Love and Vengeance by BynWho
Chapter 9 - The Sense of an Ending
Day 5. Endeavor. Unknown Regions.
Abby was going stir-crazy. It had been five days since she had first arrived in the Unknown Regions and she had been on the same routine for what felt like weeks. She kept a constant eye on the engines, which were running out of power faster than she had expected. Between watches, she would sleep, but it was never restful. She kept dreaming of her life before the war. The bittersweet memories were all that kept her going. Maybe she could have that life again. She could put her thirst for vengeance aside and just live. If she ever made it home, that is. She knew death would be close if she wasn't rescued. Abby estimated she had one, maybe two days left and that terrified her. There were so many things she wanted to say to her friends. And so many apologies that she owed, especially to Poe.
One year ago. New Republic Base. Naboo.
The war had been won. The First Order had disbanded and Kylo Ren denounced the dark side. Leia had her son back. Ben Solo exiled himself on the planet Ahch-To. The only visitors he allowed were his mother and the young Jedi, Rey. Abby continued to spy for General Organa and had brought back intel needed to destroy the Order. She had also been charged with the assassination of several of the Order's most influential leaders. It was a job she was happy to carry out since they had been partially responsible for the destruction of her home planet and her family along with it. Black, Red, and Blue Squadrons, led by Poe, had destroyed most of the First Order's fleet, while Finn and Rose had led a stormtrooper uprising. With no fleet, no leader, and very few ground forces, the remaining members of the First Order were forced to go into hiding.
A new government had formed. It was a resurgence of the Galactic Senate, however, this time Leia had made sure that member planets would retain their own autonomy. She had been nominated as chancellor for this new Republic, but politely declined. Leia preferred to stay on as General and help recruit for the new Defense Force. She also was in charge of routing the remaining forces that were loyal to the First Order.
Abby had been frustrated at her lack of progress in finding the remaining First Order forces. She was happy the war had been won, but she was still focused on vengeance. She wouldn't rest until all of the people directly responsible for her planet's destruction were punished or killed. It was a dark path she was going down. Those closest to her were worried about her. Poe noticed that Abby was slowly pulling away from her friends and from him. She took her meals in her quarters, preferring to eat alone. During sparring matches, she was closed off and distant. Abby was no longer playful or happy, instead she was serious and entirely too focused on her work. Poe was especially disappointed when she wouldn't flirt back with him.
"Hey, Abs, wanna go for a drink later? Finn and Rose are heading to that new cantina in town," he asked her.
"No thanks, Poe. You go ahead. I've got a lot of work to do. I leave for Chandrila in the morning," she replied without even looking at him.
Poe walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "C'mon, Abby, you just got back. We won! We need to celebrate! Have some fun for once! Let down your hair, have a drink, dance!"
Abby shook his hand away, "Excuse me if I don't feel like there's anything to celebrate. Hux is still out there somewhere. And others from the First Order. We need to catch them before they regroup."
"Look I wasn't going to say anything, but you really gotta tone it down with this vengeance stuff. I get that you want to make Hux pay, but you need to take care of yourself, Abs. Your friends miss you. I miss you."
She finally looked at him. He was grinning stupidly at her, probably already inebriated from the day's celebration. "Are you drunk, Poe?"
"Not nearly enough, sweetheart," he smirked. "Come with me, Abs. You deserve to relax." She huffed and turned back around to finish what she was doing. "What are you doing anyway?"
"I'm trying to find the parts to fix that damned droid over there. That R5 unit has a bad motivator," she answered.
Poe reached around her and looked through the parts in the bin. He was too close for her comfort. She could feel the heat radiating off of him. She shivered when his breath tickled her ear. He smelled like machine oil, leather, and alcohol. It was an odd combination, but Abby thought that she liked it. Her pulse quickened and she couldn't breathe. He grabbed at a part at the bottom of the bin and showed it to her. "This should do. Now, will you come with me to the cantina?"
Abby wanted to go and for a fraction of a second she thought she might. She missed Poe. She missed her friends. She wanted to be happy and revel in the festivities, but her conscience wouldn't allow it. How could she relax when there was still so much to do? She looked up and across the room she saw her daughter's ghost. It was a common occurrence now. Sage was always on her mind. No, she was resolved. She wouldn't allow herself to be happy until Sage was avenged. "I can't," she whispered. She snatched the part from Poe's hand and went off to the R5 unit to repair it. Hurt, Poe left.
888
Early the next morning, Abby was busy making preparations to leave when there was a knock at her door. She opened it to find a bleary-eyed Poe. "You're up early," she stated as she stepped aside, making room for him to come in.
"Thought I'd try to catch you before you left. We missed you last night," he told her. He looked around at her nearly empty quarters. The image she had of her family was framed and sitting on her bedside table. Next to it was a framed image of the two of them. He picked it up to look at it closely. It was taken at a party a few years ago, before the war had really started. Back when life made sense. Poe was laughing with his arm around her and she was looking up at him smiling. He couldn't remember what had been so funny, but he definitely remembered having a good time. His thumb caressed the image where her face was. Abby pulled the frame roughly out of his hand and slammed it back down on the table.
"Sorry," she apologized half-heartedly. They had already been through this. Why was he pushing her? "I told you that I had to get that droid working. I leave in an hour, Poe. What did you need?" she asked coolly.
"You'll be gone a week?" he asked. She nodded in reply. "I'm leaving, Abs. I'm done." Abby stared at him, not believing what she was hearing. "I want you to come with me. We can go anywhere you want. We can go to Yavin 4. My parents had a ranch there. We can go there and live out our lives and just… exist. Please say you'll go, Abby," he implored her.
Abby shook her head, "You know I can't just drop everything and go with you. I have a job here. So do you! We owe it to the galaxy to find the remnants of the Order. We can't let them get away."
Poe's shoulders sagged. Somehow he knew she would refuse him. He had to try, though. He loved Abby. "We owe it to ourselves to be happy, Abs. You can't do that here. You obsess over finding Hux. It's your Cause. And you're gonna die fighting it."
"It used to be your cause too," she said softly.
"No. Not like this. Abby, you're doing things I never thought you capable of. You murdered generals, for kriff's sake! They had already surrendered and you… you just… killed them!"
"I was following orders, Commander! Or have you forgotten how to do that?" she bit out.
It was a low blow. Poe took a step back. "You've changed, Abs."
"So what? We all change. Right now, nothing is more important than this. 'My Cause' as you called it. Nothing," she declared.
His heart breaking, Poe asked, "What about love, Abby? Is that important to you?" His voice was full of sorrow.
She turned away from him, tears spilling from her eyes. She wasn't about to let him see her cry. She needed to stay strong. "You're trying to smother me, Poe. I need to do this."
"Abby, I'm trying to save you from yourself," he took a deep breath and continued, "I'm in love with you, Abs."
Abby's heart dropped. She placed her hand over her mouth to muffle her cries. This was going to be harder than she thought. She couldn't go, but she also couldn't lose Poe. Abby collected herself. With her back still to him, she asked, "Can we talk about this when I get back? Please?"
Without a word, Poe turned and left. After the door shut behind him, Abby broke down and sobbed. His wasn't the only heart broken that day.
888
A week later Abby returned from Chandrila, her mission a success. She looked for Poe, but couldn't find him anywhere. They needed to make up from their fight earlier. She had decided to let him in and tell him how she felt about him. She tried the commissary and the hanger bay, but he wasn't there. She stopped by his quarters and knocked. The door, unlocked, opened on its own. The place was empty, save for a few pieces of furniture. "No," she backed out of the room. "No, no, no, no!" Abby ran to General Organa's office and knocked loudly. She opened the door before the General could invite her in. "Where's Poe?"
"Come in, Major. Have a seat," the General's voice was calm.
Frantic, Abby demanded, "Dammit, Leia, where is he? All of his stuff's gone!"
The familiarity in her demand caught Leia off-guard. She decided to overlook it this time. "Major. Sit. Down," Leia commanded the younger woman. Abby closed her mouth and sat. "He left the day after you did."
Abby couldn't believe it. "No, we agreed. He was going to wait until I got back so we could talk."
Leia continued, "He didn't tell me where he was going, just that he would be in contact. He said he needed some space. I felt it only right to grant his request after everything that he's done for us."
Abby broke down in tears, her whole body shaking with despair. She thought they had time to work this out. She thought Poe would wait for her. It never crossed her mind that he'd make the decision for the both of them. Leia stood and came over to wrap her arms around Abby. She rocked the crying woman as if she were her own daughter. If Leia were honest, she thought of herself as a surrogate mother to all of them and it hurt her when one of her children was in pain. "Did you two have a falling out?" she gently asked.
"He told me he loved me. And I brushed him aside, like he was nothing! Oh, Leia, what have I done?" she asked between sobs. She sat up and looked at the older woman. "It hasn't been that long," Abby said as she stood and started to pace the room. "I can track him. What ship did he take? Did he say where he was headed?"
"Abby…"
"I know he has a place on Yavin 4, maybe he'll go there first."
"Abby…"
"I can be ready to leave in an hour."
"Abby!" Leia got her attention. "Let go. Give him some space. When he's ready, he'll come back."
Abby shook her head, "No, I at least need to tell him how sorry I am. He needs to know that I love him. He doesn't know. He thinks… Oh kriff, he thinks I don't love him, Leia! Please, help me!"
Leia looked at the floor and sighed. She promised Poe that she'd give him space. It's what he needs. It's what they both need. She denied Abby's plea. "Abby, take some time off and rest. Take a week. Afterwards, you can go back to work." As Abby started to protest, Leia added, "That's an order, Major."
After Abby left her office, Leia sat down hard behind her desk and rested her head in her hands. She could feel the heartbreak so deeply that it hurt. She had been that in love once. Leia sat up and stared, unseeing, at the pile of holopads on her desk. She sat there in silence as she thought of her late husband, Han, and her tears silently fell.
