The Secret Life of the Nazgul
The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part VII
Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.
Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.
The story of poor Nazgul #5 Part VIII
Disclaimer: Nazguls are part of Lord of the Rings which belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien. I am not Tolkien. Conclusion: Nazgul are not mine. And every other thing also isn´t.
Summary: If you were a Nazgul, what would you do with your spare time? I mean, you had 3000 years after the war to spend your time...and look at the life of the Nazguls through the eyes of #5.
Cooking classes.
Cooking. Classes.
Cooking? Classes?
Cooking!!!!!
WTF?
OK..Looky has officially lost it. Why should we cook for those Orcs? I mean...hello-ho?
Except from the sheer insanity of it itself.
1) I don´t want to.
2) I can´t cook. (I was a king once. Do you really believe I can do more than boiling water? And now that I´m a Nazgul...I don´t go near fire. No Way!)
3) Have I mentioned loss of senses? I don´t have taste buds anymore.
4) Why even cook for Orcs? They happily indulge in cannibalism if they need to.
5) I hate the orcs!
6) ...I hate to repeat myself, but WTF?
#1 has told us those news on a particulary gloomy day. (Yes, all the days in Mordor are gloomy, but that was just asking for something bad to happen. I swear, destiny is picking on me.) I hate it! Sauron siad it was not exactly healthy what the orcs were eating all along and he made them go on a diet. And to maintain the strength of his troops he must provide food. Or force us to do that. How I hate him...
#1 himself didn´t look too thrilled with the idea. And he is Sauron´s favorite -I´ll do anything for the guy more powerful than me- daddy´s boy. Creepy...
Surprisingly (or very much not surprising at all) this idea has struck some chords among us. Among several of us.
#4 clapped his hands cheerily and stated that this would be "total fun and cute".
Ever seen a Nazgul say "cute"? New meaning of the word bizarre.
And the lunatic called #7 just ran off to fetch some wood, a torch, dead meat and a bit of Saruman´s exploding powder...I don´t care whether that is enthusiastic, honorable, scary or obedient...I say he´s a pyromaniac and endangers us all.
Hey, it´s only 9 Nazgul. We are an endangered species: just few individuals, our natural environment is under attack (stupid humans, stupid elves, stupied hairy non-dwarves..and dwarves...how I hate dwarves!) and our chance of reproducing is lower than 0. Zero, zero-zero. Minus chances of reproducing. (In my past life I would have ticked out at that. But apparently being dead/undead/nazguilish drastically reduces your sex drive. Or it is the fact that you´re surrounded by orcs...beats me.)
Of course has #1 already started to prepare. By organizing some cooking books.
I was only mildly surprised that #2 took that literally and tried to cook his book. It couldn´t have hurt if he had been using actually boiling water and a kettle- instead of just mud and a rock.
#9 is trying to make up for his last -very embarassing - escapades (you don´t wanna now. I am currently occupied by erasing that two days from my memory) by not screwing this up. I could have told him he was holding that thing upside down. But I didn´t felt like it...
Me? Oh, I had a tremendous idea: why not asking someone who can cook? Ok, I admit:
I wanted to go away and hide. But she can cook. Sort of...I guess domestic abilities just come with females by birth...but she´s great.
I think we´re just on the same wavelength. We could spend days together, just talking. Oh boy, has she such a sweet voice...Am I sounding dreamy again? But...Shelob is something. She is the one in a million.
And she lets me hide in her lair when #1/Looky/orcs are looking for me. Which I am currently doing.
Spent a terrific day with Shelob. I tell you, she has some designer talents. Those cob webs everywhere...neat. And she introduced me to her babies...all the 23.446 of them. I felt so fuzzy inside. Dreamy alert!
Was holding hands (sort of) with Shelob. Amazing day!
Were disturbed by an explosion. I am sorry to leave her now, but I´ll come back as soon as I sneaked my way out of responsibility and guilt accusing.
While walking down the rocky ground, whistling a merry tune (yes, I think of funeral marches as "merry tunes") I saw the catastrophe.
#7 has (once again) managed to blow himself up. He is upside down in his dented kettle ad trying to wriggle his way out. I kicked the kettle. Twice. And rolled it down a little hill. He had it coming.
#9 is scratching his head/hood and is looking quite confused. He was aiming for a soup. He still doesn´t know how he managed to bake a strawberry cake.
#4 is still hacking vegetables. He looks so silly with that pink apron.
There was obviously some sort of misunderstanding with #6. He is trying to cook AN ORC. ...not a bad idea, I must admit.
Well, at least someone is enjoying himself. #2 is eating the book he "cooked". Said it doesn´t taste as bad as predicted...worse. But all things taste like ash to us, so who cares?
A wild horde of orcs is chasing #3. I don´t know what he has done. and certainly don´t care.
#1 has forced #8 to be his minion and do the actual cooking while he will administrating everything. Great move, Einstein! You didn´t do any work at all...but now #8 can say it was all your fault because you were responsible.
(Looks like this: #8 is pointing an accusing finger at #1: It´s his fault!!! then he runs away.)
Whe they ask me where the hell I´ve been I give them the bowl with the soup I have been preparing. I´m not that lazy...ok, I am. Shelob did the work.
I could have told them that the "soup" is a dissolved orc and technically it´s still cannibalism...but I didn´t.
author´s opinion: staying up until 5 pm (that chapter was written at 3pm-ish) seems to boost my creativity. You decide if that´s actually more a bad idea...
