A/N: I'm just writing this because I'm trying really hard to get back into fanfiction...a lot is going on irl right now and I've tried focusing on it but the more I stress on it the more shit is going on and I feel like if I have at least one thing to lose myself in for a little while then that will help me, and if it has to be fanfiction then goddammit it's going to be fanfiction because I say so.

I'm working on the chapter, I had it written but I lost it and then life went batshit and got mad at me and yeah. So there's this. Enjoy and don't expect from me soon but expect from me. (oh and if any of you are assuming I'm dealing with addiction because of this story or whatever, I'm not. Not any kind, the only thing I'm really addicted to at the moment is Garrett Hedlund. Hold. Me. Down.) Also, I don't think this chapter takes place right after the last one...I'm not sure yet. You'll find out, I don't think this really counts as a chapter, I'm just letting all of you know that I'm not six feet under yet, and trying to get back into things.


RPOV

Control is fictional. It's deceiving. Control is not real. It's something that we strive for, dream of, desire, covet, but it's never something that we will ever really have. A force will always be greater than us. Sometimes, it's love. Other times, it's fear. Most times, it's any kind of passion.

In unfortunate times, it's addiction.

And the only thing that all of us really have in common is we fool ourselves into thinking that we have complete control.

We don't, and the day we'll realize it will be filled with nothing but heartbreaking realization. The unfortunate thing about it is, it will rip you apart. It has to happen, it's inevitable.


"Fia, Fia, shh, it's okay, I'll replace it, just –" Mason's cooing, soothing voice was cut off by Fia's wails.

"But it won't be the same!" She screeches. It's heart breaking, her airy little voice squeaks and cracks and is a pitch higher than what it normally is.

"It was only five dollars, I will give you more, Fia!" Mason tries to be patient, but he's getting exasperated.

"But I earned it myself! I was finally allowed to do something on my own and now my hard work is gone! It isn't fair! It isn't fair, it isn't fair, I worked so hard it is not fair. Where did it go? Who took it, May? Who did it? I want it back! I worked so hard, and now it's all gone. It isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair-"

I can't hear anymore.

I can't hear her disappointment.

I can't hear her despair at getting the first kind of financial earning stolen.

Because I took it.

I know exactly where it went.

It went into a lost bet.

I made the bet and didn't have the money and it was just sitting there, and I knew what she did for it because when she got it she ran to me and her excitement, oh God, I can't, I can't, I can't -

Why did I take it?

I wouldn't have taken it on another day.

Because I can't help what I do. Not anymore.

Not when I'm in desperate need of a fix. Of a rush.

Damn, I know I'd take a thousand dollars from her now and spend it all on a game.

I can't stay.

I can't be here.

I can't do this.

I am not myself.

So I run, and it's in the direction of darkness. Not literally, because when I run there are flashing lights and smiles and dice and drinks and music and money – holy shit, look at the money – and something even worse, drugs and weaponry. Sometimes, people bet with their lives. They play games, take high chances. Someone must be betting on something serious. Taking a real gamble. A dangerous one.

And I run straight into it because I am not myself.


"Holy fucking shit, it was the father all along!" I awake to hear Mia scream in another room. I roll my eyes. I assume she's watching television. I roll over in bed and try to block out my nightmare. After all, that's all it was. I'm not in any real danger. I wouldn't hurt Fia. I have total control over all of this.


A/N: OKAY NOW THE REVIEW RESPONSES I PROMISED BECAUSE I REMEMBER THE SHIT EATING GRIN ON MY FACE WHEN I READ THEM. OH, YES. OKAY LET'S GO:

NellyRose1994 – whoa, whoa, wait. Take out your text book, turn to page thirty-six and let me tell you something: I will never abandon this story. Ever. I'm sure I'll want to in the future but this is my first full length story and I don't want it to be something I abandoned. This story will be finished. I'm so glad you were concerned for it though. :) And the fact that you have suggestions, makes me extremely happy because I love that someone would take that step. I'll consider it, but that scenario seems a little common in the VA archive...there will still be tension so don't worry. I don't think their first encounter in this story will be expected. xD

Sam – yeah, he should. He's an ass...as of now. ;)

Lovingbites – dear I can't tell if your reviews are positive or not but thanks for reading and Rose is not on drugs. :)

oh, just. Just let me love you. Thanks for the compliments on the plot, I was unsure of it tbh.

Majic91 – This. Freaking. Review. I can't. Omfg, I blushed so hard because I thought this story sucked and that's why I wasn't getting reviews but thank you I just ugh bless your family have my cat ok djbfskdjbsdklb (I don't have a cat but)

rockiet – honey, I'm not looking for praising. I'm looking for feedback. xD But thank you so much, it means a lot. And I can't remember what threats I made to non reviewers but I don't know where you all live so don't worry.