Usual disclaimers…
You wanted to know everything…
The limo ride was a nightmare of vague innuendo, double entendre, and cute comments. Sheldon and Amy chose not to answer and attempted to redirect the questioning, but to little avail. Once they got to the restaurant, the girls dragged Amy to the ladies room and the boys dragged Sheldon to the bar area. And the gloves came off.
"Did you and Sheldon have sex?" Penny asked.
Amy shook her head, "This really isn't an appropriate time to discuss this. I know let's save it for girls' night…"
Bernadette smiled brightly, "Surprise! It is girls' night." Her eyes narrowed, "Now. Spill."
"That's what she said! BAM!" Padma punched the air as she came out of a stall. The other 3 women turned and looked at her with their mouths open, "What? And the rest of this conversation isn't a disgrace to this fine toilet area?"
"Thank you, Padma." Amy said, checking herself in the mirror, "This conversation is over."
Amy fled the ladies room, in world of pique. First they break into her hotel room, ruining a perfectly lovely "nap" that she had been waiting 2 years for, then they won't stop grilling her. It might be different if Amy had had a chance to process the information in her own mind. She had never felt this annoyed with Penny or Bernadette. She found Sheldon skulking in beverage station. "How was boy talk?"
"Crude." Sheldon took her arm and led her to a quiet part of the bar. "I have never been remotely interested in hearing about their myriad of disappointing sexual encounters, yet they feel they have the right to every minute detail of our," he lowered his eyes, shyly, "of our "nap.""
"The girls are the same way, although I have expressed some interest in their sexual encounters, I don't think I've ever made one of them flee the restroom." Amy sighed, "They want every minute detail."
Sheldon pulled Amy toward him by the silk scarf around her neck, "It would serve them right if we gave it to them."
She laughed, "ooh, in minute, graphic, clinical detail. That'd show them."
Sheldon's face glowed with inspiration, "Over dinner… Amy, such things are not considered appropriate dinner conversation, is that correct? Especially not in minute, graphic, clinical detail?" he stared deeply into her eyes when he said this.
"Hoo." Amy grinned, leaning up and kissing Sheldon's cheek, whispering in a sultry voice, "Oh, Dr. Cooper, I love it when you get technical." They discretely ducked inside the family restroom for a little snogging and plotting.
Once the group had settled around the table, Sheldon and Amy simply waited for the topic to come up again. Because both had been suitably offended and upset by the earlier lines of questioning, it took until the third bottle of wine had been finished and the entrees had been served before Howard said something. "You crazy kids sure must have worked up an appetite."
Sheldon's hand grazed Amy's leg under the table, operation "you can't talk about that at dinner!" was a go!
"It would seem that you all have questions about the time Amy and I spent together in my hotel room, this afternoon." Sheldon noted, "That is fair to say, correct?"
The table nodded, avidly and Raj called out, "You bet your ass!"
"In that case, as our friends, if you wish to understand the nature of our activities so badly, we have no choice but to share the whole of the experience with you. Sheldon, would you like to begin?
"Thank you, Amy." He rose to address the group, "This afternoon, I invited Amy to take a nap with me. This was a ruse, my true motivation, though I had scarcely admitted it to myself, was to engage her in a session of osculation and frottage... Leonard, Bernadette, would one of you take care of translating for Penny? She already looks confused." He turned to his girlfriend, "you knew what I was doing, correct, this isn't a shock?"
Amy shook her head, a model of professorial detachment, "On the contrary, I am glad to know I was correct about your motivations, please continue."
"Assuming the group has a full knowledge of basic human reproductive cues on an evolutionary, and a socio-economic level, as well as a full familiarity of the seven points of compatibility as posited on , we will attempt to break this down into its smallest essential parts for you edification. The atoms that make up the molecule of the Non-penetrativesexual activity that Amy and I enjoyed this afternoon." Sheldon paused, "Are there any questions before we proceed with our presentation?"
Leonard raised his hand, "Why are you doing this to us?"
"Excellent question, Dr. Hofstadter, very glad you asked." Sheldon smiled, creepily, "First y'all barged in, wait…no, first y'all broke into Amy's hotel room. Then y'all asked about what we were doin' and then y'all wouldn't shut up about it. You demanded "to know everything" so now y'all are goin' to listen to everythin', and if I hear any more guff, Amy can conjure up a highly disturbin' visual production of similar behavior in small primates on her iPad that'll prove that a picture is worth a thousand words." The twang was enough to keep asses in their seats, "Now, I will proceed…"
Amy almost swooned with delight as Sheldon went alpha dog on wolf pack that was their peer group. While she waited for her part of the presentation, the presence of sex hormones in bodily fluid…. Also she would use the hickey on her neck as a visual aid during the discussion of osculation vs mastication equaling pleasure induced hematoma... She thought about the "nap".
After the kiss ended… the first kiss Sheldon had ever given her, he pulled back and gazed into her eyes as if searching for something. She beamed up at him, her face a picture happiness and contentment. He grinned back down, looking so relieved that it almost broke her heart. "More please," Amy whispered pulling his face to hers, closing her eyes, parting her lips and waiting patiently. Instead of kissing her lips, he tilted her chin up and nuzzled her neck, gently nipping and sucking when he arrived at a pulse point. His hands were still buried in her long tangled locks. Sheldon pinned her to the bed with his body and she marveled at how much bigger and stronger he seemed at this moment, it made her feel protected yet in his power. "Hoo." Hearing her sweet owl-like cry, Sheldon sank his teeth into Amy's neck and sucked gently on the flesh…
Her reverie was broken by her sexy yet vampiric boyfriend, calling her name, "Dr. Fowler, you are up."
Smoothly, she rose to her feet, hoping her face wasn't too flushed by her naughty musings, "Thank you, Doctor Cooper." She turned to the group, "Doctors, Howard, Penny," she removed the silk scarf from her neck display an obvious medium sized round bruise at just below her jaw, "This is a hematoma that Dr. Cooper gave me during this afternoon's activities. Assuming that we all know how bruises, colloquially known as "hickeys" are formed, I would like to trace this behavior as related to the evolution of species. Our example will be the howler monkey…"
Sheldon sat back in his chair, staring affectionately at his girlfriend while tuning out what she was saying. Amy had kindly warned him that he might find the mating rituals of the howler monkey unappealing and therefore he was welcome to not listen what she was saying. Amy was amazing. She was so loving, so smart, so delicious and so kind when they were alone, then she could dominate their social group with the sheer power of her will and her grasp of primate sexual behavior… This really was a devilish idea, which he might have come up with on his own, but he never would have needed it. Sheldon felt like he might be getting better at judging cues from humans. Looking at his friends squirming in their seats, staring at their untouched entrees… one thought blazed across his brain. "Good. Next time they won't need to be told." The idea had twang. It disturbed Sheldon, slightly, how easily he slipped back into to his Texan accent when angry, it bothered the hell out of him that he lost all control of it… when napping. He felt his ears turn bright red just thinking about it.
"Amy, darlin'" he groaned, taking her lips again. Darlin'? Where did that come from? He didn't dwell on it too much, losing himself in her sweet tasting kiss. So soft and wet and hot. She truly was his darlin'. He supposed calling her that was fine… Hopefully he wouldn't call her that in public. To hell with public, his inner Texan chided him, why would we ever want to get off this bed?
His Inner Texan (Sheldon refused to acknowledge the voice as his father's. His mother ruled the guilt center, apparently Daddy had set up shop in the limbic system.) had a lot of good ideas about activities that should be pursued while he had Amy pinned to the bed, flushing with pleasure, making adorable little owl noises… One that Sheldon particularly liked… he began kissing his way down from her lips, to her chin, over the tender flesh of her neck, moving downward until his lips felt the smooth silk of her night gown. He ran his hands over her breasts gently palming them, rubbing the nipples with his thumbs thinking, "Suck it, She-hulk! I know where second base is." Amy hooted in a breathless voice. "Amy, darlin'" his voice was so low it sounded feral.. "I want to move your nightie, a little…" With speed that spoke of great enthusiasm, she slipped the shoulder straps down her arms and shimmied the garment lower on her body, her bare breasts right in front of his face, his mouth… his hands.
"Is that okay, baby?" Amy asked, her eyes wide. He smiled up at her, loving the endearment. If she didn't mind be called darlin' he had no issue with being her baby.
Nodding, he buried his face between the soft mounds breathing in the clean scent of her skin. Unbidden came the voice of Howard Wolowitz describing the practice of "motor boating". Sheldon chose to refrain, instead concentrating on the feel of her skin against his face, the hitch in her breathing when he moved to her left breast and slowly sucked her nipple into his mouth. Gasping with pleasure, he felt her fingers pull at his hair, finding not much grab onto, she pulled him closer by his ears. He found himself rubbing his lower body against hers… hard and hot… rhythmically. The friction of the flannel surrounded on two sides by warm aroused flesh was indescribable and incredible, feeling slighting unbalanced, he bite down on her nipple, sucking harder on it, making her cry out his name in conjunction with a deity neither believed in…
Wonderful, now in real time Sheldon also had an erection. Having no choice, he tuned in to what Amy was saying about mucus, hoping that would settle down his pants situation. Judging from the looks on his friends' faces, it certainly was calming things down in their pants… listening for a second, Sheldon had to concede that monkey sex maybe wasn't something he wished to be involved in.
"Dr. Cooper," Amy asked, smiling at him, "is there anything you'd like to add before we open the floor to questions and then begin our closing statements?"
"Yes, Dr. Fowler, I'd like to pose a question to the group. Are you all still curious about our non-penetrative sexual habits?" The group shook their heads, "Will you all be content to wait for us to come to you if we have something we wish to discuss with you?" They nodded in unison, "Dr. Fowler, I propose that you and I skip the closing statements and open Q&A session and take the limo back to the hotel. Do you agree?"
Amy gazed at the contrite faces, shell shocked faces, "I don't know. They really had this coming…"
Bernadette rose, "Point made! Go off with him… do that upside down grooming thing, just don't talk about it… have a fantastic evening!"
"Excellent idea, Bernadette. Everyone…" Amy smiled, "All is forgiven, but remember, we could have easily done a 2 hour presentation." She extended her hand to Sheldon and helped him to his feet. "Let's go!"
