"I'm here." He sounded so hurt that it brought her near the edge of tears again. She silently cursed herself for this fault, for she had not meant to give him the impression that he did not matter to her. She had simply forgotten to mention something, and now she had to excuse herself again. As soon as the misunderstanding was cleared, he would straightaway go back to questioning her, and her foundation in that was not very firm anymore, not after the second mistake.
She drew a deep breath and tried to appear as soft as she could. "You won't be. Not for very much longer. You'd already returned to the South Pass a month ago and only came back because Rothen asked you to. Even now, you're thinking about leaving again. Because that's part of you. Helping people. You won't give that up. Without you, what could I do?"
She knew immediately that she had hit his weak point, as the hurt expression in his eyes made place for something she decided was guilt.
"I'm sorry" he said, then suddenly straightened. "Why am I apologising? I'm not the one who should be explaining."
"There is nothing I have not already explained. To you. To your father. To everybody. Why can't you believe that I've been thinking about this a lot, I've been thinking for days. Is it so surprising for you that I made a decision you wouldn't have?"
"Is it so surprising for you that I want to make sure that you won't regret it? That I want to make sure that you'll be safe? It's dangerous out there, Sonea!"
"You think I don't know that? I've lived there almost my whole life! I learned how to defend myself with a knife when I was, what, four years old? I will be fine."
She stressed the last four words by looking straight into his eyes, and was more than puzzled to find a small smile spreading over his face.
"Come on, Sonea, let's stop playing hide and seek. You're not telling me something, you and I know that, and it's ridiculous. You can tell me."
She flinched. All the answers and sentences she had worked out and all the conversations she had gone through seemed to be torn apart in midair. She had no idea what she was supposed to say now. Only one thing came to her mind.
"No, I can't. I just can't."
"Of course you can. I already know more than everybody else."
"Yes, you do, and that's exactly the problem. Everybody else believes what I told them and nobody else asked any questions. At all."
"I'm not everybody."
She groaned. "Of course not. But…"
"What is the matter, Sonea? I know that you are hiding something, something you won't even tell Rothen. And that concerns me, because I know that he means a lot to you. So what is going on?" This time he really did get up to grab her hands and stare into her eyes. She found she could not drop her gaze even though she longed to. She knew that he only wanted her to be honest, and that he was worried.
"Dorrien." She said his name aloud to buy herself some more time to figure out exactly how she was going to say what she obviously had to say now. There was no way he would accept one of her excuses. As usual, those blue eyes had looked right through her cover.
"You must promise me not to tell anybody. Please."
He nodded once, his grasp on her hands suddenly firmer.
"I'm…" She hesitated, not sure how to put it the right way. "Akkarin and I…"
"Come on. Tell me."
Inhaling deeply, she closed her eyes tight so she would not have to see his reaction. "I'm pregnant."
He was silent for a time that seemed to last forever. Sonea started to feel fidgety, in the need of standing up and pace the room but she couldn't, for Dorrien still had her hands in his. She risked a glance at his face under her lashes and found him staring at her but not seeing.
Then, finally, he said, "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Little to no doubt possible."
"Do you want me to…?"
"No. I'm sure."
Anouther pause, fortunately shorter than the previous. "When did you find out?"
That was the first question she felt easy about, as if suddenly some tension had left the room. His reaction had surprised her. She had expected much worse.
"Two days ago."
"Did you go to the Higher Magicians right away then?"
She shook her head. "I couldn't. I hadn't decided yet."
"But you have now?"
"Yes."
He examined her again, even more closely this time. "Fine, then", he said and let go of her hands, straightening his back and sitting back on the bed.
She blinked in surprise. "What?"
"I am satisfied with that."
"That easily?"
At that, he laughed and shook his head. "If that was too easy for you, would you rather like me shouting a bit?"
She couldn't help but smile. "Thanks, but no thanks. I think I quite like it easy."
"I still don't like it", he said after a few moments of silence.
"You don't need to like it", she said slowly, she had not prepared herself for this, she'd been too sure that he would believe her excuses. "You know I made a choice."
He raised his hands as if defending. "I won't try to convince you again, I understand your decision. But that does not mean that I like it."
Sighing, she rolled her eyes. "What are you trying to say, Dorrien? I am listening."
"What if anything goes wrong? What if you need help? What if…"
"The magicians are not the only ones with knowledge about the human body", she interrupted. "There is a reason why thousands of people survive outside the city without you."
"I'd ask you to come and see me here, but I doubt you would agree."
She nodded. "Right. I wouldn't agree. Leaving here has a reason. And I'll be fine."
"Maybe… we could meet outside the gates", he suggested.
"Dorrien…"
"I don't like that you want to do this all on you own. Honestly, I do not feel comfortable about that. Please."
She was unable to meet his eyes so she stared at her hands folded in her lap. "I don't feel that good about this either. But you can't just stay here just because of me." Her throat tightened and she hoped she would not cry now.
Then a mischievous spark appeared in the healer's gaze. "What if I did not stay for you?", he asked.
Not understanding what he meant, Sonea didn't answer. Her thoughts seemed to flow slower that usual, which made it difficult to talk to him.
He gave a little smile. "You always wanted to help the poor."
"Yes", she said slowly, not knowing where this would lead, and she was too tired to ponder it longer, so she gave him what he asked for. This was the longest conversation she was having in weeks, and it exhausted her.
"What if I had convinced Lady Vinara to establish a hospital in the slums?"
"You did what?" Sonea jumped to her feet and looked at him closely.
"You're serious", she decided. "You really did?" Tears started to sting in her eyes.
"It was not that difficult. It seems that you were not the only one wanting to help", Dorrien said with a broad grin. "But that means that I won't be able to leave Imardin for at least three years, until everything works perfevtly. I'll be her for you as long as you need me, Sonea."
The tears she had been trying to hold back now flooded her eyes and ran down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry", she whispered and wiped her face. Sobs escaped her throat and shook her shoulders. "I just… can't believe it."
"You can. It's true."
"And I'm scared. And… tired."
"I know", he said, his voice soft and quiet. "I understand. Come here." He took her hands again and made her sit down on the bed next to him. Then he pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her so her head rested against his chest.
"There is nothing you have to worry about. I'm here."
Nevertheless, she found it impossible to restrain the tears. She remembered now that she had not cried properly since the Invasion, never more than a few silend teardrops. Dorrien's arms were firm and warm, and she felt safer than she had in a long, long time. She managed another excuse.
"You're exhausted", he murmured and shifted her to a more comfortable position. "Sleep, little Sonea. You'll be fine."
So, finally, here it is. This is not the end, of course. I am not yet finished with Sonea. But give me some time, please – there is other stuff waiting for me to work on, too.
Remember – Many reviews make the snow melt.
