Beast of Burden
Chapter Nine
Fire Meet Gasoline
"This, perhaps, is how lives are measured,
a series of abandonments that we hope beyond reason
will eventually be reconciled."
― Anthony Doerr
"What are you doing, Mar?" Stiles questioned groggily as he woke. Mars looked up from his computer screen, quickly exiting all tabs of incognito exploration. Mars was sitting up next to him, he laid his head on her lap so he could see the screen. "You've seen this show a hundred times." He mumbled, making himself comfortable, Freaks and Geeks wasn't so bad.
"Bill was the first love of my life." Mars noted, playing with the short hair on his head.
"Were you up all night?" Stiles asked, Mars unplugged the headphones from the jack and nodded. Despite his concern he mumbled "Cool." And closed his eyes for a moment. "What time is it?"
Mars looked at her phone; "8:45"
"Early." He commented. "Aren't you tired?"
"No." Mars stretched a little bit, blocking out any sort of concern she had for herself. It was easier that way.
Stiles noticed her distance. "Are you okay?"
"I'm deeply annoyed," She noted, transfixed on the screen and acting like she didn't want to be disturbed.
He made himself comfortable. "Right, I'll stop talking then."
"No you won't."
"Yeah, probably not."
A wave of guilt hit her when she saw his face fall. "Well if you must talk, at least say something worth listening to." She rolled her eyes and shut the computer, moving it to the bedside table.
Stiles didn't move though. "You're in a pissy mood"
"I'm always in a pissy mood." She commented.
"Yeah, that's very true." They both went silent. Stiles had a lot on his mind, a lot of questions that he needed answers. He wasn't afraid to ask, he was used to her lashing out on him, but he didn't want to remind her of last night. On the other hand, it seemed better to do it now when it was still fresh than to wait and ruin everything later on. "So, uh, what happened with you and my dad?"
"What do you mean?" She stopped playing with his hair.
"When I talked to him yesterday he was stressed and quiet and… not very dad." Stiles felt her tense.
"He's got a lot on his plate."
"Yeah, I know, but I have a feeling it has something to do with you getting put in custody? What happened?" He intentionally neglected to mention the deep rooted feeling of dread he had when they were separated at the school and the subsequent panic attack in front of Lydia. He thought she was dead, it was like someone had killed him too when the thought occurred to him. He had to know how she got there.
"I don't want to talk about it." Mars shook her head, trying to calm down her stomach.
Stiles sat up swiftly, becoming twitchy in his frustration. "You never want to talk."
Mars got up, putting pants on. "I have to bring Da's car back. I'll get the booze while I'm out. Meet you and Scott later?" She didn't wait for a response, she was already halfway out the door by the time she finished her sentence.
"Mars, come on." Stiles jumped up and went after her, turning Mars around once her got hold of her arm. "You can't just shut me out-" He lamented. "Again." He ran a hand down over his face in the same fashion Sheriff was prone to. His frustration was rapidly getting the better of him. "We're supposed to tell eachother everything." He wouldn't let her eyes leave his, why was she being like this. He couldn't comprehend it. He'd been through everything with her, he knew everything about her, and he couldn't for the life of him figure out what happened along the way that made her how she was now. He missed the old her, the Mars who was full of joy and could move mountains and loved so deeply she couldn't stand the butterflies in her stomach with nearly everyone she met. In that moment he realized something he hadn't before. He was in mourning.
Mars' shoulders fell along with her cool demeanor. "Sheriff thought I was on something. I freaked out. There's nothing to tell, if you want to know so bad, ask one of the 20 people that saw it." And the walls re-emerged as quickly as they'd fallen. She shoved him off and didn't give him the chance to catch her.
When she got to the car, she turned the music so loud she wouldn't have been able to hear a banshee scream let alone her own thoughts. And she made it to her parents home in record time, intentionally leaving the volume on as loud as possible for her father when he turned it on.
She brought the car keys inside and dropped them on the kitchen counter before heading to her room and changing into clean clothes and wiping off her makeup. She made sure Doc was fed and kissed him before heading back for the door. "It wasn't very nice to leave just as I got here, you know." Teta's thick accent came from behind her.
Mars stopped with the muscles in her back tensing before walking back into the kitchen where her grandmother sat on a barstool. "I didn't feel I had much of a choice."
"There is always a choice, Tera." Teta used the name only she could call her. Mars didn't want yet another lecture, but kept the thought close to her chest. "What's this about?"
"It's not important." Mars couldn't make herself relax, she just felt attacked and it seemed like it would never end.
"You got arrested again, I'm going to disagree." Mars thought this wasn't like Teta, frankly, Mars didn't know Teta knew about any of the previous arrests. "Be honest for once, girl." Mars licked her lips in annoyance and held her tongue out of respect. "Is it about happened with your father?"
"You know?" Mar couldn't figure out what to make of that.
"Of course I know, Tera. She's not the first and she sure as hell will not be the last." Mars felt tears welling in her eyes, what could she possibly say to that? Was her family honestly that fucked?
"And you're okay with this?"
"Of course I am. He's my son." Teta was always honest, it was both her best and her worst trait. Mars knew her family strongly favored men, but this seemed to push it too far. "They all do it, your grandfather did it too. They are men. Realize this and move on. Do not punish your father for what he cannot control."
"What he can't control?" Mars had to stop and remind herself Teta was old and from a country where women formerly had next to no say in things. It wasn't her fault. "I- I can't-" She walked away, and bumped into Mary on her way out. "Mom," She gave an awkward nod. She never thought she'd be siding with her mother, let alone feeling sympathy. God damnit Aje.
"Mars." They both stood still, looking at eachother. "Do you need a ride anywhere?" Mary tried. That was the last thing Mars wanted. The second she was alone with her mother, she knew she would spill the beans- and she promised Aje she wouldn't.
"Erm- No, I mean, I'm good." Mars scratched the back of her neck, Mary was strongly resisting yelling at her over the arrest- she'd received a call but decided not to bail her out yet again. "Thanks though."
"Are you staying here again then? Need to know if I should set the place at dinner." Mary had her hopes, but she didn't let them get too high.
"No, don't bother. Stiles-"
"Right." Mary cut her daughter off. "Well, um, have a good day then."
"Yeah, you too."
Mars brought Vodka, Stiles brought Jack. Scott brought disinterest.
"You just need to drink more." Stiles handed Scott some more booze from where he lay, which Scott rejected, Mars was laying against Stiles, nursing the handle of Jack. Scott wasn't in the mood, and the drinking wasn't working. All he could think of was Allison. "Dude, she's just, she's just one girl." Stiles tried. "Yanno out of so many there are so many other girls. in the sea."
"Fish in the sea" Scott corrected, entirely too sober for two wasted friends.
"Fish? Why are you talking about fish? I'm talking about girls..." Stiles sighed, a stupid grin on his face. "I love girls-"
Mars cut him off. "Careful, someone might think you're over compensating."
Stiles ignored her,"I-I love- Especially one's with strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, 5'3"
"Like Lydia?" Scott had to resist rolling his eyes.
"Yeah. exactly, hey! How did you know I was talking about- about… what was I talking about?" Stiles let out a chuckle, the movement in his chest making Mars spill a little alcohol on his shirt.
Delayed, Mars said; "I'm a girl."
Stiles snorted. "No you're not." He meant it. "You're Mars."
Mars drunkenly rolled on top of him, thinking she was whispering but failing "Pretty sure I've got a pussy." The alcohol was heavy on her breath. "Just like you're Stiles, and I know you've got a cock. We took baths together, mate. No need to pretend there are gnomes down there." Stiles became flustered, her eyes felt hypnotic as he felt an erection coming. He was too drunk to care about who it was for though (in fact, he seemed to forget entirely), he liked the unfamiliar pressure on top of him. While he looked into the depths of blue, he knew he would do anything she said, always and forever. It was like she owned his soul, his body every part of him. He didn't care why this was happening, he just knew he didn't want it to end, because if it did there would be a gaping hole in him for the rest of his days. In that moment he would follow her off a cliff or to the bottom of the ocean or to the moon. He didn't care.
Stiles stuttered out quietly. "No need to be vulgar." Mars broke her gaze. Stiles felt clarity return to him, blaming what felt like hypnosis on alcohol. He laughed a little to himself, thinking everything that just went on in his head was completely ridiculous. Mars grabbed his hand and Scotts and sat up.
"But, aye, you two. Stop being pessimistic, that is my thing." She smiled. "We've got each other, right? The golden trio until the end."
"Did you just compare us to Harry Potter?" Scott raised an eyebrow.
"You bet your arse I did. Scott, You're Harry, cause you're chosen and all that shit. I'm Hermione, because you two morons would lose your heads without me. and well, Stiles. You eat a lot." She paused, hearing no signs of approval, She wasn't embarrassed in the slightest though. She released their hands and thought to herself that Ron and Hermione get together, and the idea didn't bother her so much. Maybe that was why she was offended about him saying he loves girls and then saying she wasn't one. She looked down at the boy under her, Am I into Stiles? The thought alone was enough to eat her alive, that was insane. He was like her brother… A brother that she flirts with and sleeps naked with.
"I just, I really fucking love you two. Okay?" She looks directly at Scott when she says it.
Scott smiled a little, "I love you, too, Mar." She smiled wide.
"Eh, you're alright." Stiles drank a little more, still trying to shake off those feelings from a minute ago.
Mars stood up, not even a slight stumble to her step as she announced, "I'm going to go wait in the Jeep." and headed to the car, the boys following a few minutes behind her. Scott drove them, it wasn't a very good idea for Stiles or Mars to get behind the wheel. Neither could drive all that well in the first place.
"Drop me off at home." Mars demanded as they passed the Stilinski home. Scott stopped the car.
"You sure you don't want to come over my house?" Scott questioned.
"Your mum already thinks I'm fucking you, I'm good, no need for her to think we're having an orgy." Scott groaned as Mars got out of the car, his mom trusted them all more than that now. Mars took the key off around her neck and headed for the door, but she didn't open it. When the car was gone, Mars walked back to the sidewalk and made a phone call.
"Hello?" Came a husky voice on the other end.
"Marks? Hi. Pick me up at Sheriff's house." She heard shuffling in the background, and she hung up and waited. He showed six minutes later and they drove to his house in silence. They went inside in silence. They fucked without a word.
Mars' eyes opened groggily as she looked at the alarm clock on the side table. 03:30. She looked around, still feeling the alcohol from an hour ago. Fuck. She thought. She doesn't sleep with guys she screws. It just wasn't done. "Morning sunshine." Marks joked. Mars rolled her eyes and he climbed back on top of her. "I knew you'd be back." He commented and began kissing down her front. She lets him, but doesn't respond to him.
All she managed was; "Do you have anything to drink, Marks?" He nodded and went to the kitchen, coming back with a glass of scotch, she didn't thank him. She was too trapped in her thoughts and a cycle of self hatred. "I should go." She said and downed the scotch.
"Good idea." He agreed after a moment, thinking of nothing but covering his own ass with the impending threat of the sun. She grabbed a shirt off of the ground and left- grabbing the bottle of Grey Goose on top of the fridge on her way out. She began walking back to the Stilinski's, dreading the moment she would have to see Sheriff again. He was just doing his job, she knew that, she kept reminding herself… but she couldn't make herself forgive him.
Not that she could really blame him. After all, she did have quite the track record, and what the fuck was that freak out? Was Stiles right? Was she going insane? Maybe that was why she couldn't stop making all those terrible decisions, maybe it was a chemical imbalance or whatever. And what on fucking Earth was she thinking sleeping with Marks again? Why didn't she just call Don? Don was a good guy, she should give Don a real chance one of these days. But she knew she wouldn't do that.
Mars downed what was left in the bottle and tossed it into some random lawn where it landed with a thud. "Stupid fucking little girl." She cursed herself, arms crossed over her chest protectively. She shouldn't have gone back to Marks. Her libido wasn't that raging. Sure, Marks was hot, but he was degrading, everything about him made her feel sleazy, and that was hard thing to make her feel. He himself was a sleaze, Cop fucking an underage girl- three times now.
She could still hear him, "I knew you were that kind of girl." He'd said after cumming on her back and slapping her ass. "Nice and easy." He'd pulled her hair to kiss her neck after that.
Repulsed wasn't a strong enough word, violated, dirty... those weren't quite right either. She'd never felt that before, sex was fun, carefree- or it was until now. Maybe everyone was right about her. Good for nothing kid, hot but a slut, going nowhere, a wasted brilliance; she was seeing less and less of where they were wrong, she believed them. They were probably right about where she was headed too.
Some said she'd end up a hooker, homeless, selling her body for her next hit, stealing their hard earned tax dollars. Others thought maybe she'd marry some old biker, pop out a few good for nothing kids like herself, die young from lung cancer...
Mars held her head in her hands for a moment, letting out a strangled sob. Running was the only thing on her mind. But running away from all the bad meant running from Aje; from the Stilinski's- whose house she found herself in front of now when the sun just began to make an appearance. She took the key from around her neck and unlocked the front door, drying her eyes so she'd have a chance of no one asking her questions.
After a bit of stumbling about, Mars went to the makeshift bed on the couch, trying to calm what she'd built up in her head.
"Fuck." Sheriff jumped as he rounded the corner from the kitchen. He hadn't heard her come in.
"Sorry." She mumbled. "Didn't mean to scare you."
"It's fine." Sheriff took notice of her sloppy hair, red eyes, and heavy scent of alcohol. Of her disheveled clothing and missing shoes and immediately assumed the worst. He felt his stomach turn in knots. "Did something- happen- to you?" He questioned through clenched teeth, ready to make heads roll if need be, not paying any mind to the obvious drunken-ness of it all. He knew he had a lot to make up for.
Mars shook her head. "Nothing not consensual, you don't need to worry." She said, monotone, looking ahead with a dead gaze. "I just fucked up again. It'll pass." Mars paused, but found herself unable to bear the silence. "Is Stiles home yet?" Logically, she knew he'd still be at Scott's, but it was worth asking so she could get out of the room. Sheriff was usually ready to go to work and heading out the door by now.
Sheriff shook his head. "I'm here, if you need me." He tried, knowing she was still angry with him. Little did he know though, she was too stuck in her mind to care even slightly about the arrest. Not so deep down, she understood why he did what he did- and that made the way she felt so much worse.
"Thanks." She smiled as he turned away. She didn't deserve the Stilinski's, deserve Sheriff. He was trying so hard to do right by her and she couldn't be bothered. She didn't deserve his kindness. She looked over him as he began to walk away, from his graying hair down his back, to his bum to his feet.
Then, in a fit of self destruction, Mars decided this was the moment she would make everything crash around her.
This was the moment she would burn every bridge.
This was the moment she couldn't ever come back from.
This was how she was going to escape the cycle of guilt and misery that suffocated her every moment of every day, with every breath she tried to take in. The air around her was thick, but slick, like a poison moving in waves and closing in. She felt her control slipping from her with every heavy tick of the clock that sounded like gunshots going off in her ear.
It needed to end.
So, she stood up without allowing herself a single thought, and grabbed his hand, turning him around. "Mars, are you- o- oka-" He drifted, feeling himself getting lost as her hand lifted to his cheek. She ran her thumb against the grain of his stubble and looked down from his eyes to his lips. Where her skin touched his was on fire, on his hand and on his face, it felt like a deadly addictive drug was being released from his fingertips. Her hand made her way to the back of his neck, and then, roughly, she pulled him down to her, kissing him with all she had, all she'd ever had.
Sheriff hadn't so much as looked at woman since Claudia died, let alone kissed one and as a result his instinct outweighed his conscience and he returned her kiss. Eight years of frustration and loneliness fell into it. Eight years of missing the touch of someone else pressed a hand to the fifteen year old's lower back and pulled her against him tightly.
Their mouths continued to intertwine. Neither any longer quite aware of who they were, or who they were with. Sheriff pushed Mar against the wall, kissing her chin down to her neck, satisfied when he heard the soft moan that escaped her mouth. - a moan that he had never expected to hear. The sound that had escaped from her affected him deeply, like a song that infects your mind for weeks on end, making him give in to the young girl.
The moment that Mars felt her back pressed up against the wall, something sparked alive in her. There was a hunger that could only be fulfilled by Sheriff in her life. Her hands were just as hungry as her lips, as they slid over Sheriff's back, feeling the tense muscles underneath his shirt. One hand dipped down and grasped firmly onto the waistband of Sheriff's thin sweatpants. She pushed the top of the sweats down, exposing only half of his rear. Her hand relinquished the waistband and moved to the skin she had just exposed, her fingers kneading.
Mars' head rolled back as Sheriff's mouth and tender kisses trailed up her neck and to her lips. Without opening her eyes, she felt Sheriff capture her lips, their mouths intertwining. She sighed into him, relaxing slightly, and she grasped his hands - that held her far too delicately - and moved them to where she wanted. One on her chest, forcing his hand to form to the roundness of her breast, and the other was guided to the top of her bottoms, suggesting that he do as Mars had just done to him. Sheriff's fingers hooked over the top of her pants, his fingers pushing the pair of bottoms down ever so slightly, then it returned to rest at Mars' hips. Frustrating her beyond belief.
She, with very little effort at all, flipped them over so that the Sheriff had his back to the wall. She grasped the waistband of his thin sweats and started to push them downwards. She jumped slightly, breaking from the trance that she was in, as John clasped his hands around her wrists and brought her back up to stand on her feet. "I-I. W-we can't," he said, trying will all his might to be rational. The moment that Mars had got to her knees, that's when Sheriff knew that he was about to go to a place he could never come back from - one that would destroy his son. Mars was too precious to them for him to fuck that up - pun unintended. It felt like all the air had been stolen from his lungs and his heart was beating uncontrollably. What the fuck is happening? Sheriff didn't understand, he very literally could not control himself.
Mars looked directly at the older man, stare unwavering, and in her most sultry voice she could produce, she asked, "Why not?" Her lips were slightly pouty, seemingly more swollen then when they started, and she looked up at him through long lashes and smudged same song that infected him when she'd kissed him rang in his mind, and much like his son last night, he found himself in a trance- the very one he had just managed to break. The only way he could describe it (though he would not remember it) was complete surrender, complete mind control- she was a poison. In this state he considered letting Mars go back to her knees - it was just one thing, he could stop after that, right? - but he couldn't let that happen. Could he? It took everything in his power to force his eyes to close and push her to the side, a little more forcefully that intended (he realized as she fell with a thud), and started walking away.
Mars didn't like that. Sheriff hadn't even known she'd moved until she appeared in front of him. Something was different about her this time, he couldn't place it exactly, all he knew was he felt genuine dread washing over him when she came from thin air. She made a move to kiss him again, all caution thrown to the wind, but he stopped her before she could. His hand covered her puckered lips and his hand held tightly on her arm. "No, Mars," He said, through clenched teeth. Though he sounded angry, that wasn't it. Not following through was causing him genuine, physical pain. Like someone was trying to rip his intestines out through his mouth. "This can't happen." He put her to the side, and she began to breath heavily, coming back into reality herself now. What had she just done? She watched him walk upstairs. He refused to look back, as he was convinced that he'd return to the young vixen and do what he knew he shouldn't.
Mars followed him up the stairs, stopping outside his room in a panic, unable to breath. Unable to make herself knock on the door. She'd done what she wanted, right? Alienated him? Calm down Mar, calm the bloody fucking hell down! But she couldn't, she couldn't. The instinct of running she mistakenly thought this would invoke disappeared, and she walked into Stiles' room, locked the door and shattered into infinite pieces. She felt around her pockets frantically, there had to be something in there, anything. She didn't care what. Her hands shook and shook feeling for a plastic bag or a joint or a pill. "Please, please, please." She begged the heavens in wet and ugly sobs. She checked her shoes, she stripped down all while she choked on her own bile. Was this withdrawal? She'd never felt it before, she'd never felt the physical pain of going without this long. With violently shaking hands she went through her jacket hanging over the doorknob and found some pot, but that wasn't strong enough, it wouldn't do fucking jack shit. "think, Mars, fucking think." She went over to the dresser where she'd hid Sheriff's old Vicodin and found there wasn't much of anything left, but she dry swallowed what she could. She tripped over her bag, surely there would be something in there. She found a couple pills, she took them, not even knowing what they were, and she found a half smoked pack of cigs and a lighter in it. She remembered Stiles hid booze in the laundry basket under his bed, and she chucked the third of the handle that was left, needing that familiar burn down her esophagus. After barely opening the window she lit up. Waiting to be knocked out, waiting for black.
It didn't come. The feeling of needing her stomach pumped though? That did.
She grabbed the rubbage can and stuck her fingers down her own throat, forgetting that it was made of metal mesh and everything oozed out onto her and the floor anyways. Eventually she fell on the ground clutching her stomach, still spewing on the floor in front of her but unable to lift herself up to get to a bathroom. She'd heard Sheriff leave a while back, she knew she was completely and utterly alone. Yet, she was contented. The only coherent thoughts she could form were, Don't die and please, God, don't let Stiles find me like this. She'd put him through so much, finding her dead body naked in a pile of her own vomit in his room wasn't the very last thing she wanted to do. She stuck her fingers down her throat once more, it had blood in it now. A decent amount of it. How long had she been down there? She looked at the red chunks sticking to her hand for a moment, unable to comprehend it, or do anything about it. But she was aware enough that broken sobs quickly became uncontrollable. Not long after she was too tired to keep her eyes open anymore.
Centuries of dark had came and went when the first spark was cast. "Mars!" She heard, but couldn't respond. "Mars!" The voice screeched as she felt pressure below her and fingers against her wrist.
Eyes barely open, she managed, Water. And then it was granted to her, like magic. She then felt herself be lifted by wobbly arms and then placed down again, everything was fuzzy still. She didn't know where she was or what was going on. In the background she heard water pouring and it sounded like thunder, and then she felt it on her toes. Then came a click and it cascaded around her. She found the silhouette of the angel and asked it, "Am I, truly, Death?" But the angel misunderstood.
"God, no, Mars, you're alive. you're so, very alive." It soothed. Its shoes kicked off and it tipped her head forward, her nose was bleeding.
"Why are you helping me?" She raised a hand to it's wet cheek. It didn't answer her, but she saw a phone in its hand, she knocked it out.
"I need you." She pulled the glowing white figure into the water with her. "Don't leave me." She whispered. "Don't leave me." She repeated even quieter.
The longer she was in the water the better she felt. "I won't, baby, I promise." It enveloped her in its shaking arms and her memory blacked out again.
It was dark when she re-emerged in the land of the living. Her head was throbbing, but she was in clean sheets, clothed, and in her own bedroom. She rolled over. "Mum?" She asked the slim figure next to her. Mary smiled.
"How are you feeling?" Mary asked, sitting up and stretching.
Mars stayed laying down. "Okay, I guess."
"Good." Mary said, not looking at her daughter. She didn't quite know what to do now that Mars was aware. "Can I get you anything?"
"Water?" Mars asked, Mary nodded and handed her the glass from the side table. "Thanks." Mars chugged it down. "How did I get home?"
"I brought you." Mary stated. Mars noticed Mary's hair was down- it was a rare thing- but it made her mom look softer, kind even. And also like looking in a mirror. As always, they both elected not to talk about what had passed.
"Well, thank you." Doc came and curled into Mars' lap. Mary nodded.
"No problem." Mary stood up. "I'm calling you out of school tomorrow, you could use the rest."
Mars acknowledged with a nod, trying to figure out why she wasn't in the hospital. Mary went to leave the room. "Mom?" Mary turned around, Mars' brows pushed together as she began to recall bits of what had happened.
"Yeah Mars?" Mary turned around at the door.
Mars hesitated, should she tell her mom about Da? No, she couldn't. She promised Aje. "I just-" She paused again, she didn't know or care why her mother had been at the Stilinski house. "Thank you, for um-" She wasn't very grateful to be saved. "For sparing Stiles." She managed.
"I'm your mother. You don't have to thank me." Mary paused too. "It's my job." They looked at eachother for a moment before Mary nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind her.
