"I left to find help! And I found you. Don't you understand? You're our only hope.
- Nala
Sakura was a late riser. She didn't like to be up early. If someone or something rousted her before ten in the morning, the disturbance would leave her in a foul mood for the rest of the day. This was probably due to the fact that she was a bit of a night owl and typically stayed up into the wee hours of the morning. As a medic, she'd heard all the old sayings - "early to bed, early to rise" and all that - but quite frankly, she didn't care. Her sleeping habits were her own business.
That said, she would have preferred an early rise as opposed to no sleep whatsoever. But with her mind a million miles away, rest was not exactly easy to come by. Hundreds of times, Shizune had told her about not being able to fall asleep because she'd had so much on her mind, but Sakura always assumed the older medic was exaggerating.
As it turned out, losing an entire night of sleep to her thoughts alone was entirely possible. Sakura had just had her first sleepless night. And while she was more exhausted than she could recall ever having been before, there was at least one perk to losing sleep.
Watching the sun come up. As a late riser, sunrises were luxuries Sakura did not often indulge in. She simply didn't have the patience to wake up at six in the morning to see the sun come over the horizon, but whenever she was awake early enough to see it, it was always worth it.
Tonzura, as it turned out, had a beautiful sunrise. It was a small village that Sakura would have ordinarily passed through, but a certain incident on the outskirts of the town had left her little choice but to stay for awhile to allow her body time to recuperate. When she'd fully healed from her injury, she'd briefly considered heading back out on the road. Then Emiko, the kind girl who had taken her in without asking her to share the cost of the inn room they now shared, had convinced her to stay. After some deliberation, Sakura had determined that wherever she was, she was safe, and when she agreed to stay with Emiko, they celebrated by taking a quick tour of the village.
It wasn't exactly what one would call "scenic". The climate was warmer than Sakura preferred and the grass and trees were either all dying or were just pale shades of brown by nature. On good days, passing clouds provided occasional shade from the brutal sun. And the worst days, the same clouds would carry storms through the village, leaving the atmosphere humid and uncomfortable. It was a far cry from Konoha, but Sakura preferred not to think about it that way. It just made her miss home a lot more than she already did.
If Sakura had seen Tonzura's sunrise sooner, she would have already forgiven the town for its unpleasant weather. Sitting in the window seat, Sakura watched the sun slowly come up over the horizon, casting a golden glow over everything the budding sunlight touched. The sky was lit up with varying shades of yellow, pink, and orange, the clouds illuminated underneath and darker on top. Usually, Sakura did not take much pleasure in nature's beauty, but this was an exception. There was no way she could deny that the sight was aesthetically pleasing, almost breathtaking.
But soon, the show was over, and a sky that had been an explosion of many colors just moments before was now uniformly blue, save for the few clouds that drifted by. Sakura sighed. Judging by the sun's position in the sky, it was somewhere around half past seven. A quick glance at the clock on her nightstand told her that it was actually a little closer to eight. Either way, it was still a lot earlier than she would normally like to be awake.
For a moment, she considered slipping into bed to attempt to get some sleep, but she doubted she'd be able to fall asleep now that the bright sunlight was trickling in through the window. The best thing she could do for herself now was indulge in a little bit of people-watching.
For a small border village, Tonzura was quite populated. She guessed that most of the inhabitants lived in the shops they owned and operated because there didn't seem to be a lot of houses around. Most, if not all of them were civilians. Some of them might have been medics like Emiko, but Sakura doubted if any of the Tonzura villagers knew a thing about combat or any kind of jutsu. There were no shinobi that were just passing through, either, which was a comfort to Sakura.
For awhile, she entertained herself by watching the village come to life. Within an hour, the streets went from quiet and empty to bustling and crowded. She watched while merchants traded goods and children played with each other while their parents ran errands. Every once in awhile, a little girl or boy would trip and scrape up their knee, and each time, Sakura would feel a pull towards the door. She itched to heal their cuts and bruises, but she had to remember that she wasn't an expert medic in Tonzura. Not yet, at least. Soon, she would divulge more information about herself to Emiko, but until then, she had to watch her words and actions carefully. For now, she was simply an average shinobi with average auburn hair and average green eyes.
When watching the townspeople got boring, she started to scan the scene before her for something more interesting. She looked upon a dog that was quite clearly distressed - she could hear his frustrated whimpers through the window. Her eyes followed his leash as she wondered what kind of pet owner would ignore a crying puppy, but it turned out the critter's owner had stepped away for a moment, because the leash was tied securely around a lamppost.
A lamppost.
Trust Sakura to gaze upon the one thing that would get her thinking about things she'd rather not dwell upon. Suddenly, her thoughts were three years in the past, replaying Tsunade's speech about the lights visible from her post and how they ended where Konoha's territory did. That had been the same night she'd dropped the bomb on Sakura and told her that she was the next Hokage.
Sakura distinctly remembered the shock and disbelief she'd felt. Not only because she knew that she was nowhere near ready to take on that kind of responsibility, nor did she particularly want to, but becoming Hokage was Naruto's dream. When Tsunade picked her, she felt like she'd betrayed her best friend even though she'd had absolutely no say in the matter. If Tsunade had just picked Naruto then Sakura would still be in Konoha right now, sleeping comfortably curled against Kakashi.
Kakashi.
Sakura wouldn't dare to say she missed anyone from Konoha, because admitting that she did would only cause herself pain, but if she was being completely honest with herself, she did miss all of them. Naruto, Tsunade, even Sai who had the emotional capacity of an infant. But whether she owned up to it or not, it remained fact that she missed Kakashi the most. She missed his voice, his scent, his messy hair, even his mask. She missed the sex, of course, but mostly she missed spending every day with him. Their comfortable conversations and the way he used to hold and caress her when he thought she was asleep.
If he was here right now, would he still want to hold her the same way? No, she thought, probably not. He had to be so disappointed in her. If she had the chance, she'd apologize to him for leaving him behind. Most of her time was spent trying not to relive her past or reminisce on every night they'd spent together. He'd probably never forgive her for running away from her problems, for choosing the coward's way out.
But then again, it wasn't as if she'd ever claimed to be brave.
Perhaps she was being too hard on herself. She'd had a good reason to leave Konoha behind, hadn't she? It wasn't running, exactly. It was more like an escape. Tsunade had told her that there was no choice in the matter. That Sakura would become Hokage no matter what. She was trapped. She had to find a way out, and she did.
Maybe, if there was even the slightest chance that things would be different, she'd go back to Konoha. But even if she returned now, she doubted if her relationship with Kakashi could be repaired, especially if she had the added stress of being the Sixth Hokage. Whether she returned home or remained here in Tonzura, she would have to let go of him every single day.
She had no idea how she was going to live her life without him, but the first step was to stop missing him. If she allowed herself to miss him, she would in turn be allowing herself to remember his refusal to confess his love for her when she'd truly believed he'd harbored those feelings.
"What are you thinking about?"
Sakura came back into her own at the sound of Emiko's voice. She hadn't been paying attention to the scene outside the window it seemed because when her eyes refocused, she saw that the dog was no longer tied to the lamppost and was otherwise nowhere to be found. Set free.
"What?" she asked.
"You only stare off into space when you're thinking about something," Emiko pointed out.
Perhaps it was a bad thing that Emiko knew so much about Sakura after what little time they'd spent together. After all, it had only been a couple weeks. She was impossibly perceptive for someone who had never been trained for that purpose. It was a miracle that Emiko hadn't already picked up on Sakura's true identity. Still, Sakura tried to lie.
"Oh, it's nothing," she insisted with a faint blush.
"You're a bad liar, you know."
"Yeah, well, that's because I wasn't trying very hard."
Although Sakura kept her eyes trained on the scenery outside the window, she was still hyperaware of Emiko's gaze boring into her. She could just imagine the girl's cautious, calculating expression. She heard Emiko come up behind her and felt the cushion of the window seat dip down next to her when Emiko sat down.
"Let's see if I can't figure this one out." Sakura turned to face Emiko then and noticed that her eyes were not so much calculating as they were kind and gentle and understanding. "Your hair is a mess, so you're probably not planning on impressing any boys today, if you plan to go out at all. Your eyes are red and puffy, so I'd venture to guess you've either been crying a little bit or you haven't slept all night. Oh, dear..."
"What's your diagnosis, Emiko-chan?" Sakura asked.
"Well, I can't be sure," Emiko sighed playfully. "I have very little equipment here, and I'd like to run some tests, but I simply don't have the materials. However, I'd say you're nursing one hell of a broken heart. And not the school girl crush kind. This is the real deal."
"I hate when you see right through me, it's a little bit disconcerting."
"Tell me about him. What's he like?"
The question caught Sakura off guard. Emiko did not often pry. Not because she didn't want to know, but because she could usually read Sakura like an open book. Most of the time, there was no need for her to ask questions. But she sounded so eager, so interested in Sakura's past that, despite the fact that she didn't really feel like getting into a discussion about the man she'd left behind, she didn't really have the heart to turn Emiko down.
"It's hard to tell sometimes," Sakura began. "He's sort of an enigma. I mean, even his closest friends know very little about him." For a moment, Sakura wondered if she could adequately explain Kakashi to Emiko. He was rather hard to put into words, but when she begrudgingly allowed herself to reflect on her past with him, describing his personality became easier. "If you catch him when he's tired, he's the sweetest. He's quiet, but not shy. He cares a lot - about his comrades, and sometimes about me. But people change, you know?"
"So he must be back in... whatever village you came from?" Emiko asked eagerly.
"Yeah." Sakura nodded, looking wistfully out the window again. "I visited him right before I left. I wanted to tell him I loved him, same as I always do before a mission."
Sakura could feel Emiko's eyes on her, watching her face fall into a forlorn expression, but she didn't have the energy to put on a guarded mask. Emiko, whose apparent ability to read minds got stranger by the second, asked, "He didn't say it back, did he?"
"No," Sakura sighed. "He didn't."
For once, Sakura allowed herself to forget that Emiko was there. For just one brief moment, she let herself forget the character she was trying to play and gave into being Haruno Sakura of Konoha. Her knees came up to her chest and she set her head on top as she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to ignore the stinging feeling in the backs of her eyes. The first tear barely had time to get out before Emiko was on her, holding her in a way that reminded her of Kakashi, making it harder for her to hold back her emotions.
"Sakura, it might be best to push him to the back of your mind," Emiko suggested quietly. "I'm not going to tell you to forget about him, because I know how hard that can be, but if he didn't even return your feelings, is he really worth your attention now that he's not here?"
Sakura laughed, albeit slightly bitterly. "I've tried. I hate him for the way he acted that night, I really do. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if he wonders where I am."
The two of them were silent for a moment, then Sakura felt Emiko's cheeks pull up in a smile when the younger of the two said, "Let's hope he never catches up with you, then."
Sakura's tears were short-lived. When she wiped them off her cheeks, she noticed that no more fell to replace the ones she'd gotten rid of. Probably it was Emiko's good-humored voice cheering her up, but even though Emiko's tone held a hint of mirth, Sakura couldn't help her curiosity. "Why would you say that?" she asked.
"Well, because I'll kill him!"
Sakura laughed freely now as she hugged Emiko back. Ordinarily, she would have made an argument on Kakashi's behalf. Something along the lines of, "I doubt you'd be able to get the upper hand on him. He's a ninja and a better one than I am." But for the first time in a long time, Sakura didn't feel the need to defend him. So instead, she jokingly fibbed, "You're the worst friend."
Sakura had been to four different restaurants in Tonzura during her stay with Emiko, but all of them seemed the same to her. For one, they all primarily served meals composed of different cuts of beef and various vegetables. None of them offered any fish options, which was a shame because Sakura was a fish fan herself, and even Fujo had been complaining about a lack of fish recently. She guessed that Tonzura was probably pretty far from a decent body of water and that the village depended heavily on nearby agricultural resources. Now that she thought about it, there were a lot of farmers around...
What she found especially peculiar was the fact that if people in the restaurant spoke at all while they were dining, they spoke in hushed tones and whispers, but not like they were sharing secrets. It appeared to be proper etiquette, actually. Simple table manners, like keeping your elbows down and using silverware from the outside in. Sakura had visited quaint tea shops in Konoha that had been louder than the largest restaurant she'd visited in Tonzura.
But even weirder than that was the fact that all of them were very dimly lit. So dimly lit, in fact, that before Sakura got used to it, she had to squint her eyes to be able to see properly. Nobody around her seemed to have trouble with it. At first, Sakura assumed that Tonzura just didn't have a lot of energy reserves, but when she sat down for a meal with Emiko one evening just as the sun began to set, she discovered the true reason for the strange dark atmosphere.
Even lovelier than the sunrise was the way the colors from the sunset streamed through the window and bounced off of every strategically placed mirror in the diner. Rays of violet, blue, and peach reflected and sparkled on crystal chandeliers, shining candelabras and candlesticks, the jewelry worn by the hostesses and waitresses. The walls, once a plain beige, were now painted orange and yellow.
And in just fifteen minutes, it was all gone, and the lights Sakura had at first considered dim now seemed too bright and harsh.
A waitress swept by without a word to place their meals on the table and disappeared just as silently. Sakura barely touched her food. She picked at it every now and then, spreading the veggies and sauces around to make it look like she'd been eating it, but as hard as she tried, she could not fool the girl across from her.
"I thought we'd already been over this," Emiko sighed. "You need an intervention."
Sakura knew what Emiko was talking about. Still, she asked, "What are you talking about?"
"You have an unhealthy addiction."
"To what?"
Emiko's ever present smile perked up slightly. "To thoughts and memories of things and people that will only hurt you in the end," she explained. "To the need to feel wanted by one specific person, when there are other people who give you more worth."
"More worth than necessary," Sakura grumbled.
"Hey, now, this was never about your worth!" Emiko said. "I'm just saying, put your faith in people who will put their faith in you. And for the record, I don't think anyone you know has given you nearly enough worth if you've come all the way to the middle of nowhere."
"I guess." Sakura, in spite of what she'd been taught as a girl, dropped her elbow onto the table and settled her chin into the palm of her hand. Her eyes drifted toward the window beside their booth and she wondered how she ever came to be such a mess. For the first time in what felt like forever, she felt something in the very pit of her stomach that made her deeply uncomfortable with herself.
She felt weak.
By no means was she physically weak. Although her strength hadn't been tested in many weeks, there was no doubt that she could still bring a building four stories high down with her bare fists. But for the first time since her youth, more specifically for the first time since a certain boy had walked away from her and left her feeling completely and utterly alone, she had allowed herself to become vulnerable.
Even more than that, she didn't even bother to hide it anymore. Back in the day, she would have done anything to prove that she wasn't hurt by what Sasuke did to her, even though she still counted it as one of her darkest hours. But now that she wasn't surrounded by people who would hold it against her as a sign of being a bad shinobi, she found that she didn't really care if she looked weak or not.
Naturally, Emiko took notice of this. She'd tried to pretend she didn't see the way Sakura was falling down a pit of despair, but it was becoming more and more evident by the day, and Emiko, as a girl who seemed perpetually content with even the worst things life had to offer, wasn't one to sit around and let unhappiness go by unaddressed for too long.
"Sakura," she said gently and quietly. "I want to try something."
Sakura looked away from the window and into the green eyes of her friend. "What is it?"
"Repeat after me, okay?"
At first, Sakura was skeptical. She remembered playing repeat games with her classmates in the Academy, and sometimes Iruka-sensei would make the whole class repeat every word he said just to check if everyone was paying attention. She'd never found any fun in the former and certainly didn't see the effectiveness in the latter, but perhaps unwisely, she trusted Emiko.
"Okay," she agreed finally.
"My name is Sakura."
One of Sakura's eyebrows perked up, but when Emiko leaned forward expectantly, Sakura sighed and bended to the other girl's will. "'My name is Sakura'," she echoed.
"I am twenty-five years old," Emiko stated.
Apparently this repeat game included a lot of stating the obvious. "'I am twenty-five years old.'"
"I have known love and I have known heartbreak."
"'I have known love and I have known heartbreak.'"
Emiko paused. Her smile grew ever wider and she locked eyes with Sakura, speaking her next words with such conviction, it was impossible to consider them untrue. "And I am strong enough to survive both."
Sakura's lips curled up into a smile that nearly matched Emiko's pleased grin. She looked fondly at the girl across from her and gave a small nod and a chuckle before she repeated the words, putting her faith into every syllable as she uttered, "I'm strong enough to survive both."
For a long time, it seemed like Kakashi was getting next to nowhere. He wasn't sure how long he'd been traveling through the dense forest. Three days at the very least. All he was sure of was the the longer he walked, the uglier the foliage became. The trees started out a fresh green and now most of the leaves were brown and dry. He'd stocked up on food the last time he'd come across a village, but he was running low now, and he wasn't entirely sure what he'd do if he ran out before he reached another town.
By some miracle, he'd found the right scent trail which was one thing to feel good about. He could barely smell her now, her scent mingled with the aromas of dying trees and crunchy grass. But he'd been summoning Pakkun every now and again, and each time the pug assured him that he was still headed in the right direction. Kakashi knew better than to argue with his dogs' superior noses.
Unfortunately, Pakkun had been unwilling to stay and travel with him, citing other responsibilities as his reason for not sticking around. He'd said something about tending to pups, but Kakashi was fairly sure none of his dogs were very keen on puppies, so the probability of any of them having families of their own was small. But Kakashi had let Pakkun go, which meant now he was traveling all alone with nothing to distract him from his wandering thoughts.
He wasn't paying much attention when the trees began to thin. He was instead wondering if there was anything he might have been able to do to stop Sakura from leaving on that fateful night approximately three years ago. In retrospect, he probably should have picked up on the hints she'd been dropping, most importantly her reluctance to give out details about her "mission" and the way she'd been prying (after all, hadn't Sakura always been the one to give Naruto a good smack upside the head every time he tried to hassle Kakashi into talking about his personal life?).
He considered the fact that he might have convinced Sakura to stay if he'd just sucked it up and confessed his feelings for her. Knowing what he knew now, he was sure he could have stopped her from going through with her plans. But of course, he'd had no idea what was on her mind all that time ago. The two of them, as shinobi, were naturally very guarded, and it was no surprise that Sakura nearly surpassed him in her ability to keep secrets.
The feeling of falling pulled him out of his thoughts and he managed to catch himself just before he plummeted into the ground. Distracted by his regrets, he'd failed to notice when the forest stopped and gave way to the edge of a village. A wooden sign directly before him read in peeling letters "Tonzura". He sniffed in search of Sakura's scent, but alas, among the other town smells - cooking that made his stomach rumble eagerly, the stench of smoke from fireplaces, alcohol from a nearby bar - hers was indiscernible. With his inferior nose, there was little to no chance he'd be able to seek her out if he was in fact on the outskirts of the village she'd come to.
Suddenly, Pakkun poofed into existence at Kakashi's side. The dog glanced at his master for a moment, taking in Kakashi's thoughtful expression, then said, "I don't know what it is with humans and thinking, but you do it way too much."
Kakashi sighed. He only wished he could turn his brain off. "Tell me something I don't know," he grumbled. "Can you smell her?"
"Yeah." Pakkun said nothing else, and Kakashi fidgeted. Then, catching on, the pug asked, "Oh, you want me to find her?"
"No, I summoned you for your conversation skills."
"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"
Kakashi shot the dog an icy glare and the animal cringed. "Right, sarcasm. You humans seem to have a problem with that, too."
Pakkun's nose began to twitch and his head tilted slightly upward. He sat in silence for a moment, seeming to contemplate the variety of scents now on his palate, then he casually began to trot forward. As Kakashi followed him, he attempted to make light conversation. "You know, if she sees you, she's gonna make a run for it," he pointed out.
"Maybe I think too much and maybe I tend toward sarcasm, but at least I don't point out the obvious," Kakashi said with a roll of his eyes.
"Hey, I'm only trying to help here, alright? Don't get all upset with me just because you're mad that you chased her off in the first place."
"I did not-!" When he raised his voice, several civilians shot a wary look in his direction. A few of them even hustled out of sight. Clearly this village was not accustomed to shinobi the way Konoha was. Kakashi took a breath and forced himself to calm down. "I did not chase her off. I made a bad judgement call. I meant nothing by it."
Sensing that Kakashi was no longer in the mood for conversation, Pakkun kept quiet after that, leaving Kakashi to his thoughts once more. It was unlike him to get riled up, and it was even more unlike him to get upset with his dogs. Before Sakura had wheedled her way into Kakashi's life, Pakkun and the other ninken had been Kakashi's most cherished friends which might have been a little pathetic, but pathetic was something he was not entirely opposed to. In all honesty, he was upset with himself and he was taking it out on Pakkun. He made a mental note to apologize for his actions later, but for now, he needed to pay attention.
The pair were getting closer and closer to the other end of the small village and Kakashi felt a small twinge of panic rise up in him. He refused to believe that he'd just travelled three days with limited food and water only to discover he had to keep going. "She's not here?" he asked worriedly.
Pakkun paused at that, pointing his muzzle upward and taking in the scents around him once more. He remained silent for a moment, then, in a whisper, he instructed Kakashi to follow him. Whispering was peculiar behavior, especially for Pakkun and especially in an area where Kakashi suspected no immediate threats, but he made no arguments. He obediently followed Pakkun into an alley way next to what appeared to be a quaint restaurant and hid with the dog by a pair of dumpsters. The smell, needless to say, was absolutely appalling.
"What are we doing-"
"Masking our scent. Now hush," Pakkun hissed. "Look."
The creature indicated with one of his front paws a pair of women that appeared outside of the restaurant. They seemed to be laughing about something, but for the din coming from within the cafe's walls, Kakashi couldn't hear what. He strained his ears, curious to know what he was listening for, and when he did so, he heard one of them - the one with long, choppy auburn hair - groan and inform the other that she'd forgotten her wallet inside.
"You go on ahead," the auburn-haired girl insisted. "I'll catch up with you at the inn!"
Then she turned around and Kakashi's eyes were first drawn to her dark blue mask. He wondered for a moment what purpose any civilian living in Tonzura would have for a mask, then his eyes moved upward and they caught sight of the girl's and he didn't have to wonder any longer. He would know those eyes anywhere.
"Are you sure?" Emiko asked. "I don't mind waiting."
Sakura wasn't blind enough to miss Emiko's slight shiver. "No, no, it's hot out. I won't be long. Go back to the inn."
"If you're sure," Emiko sighed, appearing concerned for a moment. But when she trotted off in the direction of the inn the two of them were staying at, she looked more grateful than anything to be one step closer to air conditioning.
Sakura smiled as she watched her friend bound away. She'd only known Emiko a couple weeks, and already, they were close friends. Sakura guessed that she'd be able to tell Emiko about being a medic soon. There was enough trust between them now for Sakura to divulge a bit more information about herself. But then she asked herself if she really had to.
Here in Tonzura, she didn't have to be a medic. She could just be a rogue shinobi, a run away, or kicked out of her village perhaps. No allegiance, no loyalties to anyone. She could make a whole new life here, and with Emiko, it would be easy. Sakura didn't have to pretend to forget about her past when she was with the dark-haired girl. Emiko made it easy for her by distracting her with playful conversation and light jokes, often at her own expense.
With a small smile still touching her lips, she turned around and headed back toward the restaurant's entrance. She smiled at the few people she passed, though all they could see was the pleasant crease of her eyes. When she reached the door and extended her hand toward the handle, she felt a tug at her arm, and suddenly, she was in an alley way with a man's hand clutching her upper arms.
The vice-like grip brought back disconcerting memories of the two men who had assaulted her and tried to take advantage of her several weeks ago. Immediately, Sakura began to struggle, and when she couldn't force herself out of her attacker's grasp, she wondered if weeks without training had deteriorated her skills. When she realized thrashing against his hold would be of little to no help, she settled for the next best thing, which for her was shouting, "Get your hands off me, you scum!"
The man's face was suddenly next to hers and she could see his single red eye in her peripheral vision. But she still did not register what exactly was happening until he said in a low, husky voice, "Not a chance, Sakura."
A/N: Thanks for reading! The next chapter will be up soon, but it'll probably be quite short. It's called Alive. Feel free to review!
