DISCLAIMER: I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White, or any of the convention videos from YouTube, where the lines come from

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Disney, Grimm's Fairy Tales, or Hallmark Channel's version of Snow White. Oh, and if you think about it…If I owned FMA, would this really be a fantasy, hmm?

CLAIMER: I own Rory Fox Mustang and "The Book".

A/N: I missed Rory to smithereens. So, despite the fact that I sniff am not as devoted as I used to be…seeing as I still celebrate Royai Day, I should at least try to finish this thing. I'll try. Anyway, this chapter is marked with Archer OOC-ness. But then again, they all have to be OOC as the fairytale part of the story is meant to be twisted beyond all reason.

This chapter veers horribly away from the original storyline of Snow White. I'd meant to borrow elements from the Hallmark version, but that went out the window instead. And the freakish names for the places come from my playing Kingdom of Loathing for too long. Sorry, am addicted to the point-and-click online game…though I'm not interested in Player-versus-Player combat yet.

But I digress…this should be about Royai, dangit. Well, not this chapter anyway…it's devoted to Archer-bashing. I think Archer-bashing is getting redundant through this plot…but I couldn't really think of another character to bash. However, Rory should explain things in time. She always has an explanation.


Snow White and the Eight Dwarves
A Corrupted Fairytale By: N.C. Stormeye

Chapter Eight: The Plot Thickens To The Point Of Congealing

King Archer was, admittedly – and it pains me to admit it – intelligent…albeit in a very strange way. And so, when he realized that his step-son and his object of – this is really disturbing – desire were beginning a blossoming romance, the twisted little cogs and wheels in his mind started spinning rapidly out of control, trying to concoct an evil devious scheme to separate them.

While Queen Karin was asleep – which was pretty common as she was an old lady, admittedly – Smarmy-Archer (We'll dispense with 'King', as "Smarmy" is more fitting.) would pad down to his Ultra Super-Secret Lair underneath the castle and plot his step-son's demise. After agonizing hours of thinking and re-thinking, he came up with a deceptively simple plan.

Kill Prince Roy.

But, seeing as Smarmy-Archer wasn't given to dirtying his hands himself, he came up with a suitably convoluted ten-step plan to rid himself of Prince Roy forever…all while seducing – ehem – charming the Princess of Hawk's Landing (Smarmy-Archer does not know her name, which gives Roy brownie points.) into falling for him (Smarmy-Archer) and getting his hands on her considerable fortune. The convoluted plot went like this:

Step One: Contract a lackey, preferably a female one…but a pseudo-male one (or a eunuch) would do nicely as well. However, a female one would be much more palatable to seduce – ehem – induce into carrying out the evil plot.

Step Two: Have lackey lead Prince Roy into the castle's Hall of Mirrors (a.k.a. Smarmy-Archer's Dressing Room) through an alternate entrance.

Step Three: Lackey will leave Prince Roy in the Hall of Mirrors and rush to the Hidden Back-Door to Unknown Realm concealed in the rear castle wall. It will be conveniently open. Lackey will lock door behind her/him. (Again, preferably her.)

Step Four: Lackey will enter Unknown Realm (which isn't really Unknown, just Rarely Visited) and hide in a certain Copse of Gnarled, Spooky, Perverted Groping Trees that make Menacing Figures when one is Running Through Them Like A Hysterical Duck.

Step Five: Smarmy-Archer will enter Hall of Mirrors, feign surprise at Prince Roy's presence in the Hall, and, through the course of a 'fatherly' conversation, hand him a key to the Hidden Back-Door to Unknown/Rarely Visited Realm with the temptation that in said Hidden Back-Door to Unknown/Rarely Visited Realm is a crop of the rarest flowers in the kingdom that will be sure to win a lady's heart. Smarmy-Archer will conveniently forget to mention, however, that said flowers are guarded by a herd of horny (as in 'unusually covered in horns') and aggressive warthogs who are usually in heat (making them even more aggressive than usual, and inclined to gore people) this time of year.

Step Six: Prince Roy will enter the Hidden Back-Door to Unknown/Rarely Visited Realm where Lackey will be waiting, having isolated a particularly pissed-off warthog and tipped its many horns in poison. (How that is to be done is up to the lackey.)

Step Seven: Lackey will unleash the poisoned warthog upon Prince Roy who – of course – will kill it easily. However, while Prince Roy is occupied killing the warthog, Lackey will usher in a burly Woodsman to stab Prince Roy to death.

Step Eight: While Lackey and Woodsman are busy stabbing Prince Roy to death, Smarmy-Archer will – as if in a state of distraction – approach the Princess of Hawk's Landing and inform her that Prince Roy has gone missing.

Step Nine: Lackey and Woodsman will strip Prince Roy of his jacket and/or overshirt (in medieval times there were a lot of articles of clothing) and bloody it considerably. They will then hang aforementioned piece of bloody clothing on a branch near the entrance of the Copse of Gnarled, Spooky, Perverted Groping Trees that make Menacing Figures when one is Running Through Them Like A Hysterical Duck. Smarmy-Archer will then inform the Princess of Hawk's Landing of his conclusion that Prince Roy was ripped to shreds by the Gnarled, Spooky, Perverted Groping Trees that make Menacing Figures when one is Running Through Them Like A Hysterical Duck, and gored to death by the a herd of horny (as in 'unusually covered in horns') and aggressive warthogs who are usually in heat (making them even more aggressive than usual, and inclined to gore people) this time of year. The Princess of Hawk's Landing will grieve considerably with Smarmy-Archer, who will pull a distraught act. In the process of grieving, Smarmy-Archer will charm with Princess of Hawk's Landing into seeing the light and falling in love with him. Sub-Plan "Landing on the Hawk" ensues. (We don't want to go there…believe me.)

Step Ten: Lackey and Woodsman will return to Smarmy-Archer bearing Prince Roy's spleen as proof that the deed has been done.

Archer was suitably overjoyed at his complicated plot, and was sure that it would bring about Prince Roy's imminent demise. He hooted and cackled, doing a weird ceremonial dance around his Ultra Super-Secret Lair while preening in front of his Magic Mirror. He even asked the Magic Mirror if the plan would be successful. To this, the mirror replied, "…It's too effing convoluted to understand, much less predict the success rate of."

Smarmy-Archer took that as a 'yes'. If his all-knowing Magic Mirror could not understand his plot, how much more could mere mortals such as Prince Roy and the Princess of Hawk's Landing?

Dun dun duuuuuun…

--000--000--000--

"Wait, why do you hate Archer so much anyway?" Havoc turned to Rory. She shrugged her shoulders

"Long story. I'll tell you guys if we have enough time after we finish this thing." She replied.

"How much longer is this going to be?" Fuery said nervously, eying the door. The minutes kept ticking by.

Rory stared at the clock, and stared at the book, weighing the pages in her hands. "Okay, Havoc, you're fired as the Reader of the Book. Who's good at reading things aloud fast?"

All eyes turned to Sciezska who timidly looked down. Rory, with much care, handed the book to her. The red leather-bound volume in her hands seemed to cast a spell on the bookworm. With a newfound confidence, she sat up ramrod-straight and cleared her throat.

"Here goes…"


A/N: Okay, so that was a bit of a nothing-happens chapter. I'm sorry, but my plot bunnies died and I had to buy new ones! Rest assured, the story does not go the way Archer's plan goes...in fact, it's going in an entirely more twisted direction.

I've yet to get back into the groove. Sorry for the disappointing chapter!! BTW, I need some help. Since Rory will not know about the homunculi - those I was originally casting as seven of the eight dwarves - who can I cast in their place? Any ideas? Leave a review with your suggestion. It will be much appreciated.