Hey guys! Sorry for updating later than I usually do, but I've had a long day. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a crazy cat lady, so it was pretty terrifying when my cat got lost in the woods this morning. Luckily, we were able to find him after about a half an hour of searching, and he's back home safe and sound now. Being an indoor cat and only weighing nine pounds, he isn't really suited to being outside by himself and he was terrified, but he's all good now, thank goodness. I know many of you probably won't care, but I thought I'd tell you since it really threw my day off kilter.

Again, thanks to everyone who's read and supported this fic! I really do appreciate it, and I love hearing from you guys, so please, please, please don't be afraid to drop off a review. Chapter ten is coming soon and I think you guys will really like it. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy!


chapter nine - looks

Hand in hand, Bastien and I made our way through the streets of Berlin. Even at nearly one in the morning, things were still bustling in and around the clubs. I was glad I'd found someone who enjoyed nightlife as much as I did. I was also glad I'd found someone who enjoyed drinking from humans like I did, arguably even more than I did.

When I was with Bastien, I didn't have to feel guilty for feeding off humans. He sure as hell didn't. He loved to hunt and loved to feed, and encouraged me to do the same. When I hunted with him, the gift I'd absorbed from Aro seemed to do much less damage. I still saw every memory, every thought, every feeling the person ever experienced, but it wasn't as vivid. It was like I was seeing them with surround sound in 3D before, and now I saw them as silent, black and white film clips. Perhaps that was because Bastien was using his gift on me to lessen the burden of what I saw. Either way, I appreciated it.

I'd gone through the first six years of my vampire life confused and conflicted when it came to how I felt about feeding off of humans. At times, I felt guilty, because of what I saw when I touched them and how the rest of my family regarded the practice. Other times, I felt justified because of what I'd seen, and because I knew it was what I was built to do. I also justified it because I knew how badly I'd wanted to die and what a gift death could be….if I thought of it like that, I was providing a kind favor to the people I killed rather than harming them.

"Durstig, mein lieber?" Bastien inquired.

"I could go for a drink," I replied.

"Me too," he winked. Nodding towards a young man nearby, he said, "Easy target up ahead."

Bastien was right, the kid was an easy target. He was standing way off away from the queue to get into the club, though his eyes were fixated on the people in said queue, like he was wishing he had the confidence to go and join them. He wasn't dressed like most others were when they were ready for a night out on the town. He was dressed plainly in a pair of jeans and a zip-up emerald sweater. His hair was so blonde it was nearly white, thought it was very neatly cut and styled. His eyes were hazel, framed with lashes as light as his hair. He smelled decent enough.

Bastien winked at me again. I knew the routine. I followed him around to the alley, so the kid we had our eye on could see us, but we'd be out of view of all the people waiting to get in the club. I fell to the ground, and let out my best dramatic moan of pain.

"Hilf uns bitte! Sie hat einen anfall!" Bastien called around the corner. "Please help us! She's having a seizure!"

The kid sprinted around to see what was going on, and as soon as he was out of sight of the main road, Bastien seized him and pinned him against the wall. I leapt up from where I laid on the ground, joining him. Bastien chuckled as he handed the kid to me. He liked watching me kill, and I liked watching him kill. But tonight it was my turn.

The kid's hands hit my face, trying to fend me off. To no avail, of course. But as his hands hit my skin, the gift I absorbed from Aro kicked in.

I saw his whole life. His name was Karl Bauer. He grew up on the East side of the wall. He was the second son, second best. Ignored by his parents and peers alike. He often felt like he could just melt into the ground and no one would notice, because he was nearly invisible already as it was. People always seemed to forget he was there, for some reason. He couldn't figure out why. He was always polite and kind, as his parents had taught him to be. He was struggling with his sexuality. He knew he was gay. He knew the gay crowd would probably be more accepting of him, but he also knew embracing that part of him would severe any bits of a relationship he had with his family.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bastien asked in English as I released Karl from my grip. "Kill him!"

"You take this one," I said.

Bastien's eyes flickered between Karl and I. Karl should've ran, but the fear had paralyzed him. He was standing against the wall still, breathing hard, avoiding eye contact with us. Bastien knew I must've seen something in him. And that something intrigued him.

"I'm turning him," Bastien said.

"Don't do that," I begged. I knew it was a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone. "Please don't."

"He could be….useful," Bastien commented, looking poor Karl Bauer up and down. I'd never heard Bastien speak in such a way. Seeing my confusion, Bastien smiled at me and clarified, "A playmate for you, Lindsay. I see you identify with him, on some level….he can keep you company when I'm not around."

Before I could protest again, Bastien sank his teeth into Karl's neck. He bit just once, and with all the self control I didn't have, released. Struggling to breathe, Karl slumped to the ground, clutching at his neck to put pressure on the wound Bastien had just created.

I couldn't watch.

"What about this dress? You'd look amazing in this dress, Lindsay," Alice informed me, holding a simple black t-shirt dress up to me. "Just try it on. For me? Please?"

I sighed. I couldn't believe I'd allowed myself to let Alice talk me into a girls' day shopping trip in Seattle. Since we'd gotten to Seattle, I'd been much more interested in all the flyers I saw advertising the fact that one of my favorite bands, Rot, would be playing a show in town in two weeks, than I was in Alice wanting to give me a makeover. She'd been obsessed with trying to have me let her dress me up like some sort of doll. I guess she did the same for the rest of her family. Edward had mentioned something about her not letting any of them wear the same thing twice.

"Fine," I agreed. "But only because you said please."

"Great," she grinned.

She handed the dress to the poor sales girl who'd already stocked a dressing room full of clothing Alice had selected for me. I'd picked some things too, but Alice made me put them all back because they were "too plain, too much like the stuff I already had." Personally, I didn't think there was such a thing as too much denim, but Alice disagreed.

"Try the dress on first!" Alice said once I entered the fitting room.

"Okay!" I replied.

I shrugged out of my jeans and black hoodie, slipping into the dress Alice had selected for me. I was doing my best to focus on trying the clothes on. The sales girl had blood that smelled amazing, exponentially better than any of the teens smelled in Forks. Then again, she was slightly older, college-aged. I tended to feed off of humans college aged or old, anyways. She also ate an incredibly clean diet, I could tell. It would be so easy to grab her and sink my teeth into her neck, to drain every last bit of blood out of her….

"Are you almost done?" Alice asked with a slight knock. "It's one dress. Have you never put a dress on before?"

I opened the door, trying to shake my head clear of the thoughts of killing the girl. If I killed her, I'd have to leave the Cullens, and leaving the Cullens would make it that much easier for Bastien to get his hands on me.

No. I wouldn't kill her.

"You look fantastic," Alice said, gesturing for me to do a little twirl. "I knew you would, of course, but….really, take a look."

She stepped aside so I could get a look at myself in the full-length mirror. I hated to say that Alice was right, but she was. I looked good. The dress was simple, but it hit me in all the right places. I looked much more feminine than I was used to looking, but paired with my trusty old Doc Martens, I still looked like myself.

Alice made me get the dress, needless to say. She also made me wear it to school that Monday when we went back. And showing up in a dress only made people - specifically the boys - stare at me more. I wanted so badly to tell them that I wasn't sixteen or seventeen or even a teenager at all, that I was actually twenty seven and get them to mind their business. But I knew I couldn't tell them that for obvious reasons. And because some of them would probably be more turned on by an older woman. Ugh.

Edward shook his head at me as we walked into English.

"What?" I asked.

"I can't believe you let Alice talk you into allowing her to choose your wardrobe," he chuckled.

"Neither can I," I replied. I buttoned the top button of my denim jacket, hoping it'd make some sort of a difference.

He chuckled again, and the two of us slipped into our seats near the back. I caught Mike Newton staring at me. Edward noticed to, and flashed me an, "I told you so," sort of look. I rolled my eyes.

Mr. Mason started class, explaining that we'd be starting a unit on The Crucible. He seemed to think this was some sort of early Halloween gift, but judging by the moans and groans the announcement garnered, I'd say my classmates would've preferred a handful of candy to celebrate. Mr. Mason was either blissfully oblivious of this, or he had mastered the art of not caring about the opinions of his students, because he didn't seem phased at all. He simply went on and told us to get into groups of four or five to read the background packet he passed out and work together on the questions at the end.

"Can I join you, Lindsay?" Mike asked, turning around in his seat.

"Um, sure," I answered. "You can work with Edward and I."

Judging by Edward's expression, he wasn't happy I roped him into working with Mike. I flashed him a teasing smirk.

"Are you guys looking for a fourth?" Angela Weber inquired. "Would you mind if I -?"

"Not at all," Edward said. I was surprised, something he noticed. He only gave me a slight shrug.

We settled into reading the packet from Mr. Mason, which was as dry as expected. It didn't help that Mike was flashing eyes at me the entire time. Hadn't he figured out that us "Cullens" weren't interested in dating?

Once we'd all finished reading, we got to answering the questions. They were what I'd expected: Why do you think there was such a hysteria around witches? How do you think gender played a role in the trials, if at all? etc. Angela was the one to take the lead. I was sort of surprised, as I'd pegged her as someone who was pretty reserved and shy, but that didn't stop her from becoming the little leader of our group. I didn't mind. I was looking for anyone or anything that'd make Mike quit trying to make me look at him. At one point I actually felt his foot not-so-accidentally brush up against mine. I kicked him in the shin, a knee jerk reaction.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, reaching down to rub where I'd kicked him.

Edward did his best to keep from laughing. At first, he was concerned I'd seriously hurt him. I was worried too, but his reaction of pain showed me I hadn't broken his leg or anything.

"Sorry," I lied.

I could've jumped for joy when the bell rang. I didn't, but I was one of the first ones to rush out of Mr. Mason's classroom. Edward followed me out. He was amused at my annoyance.

For once I was actually happen to get to Gym and change into my gym uniform. We were playing floor hockey. I did my best to only run at human speed, to only use human strength. In other words, I did my best to keep it boring.

After Gym came lunch. Lunch meant pretty much everyone was stuck together in one room. And half of the eyes watched me. Rosalie was in even more of a sour mood because of this, to the point where she decided to go "eat lunch" in her car. Emmett followed.

"I'm never wearing anything you chose for me ever again, Alice," I said. My tone might've been playful, but I was one hundred percent serious.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Yes you are. I can tell."

I narrowed my eyes as I got a slice of pizza. I used to love pizza back when I was a human. Then again, were there many teens in New York in the 90's who didn't love pizza?

"People are staring too much," I said.

"They stare at us regardless of what you're wearing," Alice disregarded. "Do you hate wearing girls' clothes that much?"

"It's not that," I said. In a lower voice, I added, "You should've seen what I looked like in the clubs back in the day."

"You should show me pictures sometime," Alice said. "And why is that? Why dress wild to go out and then dress like a goth construction worker for your day to day wear?"

I laughed slightly at the idea of a goth construction worker before explaining, "Because going out for me back then was escapism. It was me dressing up as someone else, acting like someone else. The jeans and Doc Martens are me. I'm done playing dress up."

Alice smiled. "That's what you think."

I didn't bother to argue with her about the clothes thing anymore. I knew it wouldn't do me any good. I kept quiet as we joined Edward at our usual table. It was just the three of us, since Emmett followed Rosalie out and Jasper had taken the day off to go hunting. That's what he said, at least. He might've just been wanting a day off. I wouldn't blame him for that.

The rest of the day went by without anything very interesting happening. When we got home, I wasted time doing homework until Carlisle got home from the hospital. Knowing that Carlisle was the one who called the shots around here, I knew I had to ask (or at least tell) him that I would really, really like to go to the Rot show I saw advertised in Seattle. If I had been in New York with Samuel, I would've just gone without mentioning it to anyone, but seeing as I was living under Carlisle's roof and rules, I figured it was only polite. I gave him some time, waiting about an hour for him to settle in his office before I went to speak to him.

"Carlisle?" I asked, knocking on the open door of the Cullen family office where he was working on the computer.

"Come on in, Lindsay," he said. I did, and sat in the chair opposite his desk. "Just give me one second here….what can I help you with? Are you unhappy with something here?"

"No, not at all," I said. "All of you have been more than kind to me, and I appreciate you taking me in for the time being."

"You're not having any problems with our rules, are you?" he asked. "Because you seem to have adjusted quite well to being a vegetarian."

"I'll be honest, I wouldn't be feeding off animals by choice," I said. "But I'm alright with it for now."

"Good," Carlisle smiled. "Then what can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to make sure it was alright that I go see a show in Seattle in two weeks," I said.

"Show?"

"Concert," I said. "It's for one of my favorite bands."

"By yourself?"

"Yeah," I shrugged. "I don't really think anyone else here would have an interest."

Carlisle narrowed his eyes only slightly. "I think it would be best if you took someone along with you."

I was sort of taken aback. I wasn't used to not immediately getting my way, as dumb as that sounded. Though Samuel disagreed with what I did most of the time, he still let me do whatever I wanted. Part of that was because he loved me so much that it blinded him - if he thought it'd make me happy, he let me, even if he didn't really want me to. Elisabeth was the same way.

"You look shocked," Carlisle said. He sounded a bit amused.

"I….," I faltered. "Do you not trust me? Do you think I'll get to Seattle and kill the first person I -"

"I trust you," Carlisle said. "You've followed the rules of the house just fine; I'm not worried at all about you doing anything to harm anyone."

"Then why -?"

"Because I promised your father I would do my best to keep you safe when I agreed to take you in," Carlisle interjected gently. "And in my opinion, letting you go off to a big city like Seattle by yourself isn't doing my best to keep you safe."

"I'll take her," volunteered a voice from the doorway. Jasper.

"Take me?" I repeated, a bit offended by the phrasing.

"Go with you," Jasper corrected.

"Thank you," Carlisle nodded.

I said nothing. I did my best to conceal my eye roll as I walked out of the room past Jasper.

"Were you listening to that whole conversation?" I asked, stepping out onto the porch to look over the insane amount of green surrounding the house.

"Not exactly," he answered. "It's kind of hard not to hear things being a vampire, y'know."

Normally, I would've laughed. Currently, I was too irritated with being treated like a child to even consider laughing.

"Who are we going to see?" Jasper inquired after a few beats had passed. He was trying to be polite. I just wasn't in the mood.

"You didn't hear that?" I asked.

"I did," he said. "I'm just not familiar with Rot."

"They're a death metal band," I said. Technically, they weren't a death metal band. Heavy metal, maybe. The words just sort of slipped out. "Probably nothing you're interested in."

"I may be more open minded than you think," Jasper said.

I peered at him side-eyed and still annoyed. "We'll see. Goodnight, Jasper."

"Goodnight, Lindsay."