha's profile and types "Emily Fitch" in the search bar.
It doesn't even take that long for Naomi to find her and when she does she doesn't know what to think. On her profile picture, the petite looks happy, like, really happy. Also, she's in the arms of another woman. The blonde's first thought about it is that she thinks the other woman looks quite older than Emily. Then, Naomi thinks that she doesn't find her very pretty altogether and she starts scoffing and laughing to herself until she sees that Emily's new girlfriend isn't just older, she's got kids too. Then she doesn't find it that amusing anymore.
Naomi is way away in judging land by the time she registers Emily's beaming smile in the photo and realises it's not her place to judge the redhead's life. So she shakes her head and decides that if Emily is happy with this woman, Alice according to Facebook, then that's all that matters. It bugs her in a way, but she refuses to let that control her. She hasn't got the right to be bothered by anything regarding Emily.
She closes the page and grabs her phone again. She decides to text Emily because, if they've both moved on, then it's okay to text her just this once, right? She keeps it simple though. The last thing she wants is more grounds on which to argue with the redhead.
Hey, I heard you were
a paramedic now.
Congrats on getting your
dream job.
Naomi
She doesn't sign with any kisses because she thinks it'll be inappropriate. It's been two years since they last heard of each other, they're not on kisses basis anymore, whether the kisses are real or by text.
She forgets about the message altogether for the rest of the day. She only thinks of it when she gets a reply much later. She isn't sure how to feel about it, she's mostly glad she got one at all, to be honest.
Hey, thank you. How about
you? Where are you at now?
Emily
The first thing Naomi notes is that the redhead didn't sign with kisses either. She thinks for a few seconds and ends up replying something ridiculously vague.
You know me, a bit everywhere
a bit nowhere.
Naomi
The blonde knows she won't get a reply to that. She herself only replied to be polite. Naomi doesn't think it's a good idea anyway to have Emily in her life again. She's been good these past two years, really good and apparently, so has Emily. She's happy with Sasha in a way she never expected and she loves her deeply. Emily will always be Emily, she thinks, but there's just no room for them in either of their life. Their friendship was always a bit too complicated, with stupidly blurry lines to define it. It's simpler to drop it. It really is.
That's why she sends a text that is too vague to invite a reply. She doesn't want one.
She doesn't get one either.
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Life continues without Emily and it's okay. Naomi finishes her degree and finds a job not too long afterwards. She's quite pleased with herself an even if it's not a very important position, it's in a youth centre in Hackney and it's exactly the kind of job she always wanted.
Sasha is ridiculously proud of her. The night Naomi gets the call that she got the job, the brunette cooks her something to celebrate and buys a bottle of champagne. They laugh so much that night that Naomi is certain her jaw will be sore in the morning. Instead of sleeping, they spend the night making love and every time Sasha kisses a part of Naomi, she smiles into her skin and hums. It's a bit overwhelming how loved she is, the blonde thinks.
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The next day, they invite Cook, Freddie, JJ and his brand new girlfriend over and they celebrate again. Freddie and Cook take it in turns to regal them of their most dubious sex stories while the rest of them just laugh and nod along. Freddie and Cook are both single. Not that long after he started seeing her, Freddie's relationship with Effy ended and he hasn't really had a girlfriend since. Some days, Naomi wonders if it's because he still misses the brunette, but she never brings her up. Cook, for his part, hasn't even ever had a serious girlfriend. The blonde has long lost faith that he'll ever settle with anyone. She guesses he's just not that kind of person.
It's a great night overall, a great moment in Naomi's life. When everyone goes home later and Naomi cuddles with Sasha in their bed, she's still happy and doesn't think anything could ever go wrong now that her life feels so right.
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Of course, thinking that is like a curse in itself. At least, things don't go tits up right away. When Naomi and Sasha celebrate their fifth year together, everything is as perfect as it always was. The blonde has been working for the same Youth Centre for a year now and the kids and her boss love her. It's a good thing because she absolutely loves her job as well and often spends extra hours volunteering there. She fights about it with Sasha on occasions, but they're regular couple fights that get solved with a good argument and wonderful make up sex. Overall, it's not at all what changes everything.
The real game changer comes shortly after though when Sasha is offered a new job, her dream job. Naomi is ecstatic when the brunette tells her because she knows it's everything her girlfriend has always wanted and who wouldn't be happy about that?
"Oh my god babes! It's amazing!" She exclaims cheerfully.
Her smile falls though when she notices that Sash isn't smiling as brightly as she is. And since the girl has just been offered a dream on a platter, the blonde really worries.
"What's wrong? I thought that position was what you wanted?" the blonde inquires, placing a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder.
The brunette lifts her gaze to meet Naomi's blue eyes and there's so much sadness in them that the blonde stalls. She feels her chest constrict and braces herself for what's to come.
"It is what I wanted… but the thing is… Naoms… the position they've offered me is in Glasgow" Sasha says in her ever so soft voice.
And there it is, the thing that can change them completely. Naomi feels her heart give a painful thud in her chest. She feels winded and feels the colour drain from her face. She knows how big this decision is, she knows that whatever they decide, it will change their relationship. So Naomi takes her eyes off Sash and leans her back on the kitchen counter that's just behind her. She pushes a hand in her hair and exhales slowly. When she finally looks back at her girlfriend, she notices with a jolt that the brunette's eyes are full of tears. That springs her into immediate motion and Naomi darts forward to wrap her arms around the woman she loves. She coos her softly as Sasha cries in her arms.
"Don't cry babes…" the blonde mutters softly.
"I'm just so torn…" Sasha admits.
"I know…"
"I've wanted this for ages and now I have it, but fuck… I don't want to take it if it means moving and losing you"
"Shush… It doesn't mean anything at the moment alright?" Naomi assures. "How long can you take to decide?"
"They've given me a week to think about it"
"Okay…" The blonde says, slowly taking in the new information. "And what happens if you say yes?"
"They move me to Glasgow at the end of the next month. They'll pay for everything…"
Naomi nods and gulps slowly.
"Okay. Here's what we're going to do" She announces. "I'm going to go to the store and buy the best bottle I can find at this hour. We're going to open it and drink it and be happy. This is a good thing Sash, I'm so completely proud of you and no matter what happens next, what you decide, I want to celebrate this properly, alright? Let's not make any decision, but the decision to be happy for you tonight, okay?"
The brunette gives her a love filled gaze then and brings her arms around her neck. She kisses her slowly and tenderly and Naomi let's herself sigh in contentment into the kiss. When Sasha pulls herself off a little she nudges the blonde's cheek with her nose and Naomi just smiles.
"You're so perfect sometimes, you know that?" she whispers.
Naomi grins wider, because, it's not something she's been told by anyone else but Sasha in her life. She has a stupid tendency to make life complicated for herself, but since she's met the brunette, she's been better, calmer in general. Sasha makes her a better person, or perhaps it's love that does.
"I do try my very best" She teases and kisses Sasha's cheek.
;;
They take the initial evening exactly like Naomi described and they refrain from discussing what's to come. The very next day though, they have to. They sit down at the kitchen table and Naomi takes out a piece of paper on which she writes with a marker Pros and Cons. She prompts Sasha to list things afterwards and refrains from saying anything. She doesn't want to influence the other girl and as much as she's aware that she's an important factor in the decision, the choice is not hers to make. Of course, it doesn't take that long before Sash gives her a meaningful look and she places the marker down.
"Would you move with me?" She asks her.
It's more a formality than an actual question. They both know the answer, they just need it to be said.
"I don't think so babes…" Naomi mutters her voice thick with sadness, with apologies.
Sasha nods and grabs the marker, quickly adding "Naomi" to the list of Cons.
"You understand why though right?" the blonde questions.
Sasha nods sadly. It's not that Naomi doesn't love her girlfriend enough to move with her because she does. If it was the only factor, Naomi would be moving without hesitation. But it's not. Love is rarely the only factor to consider in real life. The blonde is in a good place at work at the moment and she can't just throw it away. It's not even just a question of ambition and a fear of starting elsewhere. Naomi just can't drop it and start over just yet without it ruining everything she's built for the past year. Even if she was ready to ruin everything, Sasha wouldn't let her. Just like Naomi indulges the brunette with the Pros and Cons, but she already knows she won't let her pass up on this opportunity. She loves her too much to stand in the way of the girl's dream and Naomi isn't stupid, she knows she's the only thing standing in her way.
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It takes three more days of discussion before Sasha finally decides that she does, indeed, need to go. As much as Naomi knew this is the right thing to do, it's not easy. She's terrified of what will happen, terrified that she'll be living miles apart from her girlfriend. She tries to stay positive though. Partly because she needs to be, and partly because she doesn't know how else she's supposed to be.
She calls her mum one afternoon when Sasha is at work fixing the details of her move. She ends up crying on the phone for over half an hour while explaining everything to her mother. The older Campbell, being the Saint that she is, comforts her and doesn't even comment on how barely coherent her daughter must be. When she hangs up, Naomi feels a lot lighter though and she's happy she called at all. It's probably a good thing because when Sasha and she are cuddled in bed that evening, it's the brunette's turn to get a bit emotional.
"Do you think we can make it work long distance?" she asks.
"Of course I do" Naomi replies instantly.
She doesn't know if she means it, she doesn't know if she really believes it, but she's willing to try her hardest to make it happen. Sasha is the best thing that happened to her, Naomi is convinced of that and she can't just let her go.
;;
Everything works fine the first few months. They call each other every night and talk about their days and the likes. Sometimes, they even talk dirty and manage to get each other off over the phone. They Skype some nights as well, but that one is harder when they realise they can see each other, but not touch each other.
Some nights it's fine. Naomi sees her friends and focuses on work and when she falls in bed at home sleep invades her instantly. On other nights though, it's horrible. She gets homes and cooks something for herself and watches telly. It feels like she's walking in circles in her own apartment and it's annoying as fuck. On those nights, the blonde goes to bed early and the coldness beside her manages to multiply by a thousand. It's those nights that make it hard, too hard.
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They try to make it work despite everything, they really do, but it doesn't stop the situation from ruining their relationship in the end. What's probably the worst thing is that it just happens. They don't even fight, don't even get into a huge argument where they say things that hurt so much they can't be forgiven. No one cheats and no one lies. They just fall apart a bit like it was meant to fall apart from the start. The only thing that keeps Naomi from thinking it's alright is how much it actually hurts even though it's way too late to do anything about it.
It occurs to Naomi that the break is inevitable on a specific night. Sash is in London for the weekend and the blonde can't get enough of her. Which works well because Sasha can't get enough of her either. Naomi knows she's missed her more than she could ever explain and she revels in every touch, every smile and every laugh they share. She's rediscovering the woman she knows she loves so much and everything about it is sweet. But it's also a bit bitter and that's the part that hurts.
They're in Naomi's bed, curled up naked together under the blankets after having spent a very long time rediscovering their bodies. Sasha's head is laying on the blonde's shoulder while she's drawing patterns on her bicep. They're in their own bubble of happiness, their own cocoon made of their bodies' warmth and the blankets and the post-orgasm highs. They feel so right together, Naomi thinks. She's always felt that way about them. And now that Sasha is actually here, in their flat, telling her about the last month or so of her life, it feels in a way like they were never apart. Only, it's not all there is and when Sasha tells her a particular story, that's when it hits Naomi.
It's not that the story is extraordinary in itself, not at all actually. It's just a random tale about a night out for drinks Sasha had with her co-workers. And it's not even that Naomi's worried about anything or is suspicious about something in the story because she's not. It's more about the fact that, the more Sasha mentions people, the more Naomi realizes how much she doesn't know about her girlfriend's new life. Because half of the names that come out of the brunette's mouth are names she's never heard before and the other half are names she's only heard once or twice. She's not even mad that she doesn't know all these people in Sasha's life because she knows she could tell her girlfriend about a similar night out she had with her own co-workers the other week and Sash would feel exactly like she feels right now. So that's when she first realizes that it's going to happen eventually.
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She really gets a feeling of desperation when, about two weeks later, she goes to Glasgow for the weekend to visit and it doesn't change a damn thing. Sasha is completely thrilled to see her, of course, and by then, Naomi's not sure if it's making things better that her girlfriend loves her so much or if it's making them worse. It's a bit horrible that they both love each other so much yet there's nothing that seems to be able to stop them from breaking apart. The night Naomi arrives, they do nothing, but take advantage of each other. They probably make love in every single room of Sasha's apartment to finally end in her bedroom all tangled up. And it feels so damn good that, for a moment, Naomi forgets that it's not working, that they're not working anymore.
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The second night of Naomi's stay, they go out with friends of the hazel eyed girl in a small town pub that's got really good music and a few pool tables. Luckily, the blonde gets on with everyone and it's almost painful to see that she could fit right in if she were to move to Glasgow. She considers it for the first time that night. She considers abandoning everything she's got in London just for the sake of being with the woman she loves so desperately. But then she just knows it wouldn't solve anything, not really. Because as much as Naomi is having fun with Sasha's friends and as much as they accept her, her place is not in Glasgow. It's just not her world, not her life and she'd end up hating Sash for making her move. And above everything, no matter what happens, she never wants to feel anything but fondness for her the other girl.
During the night out, she also notices that Sasha clearly has made an impression on a few people notably a girl that's been introduced to her as Molly. Or at least that's what Naomi believes by the amount of time Molly glances longingly at her girlfriend. It's a bit weird, a bit unsettling, but she isn't even mad at the other girl for eyeing Sasha so obviously. She's not mad because, mostly, Molly is just looking. Yes, her eyes linger, but her touches don't and she's being completely respectful of the fact that Sasha is taken. So Naomi can't even be mad at her because she gets it. She gets why someone would fancy Sasha, of course she does.
And when Sash laughs and jokes with Molly, Naomi can't even pretend that she's jealous. Well, she isn't but she is and it's a bit confusing. She's not jealous because she's afraid Sasha also has feelings for Molly, because it's obvious in everything the brunette does that she's completely in love with Naomi. She's been keeping a physical contact with the blonde all through the night as if she's scared that if she doesn't touch her, she will disappear. Naomi can't even pretend she doesn't understand the feeling and even if, usually, she doesn't love having someone so scotched to her, tonight, it feels good.
So the reason she's a bit jealous has nothing to do with Sasha and everything to do with Molly actually, but not because Molly is being obvious. She's jealous because Molly's life is in Glasgow, because Molly really does fit there and she doesn't. She wishes she did so badly, but she just doesn't see it. When she catches Sasha's eyes later in the evening and she sees that glow in them, she knows instantly that her girlfriend is letting herself believe just for a moment that Naomi belongs in Glasgow with her and it breaks her heart. She lets her though, let's her indulge for the time being.
;;
When Naomi leaves the next day, when she needs to go back to London, the tears in Sasha's eyes lets her know that her girlfriend isn't indulging anymore. The brunette knows just as much as Naomi does where their relationship is headed. It makes her feel even more powerless, because she's come to think that maybe it was just her and maybe if Sasha believed it was still working she'd be able to fix everything. But now that she can see Sash knows it just as much as she does, there's no denying it anymore. Sooner or later, it's going to break.
But she can't bring herself to say anything now, she just can't. So she hugs Sasha to her chest, holds on tight for as long as she possibly can and Sash does exactly the same. When she tells her she loves her, there's a tremble in her voice and when her girlfriend replies, her voice isn't much better.
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When Naomi arrives at her flat that night, she passes the doorway and locks up behind her. She puts her bags down beside the door and stares at her big empty place. She lets her eyes linger on her furniture, notices briefly that she should dust the place. Then it hits her how empty her flat is without Sasha in it, how empty she feels without the hazel eyed girl. She leans her back on the front door to stop herself from falling over and slides down the length of it until she's sat right there.
And then she just starts sobbing. She brings her hands to her face and cries her heart out like she doesn't think she's ever cried. She doesn't even know if she'll be able to stop herself. She wonders if she'll even fall asleep right where she is once she's cried all the energy out of her body. She hasn't eaten in hours, drove straight from Glasgow to London and only stopped once for gas. She's not hungry though, the thought of eating is making the bile rise from her stomach. Naomi wonders briefly if she'll feel like eating eventually, can't quite fathom that she will, yet knows that she'll have to at some point.
She doesn't even know how long she remains there, sitting against the door. All she knows is, by the time her tears have stopped falling and she gets up to go to her bedroom, her butt hurts tremendously and she feels exhausted. She slumps on top of her comforter fully clothed, doesn't even care that she's still got her boots on, and just falls asleep right there.
;;
It barely takes a month after that weekend for them to make the decision. Sasha drives down to London one weekend and it's obvious to the both of them that this will be their last time together. They don't do anything, don't plan to go out with anyone, but just take the time to be together. They're threading carefully around each other and it's like neither wants any reason to fight. Naomi knows she doesn't want to stain their last weekend and she reckons Sash feels the same.
By the time Saturday afternoon rolls in, the tension is already too much for either of them to handle. They can't just keep pretending it's not happening, because that's way too hard. It's Sasha that initiates the conversation and instantly Naomi knows it couldn't have been any other way. God knows she's way too terrified to do it. She realizes she might have lasted a lot longer, might have lasted a lifetime of being this miserable because she can't bear herself to break things off.
Sash is sitting at the kitchen table while Naomi is washing a few plates at the sink. The brunette is playing with her fingers and she sighs before she finally lifts her gaze from the table to look at Naomi.
"Naoms…" She whispers desperately and just from the way she's said her name, Naomi knows that this is it.
Her body freezes instantly, her limbs stiffening. She carefully stops the running water and grips the edge of the sink. She doesn't even look at Sasha, but she knows the other girl is looking at her. She can feel her gaze penetrating the side of her head, she can almost feel her girlfriend begging her to just look at her. It's not that she doesn't want to look at her, but, at this point, she'd do anything to delay the conversation neither of them wants to have.
"Please Nai… just come and sit down" Sasha hushes.
Naomi breathes in slowly, with difficulty. She knows it sounds laboured, probably because it is in a way. There's really no way to express just how much she wishes they weren't doing this right now, didn't have to do it.
"I don't… I guess I have to, don't I?" she finally answers or more like croaks.
Naomi turns her head slowly to finally look at her girlfriend and she's not all that surprised when she sees that her mouth is a thin line because she's pressing her lips together so hard and her eyes are already full of tears. The blonde walks slowly to the kitchen table and sits across Sasha. She's not quite close enough to the other girl so she's in her personal space, not close enough to smell her perfume, yet not so far away that Sasha couldn't reach for her if she tried. It's her way to put a bit of a buffer between them, because it's easier if she's not too close. Naomi doesn't think she can get around to having this conversation at all if she can smell Sash all around her.
They remain silent for a while, both stealing glances at the other once in a while but too scared to look for too long. It's getting to a point where their avoidance is ridiculous when Sasha breaks the silence once again.
"It's not working…" she mumbles and the second Naomi looks at her, she sees that the tears that were brimming her eyes earlier are now out in the open.
It makes the blonde feel ridiculously horrible, but what's worse is not that Sash is already crying, it's the fact that her voice is full of despair. She feels her throat constrict and her own eyes fill with tears. She pushes them back, doesn't want to cry, because she's not sure if she'd be able to stop if she started. Sasha looks at her with such hopeless eyes and it's evident she's waiting for Naomi to say something, but the blonde is not sure she can. She knows this is what needs to happen, but if she opens her mouth to actually speak, she's not convinced she won't just beg that they try harder to make it work. And ultimately that wouldn't change anything, it would just make things harder.
So instead she nods slowly, closing her eyes when Sasha lets a strangled sob escape her lips. She can't leave her eyes open or she'll see that she just killed the faintest hope her girlfriend might have had about the situation turning out differently. She realizes for the first time that Sasha really doesn't want this to happen just as much as her. And then she feels anger flare up inside her because, surely, if they are both so torn over this, it shouldn't have to happen! Yet, it's fucking happening and Naomi is just pathetically powerless.
When she opens her eyes again, her cheeks are wet and even if she told herself she wouldn't cry, she understands that that's nearly impossible. Sasha isn't sobbing anymore, but looking at her with the most defeated expression she's ever worn.
"I love you so much…" The brunette whispers with a bittersweet smile.
Despite everything, Naomi smiles back and nods.
"And I love you so much as well" She confirms just in case her girlfriend might have doubted.
Weirdly enough, Sasha is all smiles when she continues "But that doesn't change the fact that it's not working, does it?"
It's not a happy smile, so in a way, it works. Naomi thinks that actually, the smile makes it a bit tragic. She nearly scoffs at herself for even daring to think something like that. It makes her feel like such a drama queen.
"I wish it did though" she utters and it's the brunette's turn to be nodding.
"I'm so sorry" She says. "I feel like this is all my fault"
"Why?" Naomi asks curiously.
"Because I'm the one that left" Sasha admits with a shrug.
The blonde considers this for a second. It's funny that it never occurred to her before to blame Sasha for where their relationship ended up. She never once considered the idea that her girlfriend moving away made it her fault.
"If it's worth anything I don't see it that way at all" she says.
The look her girlfriend sends her after that is part shocked, but part grateful.
"Glasgow is definitely where you need to be Sash…" she mutters. "You thrive there"
She looks at the brunette again and she sees that she started crying again. Naomi lets her cry as much as she needs, doesn't add anything else. She'd cry herself if she could, but right now she's just feeling numb.
"Can you please stop being so bloody lovely?" Sasha jokes. "You're making this awfully hard"
Naomi laughs for what feels like the first time in ages. She shakes her head then and quickly loses her smile.
"I… It's just… I wish it wasn't happening at all you know?" she says so faintly that's it's a miracle she was heard at all.
"I know…" the brunette replies. "I feel the same"
"I just want you to know… If… if like there was… anything I could do that would work I would… I just… I don't think there is… I'm sorry I can't move to Glasgow with you" Naomi says stumbling on her words.
Her eyes fill with tears then and she's the first one surprised to see feelings surging through again. But when she looks at Sasha, the girl is shaking her head.
"I know Nai… You belong in London just as much as I belong in Glasgow"
Naomi nods along and she's glad they're agreeing. She's not sure though if they're supposed to agree this much while they're breaking up. The second the thought crosses her mind, she feels faint. It's the first time she consciously realizes that that's what's happening. They're breaking up. Before the end of the day, Sasha won't be hers anymore. That's probably the thing that tips her over and makes her start sobbing like a lost child. She grabs her head between her hands and feels waves after waves of sadness wash through her. It takes barely a second before Sasha is kneeling next to her and bringing her into her arms. Naomi clings to her and it's only okay that she's letting herself cry her broken heart in the brunette's arms because Sash is doing the exact same thing in hers.
And then things just start happening fast. Naomi crashes her lips against the hazel eyed girl's only to find that that's all the other girl seems to want as well anyway. Their hands are roaming freely with a desperate eagerness that's never been there before. They properly shag right there on the crap linoleum of what used to be their flat and neither really cares that it's a bit cold and a bit uncomfortable. It's all about owning each other one last time in a way and it's just what they both need at the moment.
;;
Later, they move to Naomi's room and, this time, they don't just shag. They take all the time they want and they make love one last time. It's beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time in a way that is hard to describe. Naomi knows she's trying to convey every feeling she contains every time she kisses Sasha's skin and every time she brushes her fingers on a different area of her body. She tries to make her lips firm and not quiver, but at times it's just plain hard not to shake all over. Every time her memory reminds her that this is the last time she'll ever get to be with Sasha like this ever again, she sorts of loses it. Of course, Sash brings her back to the present every time it happens so it's alright.
;;
When they're done and they've both made each other go to the highest peaks possible, there's nothing left to say or do. Sasha curls up to Naomi's side and lays her head in the crook of the blonde's neck. Naomi plays with her hair, moves some locks around and digs her fingers deep until she's diligently massaging the brunette's scalp. Sash is humming against her skin and it feels so freaking good. They nearly forget for a moment that this will be the last time. It feels like a beginning, not an ending, but perhaps that's how it was supposed to be all along.
Naomi battles with her mind half wanting to tell Sasha that she'll miss her, half not wanting to. In the end, she just says nothing, but presses a lingering kiss to the brunette's temple. Sasha squeezes her in reply and the blonde knows instantly that she really doesn't need to say it, the other girl knows.
;;
They let themselves float on this illusion cloud of cuddling for a little while longer, but when the pressure returns, they get dressed in silence. It's quickly decided then that Sasha needs to leave, even if she had originally planned to stay all weekend. Staying would just make things harder anyway and, really, there's little point to indulge further in the fantasy that they're still happily coupled.
When the brunette has gathered all her belongings and has walked to the door, she sets hers bags on the side just for a moment, just so they can share one last goodbye. She looks at Naomi, eyes full of sadness and apologies.
"Do you… Did you want to stay in touch or…?" She says unsurely.
Naomi shakes her head and Sasha isn't surprised at all.
"I'd rather a clean break… I mean, I think it'll be easier" The blonde explains and, of course, Sash is nodding along. Naomi knew she'd feel the same.
After that, the brunette steps forward and throws her arms around Naomi's neck. The blonde lets her because she knows Sasha needs it. She even circles her waist when she realizes that she needs this too. They hug for probably too long, but neither really cares. It's the last thing they'll have so they're taking it. They don't kiss though because that would be just too much. And before she even knows it, Sasha has pulled out of the hug, grabbed her bags and walked out of her flat, walked out of her life.
;;
When Naomi closes the door, she very much feels like she just shut out 6 years of her life. She walks back slowly to her bedroom and crawls in her bed. She buries herself under the blankets and snuggles the pillow Sasha was laying on a few moments ago. She brings it close to her nose and just inhales. It's still covered with the subtle fragrances that have meant so much to her for the past 6 years. The blonde closes her eyes and just continues to inhale, letting her memory bring her back to so many different moment in times where she was surrounded with the different aromas.
She wants to curse her brain for having such a good memory, but also, she kind of wants to bless it. They're a bit confusing and very hard to deal with, these feelings that resemble paradoxes. Her heart hurts so much that lying in her bed with Sasha's pillow is the only thing she feels like doing, like she's paralyzed in a way. Yet, she doesn't want to forget the brunette, doesn't want to be mad that it ended, because- Jesus!- it felt so good while it lasted. She can't imagine who she'd be if she had never met the other girl, doesn't even want to know. She's changed in so many ways because of the other girl. She knows she's a much better person for having had her in her life.
So she just stays there and remembers the good times. She remembers the smiles and the happiness and the promises of a wonderful future and it's a very bittersweet process. Even though the break wasn't that rough, even though she knows it wasn't an ending to her life, it was an ending to their life together and that is excruciating. So for now, she lies silently and feels the hot tears pouring out of her eyes. They're not uncontrollable sobs, her chest is not heaving painfully with the exertion of crying, but still, the tears pour out of her and cover her cheeks. And she just lets them. Tomorrow, she'll start working on getting better, getting over what she's lost. But tonight, tonight she's allowed to wallow in it.
;;
The first few days are the absolute worst. Naomi calls off at work because getting out of her bed is hard enough without her worrying about working at all. It's a bit sad and a bit pathetic that all she feels like doing is stare at her ceiling and let her memory go over every single happy moment Sasha and her ever had.
She doesn't even text her boys. The blonde can't stomach seeing anyone, not even the people she loves the most apart from the brunette who was still her girlfriend not so long ago. For the first few days, it works. She gets the complete peace she wanted. Her mum calls once, but she only knows because she's got caller ID. She doesn't answer.
It doesn't take too long though before Cook, Freddie and JJ start calling as well. She doesn't answer them either. Of course, they're not her mother though and they live much closer. So, a week after the break up, they arrive on her doorstep. She knows it's them the moment she hears knocking. She tries to ignore it by closing her eyes. A bit like if her eyes are closed, then it's happening in her head and there's no one knocking loudly on her door.
It's not a big surprise though when Cook walks into her bedroom minutes later. All three of her musketeers have a spare key to her flat. They're her best mates after all. She's glad it's just Cook who walks in first, she doesn't feel ready to face the three of them at once just yet. She knows Freddie and JJ are there too though.
The boy approaches her slowly, so slowly that she feels like some wild animal that could jump him any minute. Of course he's got no way to know that she feels about as ready to move as a freaking Snorlax.
"D'Art?" Cook says carefully sitting next to her.
She doesn't look at him. The blonde is too busy staring at her ceiling for that. He doesn't ask questions though and takes off his shoes before laying on his back next to her, staring at the ceiling as well. It's so perfect that Naomi wants to cry.
Neither of them says a word for a long while. If she was feeling a tiny bit better, Naomi would be concerned about Freddie and JJ being ignored somewhere else in her flat. But she's not better so she doesn't really care.
"Sash and I broke up" she eventually says after what could be 5 minutes or 5 hours.
Her voice sounds rough because she hasn't used it in so long and because she's been crying so much. Cook doesn't react to what she's just admitted right away. He lets out a long sigh that Naomi echoes though. He drags his arms towards her after that and she lets herself melt into his chest. She hates herself a bit for starting to cry again the second she's close to him.
And once she's started, she just cries… hard. Cook doesn't say anything, he just holds her close and she's fucking grateful for that. There's nothing he can say anyway so she really does prefer that he's silent. He kisses her hairline once in a while and draws patterns on her back.
Naomi is almost self-conscious because the more she cries, the more her nose is runny and she's probably leaving her phlegm all over him. She probably looks a mess too. She keeps hiccupping in her friend's chest and she wishes she wasn't. She's a bit embarrassed, but she's just so miserable and it feels entirely too good to have someone hold her. She'd forgotten for a second how much she loves her friends.
Naomi isn't sure how long it takes before she calms down, but when she does, Cook still says nothing, just holds her. He lets the minutes pass before finally addressing her.
"When's the last time you've eaten?"
She shrugs her shoulders. He sits them down after that and the blonde lets him.
"I'm gonna find you summat to eat okay?" he says looking at her in the eyes.
She nods slowly, but she's not sure her stomach can take it.
"D'you want me to talk to Freds and Jay?" Cook asks softly.
If she wasn't so sad she'd make a joke about how considerate the boy is being. It feels so out of character for him to be so poised. But really, she's just glad he's stepping up for her. Naomi gives him a nod because she doesn't think she can say it again so soon. Yet, she wants her friends to know. He nods and leaves her on her own. She hears him talking somewhere in the flat and then the front door opening and closing.
She closes her eyes and breathes in slowly. When she exhales, her breath is shaky, just as shaky as she feels inside. She waits for a while, wondering if Freddie or JJ will come talk to her, but neither does. She smiles because they do know her pretty well, her boys. They're waiting for her to come out. It's that thought that brings her out of her room eventually, the thought that she could have just stayed there and they wouldn't have forced their presence on her.
She can tell they're pretty relieved though when she makes an entrance in the living room. They both give her a small smile and she hugs each one of the boy in turn.
"I've put a kettle on" Freddie says.
A few minutes later tops, Naomi is sitting on the couch and has a warm cup of tea in front of her. Freddie has his own too and is sitting right next to her. JJ puts something on telly and they watch in silence.
That's how Cook finds them when he comes back with a brown take-away paper bag.
"Chinese" he says pointing at the bag. "I got you a soup though D'Art, easier to stomach and shit"
Naomi gives him the first genuine smile she's done for days and Cook's whole attitude brightens. He settles the food on the coffee table and sits with them.
The rest of the afternoon goes a bit like this. They watch some telly and they eat. The boys start joking around, carefully at first, but grow more confident when Naomi doesn't shut them down. By the end of the day, JJ is performing his best magic tricks and Cook and Freddie are spurring him on raucously. Naomi feels better than she has for days. She keeps smiling from time to time and it feels good to have something to change her mind for a while.
When the night ends though and the boys need to go back home, she feels loneliness settling back in her chest. She loses her smile and wants to cry again. She hugs Cook and JJ goodbye and when it's Freddie's turn, he hugs her closer and whispers in her ear.
"You just remember that we love you and that it gets better after a while, alright hun?"
She nods against his neck and holds him tighter. When they're all gone and Naomi looks back at her flat, she doesn't feel as alone as she did moments ago and it's a relief.
;;
As the months pass, it does get better. Every day, Naomi feels a bit fuller, a bit more herself. Cook, JJ and Freddie play a massive role too. They're here for her like they always are and that helps reminding the blonde that she's never truly alone. Her mum comes to London for a few days too and, for once, Naomi is ridiculously glad for her presence and bubbly personality.
She develops a habit though, in the following months. She develops the habit of walking around town at night. It isn't the safest thing to do really, but when the emptiness of her apartment becomes too much, it's easier to face the emptiness of the streets instead. She likes the city at night, likes how it's a mix of quiet and loud, depending where she goes.
It's debatable whether this new thing helps her or not, because on the one part, it eases her mind but on the other, it's basically insomnia turned into night time strolls. In the end, it doesn't really matter because it's helping.
;;
After 8 months without Sasha, Naomi starts being fine. She laughs again and smiles again and jokes again. She goes out with Cook and Freddie and even goes for a drink with some of her co-workers sometimes. Life is going back to normal and when she thinks of the brunette, Naomi doesn't even want to cry anymore. There's no pressure in her chest, no feeling of overwhelming loss.
It's almost ironical then when, 4 months later, she gets a promotion at work making her a centre coordinator. It's ironical because the promotion comes with an offer to run one of a few centres in different locations around Britain. Naomi is gobsmacked when her boss tells her. They want her to run a Youth Centre. The irony truly hits when she checks her options and sees that they've offered her to run a Youth Centre in Glasgow. She wants to laugh and cry at the same time because here is exactly what she would have needed a year ago.
Naomi knows she'll take the offer the moment they offer it. Running a Centre is a dream of hers and there's no way she'll pass that up. She's not certain where she'll go though. It's a bit unsettling that she suddenly has a chance to move to Glasgow and for it to be right for her. It's a bit unsettling that she doesn't know if it's too late for that now.
The first thing she does when she gets home that night is call Sasha. It's been a year since she's talked to her so when she hears her surprised voice on the other end of the line, it nearly stuns her into silence. She pushes the shock away though and tells the brunette about her job offer. They make plans for Naomi to come to Glasgow the next weekend.
;;
Naomi arrives in Glasgow late on the next Friday night. She knocks on Sasha's front door and waits anxiously for the brunette to open it. She doesn't have to wait long before the door is opened for her and Sasha's greeting her with a shy, yet bashful smile. The blonde drops her bag and grabs the other woman in a hug and it feels like something completely familiar, but entirely new at the same time. Naomi still buries her nose in Sasha's hair though and revels in the closeness for the first time in a year.
"It's so good to see you" the brunette mutters and Naomi can only agree.
They move into the apartment after that and the rest of the night is spent talking and catching up. The blonde is all smiles when Sash tells her how well she's done for herself. The other woman's job is going ridiculously well, so well she got another promotion. Naomi is so proud of her. Then it's the blonde's turn to tell Sasha everything about herself and it's Sasha's turn to be proud.
The more they talk and the more Naomi thinks it's insane how easy it is. They talk and laugh and it feels just like old times. But they don't really touch and they certainly don't kiss. There's an intimacy between them that just seems to be missing. It's understandable though since it's been so long since they've seen each other. Still, Naomi really wonders where this will lead them.
;;
They spend the entire weekend together, Sasha and her. They go to dinner on the Saturday and visit the town a bit on Sunday. At the end of it though, they know they have to talk and, by then, Naomi is pretty sure they both know what will happen.
"It's not the same, is it?" Naomi says on Sunday evening.
Sasha looks at her meaningfully with a sorry smile.
"No, it isn't" she confirms.
The blonde nods along and although she feels disappointed, she's not in pain either. It's the weirdest feeling in the world being there with Sasha and realising she's just not in love with her anymore. Apparently, she's not the only one that feels like that.
"God…" the brunette exclaims with an eye roll. "It took me so long to get over us… I used to spend my nights imagining what life would have been like if you'd have gotten a job offer here and moved with me. I used to fucking torture myself with those dreams."
She pauses for a second, liking her lips nervously.
"And now… now it's exactly how I dreamed it and it's just… not the same. I worked so hard to move on… I guess I just… have" Sasha finishes with a finality that isn't lost on either of them.
"I know… I… worked hard too. I feel like I'm in the same place as you. I look at you and you're still this amazing person I loved so much. I recognize that, but… It's not us anymore"
The brunette nods and sighs. Naomi knows she's not heartbroken though, she's just as sad and disappointed as she is feeling herself. They don't dwell on the disappointment though and spend the rest of the evening enjoying each other's company. They may not be in love anymore, but it's clear that they both still care.
When Naomi goes back to London on Monday, she feels better than she's felt for the entire year because, even though things with Sasha didn't go like she had hoped they would, she still found something very precious in the north. She found closure.
;;
Naomi spends the next week looking into the different options she's got. So when she finally makes her choice, the blonde has thought it through as much as she possibly could.
In the end, she chooses to go to Bristol. She chooses it because it's the place where the centre has the most potential for development and also because it's her hometown. Naomi never imagined she'd want to go back, but she finds that the idea of going back feels really good. She organises everything with her boss and when she tells the news to her mum, the older woman is ecstatic.
Naomi hasn't even finished packing when she catches herself on her living room floor, writing out plans and projects she wants to do in Bristol. She's vibrating with energy, vibrating with hope and reams and ambition and she almost feels like she can fly.
When Cook, Freddie and JJ drive her to the train station later in the month, they're all pretty sad to see her go. Naomi doesn't worry much though this move won't end them. There never will be an end to them.
On the train, Naomi realises for the first time that she's going home, at long last. There's nothing that can deter her mood then. She's so ready for this, ready for her new beginning.
.
.
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I have absolutely no idea where a new beginning could lead Naomi... Right?Now, I know this is just not what you guys said you wanted in the reviews. But I've got a plan and i'm sticking to it. Also, I guess i'm really just one of those people who writes for themselves first, to write something they, above everyone else, will enjoy the most. I think you'll have to indulge my vision for this story here and I do hope you continue to enjoy this experience as much as I am! Your love and enthusiasm means the world and it's the best motivation ever. I know everyone says it, but more reviews make you write faster. Everyone is right. It's corelated. I promise :) xx
