Down and Out
Home
"All good?" Severide questioned with his hand held out for Casey as he waited for him to get out of the car, the hand went unused.
"Fine," Casey replied firmly as he stood up. Severide shut the car door for him and followed his stiff and steady movements up to the front door. He struggled with the key, admitted defeated with a frustrated moan and allowed Severide to unlock the front door.
"Nice to be home?" Severide asked once they were inside.
"Yeah…" He frowned and looked around the front room, it seemed different, something seemed off.
"All right?"
Casey was still looking around the room. "Something's not right, someone's been here."
"Case, you've not been home for a while, and maybe it was Hallie or me… we did come by and pick up stuff for you a few times," Severide explained.
"Right, of course, I'm just being paranoid." He tried to shrug the feeling away. "Well, thanks for dropping me off... You're under strict orders to stay?"
"No, but I'd like to."
"Erm… just wanna go to bed," he admitted.
"Ok." Severide didn't move.
"Not in the mood for entertaining guests Kelly," he replied, he didn't even try to hide the exasperation from his tone. Too tired and too sore to care.
"I know," Severide replied, "Just gonna make myself something to eat and…"
"Not got much food… and what I've got is probably very out of date," he explained, although it should have been obvious.
"You've got food, Cindy's made some soups and stews and stuff, I put them in the freezer for you," Severide replied with a smile.
"Oh…"
"Family," Severide said simply.
Casey woke up to a hushed conversation coming from outside his bedroom door. He just wanted to go back to sleep. He lay flat on his back with his eyes closed for a few moments before persuading himself to move.
He opened his bedroom door and came face to face with Severide and Hallie.
"Hey baby." Hallie had her arms wrapped around him before he could say anything. She pulled back, surveying him. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," he replied, he just wanted to go back to bed.
"You wanna hand getting dressed?"
"What?" He frowned but followed her eyes downwards to his bare legs, he was stood in front of the pair of them wearing just his boxers. "Oh… no, just got up… didn't realise I had company." A lie since he'd heard them clearly, he just hadn't fumbled to put his joggers and top back on, it was a hard enough task when he was fully awake. "Going back to bed, make sure you lock up…" he trailed off as he turned back into his bedroom.
Hallie just let him go, she closed the door and turned back to Severide. "He's not had any meds?"
"No," he replied, "Or food."
"This is gonna be a long four weeks for all of us…"
"Matt?"
He grumbled in response.
"Matt, baby?"
"… What?"
"Know you're tired but I need you sit up, take these and drink this."
"Hals…"
"Come on," she persuaded and eventually he did as he asked and was allowed to fall back into the peace of sleep.
It took three days for Casey to start feeling much more like himself, a good thing too since he was supposed to be giving his statement at Voight's sons' deposition hearing the next day, Hallie had taken to staying over, no objections were made since Casey found himself feeling oddly anxious when he was alone, particularly when he was lying awake at night. Andy's death was still in his mind, visions of the attack still penetrated his sub consciousness and he couldn't help but worry about returning to work, what if there was nerve damage in his hands? What if he never made a full recovery? Sleepless nights weren't something Casey was new to but now he was sleeping so much in the day and restless at night, something he hoped Hallie hadn't noticed.
"Damnit!" The razor fell into the sink as he swore; he'd managed to cut his cheek for the second time.
He was dabbing the small cut when Hallie walked in. It was almost impossible to do any task that he'd taken advantage of before. Now that he was feeling better he was at least finding it much easier to dress, fastening buttons had been a no go to start off with but he was managing it now, he stuck to food he could eat with his fingers that weren't immobilised by the casts. The pain in his jaw had also lessened considerably. Washing was a lengthy and awkward task and that wouldn't change until the casts were removed in about four weeks time.
"Will you let me help now?" Hallie questioned gently as she walked over to him.
He kept silent but sat down on the toilet seat lid and let her finish off for him. Once she was done he stood up in front of the mirror, grabbed the hand towel and ran it across his face.
"Better?" she smiled.
"I guess." He was staring at his reflection in the mirror now. He looked gaunt, his eyes were still bloodshot, the left was still blood filled from the retina repair surgery, the surrounding flesh was still darkened with fading bruises and sleeplessness. The left hand side of his jaw was still numb, the cuts on his lips were barely noticeable now but the bruising on his face was yellowing now, purple in some places, the lacerations had knitted together but were still visible, still slightly swollen and sore.
"They'll fade," Hallie stated.
He changed the subject. "You're at work tomorrow?"
"Kelly's picking you up in the morning for the hearing, that's ok?"
He nodded.
"It shouldn't last too long but if you feel…"
"I'll be fine, already feeling much better," he insisted.
"You do look exhausted," she pointed out.
"Feel exhausted." It slipped out before he could stop it.
"You're already feeling so much better than this time last week though, give it another week and…"
"No not just this… everything. Everything's exhausting…" he sighed, shook his head, "Sorry for putting that on you."
"What's everything? I think I know but talk to me baby," she urged.
"It's just tomorrow," he shrugged, "Shouldn't have said anything."
Severide was leaning on his car when Casey walked out of the courthouse the next day with Antonio by his side, he looked unsteady on his feet, there was an awkwardness in his gait telling of the injuries he'd sustained as he walked down the steps to the side walk.
"How was it?" he questioned.
But Casey just got into the car and shut the door.
"It's going to trial," Antonio explained at Severide's questioning look.
"That's good? That's what you wanted?"
"Yeah and I'm fairly sure he will plead guilty so he gets a reduced sentence," he replied. "I better go, got to get back to the station."
Severide thanked Antonio and got into the car, glanced across at Casey's brooding form, decided not to say anything, switched the radio on and started the engine, but he couldn't stop himself, a few minutes from home he spoke up. "Are you ok? I mean clearly you're not… What's wrong?"
"Things can't just be simple, can they?" Casey was looking out the passenger side window. "Voight was there. Should've expected that."
"He say something to you?" he questioned heatedly.
Casey shook his head. "No."
Severide glanced over to him but couldn't see his face, Casey wasn't going to talk. He wasn't going to admit how he'd felt panic as he gave his statement to the judge, how his heart had been pounding in his chest. What had happened to his usually calm demeanour? Had he let himself get effected about Voight and his threats? He knew as he was answering the judge's questions he was doing the right thing but that hadn't stopped his anxiousness.
They pulled up outside the house and said nothing further on the matter.
"Wanna be on your own? Or we could catch a…"
"Thanks for the ride," Casey said abruptly just before he got out and slammed the door shut.
Severide sat for a few moments after he'd watched Casey shut his front door.
He knocked on the door, Casey appeared immediately, like he'd barely taken a step forwards once he'd entered his house.
"Can I come in?"
Casey said nothing but moved out of his way allowing him entrance.
Severide walked straight the kitchen and called out, "Hallie will kill me if she finds out, but you wanna beer?"
"Sure," he replied, locking the front door and collapsing down onto the couch. When Severide joined him with two open bottles of beer he said, "Hallie won't kill you. Only taking a few painkillers at night now."
"You sleeping all right?"
"What? Fine."
"I mean, you can't lie on your side yet can you?"
"Oh erm yeah it's…"
"You're not sleeping, are you?" Severide questioned knowingly. He'd known it since Andy had died but he'd been so caught up in finding blame he'd tried to ignore the constant darkened shadows under Casey's eyes.
"No."
"Not because you're in pain?"
"It's not the pain." Casey confirmed but he shook his head, he would say nothing more on the matter. "You gonna pass me that beer or not?"
They were less than a third of the way into the game when Severide noticed Casey leaning on the arm of the couch, fast asleep, he took the empty beer bottle from underneath his hand and lowered the volume on the TV. He considered leaving him and heading off to the gym but decided against it and instead quietly stood up and fetched another beer from the fridge, he'd be over the limit soon and Casey wouldn't be able to protest if he stayed overnight whilst Hallie was on a double shift.
Casey woke up on the couch, he wondered if Hallie had come by as he found himself under a mass of blankets, she always teased his hatred of the cold, he sat up, squinted and looked over to the clock and realised Hallie would still be at work.
Severide appeared in front of him as he threw off the blankets. "You're awake!"
"You're here?" he frowned.
Severide nodded. "You want dinner?"
"Erm…"
"Let me rephrase that; what do you want for dinner?"
"Whatever you want… if you've not already raided my kitchen as well as moving in…"
"Kitchen? You have a fridge, a microwave and a temperamental oven. Wouldn't call that a kitchen," Severide grinned, "You eating normally now?"
"Pretty much," he replied.
"You want take-out?"
"Sure, I'll just…" He went to stand up and fetch a glass of water so he could take some pills, his chest pained him every time he took a breath and Hallie had warned him time and time again not to be stoic and put up with the pain, risking pneumonia, but Severide was already handing him some painkillers and helped him to handle a fresh glass of water. "Thanks."
"Chinese?" Severide questioned as he swallowed the pills, he nodded in affirmation. "'K, I'll order your usual."
Severide was impressed at how much Casey had improved since leaving the hospital, impressed at how well he was managing to get on with everything despite his injuries, although that shouldn't have surprised him, Casey always was determined, stubborn, resourceful. He put up with a lot before he broke, and this didn't seem to have broken him, again that shouldn't have been a surprise but he was worried that Casey was keeping everything hidden, that there were cracks in his walls. He'd been so pissed off, for want of a better word, after the hearing, and Severide didn't understand why because ultimately they were on the right path to getting justice for that kid.
He kept glancing across to him as he ate, his thoughts unreadable, Severide just wanted him to talk, but why would Casey? They'd been at odds since Andy had died, Severide wasn't sure their relationship would ever truly recover, ever go back to what it was if they were still laying blame on themselves and each other, he wanted to bring it up again, to try and clear the air, but now wasn't the time, there would never be a right time.
"Don't want to talk about it," Casey stated suddenly.
"What?"
"Whatever you're trying to pluck up the courage and ask me. Don't. Voight. The hearing. Andy. I don't want to talk about it," he said almost scornfully.
"That's healthy," Severide droned.
"Don't you start. You're as bad as I am."
"I'm as bad as you?" Severide questioned reproachfully, "You're the king of…"
"Look, you can get out of my house now if you're gonna…" he stopped. "Sorry… I don't know what's…"
"What's wrong with you?" Severide finished for him, his tone gentle.
"Guess I'm just tired."
"And stressed, and anxious and in pain and…"
"Just feel so out of control," he admitted, he looked down at his encased hands. "It's like I was two steps behind, was on the floor before I could do anything, by the time I realised it was too late. I couldn't move. I reacted too slowly, I wasn't quick enough, barely got a punch in… Why didn't I do anything?"
"Matt…" Severide began softly, unprepared for the private admission. "You couldn't have done anything."
He shook his head. "No. You've seen me fight, you've seen me…"
"Casey stop. This was completely different. And three on one."
"Should have been more careful, I should have known…" he muttered. "At the hearing Voight just stared at me, the entire time the judge was asking questions, he was just staring, like he's gonna do something else, planning something else… but the worse thing… I… I felt scared Kelly. I feel scared. I've let him get to me, I've let this get to me… Stupid right?"
"Not stupid," Severide replied sincerely. "Listen, I was gonna stay over anyway but you'd prefer that, right?"
He nodded reluctantly. "Swear someone had been here."
Severide didn't remind him again that both he and Hallie had been here, and no doubt had moved things around whilst Casey had been in the hospital, he didn't want to lose Casey's fragile trust. "You gonna finish that?" He pointed to the half-finished pot of Chinese.
"Have it. And thanks."
TBC
