Cheering myself by updating - hope you all enjoy!


It was dark when Harry awoke, briefly savouring the now-unfamiliar feeling of waking up with someone in his bed. Or rather, his spare bed. With a small groan, he forced himself upright, seeing that Nikki had seemed to free herself from the duvet during the night, and was lying uncovered beside him. As he got out of bed, he pulled the bedding over her, his fingers brushing her calves as he did so. Her skin was so cold.

Leaving the spare room, with one final glance at his sleeping friend, he headed for the bathroom. Normally, Harry would spend the morning mulling over the details of the case he was due to present in court, but that day, his only focus was his worry for Nikki. It was painfully obvious that she had not been herself the day before and Harry was at a loss for what to do, how to help.

The warm water washed over him, but didn't seem to make him feel any better.

He was glad that Leo had agreed to come and stay with Nikki while he was out. Although how he was going to broach the subject with her, he didn't know; she probably wouldn't take kindly to him babysitting her. No matter, thought Harry. She could be angry with him if she wanted; it would be better than the silence, or the tears.

Thoroughly clean, Harry stepped from the shower and dried himself, before wrapping the towel around his waist and heading to his own bedroom. Selecting a black suit and tie from the wardrobe, his appearance in court requiring him to be more smartly dressed than the office usually did, he dressed quickly, and draped the tie around his neck. He couldn't resist checking on Nikki, despite only being away from her for 15 minutes at the most.

The bed was empty.

"Nikki?!"

"I'm here, Harry," he heard her call from downstairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, there she was. Standing there in his t-shirt and shorts, hair tangled from sleep, and clutching two steaming mugs. In happier circumstances, Harry would have thought that she looked like a dream.

"I made you a drink," she continued.

"I see that," said Harry. He realised he was staring and coughed quickly, making his way down the stairs and taking the mug of coffee from her hand. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Don't worry about it." She didn't meet his gaze as she spoke.

They stood in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs, in silence for a few moments, awkwardly sipping their drinks. Harry didn't know what to say and Nikki didn't want to say anything. She looked at the floor, Harry looked at her.

As soon as Nikki finished her tea, Harry took the mug from her.

"Thank you for the coffee," he said, earnestly.

"Least I could do," Nikki mumbled in reply, finally looking up at him, granting him the smallest of small smiles.

He nodded, taking their empty mugs to the kitchen and putting them in the sink, alongside the dishes from their dinner the night before. As he did so, the phone in his jacket pocket began to ring.

Harry leant against the kitchen counter as he looked at the screen and touched 'answer'.

"Leo?"

"Harry, I'm stuck in traffic, won't be at yours for a while yet."

Harry hadn't noticed that Nikki had followed him from the stairs, but saw her now as she came to stand right in front of him. He watched her as he half listened to Leo speculate about which route across London would be easiest, would avoid the worst of the morning rush hour.

"That's fine Leo, whenever you can get here is fine."

Nikki took the tie that Harry had chosen but not tied, and began knotting it neatly, deftly sliding the knot to Harry's neck. Her face was creased in concentration and her fingers brushed his skin as she fastened the top button of his shirt and smoothed the collar over the tie, before finally looking up at him.

Harry didn't even know what he had said to Leo, just that the call had ended somehow. Nikki's gesture had seemed too intimate for words and for the interruption of his boss.

"You never tie it properly," she said, almost a whisper.

The world stopped for a moment as Harry looked at Nikki, and she looked back. The air between them was still; Harry felt frozen, wanting to hold that moment and forget everything he'd ever known about court and fires and hospitals.

It was Nikki that broke the spell.

She stepped back slightly. "Why is Leo coming over?"

Harry sighed. "He wanted to see you, he's worried about you. Plus, I don't want to leave you alone today…" He tailed off, hoping that Nikki would focus on the former, rather than the latter, reason for Leo's presence.

She didn't say anything though, so Harry hoped she was not too unhappy with his plan.

"Help yourself to any food you want, obviously. Make yourself at home, what's mine is yours, and all that," Harry continued as he started to make his move towards the front door. He had to leave soon, or else he would be late, but was dreading leaving Nikki alone. He couldn't bear to think of her having a flashback like she had the previous night and him not being there for her.

"You can text me as well, of course. Just let me know if you need me and I'll try and get home as soon as I can."

He was at the front door by this point, Nikki following him mutely as he pulled his coat on over his suit jacket.

"Leo won't be long. He's bringing you some clothes from Janet, but we can sort out some more clothes for you later, okay?"

Nikki nodded. She knew that she wouldn't be texting Harry while he was in court, sure that she could manage a few hours without him, as much as she didn't want to. Besides, she hadn't even grabbed her phone, in the rush to leave her burning home.

"I don't want to leave you," Harry told her, sadly, reaching for her and pulling her into a tight hug. She let him hold her against him and whispered "I know".

Being so close to Harry was comforting to Nikki, his solidness holding her tight.

"Tell me you will be alright?"

"I will, Harry," she said, her face buried in his dark wool coat.

He sighed, hating the fact he had to be anywhere else.

"I have to go; I'll be back as soon as I can."

He tore himself away and headed into the cold morning, thinking only of the moment when he could return home.

-X-

It was almost an hour before Leo arrived at Harry's front door, anxious to see his friend and colleague.

"Nikki," he greeted, when she opened the door.

"Hi Leo," she replied, forcing a smile. "What's this?"

Leo was partially obscured by a large bunch of flowers he was holding.

"Flowers, they wouldn't let me bring them to hospital. Can I come in?"

Nikki stepped back, letting Leo into the hallway, where he set down the flowers on the sideboard.

"I've also got a card," he handed Nikki a lilac envelope, "and some clothes I borrowed from Janet. I hope they are okay." Leo was blushing slightly at the thought of Nikki wearing his girlfriend's clothes, and was glad that Janet had been able to pick everything out for Nikki, so he didn't have to.

"Thank you," said Nikki, taking the card and clothes from Leo. She felt suddenly self-conscious in Harry's shorts. "Let me go and change clothes, then I'll make you a coffee, and maybe some breakfast?"

"That sounds great Nikki, I'm glad you're okay." He kissed her lightly on the cheek and made his way through the familiar house.

Nikki headed upstairs and quickly changed. Janet's jeans didn't quite fit, but the two women were the same size in shoes, and Nikki was glad to put on some normal clothes; it helped her feel a bit more like herself.

Once back downstairs, she busied herself with the coffee machine again. Keeping her mind and her hands occupied helped stop the memories of the fire from intruding, allowing her a semblance of normality. If there was one thing Nikki knew she didn't want, that was to break down in front of Leo.

"How are you Nikki? Really?" Leo asked once they were both sitting down at the kitchen table.

"Well," she sighed. "The doctors said that my lungs weren't too badly damaged, gas transfer is good according to my blood gases. The damage done to my red bloods cells recover in a couple of months. Other than that, I sprained my ankle, I must have fallen down the stairs while I was getting out? But that is okay. It hasn't been bothering me too much, only an ache. Just cuts and bruises, really."

Leo nodded. "And Harry's looking after you?"

"Of course." She sipped her coffee, hoping that the forced smiles would be enough to satisfy Leo's curiosity. It seemed so, because Leo then moved to easier topics. What the weather was like, how his research was going, his upcoming holiday with Janet. It was just easier. Nikki let Leo describe the small hotel that he had booked while Nikki searched Harry's fridge for something for them to eat.

She interrupted Leo: "How about eggs on toast? Harry doesn't have much in, I'm afraid."

Leo put the bread in the toaster, while Nikki collected a frying pan and oil from the cupboards. Glad to have something else to focus on, she ignited the hob.

As soon as the stove was lit, Nikki's heart started to race. The flicker of the flame was all she could see, the movement all too familiar. In her mind, she was back there, in the flat that the flames had engulfed. She had to get out.

Managing to mumble something like "I'll be back in a minute" to Leo, who was gathering butter to put on toast, she almost ran from the kitchen. Upstairs, in the room she had slept in, she threw the window wide open, drinking in the cold air, but it didn't help her panicked state. Her breaths came deep and fast, her fingers tingled, chest tightening every moment and nausea turning her stomach. Letting herself collapse onto the floor, sitting below the window, the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

Although she'd never experienced it before, she knew this was a panic attack. Every sign and every symptom was there.

How could she have been so stupid? She cruelly chastised herself. Every thought of flames or heat seemed to push her dangerously close to losing control, but she thought she could cook something?

Helpless to stop them, tears continued to fall.

I can't look after myself. I can't cook, she thought. I am just pathetic.

It wasn't long before Leo started to question her abrupt departure. He found her, still sitting on the floor against the wall, clearly out of breath, with damp cheeks.

"Oh Nikki," Leo said, sadly.

There was no response; she closed her eyes more tightly and pulled herself into a tight ball, arms wrapped around her legs.

Nikki could tell that Leo was unsure what to do; hug her, like Harry would? Wait until she stood, then comfort her with a fatherly hand on her shoulder? He was uncomfortable, that was painfully obvious to Nikki, even in her distracted state.

"I'm fine, Leo," she whispered.

"You clearly aren't," he replied quietly. He waited in the doorway, as Nikki visibly tried to calm her breathing, as well as the images of flames and burning and charred flesh that filled her mind. She could almost smell the smoke and was struggling to shut it out.

"Oh god, why is this happening," she whispered, a few minutes later, when she had settled a little, outwardly at least.

"It's normal, Nikki. You've been through something awful. This is a normal reaction," said Leo, kindly, offering his hand and pulling her up from the floor. He opened his arms and let her step into a gentle hug, holding her awkwardly, as if she were made of breakable porcelain. So different, she realised, to the tight embraces from Harry, who would hold her tightly, anchoring her to the ground.

It wasn't long before they had headed downstairs to try again with breakfast. Leo did all of the cooking this time, while Nikki lingered outside the kitchen and focussed on staying calm.

"Does Harry know you are having panic attacks?" Leo asked gently, as they sat with their plates of eggs in front of them.

"I suppose. I had a nightmare last night, a flashback," replied Nikki, not making eye contact with her boss. "I didn't think I would have any more. Didn't realise the flame would cause it. Silly me." She tried a smile, but they both know her heart wasn't in it.

"Would it help, do you think, to see someone about it, sooner rather than later?"

Nikki didn't reply, just shrugged. The rest of the morning passed them uneventfully. Leo watched Nikki, uneasy and expecting her to have another attack. Nikki watched the clock, counting down the minutes until Harry came back.


Thoughts? Would love to hear from you, as always :)