Wow, I actually posted a chapter? I did. I've been working hard on this one and I think that it is my favorite chapter in this whole story.
Big hugs to my beta and my validation betas. Without them, this story wouldn't be up.
Chapter 9-Hate is a passion too.
Bella
The day was taking forever. In all honesty, the four days before it had taken forever as well. Not only did I not have Edward, but I also didn't have Jacob.
I sighed. Jacob was right when he said the entire situation was my fault. I was the one who made the moves on him. I wanted him then…and if I was being completely honest with myself, I wanted him now. I sighed again as I looked over at the desk in Newton's back room. Even doing the bi-annual inventory at work didn't distract me. Holing up in that room was torture. It constantly reminded me of the fiery kisses I had shared with Jake.
"How many green North Face backpacks are there, Bella?" Mike asked, blushing when he noticed me staring at the desk. I guess he remembered what he saw in those moments with Jacob too. I fleetingly wondered if there was some possible way that I could be sure to keep Mike Newton away from Edward for the rest of his life. I was pretty sure neither one of them would complain very much.
"Five," I said, expelling a breath from my chest again. I smiled weakly at him, thinking of possible ways to keep Mike miles away from Edward…because unlike mine, Mike's brain was very transparent, and I'm sure the mental pictures were much worse in his head than they had been in real life. Fortunately, I knew we were moving to New Hampshire after the change, so I didn't have to hide him for much longer.
I shuddered involuntarily at the thought of the change, and then froze at my own reaction. What was wrong with me? I'd spent a week away from Edward and already I was reconsidering major decisions? My thoughts went back to the blissful night Jake and I had shared and the feel of his heart on my cheek. When he put my hand up to his neck, I was surprised. It was so strange to feel the pounding against his neck…something I had never felt and would never feel with Edward.
"See, Bella, my heart beats. The reason my blood courses through my veins is for you and only you. Your bloodsucker's heart doesn't. My heart will beat for you until the day it beats its last. That's my fault for being in love with you," his voice echoed in my head, and I trembled with unshed tears, remembering the tormented look in his eyes as he held my hand to his neck.
"Are you cold, Bella?" Mike asked as he stood up to pull his hooded sweatshirt over his head and draped it over my shoulders, rubbing my arms. Note to self: no more trembling.
"You're so sweet, Mike. Thanks. I've got my sweatshirt right here though," I said, removing his hoodie and pulling my own over my head. I wasn't cold, but I needed an excuse for the shakes. He shrugged his shoulders and pulled the sweatshirt back over his head before going back to the inventory list.
"How many red Ryder packs?" he asked, looking at the clipboard.
"Seven. Blue Stream is five," I grumbled, then half-smiled when he looked over at me. "How do we always get stuck doing the inventory every time? We end up being here half the night."
"At least you get paid double time, Swan. My parents tell me that I'm lucky I get paid at all," he laughed, tossing a sleeping bag at me that managed to hit me in the elbow. "Hey, what time is it?"
"Ten o'clock," I said, consulting my watch.
"Hey, the Flying Wedge is still open. Want to split a pizza?" I closed my eyes at my memory of two nights before. The pack had come to Emily's house for pizza and a movie. I thought Jake would come, and we'd make up…I even put on make-up so I'd look good. I was severely disappointed Jake listened so well when I told him to stay away from me. I had retreated to the guest room after the first half hour. I couldn't deal with the angry glares from Paul and Seth. The glares from Seth in particular had surprised me. He was my closest wolf friend besides Jake. That is, if Jake even was my best friend any more.
"Bella?" Mike asked, sounding concerned.
"Yeah, Mike, that'll be fine. I'm sorry. I'm just really tired," I said, sounding pathetic, even to my own ears. He laughed and grinned lecherously at me.
"I bet that Black kid is keeping you up all night, now that Cullen isn't around," he said. I startled, and then I remembered I had told him Edward and the Cullens had gone to Italy that first day. Wow, when did Mike get so forward? Jessica must be rubbing off on him with this newfound boldness?
"No, that's not it. I haven't really seen Jake since he got grabby," I half-fibbed, knowing that he wasn't the only one to get grabby. Still, I could make this work to my favor in case Mike did see Edward before we left. "I know he didn't mean for it to happen, he's just a hormone-crazed kid. I don't know what to tell Edward yet. I mean, I don't want him and his brothers to get all crazy on Jacob." I tried to laugh it off.
Mike laughed too, even though I couldn't figure out why he'd think it was funny. "So is the wedding still on, then?"
This question left me stunned. It wasn't the question itself, but the fact that I had a hard time answering it. More images of Jacob flashed across my mind. "Don't you tell me that it's because you are marrying Edward. Not after last night. You don't get to say that to me today, Bella…" He wanted so badly for it to be different this time. As hard as it was to admit, a big part of me had wanted it to be different this time too.
"Yeah, still on. Pretty sure," I said with a laugh. "I doubt that Edward would blame Jacob for wanting to kiss me. Like I said, he's a hormone-crazed boy." I was really laying it on thick, and Mike was lapping it up. I hoped that since we were talking about it now, he would never bring it up again. Maybe, he could even downplay it without even knowing.
"Yeah, I know how that is," Mike mumbled, and then went over to the phone to order the pizza.
Inventory seemed to take forever, but we finally locked the door behind us at three in the morning after we had accounted for the last flashlight. Thank God, that night was over. Another night of missing Jake had gone by. Work had failed to distract me from thoughts of Jake's warm hands against my skin, his lips on mine, the taste of root beer on my tongue, and the smell of sunflowers in the air…
I never thought four days without Jacob would be so painful. I had been apart from him longer before, but I literally felt like I was missing half of myself without him, which was a strange feeling. I looked up at my truck and my heart leapt at the tall figure I saw there, leaning against my truck. As I got closer though, I saw it was Seth there to get me safely back to La Push, not Jacob. I bit back an exasperated huff. I needed to see Jake.
"Bella!" he called out, happy to see me.
"Hey, Seth," I said, forcing a grin. "How long have you been here?"
"About an hour or so?"
"Oh, Seth! I'm sorry. You didn't have to wait out here." He shrugged and took my backpack and leftover pizza.
"Night, Bella," Mike called, shaking his head when he saw yet another guy had joined my fan club. I smiled, thanking God that wasn't a fact. The 'We Love Bella Swan' fan club was plenty big already.
"Good night, Mike," I said. "Thanks for dinner. Have a great weekend." I waved as he stepped into his car and drove off. I walked to the driver's side of the truck as Seth hopped into the passenger seat. I shook my head at how hyper he was. We drove slowly to La Push, making small talk until we reached the limits of the reservation. He then turned to me with an unexpectedly serious look on his face.
"Bella, I have to ask you something," he started. I glanced over at him, worried.
"What's up, Seth?" I asked
"Why did you hook up with Jake?" I forgot I was driving and stared slack-jawed at him until thought came back and I focused on the road again. He hurriedly added, "I know I shouldn't ask. It's just…Edward. He's a really good guy. So is Jake. But you chose Edward when he came back. You went back to get him. I know that it's hard to choose…but don't you think what you did was unfair?" He moved uncomfortably in his seat and I had the sudden urge to punch him in the face. I resented his waiting for me tonight. I resented him even more for pointing this out to me and forcing me to think about it. This was not something I wanted to talk about, with him of all people.
"You're right. You shouldn't ask," I said tersely. I took a deep breath and tried to realize that he only has his friends' best interest at heart. "Sorry, Seth. I don't know. I…I couldn't help it. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. But sometimes life isn't right, nor fair. And some things are just none of your business."
"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, turning away and peering out the window. "I love Jacob, he is my brother. But I really like Edward too, even though it goes against everything I am. He's a great guy. I just don't know…you're right, it's none of my business." Damn straight it was none of his business. I wished he had kept his freaking mouth shut.
We drove in silence, each contemplating our own thoughts as we drove into the reservation. He was surprised when I pulled into his driveway instead of continuing to Emily's place. My truck's headlights illuminated Leah as she sat on the porch steps. She glared at me and I tried to force a smile, even though I was pretty sure she couldn't see me. I looked over at Seth as I put the truck in park. He lowered his head.
"I'm sorry, Bella. Please forgive me," he said. How could I stay mad at him?
"It's okay, Seth. Just…please…don't bring it up again. I'm trying to work through it," I said with a weak smile.
"Good luck with that," he said, glancing sympathetically at me. I nodded and put the truck in reverse, the engine roaring in the night. I got to the end of their winding driveway and stopped. Which way should I go? Taking a left would take me to where my head said I should be. Taking a right would lead me where my heart wanted to be. To Emily's house or the Blacks' house?
It was as if I became possessed and was having an out of body experience. The bumps and dips were familiar as my thoughts forced my body into auto pilot until I found myself pulling up to the Blacks' house. It was where I needed to be. I killed the engine, knowing that Jacob heard me come up the driveway. Heck, I bet the neighbors knew I was here too, with the deafening sounds my engine emitted.
I forced out what were supposed to be calming breaths as I grabbed my backpack and the leftover pizza. I convinced myself that I couldn't not bring him leftovers from his favorite pizza parlor, that if I brought the man cold pizza, he'd forgive me in an instant. I was weak, I knew. I laughed at my pathetic life. At least I brought some root beer too. I wanted to show Jacob that I could be his friend too. Even after all this, we could still be friends…right? Why was I so nervous about it? It wasn't as if it was our first fight.
I pushed the door open and let my feet land in the gravel below. I listened to the sound of crushing pebbles with every step. I stopped in front of the door and tried to calm my beating heart. I raised my hand to knock, but I couldn't seem to make my arm work. It's just a door knock, Bella. Knock on the damn door, I tried to give myself a pep talk. Instead of doing as I instructed, I turned and let my body slide against the door until my bottom hit the damp wooden planks of the deck.
I pulled out the fancy new phone Edward had given me, and pulled up Jake's home number. Wow, I was so mature. Was I really going to call him when I was sitting outside? I fingered the button. What would I say to him?
"I miss you," I said quietly to myself. "That's what I'll tell him." The door abruptly flew open and I fell back over the threshold to Jake's feet in my surprise. I looked up to meet Jake's eyes. He held out his hand and pulled me up without a word.
At least I assumed it was Jake. This Jake wasn't right. His eyes were haunted, his skin was sallow, and there was no warm glow around him. He looked at me, then turned and went into the house, leaving the door open to me. I grabbed my backpack and the pizza.
"I'm glad you're here. I miss you too," he whispered. I stepped up to him, my heart pounding in my chest. Who was this man in front of me?
"Oh, Jake…" I started, reaching up to touch his cheek. He took a step back so I wouldn't touch him. Suddenly I recognized the look on his face.
Jacob had the same look as the one I had seen in the mirror all those months Edward had been gone.
"I'm so sorry, Jacob. So, so sorry. Can you forgive me?" He sighed. The lack of warmth in his face was making me feel physically ill. He turned away from me and walked to the windows, looking out into the night. I watched him, looking for emotions to cross his face, but there were none. He muttered something unintelligible before leaning against the wall, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes and finally coming to a crash on the floor. I was horrified. What had I done?
"Jake, Jake…I'm so sorry…" I said, rushing over to him and wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders. He stiffened and feebly attempted to shrug me off of him, but I gripped him tightly. "Jake…what is the matter with you?" I whispered.
"Without the sun I wilt?" he retorted with a half laugh. I traced my finger across his cheek. What was I thinking? Being with him raised so many questions and emotions in my head.
I was like air, food, and water to Edward, because like all these things, he didn't need me. I was the same thing to Jacob, something that he needed. Without me, he would wither away and die. What was I saying? Edward didn't need me? Of course he needed me. Hadn't he proven that? He had been nothing but loving towards me.
Or had he? He had left me broken. Who put me back together and kept me that way? Jacob. Jake wasn't like Edward. Edward was like a dandelion. He would grow and flourish anywhere and everywhere, in the sun or not. Jake, on the other hand, was truly like a sunflower. He would always look to me as his sun, as his life source. Without it, he would wither away. Would Edward? Edward didn't even want me forever. He was only willing to change me because he had to, because the Volturi told him that it was non-negotiable.
How could I do to Jacob what Edward had done to me? What did it say about me?
I looked down at him in my arms, and felt my heart breaking. How could I do this? Before anything else, Jake was my best friend. I wanted to take away his pain and do what was right. I tightened my grip on him and nuzzled my head against him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my lips brushing against his ear. His head whipped up and he yanked himself out of my grasp easily, even though I had been holding onto him with all my might. He slid across the hardwood floor, staring at me like I was a stranger. We stared at each other for a moment, not moving, not saying a word. I slowly crawled across the floor until my face was inches from his.
I took his hands and started to speak when he leaned in, pressed his forehead against mine, and stared into my eyes. His left hand ran up my arm then pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. I stared into his dark eyes as he cupped my face. He brought his lips to my skin, they were hot against my jaw. He pulled my body against his, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. His breath was heavy on my neck as we sat there.
I took a deep breath and bit my lip as I wrapped my arms around his hard body. I couldn't do this. I was going to be the bad guy again. I was going to kiss him and let him love me, and I was going to love him. I would be the cruel Bella that had made Seth look down on me.
Fair or not, Jake was right for me, and I was right for him.
I kissed his lips once. "I'm sorry," I panted, then kissed him again. He tore his lips from mine.
"Don't be sorry, Bella. Your apologies don't mean anything anymore. You'll be sorry again tomorrow, I'm sure. Don't be sorry. Just for once, be responsible for your actions. Be fair to both of us," he said roughly, holding me tight as he stood up, pulling us off the floor. I was shocked by his cold words, but ecstatically happy that he still held me tight in his arms.
I heard the door snap shut as my back pressed against it and Jake fumbled with the locks to click them into place. As I ran my tongue along his collarbone, he gasped and stumbled across the room, falling onto the overstuffed couch.
"Jake, I can't promise…" I started.
"No promises," he said, dragging his tongue against my neck and tugging my hair out of the ponytail holder. My body arched against him. "Your promises mean nothing to me. It has been hell staying away from you, Bella. I've been going out of my fucking mind. I never dreamed being away from you would be so terrible," he growled as his hand crept under my shirt, finding the stiff peak of my nipple waiting for him. I whimpered against his lips.
"I've been so miserable," I moaned against him as my hands worked their way up his bare back. I knotted my hands in his short black hair, pulling him to me, crushing his lips against mine and kissing him with hunger. "Please forgive me," I pleaded with him. I ground my body against his, feeling his arousal underneath my own.
If I'm going to Hell, I might as well do it thoroughly, my mind thought. I immediately cursed myself for letting my mind flit to Edward's words, but they were true. If I was going to do this, I might as well enjoy every moment. I dug my nails into Jake's shoulders, breathing in his musky scent while fighting the urge to continue to apologize to him. I knew he didn't want to hear my apologies.
I stood up and pulled my t-shirt over my head, all inhibitions were gone. I reached my arms back, flicked the clasp of my bra open, and let it fall to the floor. I relished in Jake's hungry gaze running over me. I knelt down in front of him and unbuttoned his jeans, carefully pulling down the zipper. He growled deep in his chest and pushed me gently to the floor, kissing his way up from my waistline to my neck.
His right hand crept down my body as his mouth worked magic against mine. His mouth followed his fingers and he slowly started inching my pants down. I flicked them off once they were to my ankles, kicking them to places unknown. He took me up in his arms and deposited me on the big recliner before bringing his body down on top of mine.
"God, Bella, the things you do to me," he groaned against my lips. I locked my legs around his waist, feeling his nakedness against my thin cotton panties. I held him as close to me as possible, burying my face against his skin. His fingers laced in my hair and pulled my head back, again crushing his lips to mine. I clung to him, never wanting to stop kissing him. He pulled his lips away from me, and inched them down my body.
His teeth grazed slightly against my nipples, making me gasp in surprise and pleasure. His touches were perfection. He knelt to the ground in front of the chair, his mouth left my breasts in favor of my stomach. His kisses dipped lower until they were along my panty line. He growled again as he got closer to my wetness. I knew that the scent of my arousal always seemed to send him into a fit of beautiful insanity. I could feel his breath on the cotton as he sat there for a moment, hands on my hips. His eyes met mine as he pulled down my panties.
He didn't ask, but I did not stop him as he worked my panties from my legs. I felt his lips caress my thighs as he kissed his way up my legs. His warm breath tickled me more the closer he got to my center. I was trembling before his mouth even touched me. I felt like I was on fire, and I wondered if this might be too much to take.
My body jumped as his hot tongue dove into me. I gasped and squirmed slightly until he put his hands on my hips to hold them in place. As his tongue moved inside me, he moaned and the vibrations rocked through my body. Confident that I wouldn't squirm away, he brought his right hand to my clit as his tongue danced against me. My legs wove around his shoulders, keeping him against me as one of my hands dove into my hair and the other gripped the arm of the chair for support.
"Jake…" I managed, my body beginning to shake uncontrollably. My body was on the edge, and just before I thought I was dying from need, the bubble burst and I cried his name. Instead of stopping his assault on my clit, he kept going. I writhed in pleasure, gasping for breath as he brought me over the edge again. I was crying for him, tears coursing down my cheeks because of my need for him.
"I could get used to you screaming my name like that, Bella," he said with a wicked grin. His hot breath against me did wonders for me, and I wanted more. He willingly obliged me. Mm. Screaming his name. I like screaming his name…my thoughts trailed off. I started to hyperventilate. I was screaming his name. Where was Billy? Jake didn't seem to notice my internal struggle, but then again, I had been panting for some time now. I tried desperately to squirm out of his hold on me while he tried desperately to keep practicing his already perfect skill.
"Jake. Jacob…" I panted, trying to sit up.
"Yes, Bella?" he asked, kissing the insides of my thighs. I quivered with need. I wanted him more than I ever thought possible. But where was everyone?
"Where is Billy?" I squeaked. "And Rachel?" He laughed, but I saw nothing funny about this. "Jacob!"
"Bells, remember? He and Charlie went down to that town outside Olympia for the weekend. Fishing trip." Ah, yes, I remembered. I lay back against the recliner again. He laughed. "As you wish." I moaned his name again as I felt him licking every juice my body offered him. My head was spinning. I could hear music, and it sounded oddly like The Police. Funny, I wouldn't have thought that Sting would have been the go to guy for sex music...
"Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you…" I looked down next to me and saw my phone lighting up and vibrating where it had landed after falling out of my pocket. I looked at the clock and saw it was almost five in the morning. Why would Edward be calling me at this hour? Before I knew it, my hand acted on its own and reached down to pick up and turn on the phone.
Jacob growled fiercely against me. I felt his body quake. This was not a playful and lust-filled growl like the previous ones. I grabbed a hold of his hair and tried to yank him back, but he was having none of that. A shiver came over me as I said hello and Jacob started sucking on my clit again. My body jumped. What was he doing? I squirmed under him, and he held me still. Oh, no, this was a bad idea. A very bad idea indeed.
"Bella, my love. I've missed you so much," I heard Edward's velvety voice ring over the line. Jacob's fingers dove into me and I scowled at him while trying to hold in a moan. His eyes shot daggers back at me.
"Edward!" I exclaimed at the tail end of my gasp. "You startled me. I didn't expect you to be home so early." Yanking on Jake seemed useless. He just seemed to revel in the pain. I wanted to whimper in bliss but I couldn't. Jake was surely going to kill me.
"I'm sorry to call you so early, love. I just couldn't wait until you were up. We're back. We just got into Forks. Come home, love. I can't wait to see you." As he said those words, Jake's fingers probed more deeply into me while his tongue flicked my clit.
"Ah…that's so awesome," I moaned, partly to Edward, but mostly to Jake.
"Bella?" Edward asked.
"I…ah…can't wait to see you," I said, my breath coming in short gasps. "I'll get everything together and be there as soon as I can." Jacob was not playing nice.
"I'll meet you in your room. I love you," he said, his voice sinfully sweet and melodic. I tried with all my might to pull Jake away. His skills were amazing, but this wasn't the time. I couldn't have Edward and Jake colliding like this. They should have never collided like this. He probed his fingers inside me, and I had to bite the pillowed armrest to not scream in pleasure. I realized Edward was still on the phone and I quickly tried to come up with something to say.
"I love you too. I'll see you in a bit." I pressed the end button and dropped the phone. I looked down at Jake still buried inside me. I was so angry with him, but so aroused at the same time. I was about to speak when the hand that had been tormenting me was slapped over my mouth before I could say anything.
I was too shocked for words, and I didn't know how to react to this. He sucked and slicked his tongue on my clit, nipping it softly until I came once more, screeching his name, muffled behind his hand. I lay in a blubbering heap half on and half off the recliner as he pulled himself away from me.
"Yeah, you're real fucking sorry, Bella," he hissed, pain and hate washing over his face. I looked at him and wanted to get mad. Part of me felt I had the right to get mad. But I couldn't. I lay there, trying to catch my breath with him scowling at me. "You better get home before your precious Edward does. I'm sure you want to shower my stench off so you don't offend your cold, dead leech."
I bit back all the things I wanted to say. I wanted to scream at him, to be mad for what he did and what he had said. On the other hand, I wanted to take him in my arms, beg for his forgiveness, stay the night, and forget that Edward Cullen even existed. As I looked into Jacob's hardened face, I realized this was not something I could do; no matter how much I wanted it. I sat up, grabbed my panties and jeans, and hurriedly put them on in silence.
"That's right, Bella, you'd better hurry before the filthy bloodsucker catches you feeling alive for once," he snarled. I had never seen Jake like this before, and in all honesty, I was nervous and more than a little scared. Unfortunately, my shirt and bra were proving to be hard to find.
"Jake…" I whispered.
"No, Bella." He wouldn't even let me say anything.
Finally, I found my bra underneath the end table. The tension in there was so thick I could barely move. My shirt was under the coffee table and as I pulled it over my head, I turned to look at him. His body was as scary as his tone. His veins were bulging and his jaw was clenched so tightly it looked like he was in real physical pain.
"Jacob," I started again.
"You know what? I don't want to hear it, Bella. Go run along to death, and see what he brings you. See what loving him gets you. I can't, I won't stand by while you let your heart turn to stone," he ranted, pacing nude around the small living room. He was suddenly in front of me, sticking his hand under my shirt. With a hard and angry expression over his face, his warm hand came to rest against my chest, feeling my heartbeat.
"I can feel it, but I'm beginning to think that he's infected it with his cold, icy ways," he hissed, bringing his fingers up to my hair and tugging it back so I could look at him. "Should I start mourning you now, Bella? Already too far gone, I think," he sighed, letting me go. He stepped away, not looking at me. "You're already fucking gone."
I hadn't noticed that he had backed me up to the door until he reached around me and undid the locks. I took a shaky breath.
"I'm not gone, not yet, Jacob," I said. This was killing me. I felt my heart splintering at my own words. Instead of looking at him, I slipped out the door like a coward and let it close in my wake. I ran to my truck, repeating to myself over and over, Don't look back, don't look back. I knew if I looked back, I would give into my need and run back to him, and swear never to let him go. I couldn't do that, could I?
I gripped the wheel as the engine roared to live, then spun out of the driveway. As I passed the Clearwaters' driveway, I wondered if I had made the wrong decision in going to Jake's house. Had I gone the wrong way? Had I made a mistake? I wanted to cry, but I couldn't let myself fall apart yet. I drove as fast as the truck would allow me to get back to Forks, cursing my life. I cursed Jacob for the way he made me feel, I cursed Edward for coming back, and I cursed myself for being stupid enough to fall in love with two men.
Okay, so Edward is back. what's going to happen? Your guess is as good as mine right now. I've got about one more week until classes are over for the summer break.
Heart in a headlock is up for the best Jacob/Bella story at the 2010 silent tear awards. Will you vote for me? http:// silent-tear-awards (dot) webs (dot) com/nominees (dot) htm I have a couple really good friends up for awards as well, Behind the Clouds by echoesoftwilight, Dark Games and Twisted Minds by katinki, Hold On by todream, and Never Saw That Coming by LJSummers. check them out.
Big hugs to tjb for all your help this chapter. I'm lucky to have you.
