*TRIGGER WARNINGS* Body Image

CHAPTER 9: I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone.


It was about a week after the incident at her parents house when Jane finally ran into someone she knew. It wasn't by choice either, she had made precautions to avoid seeing any family members or... Maura but her partner Korsak had caught her on her garbage run.

"Jane, there you are! No one's seen you for over a week." Korsak said stopping Jane in her tracks.

"Uh yeah, I've uh. Been busy." Jane forced a smile on her face. She wasn't ready to see her partner yet, after what happened. She knew she looked like a mess and probably smelled of booze.

"Maura says you haven't been answering your phone or your door. You okay?" Korsak reached out to put his hand on his partners shoulder but Jane flinched from his touch.

"Yeah, like I said been busy. I should be getting this garbage down stairs." Jane lifted the bag up highlighting her words. She needed an excuse to get away.

"Hang on Jane, Maura's been upset this whole week. Are you going to tell me what happened?" Korsak's voice was starting to raise, he blocked Jane's way past.

Jane sighed, her palm going to her forehead. "I don't see how that is any of your business."

"It turns into my business when our Medical Examiner is off her game and looks like she's going to burst out in sobs!" He practically yelled at Jane. His face was starting to turn a shade of red. "What did you do to her?"

Jane paused for a second considering the next words out of her mouth. "I... Fucked things up." Her voice was quiet, her eyes looking down. She fucked things up in the hope that Maura would be better off without her but after that night she had gone downhill faster and it seemed Maura wasn't fairing well either. "How is she?"

"She's not doing too good, Jane. She's hurt."

That's the last thing Jane wanted to do to Maura. She felt that feeling of self-loathing again."...Fuck."

"Yeah, fuck is right Jane. I've never seen her so down. She's normally always happy."

"I'll uh, I'll talk to her okay. Right now I gotta get his bag of garbage out of my hands though." Jane pushed past Korsak pausing to turn back adding "I promise." She put her free hand on Korsak's shoulder. "I will."

"Thank you Jane." Korsak's tone wasn't aggressive anymore. "I'll see you at the squad some time soon yeah?"

"Yeah, I'll come back and see what you've guys managed to mess up." Jane joked walking away to dispose of her garbage.

Jane returned to her apartment disgusted with herself and at the empty bottles of beer that surrounded her couch. Walking past she kicked one over continuing to the bathroom. She was going to finally have to undress herself and take a shower. She had avoided it so far, not wanting to acknowledge the wounds or think about how they came to be on her skin. She sighed reaching the bathroom door. With her hand on the door knob she closed her eyes opening the door to walk into the room she was going to confront her fear.

The raven haired woman stripped her clothes off and stepped under the water raining down from the shower head. She had avoided all the mirrors so far focusing solely on washing her body and her hair. The water felt good against her skin and was long overdue. She let herself enjoy this moment as the water washed over her the feeling of disgust in herself started to fade to but she still didn't feel clean no matter how many showers she had and by the end of them she felt like utter crap. Still, she had to let herself try to enjoy this at least.

Once she was out of her bathroom and wrapped in a towel so she wouldn't accidentally catch a glimpse of her bare skin in any mirror she put on her clothes. Something nice to look like she made some sort of an effort to see Maura. She knew her friend or at least she hoped Maura was still her friend, would appreciate it Jane ended up wearing a dark blue or as Maura would call it 'Midnight Blue' or 'Prussian Blue' or something like that. Jane found herself smiling thinking about that but it turned into an uneasy smile thinking about having to see Maura soon. She was horrified of what Maura's reaction would be. She had thought about Maura's words the whole week. 'I love you.' She didn't know how the Doctor meant it. She did however know how she meant it when she said it back.

Jane stepped out of the car grabbing the bottle of wine she grabbed on the way to Maura's and walked up to her front door knocking. No one answered. Why didn't she answer? Her car was out the front so why wasn't she at the door? Jane shook her head. If Maura was ignoring her it was only what she had been doing to her the last week; if she got upset she'd be a hypocrite. Jane let out a sigh knocking again hoping this time she would get an answer.

She did.

The door opened and Jane found herself surprisingly, for once, dressed nicer than her counterpart. Maura was only wearing a gown. Okay, maybe she wasn't dressed as nicely. Knowing Maura that gown would have cost quite a lot and Maura looked great in almost anything.

"Jane? What-What are you doing here?" Maura smiled awkwardly and being ever polite she invited the detective in. Maura seemed nervous, Jane summed that up to the fact they hadn't talked and how Jane stupidly treated her.

"Hey Maur." Jane said sheepishly scratching the back of her head with her free hand.

"Hey, give me a second and I'll be back." Maura smiled turning and walking into her bedroom closing the door behind her. This left Jane standing awkwardly alone in the living room waiting for Maura's return but she was greeted with someone else.

A guy.
A shirtless guy.
A shirtless guy coming out from Maura's bedroom.

Jane didn't need to be a detective to work out what he was here for. Upon seeing him and coming to that realisation the bottle of wine slipped from her grasp crashing onto the floor below. The bottle hit the side of the coffee table smashing it open. The red liquid started soaking into the carpet. "Oh shit!" Jane dropped onto her knees right onto the glass picking up the pieces of the broken bottle. Fucking fuck. "I'm sorry, Maura." Jane just kept messing things up more.

"It's okay Jane, come up off the glass." Maura rushed to Jane's side putting her hand on her friends shoulder. "Seriously, it's okay."

"Uh. Are you ladies okay here? I kinda gotta go..." Jane's eyes closed as she heard that 'boytoys' voice. She just wanted to slap him across his god damn face.

"Oh. Yeah we'll be fine." Maura said more focused on Jane than him. She didn't even look up at him. "Come on" Maura helped Jane up.

"Fuck Maur, I came over here to apologise and I've messed up your carpet." Jane confessed her hands on her forehead. She looked at the slightly shorter woman her eyebrows raised in worry.

"Jane you're bleeding" Jane looked at her knees seeing the broken glass had left gashes in her knees.

"Shit. Maur, don't worry about that. Focus on the carpet." Jane walked past Maura and out of her grip to the kitchen.

"Jane, I'd rather focus on the cuts on your knees" Maura said seriously rushing next to Jane. "I can get a new carpet."

"Let's just quickly sort this out first and then you can play doctor with me, yeah?" Jane smiled trying to show Maura she was okay. "Where's your salt Maur?"

"I'll get it." Maura searched through her cupboard to grab her salt before handing it to Jane. "What are you going to do with this?"

"Wow, you don't know about the salt trick?"

"Salt... Trick?" Maura cocked her head to the left giving Jane those funny feelings she didn't fully understand.

"I know something the great Maura Isles doesn't? Well, growing up me and my brothers got into a lot of mess and often things got... Spilled. Ma used salt to keep liquids from setting in the carpet." Jane explained shaking the salt over the affected area. "Now we'll make a compromise. I'll sit down next to this and clean it and you can look at my knee."

"Okay, great idea. Let me gather the supplies." Maura hurried away quickly returning to pass Jane a bowl of water, a cloth and a baking soda paste she quickly whipped up. As Jane cleaned the floor she felt Maura lift up her pant leg revealing the wounds.

"You aren't going to need stitches. I'll clean it up though, it might sting a little." Maura said softly as her hands trailed up Jane's leg before she started to clean the wounds and dress them.

"Uh, yeah back to why I'm here. I just wanted to apologise for avoiding you and stuff Maur. I've been handling things shittily... And I know that isn't a word but yeah." Jane focused even harder on dabbing the carpet the more she talked.

Maura didn't respond. She just continued to sort out her friends knee. Little did Jane know, her friend was holding back tears. Maura was unbelievably hurt though she didn't want Jane to see it. She saw Jane as a strong independent woman and damned if she was going to let her friend see how hurt she made her.

"Maur? You okay?" And just like that a strange high pitched sound came out of Maura's mouth. Something Jane had never heard before. A squeak? Jane forced her focus away from the carpet and moved her eyes onto the doctors face. What she saw was her friend struggling not to burst into tears. Shit! Jane hated seeing this. "Maura?" Jane put her hand on top of Maura's and that squeak came out of the doctors mouth again. "Honey?"

With that word came a whimper from Maura's mouth. "I'm-I'm o-okay." Maura tried to wave Jane off but her face contorted and scrunched up as she tried to keep the sobs from escaping her mouth. "I-I..." Maura clasped her hand over her mouth.

"Shit! Maura I'm-I'm sorry!" Jane moved and wrapped her arms around her friend.

"I'm sorry I can't control the-the connection my anygdala and lacrimal gland have right now. And I-" She whimpered again her hand going back over her mouth.

"Shh, honey. It's okay. I didn't mean to hurt you." Jane pat Maura's back holding her close. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know you would never intentionally hurt me" Maura wiped her eyes, "Emotional pain is a subject that I don't completely understand." Maura moved back and smiled widely at Jane but it quickly turned into a frown. "We're still friends, aren't we?"

"Of course we are." Jane rubbed Maura's arm. "I'm sorry I did anything to make you think otherwise."

"Thank you, Jane. I was horrified at the prospect of losing you."

Jane didn't know how to respond. She rubbed Maura's arm. She wanted to hold the woman in her arms and tell her that she'd never ever lose her. "So, who was that Neanderthal?" Jane said instead as an attempt to lighten the mood.

"Oh him, met him the other day. He's quite handsome, isn't he?"

Jane made a disgusted face. "If you like that kinda thing... What does he do?"

"He's the lead singer in a punk rock band. It's quite interesting."

I could be yours. "Seriously Maur? You can do better than that."

Maura just shrugged. "He's okay."

You could have me. Jane just smiled. She didn't think she would be any better for Maura, though. She was a wreck. Maura deserved the best. Jane's heart started to betray her giving her those unwanted feelings she tried to hide away.

"What about you? Seeing anyone?"

"Me? Nah." Jane answered directly moving back to continue dabbing the carpet.

"Like anyone?" Maura nudged Jane softly.

Yes.

You.

"Nah." Jane became focused on the carpet once again. Her blotting became harder and harder the more her eyes burned into the carpet.

"Really? Come on you have to be interested in someone!"

I am.

You.

"I'm serious Maur. Not into anyone." Jane laughed a little and dried the carpet after getting the stain out. "There you go Maur, good as new."

Maura inspected the carpet. "Wow Jane, well done."

"I have many skills." The Detective shrugged standing up. "Anyway, I better uh... Go." She avoided eye contact with Maura.

"Oh... Uh. Yeah. I'll talk to you soon though right?"

"Right." Jane smiled at Maura going in for a hug. "I'll see you soon."

"Hey Jane?" Maura called out after Jane as she started to walk away.

"Yeah?"

"Are you feeling okay? You look a little under the weather."

"Gee thanks for saying I look like crap, Maur. I'm fine." Jane flashed her friend a smile before continuing out the door.

On the way past Maura's mailbox she stopped getting out a pen and piece of paper

I want to be your Joey Ramone.

- Jane.

She slipped the piece of paper into the mailbox slot and continued to her car, her stomach twisting and turning.


*AUTHORS NOTE*

I'm going on holiday for a few days so there might be a slight delay for the next update. If I get the chance, though I'll try to update again tomorrow before I leave. Thanks for all your support,

Crystal. (SleaterKinney)