Chapter Nine: Eyes Wide Open All The Time
Meredith felt Izzie's judgment eyes on her from the beginning of the day, but wasn't remotely inclined to deal with whatever offense she'd committed. She had a fairly good idea of what it probably was.
She met up with Cristina at lunch time, after discovering that George and Izzie were both still busy.
"So how did you get off call last night?"asked Cristina curiously. Meredith smiled, doubting that Cristina would even appreciate the opportunity to not work for the night.
"I was at dinner with my family," she explained.
"With the Chief? I would kill for a connection like that," said Cristina.
Meredith laughed and shook her head.
"He's not a connection, he's my father."
"Fine, whatever. You've seriously been around here your whole life?" asked Cristina. Meredith shrugged.
"Pretty much. George and I hung around here a lot when we were kids. We lived in New York when I was seven, but then we came back."
"So you knew Bailey when she was an intern?" asked Cristina.
"Of course. Richard used to make Preston Burke take George and me on his rounds," recalled Meredith with a laugh.
"And then there's the fact that you're living with Derek Shepherd..."
"Not living. Well yeah, living, but not living living. Anyway, he's going to get back together with his wife. They're Derek and Addison," explained Meredith.
"Clearly."
"I mean I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. Derek and Addison aren't just a couple, they're a concept. They're perfect and beautiful and just... Derek and Addison."
Cristina laughed and shook her head, already uncomfortable with the bonding. She'd come to Seattle to be a winner, there was no room for Team in the equation.
"So we've been missing you."
Meredith held in a sigh and turned around to face Izzie. She looked up to meet her friend's brown eyes, and thought of how deeply she didn't want to have this conversation.
"There was a time before we all lived together,"she reminded her gently.
"Okay I'm going to talk, and you can talk when I'm done. We've been missing you."
Izzie's eyes probed into her, prompting her into confession.
"Yeah, I..."
"Alex's a boy, Mer. Not a boy like George. A boy who is flirtatious and irritating and sleeps with stupid redheaded nurses. Who thinks it's weird when George and I hang out in the bathroom or get into bed together."
"You like boys, Iz."
"Apparently, you do too," she snapped.
Meredith stared at her in surprise, instantly realizing her true meaning.
"Who told you?" she asked.
"Alex."
Meredith dropped onto the narrow bench between the lockers and ran her fingers through her hair.
"You get why I couldn't tell you, right?"
Izzie hesitantly sat down next to her.
"Because you didn't want to hurt George's feelings, and you wanted to keep everyone from knowing that the Shepherds are breaking up, and you didn't want people to think you were sleeping with an attending, and you're Meredith Grey and have enough people bitching about you behind your back without this, too?" she guessed.
Meredith laughed dryly.
"I guess we did live together a long time."
Izzie laughed as well.
"Should I tell George?" asked Izzie.
"Would you hate me forever if I asked you to not?"
Izzie shook her head.
"On one condition," she said firmly
"What?" asked Meredith nervously.
"Details?"
Meredith laughed again, this time more cheerfully and crossed her legs to face Izzie before beginning to gush about finding him at Joe's and all the hundreds of small, insignificant things that had happened since.
Derek Shepherd looked up in surprise when he realized that Meredith was hovering awkwardly in the doorway of the room, poised to question but nervous to interrupt.
"Dr. Grey," he called out. He smiled briefly at the patient he had been talking to and handed his chart to a nurse. "Do you need me for a consult?"
"Yes. Female patient, 35. She's having seizures that don't seem to be showing up on the scans," she said quickly. He nodded and followed her down the corridor. He glanced around it before pressing his hand to the small of her back and steering her into a supply closet.
"Good cover," he remarked, once they'd closed the door. She smiled.
"I have to admit, I'm impressed."
He smiled fondly at her, for an instant letting her past self and the woman he knew now interlock.
"What's up?"he asked.
"Izzie. She found out about us," said Meredith worriedly.
"How?"
"Alex. I guess he saw us come in together?"
Sensing her worry, Derek cupped her cheek in his hand.
"It's okay. We're not doing anything wrong."
Meredith thought of countering this, but couldn't think of anything to defend her point with. All she could think of were the people-Richard, Ellis, George, Mark-who would object strongly enough to their unlikely union to want to smash Derek's head in.
She looked up to meet his blue eyes, and for a moment she felt the sharp, painful reaction she'd first felt so many years ago. The one she'd managed to bury under excuses, their age difference, all those years. It was still there.
As a child, she'd dreamed of him and Addison breaking up when she was finally old enough for him. Now she was, she wanted him just as badly, and all she could think to do was to hold him close to her, comfort him in any way possible.
Not drag him into her petty dramas.
"You're right. I guess I just don't want people to think we're..."
He smiled, flashing his dimples.
"It would probably help both of our street creds," he joked.
"Richard and Mark would team up to kill you."
He looked down, avoided her gaze, but she didn't notice.
"Probably. You okay now?"
Meredith nodded. He surprised her by leaning forward and giving her a hug, by brushing his lips across her forehead, in a gesture that was part friend, part brother, and, as he realized for a brief instant, part lover.
He left her alone in the closet. She watched him walk away and fell against the wall and sighed deeply, like a girl in the story.
She watched his crisp white labcoat, his perfectly gelled hair. He was the boy in the story. She just wasn't so sure that she was the girl.
After another impatient knock on the door, footsteps came running. He instantly categorized them to be Meredith's, but then remembered that she was grown up. She was too old and too busy to spend all her time at her parent's, waiting for the phone to ring and knocks on the door.
He was taken aback when the door opened, by the tall girl with long, dark, straightened hair.
"Sammie?" he guessed.
She smiled.
"Hey Mark. Guess I'm never going to be just plain "Sam" to you guys, huh?" she guessed.
"Guess not. Is your sister around?" he asked hopefully.
He could already feel it-the calming feeling that he felt around her, like he was actually contributing to something good.
"She doesn't live here, Mark."
She looked surprised, but softened at his sad expression.
"She's probably at the hospital. She might as well live there."
Mark nodded understandingly and turned away after a brief goodbye.
He walked down the flower edged path from the big, comfortable house. He didn't really know why he was here, why he had left behind the woman he'd claimed to love for years, given up on what was in all probability the only chance to be with her, but somehow he knew he'd know when he found her.
Author's note: Hopefully this chapter (and the one coming) will give some of you a little more hope for what's to come.
