I know. So fucking long ago. What happened to my balancing. It flew off the roof, out the backstreet, through the suburbs, up to mars, and I had to go through so much traffic to get back and forth.

Anyways, I made it! So that's an accomplishment. I would say, 'I'll make another one very soon!' But I am not going to lie to you guys. Schools a pain in the ass. Tests are stressful. Who the hell decided everything shall be shoved to last quarter? I can promise you that when I have the time, I will try to finish this series, but I have no idea when that is. So anyway. 5,000 word chapter. Shit is starting to build up. Big conflict in next chapter. Everything's set up. SUCH A LONG PARAGRAPH ANN, JUST LET ME READ!

I thank everyone who will still be here after horrible updating, and I thank everyone who follows favs, and reviews. Enjoy!

...

Chapter 9- These Fucking Incomprehensible Shouts

Seven guards, fully armed, were walking Eren down this puny hall. Seven. Their steps were unheard by Eren, his hands barely shaking, unable to see by the human eye. He was frightened. That's what he was. This day had been the one he prayed not to have; to be a prisoner in the Titans headquarters. His words the only thing that would matter, his body thrown into shambles. He felt his body start to collapse, step by step.

Don't let them break your stride.

The lady's words popped in his mind like that embarrassing childhood moment we all have. She mentioned a lot of things, including his mother. How did she know about his mother? Mother was dead. He knew that from long ago, but mother never went outside. Mother didn't have friends. Mother only talked to family. What did that woman do to deserve mother's attention?

Even though he had questions, he followed her advice. His chin was held high, fists clenched and his mouth perched into a thin line, showing no emotion. His footsteps got sloppy, slowly letting the boots clack on the infallible floor. The soldiers noted this behavior, and gave him a intense glare. Eren didn't care. He wouldn't care about them, or his punishment. He was already preparing his mind for what was about to happen.

"There isn't any way to prepare yourself." A soldier bluntly said, as if reading Eren's mind. "Just hope for the best."

One of them opened the door slowly, politely. Unlike the slamming noises he had heard all damn day. A man he didn't recognize sat on the other side of the room, black leather chair leaning back to look outside the large window behind him. Another woman sat there instead, looking like his secretary. She had a fitted black vest, under it a button up yellow dress shirt. Her yellow high heels were nearly blinding, and he thought she could kill somebody with them. A high ponytail held her naturally blonde hair, going along with her sea foam green eyes. Her pencil skirt didn't help her movement any as she pushed up her circular glasses to look at Eren, examining him.

A soldier gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing. "We have brought the Phoenix, sir."

The man in the chair swiveled around immediately. Without a doubt, his features were stunning. His chin was impeccable, along with his just-right nose and black hair. He had a similar cut to Levi, and looked quite like him. One thing that Eren could point out right away is that he had ravishing blue irises that were inside stone cold eyes.

"Hello, Phoenix." He slithered out, the distaste of the words sinking in like poison to Eren. His fingers intertwined, then leaning over the table and putting his elbows on the table.

"I am the President of the Titans."

Erens mind seemed to be blown at that moment. He sure as hell looked fine, but in no way would he think he was a president. The president did wear a suit, but if you put him in casual clothes he'd look like a celebrity. Basically, he looked like an attention whore. Not a leader.

"I am Eren Jaeger, but if you're more comfortable with Phoenix, that is fine also." Eren bitterly replied, disliking the taste of the words like the taste of bad candy.

The President stood up abruptly, not bothering to push his chair in. "You have caused us a lot of trouble, Phoenix..." His fingers traced his desk, not a speck of dirt getting on them. Rubbing his fingers together to check, he looked over at Eren. "So, we just want you to answer one question. It's very simple, really. Just answer the question honestly. That's all."

Eren held his breath. This was it. The question that would decide his fate. What would his mother not want him to answer? Would it be something secret? Something about his father? His family? His friends? Eren felt his chest constrict, holding in a stabbing pain of anticipation.

"What are your worst fears?"

A five fucking word question. That was it. Eren nearly choked in trying to hold his laughter in. What a stupid question. Of course he had fears, who wouldn't? Compared to his fears, he was but an ant compared to giants, his fear overbearing.

"..." Eren said nothing, his expression not changing. He stared at the man straight in the eye, not moving. His fingers barely moved while his heart trembled.

"No answer, eh?" The man sighed, looking over at his secretary. He took a pale green pill, the color of celery, and disturbingly shoved it down Erens throat. Forced it down, nearly breaking teeth along the way. He tried to choke it back up, but the man kept shoving it back down. The man looked disgusted at the saliva on his hand, immediately wiping it off. Teeth marks showed on his wrists, but he didn't bother to comment about them.

"In approximately 60 seconds," he starts, walking back to his chair. "You will be put under a stimulation. It will expose your deepest, worst fears and put them in front of you. You do nothing but watch, okay? There is no way out until you go through all of your fears." He grabs the black sides of his chair to sit back down. "Afterwards, your brain will make you spill all of your fears out. If you say you don't fear anything, then..."

But Eren can't hear his words, his mind becoming numb. His fingers and toes were now nerveless, his whole body feeling nothing. It seemed like the perfect time to refresh by taking a nap.

Don't let them steal your light.

But what if they're stealing it right now?

Eren's eyes drooped one more time before Eren's head tilted forward almost immediately after his eye lids closed. The man smiled an evil grin.

"Jeannette, get me Hanji, please."

The woman nodded, smiling warmly. "Of course, President Leville."


Erwin was sitting at his desk, sorting through pointless papers. He had just been in an agonizingly long meeting, his back aching after slouching over. The meeting was about what to do with the other survivors, and frankly, he didn't care. They could go die for all he cared.

But Levi was different. In the spur of the moment, he had the audacity to go against literally every other person in the room. From the outside, Levi was calm. He still looked pissed off all the time and everyone still feared him, but Erwin could tell. His eyes would always have no reflection; they were dull and bored. Today, Levi seemed desperate for something. Maybe he didn't even realize it himself, but Erwin could. His eyes reflected worry, sorrow, and hatred. Nobody except people he knew really well would be able to tell.

So that was one problem.

"Hey Erwin!" A cheerful girl said, bouncing around in his office. Her smile was mesmerizing to him, her eyes a usual color but beautiful to him. She went over and jumped on his back, as always. Her glasses were crooked, and he seemed to have spotted a crack in them now. He sighed, laying down the unsigned papers carefully.

"Hello, Hanji."

His second problem.

Hanji had been like this ever since they had gotten back from picking up Levi. She was... well, her normal self. She would jump around, be clumsy, dance to music like an idiot, and laugh so much that her eyes watered all the time. Seriously, an old dance song started playing in the halls, what was it, #selfie? But besides that, she literally dropped her clipboard and started doing the sprinkler and other random and ridiculous dance moves. She also pulled Erwin in and ordered him to dance with her. Like hell he knew how.

But Hanji didn't care, and just laughed and danced with his stiff dance moves and twirled around each other. They danced until the guards started to turn corners, because of course it would ruin both of their reputations.

"What. Is. Uuuuuuuup?" She lousily said, slouching over on his shoulder. "Papers again? Damn, I hate those." She whined in his ear, Erwin looking over at her now.

"Don't you think Levi has been off since we have gotten back?" Hanji pointed out, and in Erwin's mind he had to agree. There was something going on with him. "He's been soooo out of it, even when I try to call his name. He's been more gloomy than usual, and I think it's cuz of the new kid." She mumbled while shoving a candy bar in her mouth. As she chewed it up, Erwin just stared at her.

She swallowed after a few seconds, and the second she did, Erwin pulled her chin in and leaned in.

Slap!

Hanjis hand flew directly at Erwin's left cheek, sneering at him. This is what always happened. Every damn time he tried to make a move on her, she would turn back. You know, like the way she was before she went over with the flyer. She held her hand up in the air once more, looking like she was struggling not to hit him again as her hand was shaking. Hanji glared at Erwin, slowly letting her hand breeze down and sigh heavily.

"Do not.." She addressed firmly, "... Do that again. One more time will ruin what we have already." Hanji noted as seriously as possible. Erwin felt a pain in his heart and a cringe in his stomach. He wanted to kiss her again so badly, so desperately that he felt like a dog. Hah. As low as a pet. What had he become?

"Hanji."

Erwin recognized the voice as the president's secretary immediately, turning around quickly while Hanji didn't seem to mind, serious as always. The two times nowadays when she was serious; when Erwin made a move on her and when anyone worth something politically was around. She'd be an idiot around her assistants.

Hanji leaned over on Erwin's desk, pretending to seem annoyed. "Yes?" She slurred purposely, eyes bored.

The secretary smiled with her mask on, being 'nice and polite'. "The president requires your help with the prisoner-... Phoenix, immediately." She turned on her heels quicker than lightning. "Let's go." Hanji just stared at her for a moment and clicked her tongue.

"Eren." Hanji mentioned bluntly.

"Hmm?"

"His name is Eren, not the Phoenix."

"He... Said he didn't mind." She said as politely as possible.

"That doesn't mean you take that for an answer." Hanji started to walk out of the door, leaving Erwin without a glance.

"He is human, you know."


I am at a place I used to see in history books. Long ago, they called it an 'amusement park'. Gigantic metal structures are holding mini trains, while random people are eating pink clouds and golden apples. They are dressed weirdly, because I have never seen these types of shapes and colors. The ground is concrete and wood, but that's basically the only thing I know about this place.

What surprises me the most is how many people there are. Children and mothers holding hands, groups of friends walking around cheerfully, two individuals cuddling on a bench. The mood seems so... Light. So happy. Everyone is carefree; everyone is having a great time. They treat each other the same, skin color not a problem. The train would fall down the metal structure and they would smile, they would laugh, they would throw their hands up in the air. Screams filled the sky. Not deadly, like the ones I hear daily. It was joyful, happy, exhilarating. It was undoubtedly beautiful. Everything was beautiful.

I only felt my body shake as I watched the events.

What was I afraid of? Being normal? Happy? New surroundings? All things I am not? That would be dumb. No, I am not afraid of them. I wouldn't even mind being in their situation with my friends.

I would just feel out of place.

..

My friends stand around me. Mikasa, Armin, Ymir, Christa, Jean, Annie. It seemed normal; they were all in a circle at home. There was only one thing wrong; I was in the middle of the circle.

"Hey Marco!"

... Okay, two things wrong.

"Marco?" I said, astounded. I was genuinely concerned about him. How was he? Geez, I thought he was dead!

Everybody turned their eyes and stared at me.

Disgusted.

What was wrong? It was me, for crying out loud. I tried to raise my hands, but then I realized; they were tied around my back, Mikasa's untie-able knot scratching against my wrists.

Jean sneered at me. That was normal, since he hated me anyways. "Why is the prisoner talking?"

Prisoner? I am a prisoner?! Okay, now Jean took it a bit too far. He needs to take it down a notch. I am going to chew him out so-

Whap!

I feel a handprint imprinted on my cheek, my neck nearly cracking by the force. My eyes widen, shocked and furious. Jean, fucking hit me one more time. I start to turn around and swing my head to spit words of hate to him-

Mikasa.

Mikasa looks at me like I am a person who just stepped on her scarf. Annie looks at me like she did the first time she met everyone, not a glossy layer holding in her feelings, but letting her hatred show out. Ymir and Christa snuggle each other, Ymir cocking her head at me while covering Christa's eyes. Marco bursts into tears and runs to Jean, collapsing in his arms. Armin doesn't even look at me.

Mikasa no longer wears that scarf.

"Why is the monster talking?!" Marco nearly screeched, staring at me in terror. What? I'm not a monster, he said that so many times. They all said it. They love me. That'll never change. I open my mouth to explain that I'm not a threat, that I love them-

"I have no fucking clue. Kick him again." Annie hacked, spitting on my cheeks that were paling. Ymir walked over almost immediately, kissing Christa on the cheek before going, and swung her leg like a golf club. It hit me in my temple, nearly giving me a concussion as I flew into the wall.

Dazed, Ymir grabs me by my shirt, and starts punching me. Beating me. Obsessively. Again and again and again and again...

...and again...and again...

"He looks like a faggot." Said what sounded like Jean, but I couldn't tell. All I know is that my body shakes violently, and I hurt. I hurt so, so badly-

"What a worthless piece of shit. He's not normal, so why treat him like he is?" Annie said, crouching down beside me and yanking my hair so she could look me in the eyes. She laughed. Not at my appearance, no matter how rugged or bruised I probably looked like right now.

She laughed at me.

Thorns started to squeeze my heart, my chest crunching under the pressure. I hacked and coughed up blood as everyone started to kick me hard in the gut, one by one.

"You're a monster!" Christa screamed.

"We all hate you." Kick.

"We don't need you." Kick.

"Go fuck yourself." Kick.

"Go die." Kick.

"We never loved you." Kick. Hack.

Mikasa's laugh. "Where did you get the absurd possibility that we ever did?"

..

I am no longer bruised or beaten. I stand in front of a scraggly old man at his knees. He wears a tuxedo and you could nearly see cash overflow in his pockets. He now had a few good punches imprinted on his left cheek, nose bleeding out just a bit.

The man looks desperately at me, grabbing at my worn pants. Never have I seen a man so high fall so low. I mean, begging me, the Phoenix, for help? What absurdity. His eyes look glossy, desperate, and watery over all. It's then I realize something. He isn't asking for my help.

He's asking for my mercy.

"Please..." His voice sounds raspy and almost like a whisper, parched. His left eye is purple and swollen while scratches are compiled on his face. "Please..." It seems like he can't even finish his sentence. His fingers are bulky, covered in chicken grease from eating a buffet and stains of pens, which I could tell he was signing documents with.

And it is disgusting to me. It is vile.

My body acts on its own, slamming in down into the ground and stepping on the hand that he touched me with. He cries out in pain, and I can't even control my mind.

"Get your repulsive, stomach-churning hand off of me." I snap, cracking another bone. His body coils around the area in pain, and for some reason,

I feel satisfied. Satisfied that this horrible man can die. Rot. Never breathe again.

My body begins to do the unimaginable to this man. It feels like my first fear, where I could only watch the events happen, yet I am in my body. I feel joy and fear.

Is this who I really am to people?

This beast?

This monster?

..

"Hey, Levi," I say, opening the door to a house. It looked like a cute little cottage, perfect for one or two people. "I didn't expect you to be here."

Levi chuckled a bit, and I smiled. My lips curled like a smile, but it felt forced. "I didn't expect to be here either." He walks through the door, dropping off his bag at the green couch and flipping his shoes off slowly. He made himself at home.

"Would you like some tea or something?" I asked him, walking towards the kitchen. My dialogue felt a bit too rehearsed, a bit to forced. Everything seemed forced.

"No." He answers immediately, intertwining his own fingers and putting them on his lap. "I came to talk to you about something else." His expression wasn't normal. It was stern and blunt, not relaxed and calm as it should have been. I felt he had rehearsed his words too. "Sit next to me."

I strolled over, flopping down on the couch. My movements were stiff, and my fingernails dug a bit too deep into the cushion. "I'm here." I said bluntly, and he took one small, but noticeable, deep breath.

"Let's break up."

My breathing took a sharp halt, sucking in wind because it felt like it was knocked outta me. "Let me explain a bit before you go ape shit on me." He says quickly after. "I remember when you loved me. You really did, and you'd come over every day to show it. You'd go that extra mile; you'd stay up that extra hour just so you could see me after work. Where is that now? Where's our commitment? I heard from Mikasa that you've been distant from everyone lately, and I'm not going to put up with it. What's it been, half a year since you actually went to my work-"

That was enough bullshit. I cut him off there, chuckling. This fucking retard. "That's not love, Levi. That's wishing you'd stay. New couples do those kinds of things because they are scared that their partner will leave them if they don't. I thought you wouldn't anymore." I stood up, not wanting to sit down next to him anymore. It felt sickening. "If your definition of love is boxes of chocolates, then I don't know why I stayed."

Didn't he see that I'm still trying to recover? I am recovering from the events that changed my life. So many people... I killed so many people, and he barely cares about how I feel about it. Now that I note it, he only truly smiled whenever I gave him something...

"Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I was sick? I lost jobs because I would stay at your place taking care of you. I was there whenever you were stressed, or you needed to take some anger out. Not once... Not once did you ever say 'I love you!' Not once did you ever say 'I'm here for you'!" My eyes were reluctantly filled with water. Levi's eyes looked the same as ever. "I think you were just in the spur of the moment of war, just wanting to save the damsel-"

"Will you shut up?" Levi abruptly cut me off, angering me. "I understand that I made some mistakes-"

"You couldn't have made any mistakes, since you never tried to make it right."

"If you understand, Levi," I snarled, and for one moment his eyes looked hurt. That didn't stop me though. He didn't know my pain. He didn't know me. After so long... After so many hardships... "Get the hell out of my house."

...

I am in my own body. I sit in a sturdy leather chair that is lifted up off the ground, such as a hairstylist would use. My hair and skin is clean, surprisingly without a cut or scrape. My clothes have been dry-cleaned an ironed, my shoes polished. I look cleaner than I ever have been before.

I look in front of me, and all I see is a mirror. It is rectangular and small, so I can only see my head. Even my neck is barely there, and all I am staring at is my face. Yes, I have brown hair, so what? There is nothing very special about me. Tanned skin, check. Emerald green eyes-

... Check. Golden... Eyes. ...Check.

One of my eyes turns into a deep, yellow gold. It glows, and the sight of it sends a shiver down my back. I try to stand up, but my body feels as heavy as my heart right now. All I can do is stare. Is this what they call 'half face'? One side of my face has an emerald eye and a calm expression, as if feeling a breeze in the meadow. Yet, the other side has a fierce golden eye and an evil, vile smirk, looking terrifying. This is probably my 'alter ego', isn't it? But it doesn't feel right. It is me. Not an invisible ego. It is me.

And finally, I can tell one thing that I am scared of.

I am scared of myself.

..

Eren woke up with a startle, hyperventilating and scrambling for comfort. His blood pressure was too high, and his heart was thumping wildly. He couldn't tell reality from fantasy. His body shook violently, sweat dripping from his eyebrows and fingertips.

The president smiled quietly, a satisfied smile. He walked over, ignoring his secretary and Hanji as they walked in. Hanji stared at Eren with sympathy and pain.

"So," the clack of his shoes stopped as he turned to Eren, blue, cold eyes meeting emerald green. "Are you ready to spill?"


Levi flopped onto his king mattress, a gothic design dressing his room. The curtains were closed, the lights dimmed, and his door shut, but not locked. A brown, ruffled book was held in his hand, holding much dirt and scratches on the outside of his fabric.

He had never had the audacity to open the book while he was in the cave, since it was Erens. Though he would never admit it, he respected Eren's privacy. But now? Eren was here no more, and it was evidence. Nothing else.

He opened the worn book, to find doodles on the front page. He nearly chuckled. I should've expected that from him. He sat there for a moment. Wait, what?! This is the Phoenix's notebook; imagine what I could find to make him beg for mercy.

But he already knew what Eren loved the most. What he held the most pride for. What he hated himself for. This book would do no good. Levi refused to believe it, refused to believe anything he knew or thought before, and flipped through a few pages. The last time... No, this time he realized that the pages were filled with song lyrics. Scribbled out words, circled and underlined ones, you name it. All of them were named and finished.

Except one.

It was nearly at the end of the notebook, and it looked newly written. It only had a few lines, pen marks fresh and paper not shaded from mistakes, and was labeled The Lonely. Levi couldn't help but read this one, for it felt that it was for him. He looked down, almost robotically, because he didn't have a choice. His heart told him so.

2am; where do I begin,

Crying off my face again.

The silent sound of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a boy that I want to be most.

I'm the shell of a boy that I used to know well.

Dancing slowly in an empty room,

Can the lonely take the place of you?

I sing myself a quiet lullaby.

Let you go and let the lonely in

To take my heart again.

Levi just sat there for a bit, looking and reading the sheet of paper over and over. Before he could stop, or even think, a knock came from the door. Levi looked over briefly, barely murmuring, "Come in." To the person outside. His seemed to nearly crack, words surging and boiling in his throat.

The door creaked open because it was opened so slowly.

"... Levi?" A voice asked, feminine and small.

"Petra." Levi noted as he turned his head slightly. The floor shook a bit when Petra stepped in, slowly scrolling Levi's face and not daring to get close.

"What's up?" She said lightly, trying to smile, but it wouldn't work in the first place. Levi was angry, depressed, a swirling pool of angst. Petra sighed, flopping down on the other side of Levi's bed. "The new prisoner, right?

Levi perked up a little, looking over at Petra. "What?" He asked again, eyes dull.

"That's what got you down. That new prisoner." Petra repeated, looking bored. "That's a waste of time. He's worthless to us higher ups." The statement was bluntly pronounced, and before Levi could snap something at her, she continued. "But that's what makes us human. The most worthless things in life, things that can be replaced with something better, is the thing we care most for. It's the things everyone craves having. A priceless jewel that belongs to you and only you." She let the rest of her body fall on the feather bed, hair everywhere. "I'm just amazed you found yours before I found mine."

"... You talk so much bullshit, Petra."

"I'm your sister. What the hell do you expect?" She smirked, turning over to him.

Levi rolled his eyes, closing the notebook and getting off the bed. "What the hell do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, to tell you the truth. They are investigating him right now, so no need to interfere." She started. "But, let me tell you this; I'm younger than you, but I'm not stupid. They're doing the PAT test. And for a monster like him... I'm not sure it'll be very pretty."

The Pop A Truth test. Make you feel complete hell at sometimes. Levi knew what that felt like, yet he held his ground. What was the point of going? What could he do?

There wasn't anything he could do now.


There was no clacking of chains or stomping of boots. Mikasa, Ymir, Christa, Armin, and Annie stood in line, nothing on their faces. If anything, they were crushed. Not because Levi betrayed them, but Levi betrayed Eren. Eren. It made their blood boil, their faces twist.

"We have to do something," Christa whispered lowly to Ymir, so the guards would not hear her.

"Shut up." Ymir snapped back, startling Christa. Why would Ymir do that? She had never done that before...

Then was when she realized, Ymir was probably the only one who held as much anger as Mikasa for this situation. She had been with Eren longer than Annie and her, and was not as forgiving as Armin. She had seen Eren change, had seen Erens feelings for Levi. Christa could tell. Levi betraying Eren made her sick. It was sick.

They started to go down the hallway of stairs, a spiral staircase that wasn't supposed to be in a prison. The soldier threw all of them into one cell, slamming the door shut. You couldn't see the walls; they were invisible, so you could see all the other prisoners around you. It was sorta like a force field.

"...sorry." Was the fine whisper that came out of Ymir's mouth, and Christa felt relieved. "We needed to be somewhere they couldn't hear us." She coughed, making room for the rest to join in the circle.

".. We are going to attack." Annie murmured, but not softly enough. Nearly all of the prisoners in the prison, all from outside the walls, turned their heads and looked at her incredulously.

"That's fucking dumb." One of the prisoners finally announced. "All of us had thought about it once before, and we were kidnapped. Now, since you're inside the prison, you think you'll do any better?"

"Yes." Armin yelled, startling Christa. "It makes sense, Annie's idea."

"How?" The boy huffed, looking amused. The voice seemed familiar, but they couldn't see the boys face behind all the other prisoners. "How the hell are we going to attack?"

"Our hardest problem was getting inside the walls." Mikasa noted. "But now... Now we are already inside. The hardest thing we had to do was given to us on a silver platter."

The prisoners' facial expressions started to change. It came from disbelief to concern, concern to hope, and hope to revenge. "All we have to do is get a stupid guard and some weapons. Easy."

The crowd was silent, as if thinking. The boy stood up, and everybody in the cell had opened their eyes wide, Annie included.

"I guess I approve, since we didn't really think about it that way." He smirks, a light in his eyes that they knew all too well.

"I, Jean Kirstein, am in. When do we start?"